You know what I haven't done for a long time?.........the title gave it away, didn't it?........Yup. A mindless links day. Just a bunch of crap to take your mind off those rainy , shitty, days when all you can do is sit in front of the computer playing online poker against a bunch of frickin all-in assholes who's idea of strategy is to play lotto poker on every hand!.....enough said.
In honour of Mitchieville, another fireworks disaster. Who had the Dutch in the pool?.......Bueller?....Anyone?
What better way to waste a lazy, sexless, Sunday afternoon, than watch the dead decompose?
My favourite T-shirt, at the moment.
Classic game show blooper.
There. Wasn't that fun? The only thing missing was midgets kick-boxing......Oh wait! Midgets kick-boxing.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
A whirlwind week
Alright. Hang on. Busy week. Lots to cover. Births and birthdays, ugly to the thugly, firings, suits, the rich to the poor, the sexy to the unsexy....if you will. It all starts here.
Mission accomplished
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl, which by now, everyone in the galaxy knows except for GIGC who said, "What Katie Holmes was pregnant....no way!"
They named her "Suri" which is supposed to mean "Princess" in Hebrew. Now, this is news to the Jews, because that’s not what it means according to them. However, don’t be distressed there are other cultures to cover the meaning of "Suri." In Japan, "suri" means "pick-pocket." In India it means "needle nose". In the depths of the Congo it means "one who eats placentas."
Hey there’s even a type of alpaca called a suri if the first three don’t appeal to you.
Brooke shields also gave birth the same day, in the same hospital, in the same....who gives a fuck.
BTW....Did Tom ever eat the placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
Home, home on the streets....
Toronto did a homeless head count this week. The Mayor....no the other one....sent out volunteers with questionaires and $5 food vouchers to find out what the homeless actually need to make their life better.
How about something other than a big screen TV box to live in? Idiots!....geesh!
No swans here
A list of the world's unsexiest men was released this week. Among the high rankers. MLB pitching ace Randy Johnson, Gilbert Gottfried, Mr. child molester himself, M.J., and Osama bin Laden.
The others I can see, but Osama? Come on! He reeks of sexiness.
Osama wash that beard!
Gas attendants have nothing on the plate
The first thing you know Old Akmed’s a billionaire....
As you know oil has sky-rocketed leading to higher gas prices and drivers doing the "gas and dash." They’ve even been removing their licence plates before filling up at the pumps.
I find it confounding, people will steal $40-$80 in gasoline yet think nothing of paying $150 for running shoes that cost $5 to make.
Everybody out of the pool
The Queen turned 80 yesterday. Why won’t she die?
Between her and Hefner, who also turned 80 earlier this month, I’m losing a lot of dough in the death pool. Time to put my money on a Kennedy or Bob Denver.....what? Bob's dead already....God damn it! Sorry about that little buddy.
A little girl stole my SUV
A court invoked the age old law of "finders keepers" this week, as a little girl was allowed to keep the SUV she won in the Tim Horton's "roll up the rim" contest, after finding the discarded cup in the waste basket at her school.
Despite claims by a school janitor who contested he bought the coffee in the first place, and a friend of the girl seeking 50% of the value for helping her roll up the rim, the judge awarded the prize to the finder.
Just make sure you remove the plates before you gas up.
It’s official Julia Roberts sucks
Julia Roberts foray into theater was not so well received, as critics panned her performance in "Three Days of Rain," as lacking luster and personality. Seems pretty woman was pretty dull.
Anyone know whether Julia ate Tomkittens placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
The science of the perfect butt
Another study, and apparently Jennifer Lopez’s junked up trunk is tops with those surveyed in the search for the perfect derriere. The calculations were also based on firmness, roundness, and overall appearance.
Who does these studies? What do they use to calculate, those NHL referee rulers that measure illegal curves on hockey sticks? Where do I go to get a job like this?
So much for getting loaded
Air Canada says it will cut out carrying glass wine bottles on their flights for the lighter tetra packs of vino.
The move will save AC a whopping....wait for it....$150 per year, per jet.....wow that’s some serious cash.....you could buy some new running shoes.
I have a better idea why don’t you have all your flyers take laxatives pre-flight to empty their bowels. Think of the weight differential in first class alone. We’re talking hundreds of pounds of shit per flight.
Goodbye Mighty Quinn
Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Quinn was fired this week. Yet, John Ferguson Jr. responsible for the same record as Quinn, remains.
Personally, Richard Peddie and Larry Tanenbaum are the real liabilities that have to be removed if this team is to move forward.
As for Ferguson....he’s a great hockey GM...just look at the wonderful job he’s done when he was with the now last place St. Louis Blues.
The only way Sundin is going to get his name on the cup is with another team.
Don’t just beat your meat put it on a bun
Meat as a condiment? Yup! Not bad enough you already have two all beef patties, let’s add a slab of steak on top.
That’s just what some fast food establishments are contemplating. The "big heart attack burger" would be a good name for it.
Why can’t they just fill it with caramel like Tim Horton’s is doing with everything?
Life’s a beach
The little borough of Toronto known as "The Beaches," will now be just "The Beach," as local residents voted 58% to change the name.
Ok...yes there is a beach there, so the name fits....but I feel it still doesn’t represent the truly diverse and beautiful aspects of the area.
I suggest before they have the street signs printed up they reconsider other names like. "The Dirty Syringe." "The Dead Hooker," or how about "Fecal Floater Point"?
New album out this week Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
But I recommend.........
A remarkable second effort, this album is even better than their first, "It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye....or Both," that just went "tin" in the deep south. Now touring with The Blind Boys of Alabama this group is destined for big things and it all starts with "Our Hearts Keep Singing."
Mission accomplished
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl, which by now, everyone in the galaxy knows except for GIGC who said, "What Katie Holmes was pregnant....no way!"
They named her "Suri" which is supposed to mean "Princess" in Hebrew. Now, this is news to the Jews, because that’s not what it means according to them. However, don’t be distressed there are other cultures to cover the meaning of "Suri." In Japan, "suri" means "pick-pocket." In India it means "needle nose". In the depths of the Congo it means "one who eats placentas."
Hey there’s even a type of alpaca called a suri if the first three don’t appeal to you.
Brooke shields also gave birth the same day, in the same hospital, in the same....who gives a fuck.
BTW....Did Tom ever eat the placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
Home, home on the streets....
Toronto did a homeless head count this week. The Mayor....no the other one....sent out volunteers with questionaires and $5 food vouchers to find out what the homeless actually need to make their life better.
How about something other than a big screen TV box to live in? Idiots!....geesh!
No swans here
A list of the world's unsexiest men was released this week. Among the high rankers. MLB pitching ace Randy Johnson, Gilbert Gottfried, Mr. child molester himself, M.J., and Osama bin Laden.
The others I can see, but Osama? Come on! He reeks of sexiness.
Osama wash that beard!
Gas attendants have nothing on the plate
The first thing you know Old Akmed’s a billionaire....
As you know oil has sky-rocketed leading to higher gas prices and drivers doing the "gas and dash." They’ve even been removing their licence plates before filling up at the pumps.
I find it confounding, people will steal $40-$80 in gasoline yet think nothing of paying $150 for running shoes that cost $5 to make.
Everybody out of the pool
The Queen turned 80 yesterday. Why won’t she die?
Between her and Hefner, who also turned 80 earlier this month, I’m losing a lot of dough in the death pool. Time to put my money on a Kennedy or Bob Denver.....what? Bob's dead already....God damn it! Sorry about that little buddy.
A little girl stole my SUV
A court invoked the age old law of "finders keepers" this week, as a little girl was allowed to keep the SUV she won in the Tim Horton's "roll up the rim" contest, after finding the discarded cup in the waste basket at her school.
Despite claims by a school janitor who contested he bought the coffee in the first place, and a friend of the girl seeking 50% of the value for helping her roll up the rim, the judge awarded the prize to the finder.
Just make sure you remove the plates before you gas up.
It’s official Julia Roberts sucks
Julia Roberts foray into theater was not so well received, as critics panned her performance in "Three Days of Rain," as lacking luster and personality. Seems pretty woman was pretty dull.
Anyone know whether Julia ate Tomkittens placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
The science of the perfect butt
Another study, and apparently Jennifer Lopez’s junked up trunk is tops with those surveyed in the search for the perfect derriere. The calculations were also based on firmness, roundness, and overall appearance.
Who does these studies? What do they use to calculate, those NHL referee rulers that measure illegal curves on hockey sticks? Where do I go to get a job like this?
So much for getting loaded
Air Canada says it will cut out carrying glass wine bottles on their flights for the lighter tetra packs of vino.
The move will save AC a whopping....wait for it....$150 per year, per jet.....wow that’s some serious cash.....you could buy some new running shoes.
I have a better idea why don’t you have all your flyers take laxatives pre-flight to empty their bowels. Think of the weight differential in first class alone. We’re talking hundreds of pounds of shit per flight.
Goodbye Mighty Quinn
Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Quinn was fired this week. Yet, John Ferguson Jr. responsible for the same record as Quinn, remains.
Personally, Richard Peddie and Larry Tanenbaum are the real liabilities that have to be removed if this team is to move forward.
As for Ferguson....he’s a great hockey GM...just look at the wonderful job he’s done when he was with the now last place St. Louis Blues.
The only way Sundin is going to get his name on the cup is with another team.
Don’t just beat your meat put it on a bun
Meat as a condiment? Yup! Not bad enough you already have two all beef patties, let’s add a slab of steak on top.
That’s just what some fast food establishments are contemplating. The "big heart attack burger" would be a good name for it.
Why can’t they just fill it with caramel like Tim Horton’s is doing with everything?
Life’s a beach
The little borough of Toronto known as "The Beaches," will now be just "The Beach," as local residents voted 58% to change the name.
Ok...yes there is a beach there, so the name fits....but I feel it still doesn’t represent the truly diverse and beautiful aspects of the area.
I suggest before they have the street signs printed up they reconsider other names like. "The Dirty Syringe." "The Dead Hooker," or how about "Fecal Floater Point"?
New album out this week Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
But I recommend.........A remarkable second effort, this album is even better than their first, "It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye....or Both," that just went "tin" in the deep south. Now touring with The Blind Boys of Alabama this group is destined for big things and it all starts with "Our Hearts Keep Singing."
Sunday, April 16, 2006
All Jesus Easter Sunday
To some Jesus was just a guy. To others, an excuse to vibrate and speak in tongues. To me Jesus is much more. He's an endless river of mirth and parody meant to make me smile. I'm not a guy who will sit through "The Passion of the Christ," but tell me you've rented, "The Jesus Chainsaw Masacre," "Fear and Loathing in Jerusalem," or "Dude, where's my cross," and I'll bring the beer.
With that in mind I present to you the All Jesus Easter Sunday which I guess, I gave you a taste of yesterday, when I posted the swearing Jesus.
Today we have:
If you can't trust the son of God who can you trust?
Checking out Jesus
Go deep Jesus!
Mr. Dressup
Happy Easter.
With that in mind I present to you the All Jesus Easter Sunday which I guess, I gave you a taste of yesterday, when I posted the swearing Jesus.
Today we have:
If you can't trust the son of God who can you trust?
Checking out Jesus
Go deep Jesus!
Mr. Dressup
Happy Easter.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Under the B
A man was mugged in Mitchieville for $1000.00 in bingo winnings by four angry women who’d been waiting on single numbers in a jackpot game. Now, GIGC likes to go play bingo on occasion and went the same night as this offense.
I became concerned, fearing she was somehow involved in this violent outburst, until I discovered the posse of would-be vigilantes were all under five feet and not one registered under 200 lbs before they made off with their ill-gotten booty, albeit very slowly.
Unfortunately for the victim, he died of a heart attack soon after the beating, collapsing in the bingo hall after being repeatedly dabbed under the eye.
Booze garden
I've been hearing, if you want your daffodils to last longer, pour alcohol on them. It strengthens the roots and adds a vibrancy to the flower. Needless to say the daffodils in our garden are all dead, but I'm shitfaced most of the time, so all is right in the world.
Hold the reindeer sausage will ya pal
So you’re in the remote parts of Alaska, and you get a craving for pizza. Until now you could just forget it. But apparently, the pizza guy will fly your choice of pie in to your location for a $60 delivery charge.
"Turn left at the walrus....second igloo on the right."
Towing the line
This week in the sleepy burbs near London Ontario. Police discovered the biker massacre of eight men, (three of whom were tow truck drivers). This has called into question the whole towing industry. Some now say the towing business is rampant with bikers moving weed and cocaine in the trunks of towed vehicles to waiting customers. After all, how many tow trucks have you seen pulled over by police?
I have a funny feeling I'm going to have engine trouble soon.
Money changes everything
Scientists have discovered the brain reacts in different ways when the loss of money is involved. Probably why people blow their temporal lobes out when they lose it all.
Personally I’m still waiting for the study on what the brain does when you take a really good dump.
Datin' season
Spring is here and love is in the air. The best advice from many columnists to those seeking contact with the opposite sex is, to take the initiative and start a conversation by smiling or saying, "Hi".
I find the Mayor has some interesting suggestions....or....
If I may add my two cents to those of you who are too shy to continue a conversation from there.....
I find that the line, "I’m verbally challenged, but orally gifted, Let’s fuck," gets straight to the point and you won't waist too much time on the wrong person.
Poppa needs a brand new pair of diapers
For the second time within a week an unattended child has been found in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino while the parent was inside gambling.
That’s disgusting. I'm appaled!
What happened to the good old days when your parents would just leave you in the car at the bar while they were inside getting plastered?
I may be poor, but I look spectacular
It was said this week, women will spend $400,000.00 on beauty aids over their life time.
Je-sus! $400.000.00!
Do you know how much porn I could get with that? I could open my own adult video, "Cuming soon?"
No wonder those bingo women murdered that poor guy?
I mean Christ, you could get 1,567 tow truck deliveries......or pay for 2,621 dates with the opposite sex. Fuck! That's 5652 Alaskan pizzas with extra seal blubber or....or 10,000 baby sitters.....ok 1,000 baby sitters and use the rest to gamble with.
I think my fuckin’ brain just popped a vessel....damn, I need a drink.
I became concerned, fearing she was somehow involved in this violent outburst, until I discovered the posse of would-be vigilantes were all under five feet and not one registered under 200 lbs before they made off with their ill-gotten booty, albeit very slowly.
Unfortunately for the victim, he died of a heart attack soon after the beating, collapsing in the bingo hall after being repeatedly dabbed under the eye.
Booze garden
I've been hearing, if you want your daffodils to last longer, pour alcohol on them. It strengthens the roots and adds a vibrancy to the flower. Needless to say the daffodils in our garden are all dead, but I'm shitfaced most of the time, so all is right in the world.
Hold the reindeer sausage will ya pal
So you’re in the remote parts of Alaska, and you get a craving for pizza. Until now you could just forget it. But apparently, the pizza guy will fly your choice of pie in to your location for a $60 delivery charge.
"Turn left at the walrus....second igloo on the right."
Towing the line
This week in the sleepy burbs near London Ontario. Police discovered the biker massacre of eight men, (three of whom were tow truck drivers). This has called into question the whole towing industry. Some now say the towing business is rampant with bikers moving weed and cocaine in the trunks of towed vehicles to waiting customers. After all, how many tow trucks have you seen pulled over by police?
I have a funny feeling I'm going to have engine trouble soon.
Money changes everything
Scientists have discovered the brain reacts in different ways when the loss of money is involved. Probably why people blow their temporal lobes out when they lose it all.
Personally I’m still waiting for the study on what the brain does when you take a really good dump.
Datin' season
Spring is here and love is in the air. The best advice from many columnists to those seeking contact with the opposite sex is, to take the initiative and start a conversation by smiling or saying, "Hi".
I find the Mayor has some interesting suggestions....or....
If I may add my two cents to those of you who are too shy to continue a conversation from there.....
I find that the line, "I’m verbally challenged, but orally gifted, Let’s fuck," gets straight to the point and you won't waist too much time on the wrong person.
Poppa needs a brand new pair of diapers
For the second time within a week an unattended child has been found in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino while the parent was inside gambling.
That’s disgusting. I'm appaled!
What happened to the good old days when your parents would just leave you in the car at the bar while they were inside getting plastered?
I may be poor, but I look spectacular
It was said this week, women will spend $400,000.00 on beauty aids over their life time.
Je-sus! $400.000.00!
Do you know how much porn I could get with that? I could open my own adult video, "Cuming soon?"
No wonder those bingo women murdered that poor guy?
I mean Christ, you could get 1,567 tow truck deliveries......or pay for 2,621 dates with the opposite sex. Fuck! That's 5652 Alaskan pizzas with extra seal blubber or....or 10,000 baby sitters.....ok 1,000 baby sitters and use the rest to gamble with.
I think my fuckin’ brain just popped a vessel....damn, I need a drink.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
A week starting off with a bang
First thing this week, a man blew himself up, in the washroom of a local Tim Horton’s. Police say it was, "a suicide attempt."
Attempt? Attempt!? The poor bugger’s dead. I think he was successful. However, I have a different take on the incident. I think the guy just had to take a serious dump and shouldn’t have followed the advice of a fellow patron who said, "Hey buddy! Light a match!"
Bladder up!
Seems scientists have grown a human organ in a lab. This is great news for those who will need transplants at some point in their life.
The new organ? No....not a lung. Nope....not a pancreas. Jesus not even the lowly spleen.
It was a bladder. A bladder I tells ya!
Granted there are some nights when I’m out on a good piss-up where an extra bladder might come in handy, but shouldn’t they be spending time on growing a human heart instead of bladder control?
What’s next? A bigger vagina?....geesh...that’s all I need.
Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be Bahamians
It appears the Bahamas have banned three time Oscar winner, "Brokeback Mountain," from being viewed in public theaters there.
That’s just so gay. What, don’t they like sheep? Do they think that seeing this film will cause a sudden increase in homosexuality?
Perhaps we should respect their decision? After all, the Bahamas already have two of the three main ingredients for copulation between men....sun and sand......Oh the third? Another man’s cock up your ass.
Needs more cowbell
For those of you who haven’t seen the famous SNL skit, check it out. However, I’m not sure the music world is ready for, "Maximum Cowbell"?
It's a new compilation of all your cowbell driven classics. "Don’t Fear the Reaper," "Mississippi Queen," "Low Rider," to name a few, all appear on the disc. I heard the Bahamas have already banned this one....so watch out.
Keeping it on the down-load
The gracious movie industry is now offering, "legal" internet downloads of newly released DVDs. But, you will only be able to watch the film on your computer. Burning is a big no-no.
The price? Somewhere between $20-$30. Hmmmmm.....let’s see.....
$30 download.....
free download....
$30 download....
free download.....man that’s a tough decision!
Ab duel?
On the serious side of things, Paula Abdul claims she was assaulted by a man, yet to be named, who argued with her, grabbed her by the arm, and slammed her against the wall, causing a concussion and spinal injuries....my money’s on Simon Cowell, but it could be anyone.
I mean who doesn’t want to smack her upside the head right now?...serious my ass.
Let’s try that again
On the serious side of things, a Toronto couple were found guilty of second-degree murder Friday in the death of their five-year-old grandson, who basically starved to death in 2002 after being abused for much of his life.
What an incredibly heinous crime. The neglect and death of a child is no laughing matter.....unless....and I realize I may get a few comments about this....unless it involves a monkey, a roast beef sandwich and jumper cables.
It’s not just about getting your meat smoked anymore.
Montreal has a new slogan. "Come to Montreal," they say. "Where the more you kiss, the Frencher you get."
They’re trying to tell you Montreal is a French culture. Christ! More people speak English, and only English, in Montreal than the entire GTA. If you want to hear French, go to Paris. If you want to hear Mandarin, go to Vancouver......yeah I’ve got a slogan for ya.... "Come to Montreal, It’s just like New York except with more strippers."
Thar she blows
Hurricane season is upon us once again.....well not me....you poor sods who live in coastal, hurricane ravaged areas. They say to expect at least nine storms this year, five of them severe.
If I were you, I’d start looking for another place to live right now......Hey...."Come to Montreal..."
Attempt? Attempt!? The poor bugger’s dead. I think he was successful. However, I have a different take on the incident. I think the guy just had to take a serious dump and shouldn’t have followed the advice of a fellow patron who said, "Hey buddy! Light a match!"
Bladder up!
Seems scientists have grown a human organ in a lab. This is great news for those who will need transplants at some point in their life.
The new organ? No....not a lung. Nope....not a pancreas. Jesus not even the lowly spleen.
It was a bladder. A bladder I tells ya!
Granted there are some nights when I’m out on a good piss-up where an extra bladder might come in handy, but shouldn’t they be spending time on growing a human heart instead of bladder control?
What’s next? A bigger vagina?....geesh...that’s all I need.
Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be Bahamians
It appears the Bahamas have banned three time Oscar winner, "Brokeback Mountain," from being viewed in public theaters there.
That’s just so gay. What, don’t they like sheep? Do they think that seeing this film will cause a sudden increase in homosexuality?
Perhaps we should respect their decision? After all, the Bahamas already have two of the three main ingredients for copulation between men....sun and sand......Oh the third? Another man’s cock up your ass.
Needs more cowbell
For those of you who haven’t seen the famous SNL skit, check it out. However, I’m not sure the music world is ready for, "Maximum Cowbell"?
It's a new compilation of all your cowbell driven classics. "Don’t Fear the Reaper," "Mississippi Queen," "Low Rider," to name a few, all appear on the disc. I heard the Bahamas have already banned this one....so watch out.
Keeping it on the down-load
The gracious movie industry is now offering, "legal" internet downloads of newly released DVDs. But, you will only be able to watch the film on your computer. Burning is a big no-no.
The price? Somewhere between $20-$30. Hmmmmm.....let’s see.....
$30 download.....
free download....
$30 download....
free download.....man that’s a tough decision!
Ab duel?
On the serious side of things, Paula Abdul claims she was assaulted by a man, yet to be named, who argued with her, grabbed her by the arm, and slammed her against the wall, causing a concussion and spinal injuries....my money’s on Simon Cowell, but it could be anyone.
I mean who doesn’t want to smack her upside the head right now?...serious my ass.
Let’s try that again
On the serious side of things, a Toronto couple were found guilty of second-degree murder Friday in the death of their five-year-old grandson, who basically starved to death in 2002 after being abused for much of his life.
What an incredibly heinous crime. The neglect and death of a child is no laughing matter.....unless....and I realize I may get a few comments about this....unless it involves a monkey, a roast beef sandwich and jumper cables.
It’s not just about getting your meat smoked anymore.
Montreal has a new slogan. "Come to Montreal," they say. "Where the more you kiss, the Frencher you get."
They’re trying to tell you Montreal is a French culture. Christ! More people speak English, and only English, in Montreal than the entire GTA. If you want to hear French, go to Paris. If you want to hear Mandarin, go to Vancouver......yeah I’ve got a slogan for ya.... "Come to Montreal, It’s just like New York except with more strippers."
Thar she blows
Hurricane season is upon us once again.....well not me....you poor sods who live in coastal, hurricane ravaged areas. They say to expect at least nine storms this year, five of them severe.
If I were you, I’d start looking for another place to live right now......Hey...."Come to Montreal..."
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Time to B.B.Q.
Bra-vo, Bra-vo!
It’s going to take me a while to get back into the routine of not Blogging everyday...if that makes any sense? Forget this is my 500th post.....No, I said just forget it....don't send me anything for this meaningless milestone. Nope. Not even a comment....Thank you.
A few interesting bits I heard this week were.....
Victoria Secret is suing La Senza over a bra. According to VC, they claim the La Senza "Itec" bra is a blatant rip-off of their, "Ipex" model. Other than both products are four letters long , begin with "I", sound eerily familiar, and hold breasts, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean how do you tell the difference?
Hey......I have an idea about how to settle this matter out of court. I say we get a panel of judges....say myself, The Mayor, Bob Noxious and GIGC, because she really enjoys groping women.
We line up a bunch of models, 50 should be sufficient, all wearing one or the other bras. Then we try, through various touching and squeezing exercises, to guess who’s wearing what.....sorry we are no longer accepting resumes from would-be judges.
It's spring yet Leafs are still falling.
Toronto Maple Leafs coach , Pat Quinn says when the season’s over he will visit the Canadian troops in Afghanistan. I ask, with 10 games remaining and seven points out of a playoff spot, what are you still doing here Pat? The season is over. The Leafs are already dead, just like I predicted back in November.
Can you guess where I'm calling from?
Speaking of dead and buried: Apparently an increasing new trend is for people to be accompanied six feet under by their cell phones and lap tops. Just think of the long distance charges....of course someone else is going to be paying the bill.
Screening the screeners
Experts aren’t so sure that the makers of sun screen are selling products that give you the protection and longevity they preach, saying, "Sun-screen may be the modern day 'snake oil' of placebos"....Personally I have no complaints. It has always given me exceptional protection. I have never had a problem with longevity, or gotten anyone pregnant for that matter. Plus it tastes great on bread. It's everything I was told it was. What more can you ask for?
Didn't we almost have it all?
Did you know Whitney Houston is living in squaller with Bobby Brown in their mansion right now? They probably haven't even switched the clocks forward yet. That is, if they still have clocks. Might have sold 'em for crack. You never know.
First of all, I want to understand....how the fuck do you live in squaller in a mansion?
In a cardboard box? Yes.
In the back seat of a rusted out 72 Dodge? Yes.
In a condemned building? Yes.
But a mansion? I smell a publicity stunt for a potential new board game....let’s see... Whitney...with the crack pipe...in the conservatory.
Idle votes
Finally there is a site you can go to, to vote for the worst American Idol singer each week.
This is an attempt to fuck up the competition and undermine the show. If you’re interested it’s here.
If you ask me, I say, don't waste you're time with Idol. Why don’t we band together, call radio stations and demand airplay for Whitney and Bobby. Do our part to generate some much needed royalties so they can buy a new couch, or if we're really lucky.....O.D.
A few interesting bits I heard this week were.....
Victoria Secret is suing La Senza over a bra. According to VC, they claim the La Senza "Itec" bra is a blatant rip-off of their, "Ipex" model. Other than both products are four letters long , begin with "I", sound eerily familiar, and hold breasts, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean how do you tell the difference?
Hey......I have an idea about how to settle this matter out of court. I say we get a panel of judges....say myself, The Mayor, Bob Noxious and GIGC, because she really enjoys groping women.
We line up a bunch of models, 50 should be sufficient, all wearing one or the other bras. Then we try, through various touching and squeezing exercises, to guess who’s wearing what.....sorry we are no longer accepting resumes from would-be judges.
It's spring yet Leafs are still falling.
Toronto Maple Leafs coach , Pat Quinn says when the season’s over he will visit the Canadian troops in Afghanistan. I ask, with 10 games remaining and seven points out of a playoff spot, what are you still doing here Pat? The season is over. The Leafs are already dead, just like I predicted back in November.
Can you guess where I'm calling from?
Speaking of dead and buried: Apparently an increasing new trend is for people to be accompanied six feet under by their cell phones and lap tops. Just think of the long distance charges....of course someone else is going to be paying the bill.
Screening the screeners
Experts aren’t so sure that the makers of sun screen are selling products that give you the protection and longevity they preach, saying, "Sun-screen may be the modern day 'snake oil' of placebos"....Personally I have no complaints. It has always given me exceptional protection. I have never had a problem with longevity, or gotten anyone pregnant for that matter. Plus it tastes great on bread. It's everything I was told it was. What more can you ask for?
Didn't we almost have it all?
Did you know Whitney Houston is living in squaller with Bobby Brown in their mansion right now? They probably haven't even switched the clocks forward yet. That is, if they still have clocks. Might have sold 'em for crack. You never know.
First of all, I want to understand....how the fuck do you live in squaller in a mansion?
In a cardboard box? Yes.
In the back seat of a rusted out 72 Dodge? Yes.
In a condemned building? Yes.
But a mansion? I smell a publicity stunt for a potential new board game....let’s see... Whitney...with the crack pipe...in the conservatory.
Idle votes
Finally there is a site you can go to, to vote for the worst American Idol singer each week.
This is an attempt to fuck up the competition and undermine the show. If you’re interested it’s here.
If you ask me, I say, don't waste you're time with Idol. Why don’t we band together, call radio stations and demand airplay for Whitney and Bobby. Do our part to generate some much needed royalties so they can buy a new couch, or if we're really lucky.....O.D.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Hippo eats dwarf
April Fools! I'm not really posting anything today, except to rehash last year's link to the top 100 Hoaxes of all time.
However, I did like the title of the guy's book that is this post's namesake and is located on the link page. Makes me wish I'd thought of it first. Shit. No wonder I'm still not published.
However, I did like the title of the guy's book that is this post's namesake and is located on the link page. Makes me wish I'd thought of it first. Shit. No wonder I'm still not published.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I had a dream also
Last night, just like the Mayor did a few weeks back, I had a dream too.....well it was more like a phone call, but there was a little voice on the other end telling me I had to quit Blogging......until the weekends.
Suffice it to say, I always do what the little voices tell me. So, until they speak again and advise me it's all right to Blog everyday, probably in early November, I'll be switching to weekend posts only.
You're still welcome to come here everyday to see if I'm lying, but I'm not.....or am I?
See you Saturday.
Suffice it to say, I always do what the little voices tell me. So, until they speak again and advise me it's all right to Blog everyday, probably in early November, I'll be switching to weekend posts only.
You're still welcome to come here everyday to see if I'm lying, but I'm not.....or am I?
See you Saturday.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Don't shoot the puppy
How about a game? We haven't had one of those in a while. Something mindless and easy to play.
After three days of crying, I need to laugh anyway.
After three days of crying, I need to laugh anyway.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Mitchieville Dec. 31, 2004 - Mar. 15, 2006 R.I.P.
I would like to end this three day eulogy by listing three of my Mitchieville favourites: saying, picture, post.
*drum roll* The envelope please.
For saying: "In Canada, Moosehead is a beer, in Vermont, it's a misdemeanour."
For Picture: I can’t remember where this picture was taken. It was either at the super secret fallout bunker location in Camp Mitchieville or that time The Mayor asked me to come camping with him while we tended a friend's sheep.
And now for my favourite Mitchieville post of all time.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Joe shits in his bed, twice
Here's a little tribute to my buddy Joe. Joe had a stomach flu around Christmas time, and told all his friends a charming story about how he shit his bed, twice.
Joe didn't feel well this Christmas night,
He even missed dinner, he ate not a bite,
He said his tummy wasn't feeling right,
So he went to bed, and turned out the light.
He felt like it would be better if he was dead,
His stomach was grumbling, his face it was red,
His temp it was high, there was a pounding in his head,
Then he fell asleep, and shit in his bed.
When he woke up, he was covered in goo,
Messy and sticky, rolling in poo,
It was on his face, his arms, his back, that is true,
I think even Domenica was laying in it too,
He went to the washroom to clean off the crap,
All the poor fucker wanted to do, was to go back and nap,
So he changed the sheets and climbed back into the sack,
Hopefully that was the last of his bowel attack.
But on this night, God was not his friend,
He should have gone to sleep wearing depends,
I guess his nightmare wouldn't quite end,
Cuz he shit his bed, again and again.
The difference between Joe and his dog is certainly deep,
I suppose that his dog wouldn't shit where it sleeps.
Joe should sleep on some newspaper, instead of his sheets,
Cuz those things cost money, they sure aint cheap.
The moral of the story is plain to see,
Wrap a bag around your body if you're feeling diseased,
Take ammodium for your gut, and aspirin for your head,
And maybe you wont shit in your bed.
UPDATE: Domenica has sent me a few more lines that I have to include, cuz they made me chuckle so much. If you have a line or 2, put them in the comments section, or email them to me and I'll post them.
It's plain to see, yours is a friendship so true,
To be telling the tale of Joe, his stomach grumbling, him rolling in poo.
The story he told was not at all "charming",
from where I was, it was quite alarming!
To set the record straight, although I bore witness to Joe's unfortunate state,
No laying in it on my part. I just woke up to what I thought was a REALLY smelly fart.
All kidding aside, it wasnt a pretty sight,but Joe took it like a man and took a shower twice!
*drum roll* The envelope please.
For saying: "In Canada, Moosehead is a beer, in Vermont, it's a misdemeanour."
For Picture: I can’t remember where this picture was taken. It was either at the super secret fallout bunker location in Camp Mitchieville or that time The Mayor asked me to come camping with him while we tended a friend's sheep.
And now for my favourite Mitchieville post of all time.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Joe shits in his bed, twice
Here's a little tribute to my buddy Joe. Joe had a stomach flu around Christmas time, and told all his friends a charming story about how he shit his bed, twice.
Joe didn't feel well this Christmas night,
He even missed dinner, he ate not a bite,
He said his tummy wasn't feeling right,
So he went to bed, and turned out the light.
He felt like it would be better if he was dead,
His stomach was grumbling, his face it was red,
His temp it was high, there was a pounding in his head,
Then he fell asleep, and shit in his bed.
When he woke up, he was covered in goo,
Messy and sticky, rolling in poo,
It was on his face, his arms, his back, that is true,
I think even Domenica was laying in it too,
He went to the washroom to clean off the crap,
All the poor fucker wanted to do, was to go back and nap,
So he changed the sheets and climbed back into the sack,
Hopefully that was the last of his bowel attack.
But on this night, God was not his friend,
He should have gone to sleep wearing depends,
I guess his nightmare wouldn't quite end,
Cuz he shit his bed, again and again.
The difference between Joe and his dog is certainly deep,
I suppose that his dog wouldn't shit where it sleeps.
Joe should sleep on some newspaper, instead of his sheets,
Cuz those things cost money, they sure aint cheap.
The moral of the story is plain to see,
Wrap a bag around your body if you're feeling diseased,
Take ammodium for your gut, and aspirin for your head,
And maybe you wont shit in your bed.
UPDATE: Domenica has sent me a few more lines that I have to include, cuz they made me chuckle so much. If you have a line or 2, put them in the comments section, or email them to me and I'll post them.
It's plain to see, yours is a friendship so true,
To be telling the tale of Joe, his stomach grumbling, him rolling in poo.
The story he told was not at all "charming",
from where I was, it was quite alarming!
To set the record straight, although I bore witness to Joe's unfortunate state,
No laying in it on my part. I just woke up to what I thought was a REALLY smelly fart.
All kidding aside, it wasnt a pretty sight,but Joe took it like a man and took a shower twice!
Goodbye Mayor. You'll be missed.....and I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Eulogy part 2
What more can be said about the Mayor and his Blog?
Mitchieville was a place where we could cast off the daily grind, and relax with a few words of wisdom from our brother Blogger.
The Mayor was always quick to keep us up to date on current events. He was informative and helpful. He never made fun of his readers, (see picture). What a swell guy.
In fact, he had a soft spot when listening to his constituents concerns.
Even after a dirty campaign fight with his nemesis Jerry Casby. He often let his tenderness show through when he blogged.
If it weren’t for the Mayor I would have never known the dead body guy, or how to talk to women. He had an ingrained ability to show me there was always another way to look at the world.
Yes sir, that man was special......Oh God....I'm tearing up.....I promised him I wouldn't cry.
Tomorrow I will end this tribute with my three favourite Mitchieville moments. Saying, Picture and Post. Be advised to bring a box of tissues......
Mitchieville was a place where we could cast off the daily grind, and relax with a few words of wisdom from our brother Blogger.
The Mayor was always quick to keep us up to date on current events. He was informative and helpful. He never made fun of his readers, (see picture). What a swell guy.
In fact, he had a soft spot when listening to his constituents concerns.
Even after a dirty campaign fight with his nemesis Jerry Casby. He often let his tenderness show through when he blogged.
If it weren’t for the Mayor I would have never known the dead body guy, or how to talk to women. He had an ingrained ability to show me there was always another way to look at the world.
Yes sir, that man was special......Oh God....I'm tearing up.....I promised him I wouldn't cry.
Tomorrow I will end this tribute with my three favourite Mitchieville moments. Saying, Picture and Post. Be advised to bring a box of tissues......
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Thus quote the Mayor..."Evermore"
All right, it was a week ago the Mayor decided he was closing the doors to his Blog forever.
In memory of his wit, and humour, and humanitarianism...really I could go on, but I won’t, I had a fitting tribute planned with some of my favourite posts, and links from his site. I spent hours upon hours, scouring his archives, looking for the gems and then what happens?
The Mayor comes out of a three day retirement and starts posting again like a madman. I think as of today he had posted 782 new Blogs in three days. Holy fuck! Did his special Columbian shipment finally get here or something?
Well, you know what? Fuck it! I’m giving the bastard the send-off he deserves whether he likes it or not. And this is no easy task. It could take a few days as my researchers, (me), comb the annuls, (Huh,huh...I said annuls), of his Blog.
Mitchieville was a fun place, a nice place,...dare I say it?....A wonderful place where we could all go on a daily basis and run free like buffalo roaming the open plains, until they were all slaughtered.
There among the pages was the kind, sensitive, comedic foray of our extraordinary Mayor.
Who will ever forget some of his priceless links? Links like "Fat chicks in party hats," or "hamsters in hats," for that matter. He was willing to link the risky, "Jesus of the week," and "dad this is Karen," to the absurd: Some idiot who thinks he's Peter Pan other than M.J.
The Mayor will always be remembered as a great lover of animals, (Not in the biblical sense), but kindness, (see picture), yet strange obsession towards them. Seals and penguins in particular were his favourite.
His amazing ability to help others through posts like this one, and his selfless awareness of self being. I mean who could ever forget The Mayor's quest for hits by putting his balls on the line?....Yes we will miss the Mayor.
In memory of his wit, and humour, and humanitarianism...really I could go on, but I won’t, I had a fitting tribute planned with some of my favourite posts, and links from his site. I spent hours upon hours, scouring his archives, looking for the gems and then what happens?
The Mayor comes out of a three day retirement and starts posting again like a madman. I think as of today he had posted 782 new Blogs in three days. Holy fuck! Did his special Columbian shipment finally get here or something?
Well, you know what? Fuck it! I’m giving the bastard the send-off he deserves whether he likes it or not. And this is no easy task. It could take a few days as my researchers, (me), comb the annuls, (Huh,huh...I said annuls), of his Blog.
Mitchieville was a fun place, a nice place,...dare I say it?....A wonderful place where we could all go on a daily basis and run free like buffalo roaming the open plains, until they were all slaughtered.
There among the pages was the kind, sensitive, comedic foray of our extraordinary Mayor.
Who will ever forget some of his priceless links? Links like "Fat chicks in party hats," or "hamsters in hats," for that matter. He was willing to link the risky, "Jesus of the week," and "dad this is Karen," to the absurd: Some idiot who thinks he's Peter Pan other than M.J.
The Mayor will always be remembered as a great lover of animals, (Not in the biblical sense), but kindness, (see picture), yet strange obsession towards them. Seals and penguins in particular were his favourite.
His amazing ability to help others through posts like this one, and his selfless awareness of self being. I mean who could ever forget The Mayor's quest for hits by putting his balls on the line?....Yes we will miss the Mayor.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Heads you win
Do you see that? I make a comment about yesterday being the first day of spring and how we've had a mild winter, then it snows last night. You know what? Fuck it all. Fuck winter. Fuck spring. Fuck that fuckin' groundhog.
But that's neither here nor there concerning today's post.
Look, I know you don’t like listening to women...unless you are a woman....and even then....some women can't stand listening to other women. In fact, you go out of your way to avoid conversing with them because generally, as men, we all run out of things to say sooner or later, and then we have to tune out.
But I guarentee today, this is one woman you want to listen to, (no not me silly. The woman in the link I'm going to post.) Why? Because she is going to tell you what you need to do, to get more head from your woman.
It’s a win-win situation, and when I say "win-win," I mean all for us.
Outside of the pleasurable esthetics of the act itself when she's down to lube the tube, she has her mouth full and can’t very well speak can she? So you don’t have to listen. Get it? So listen just this once to what a female has to say on the subject.
She'll tell you great things like it's a mouth not a gloryhole. Don't fuck it until you get to the stomach. And say it don't just spray it. Give the girl the option when you're unloading, because, she might have psychological issues over swallowing the entire population of China, or as she said, "It doesn't taste like butterscotch."
Looks like I have to find a new topping for my icecream.
But that's neither here nor there concerning today's post.
Look, I know you don’t like listening to women...unless you are a woman....and even then....some women can't stand listening to other women. In fact, you go out of your way to avoid conversing with them because generally, as men, we all run out of things to say sooner or later, and then we have to tune out.
But I guarentee today, this is one woman you want to listen to, (no not me silly. The woman in the link I'm going to post.) Why? Because she is going to tell you what you need to do, to get more head from your woman.
It’s a win-win situation, and when I say "win-win," I mean all for us.
Outside of the pleasurable esthetics of the act itself when she's down to lube the tube, she has her mouth full and can’t very well speak can she? So you don’t have to listen. Get it? So listen just this once to what a female has to say on the subject.
She'll tell you great things like it's a mouth not a gloryhole. Don't fuck it until you get to the stomach. And say it don't just spray it. Give the girl the option when you're unloading, because, she might have psychological issues over swallowing the entire population of China, or as she said, "It doesn't taste like butterscotch."
Looks like I have to find a new topping for my icecream.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
He'll be back again some day
Vernal Equinox? Sounds like a South American soccer player.
Today is the first full day of Spring. It arrived yesterday afternoon, but I had my head up my ass and missed it.
Personally I don’t think we suffered much this winter. I can only remember shovelling the driveway twice. Perhaps where you are, you’re still digging out, but take heart. The warmer weather is on the way and hopefully, you won’t have to look at the white shit, or endure S.A.D. again til Novemeber/December.
Really nothing funny about today's post. Unless you think the death of a snowman is humorous, you sick bastard?
Monday, March 20, 2006
CMN #11
This is the last post in the Chuck Norris Monday series. Yes that's right......this series went to eleven, which is one louder, isn't it?
I thought as a fitting tribute, I would post a link showing the remarkable God-like powers of Mr. Norris. With out further delay......Chuck Norris vs God.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Snakes and sharks, oh my
Attendance is off and plummeting even further for theatres everywhere, as people decide to spend their entertainment dollars on other activities like hookers and blow.
What do you expect when Lion's Gate re-releases "Crash" into theatres, in a flagrant cash grab. Perhaps they should have changed the title to "Cash"? They would've snared more idiots for a film that has been on DVD and television for months.
The film head honchos are now exploring the possibility of installing software that will jam cell phone reception while sitting in front of the big screen, in hope of attracting back the movie going audience.
While the movie industry has their collective head up their ass over this issue, let me once again scream out, "Just make better fuckin’ movies and stop trying to rip us off!"
Do you think anyone is going to get inline for celluloid gems like this. I think not. Is Samuel L. Jackson that hard up for rolls he has to resort to this kind of folderol?
What’s next? The actual realization of a parody such as this? A sequel from the people who brought you, "Must Love Dogs." I’d rather watch a shitty downloaded cam version of "Eight Below" while GIGC balls her eyes out next to me.
What do you expect when Lion's Gate re-releases "Crash" into theatres, in a flagrant cash grab. Perhaps they should have changed the title to "Cash"? They would've snared more idiots for a film that has been on DVD and television for months.
The film head honchos are now exploring the possibility of installing software that will jam cell phone reception while sitting in front of the big screen, in hope of attracting back the movie going audience.
While the movie industry has their collective head up their ass over this issue, let me once again scream out, "Just make better fuckin’ movies and stop trying to rip us off!"
Do you think anyone is going to get inline for celluloid gems like this. I think not. Is Samuel L. Jackson that hard up for rolls he has to resort to this kind of folderol?
What’s next? The actual realization of a parody such as this? A sequel from the people who brought you, "Must Love Dogs." I’d rather watch a shitty downloaded cam version of "Eight Below" while GIGC balls her eyes out next to me.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
St. Pats: It's not just about puking anymore
I realize I've been focusing much of my attention on another Blog that shall remain nameless in this post. I've gotten away from the mindless links and normal blather that makes Strangedaze slightly below average.
In an effort to correct this before the clock ticks away and I'm relegated to weekends until the fall, I'd like to return a certain level of normalcy.
The day after the night before is usually a rough one. Especially when that day is St. Patricks Day. However it's not just about Leprechauns, and lepers anymore. There’s a whole greeting card business booming and taking a rightful stand next to Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and Christmas.
Feast your eyes on some of these little buggers.
In an effort to correct this before the clock ticks away and I'm relegated to weekends until the fall, I'd like to return a certain level of normalcy.
The day after the night before is usually a rough one. Especially when that day is St. Patricks Day. However it's not just about Leprechauns, and lepers anymore. There’s a whole greeting card business booming and taking a rightful stand next to Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and Christmas.
Feast your eyes on some of these little buggers.
The Mayor's disappearing act
As some of you may know, I have been concerned about my friend the Mayor over the past few days, and his persistent declarations that he has decided to quit Blogging.
Yesterday I dropped by the office to wish him a great St. Patty’s Day and perhaps coax him out for a green pint or two.
The office was empty. I was about to leave when I heard a grunt emerge from beneath his desk. There I found the Mayor on a small mattress of urine stained yellow, where he’d apparently spent the night in solitude. His hair was a dishevelled mess, which I found very odd since the Mayor doesn’t have any hair. He refused to come out, but waved two pair of tickets at me from his humble domicile.
"Which would you rather see, David Copperfield or the theatre production of Lord of the Rings?" He said.
"Can’t I go to both?"
"They’re both for tonight."
"Why don’t you just start blogging again and go yourself."
"No!"
I said. "Dude you have to get off this crazy twelve-step program you’re on."
"Do you want them or not? Choose!"
"Ok David Copperfield....no...Lord of the Rings....no Copperfield."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, cause maybe Copperfield will pick me from the audience when he does one of those 'teleporting an audience member to where they want to go,' tricks and I can have him send me to Lord of the Rings....huh?"
The Mayor popped his head up so just his eyes appeared above the horizon of the mahogany. "You’re crazy, you know that?"
"This from a man living under his desk," I responded.
"Ok...here." He handed me both pairs. "Copperfield is out of town. Go see my midget man servant Pano, and he will take you to the show in the chopper."
"What’s wrong with the Jet? Why can’t I take the jet?"
"The jet’s being used as a temporary methadone clinic for homeless addicts."
"Jesus! Things are really falling apart around here fast."
Once again the seats were beyond reproach. Both shows were entertaining, yet lacking the fullness of entertainment satisfaction. I guess I should have selected just one show. And I don't think Copperfield was too pleased when I punched an elderly man and caught the frisbee. I told him I didn't want to be teleported to Austrailia. I wanted to be sent to the Lord of the Rings.
He whispered out the side of his mouth. "Tell the audience you want to go to Austrailia."
"No!" I said. "I already have the tickets. I want to go The Lord of the Rings."
Copperfield sighed. " Ladies and gentlemen, I will now send this man to Austrailia. He may age a bit in the process."
"What the..."
He threw a tarp over me. Made me disappear. I was whiskied off the stage in secret. Thrown into the back of a limo and told never to come back to any of his shows. Apparently, someone who looked more like the elderly chap I stole the frisbee from, appeared on a beach in Brisbane to the cummunal awe of those in attendance.
As for the Mayor he is now past the 72nd hour of his non-blogging March madness. I urge you. Go to him now! Request that he ends his literary famine and open up the gates of his unusual and dark comedic brain once more. Plus I hear he’s looking to dump some Platinum seats, court side, for the Raptor’s game .
Yesterday I dropped by the office to wish him a great St. Patty’s Day and perhaps coax him out for a green pint or two.
The office was empty. I was about to leave when I heard a grunt emerge from beneath his desk. There I found the Mayor on a small mattress of urine stained yellow, where he’d apparently spent the night in solitude. His hair was a dishevelled mess, which I found very odd since the Mayor doesn’t have any hair. He refused to come out, but waved two pair of tickets at me from his humble domicile.
"Which would you rather see, David Copperfield or the theatre production of Lord of the Rings?" He said.
"Can’t I go to both?"
"They’re both for tonight."
"Why don’t you just start blogging again and go yourself."
"No!"
I said. "Dude you have to get off this crazy twelve-step program you’re on."
"Do you want them or not? Choose!"
"Ok David Copperfield....no...Lord of the Rings....no Copperfield."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, cause maybe Copperfield will pick me from the audience when he does one of those 'teleporting an audience member to where they want to go,' tricks and I can have him send me to Lord of the Rings....huh?"
The Mayor popped his head up so just his eyes appeared above the horizon of the mahogany. "You’re crazy, you know that?"
"This from a man living under his desk," I responded.
"Ok...here." He handed me both pairs. "Copperfield is out of town. Go see my midget man servant Pano, and he will take you to the show in the chopper."
"What’s wrong with the Jet? Why can’t I take the jet?"
"The jet’s being used as a temporary methadone clinic for homeless addicts."
"Jesus! Things are really falling apart around here fast."
Once again the seats were beyond reproach. Both shows were entertaining, yet lacking the fullness of entertainment satisfaction. I guess I should have selected just one show. And I don't think Copperfield was too pleased when I punched an elderly man and caught the frisbee. I told him I didn't want to be teleported to Austrailia. I wanted to be sent to the Lord of the Rings.
He whispered out the side of his mouth. "Tell the audience you want to go to Austrailia."
"No!" I said. "I already have the tickets. I want to go The Lord of the Rings."
Copperfield sighed. " Ladies and gentlemen, I will now send this man to Austrailia. He may age a bit in the process."
"What the..."
He threw a tarp over me. Made me disappear. I was whiskied off the stage in secret. Thrown into the back of a limo and told never to come back to any of his shows. Apparently, someone who looked more like the elderly chap I stole the frisbee from, appeared on a beach in Brisbane to the cummunal awe of those in attendance.
As for the Mayor he is now past the 72nd hour of his non-blogging March madness. I urge you. Go to him now! Request that he ends his literary famine and open up the gates of his unusual and dark comedic brain once more. Plus I hear he’s looking to dump some Platinum seats, court side, for the Raptor’s game .
Friday, March 17, 2006
Queen La-thief-a
Once again I was the recipient of the Mayor’s hospitality. This time through GIGC.
She was stopping by the Mayor’s office to drop off a stick of French bread, a fruit basket, and just to say hi.
She found him in his now depressed state, wallowing in anguish. He paused long enough to remove the gun from his mouth and asked her, "do you want some really sweet tickets to see Queen and Paul Rogers?"
"Where did you get them?"
"I stole them," he replied.
"Really?" She said.
"No not really. Haven't you heard? I don't want to Blog anymore."
"Oh." She said. "Well....good luck with all that."
Then she asked the question most troubling her brain. "What’s the catch? What do I have to do for these tickets?"
He said, "Make sure you take Strange with you".
Although faced with a hard decision, she relented and took the tickets.
First of all, I don’t know where the Mayor keeps getting these seats but they were again spectacular. We were dead centre on the floor about five rows back from the catwalk stage that jutted out into the audience like some phallic beast.
Brian May was so close he actually sweated on me several times, burning my eyes. He’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
The show was amazing. They played that Vanilla Ice song, then they played that David Bowie "Pressure" song, a bunch of Bad Company songs, and topped it all off with that Wayne’s World song, and the other one you some times hear in sports arenas.
The only downfall of the evening was, being that close to the stage tends to scare audiences when the band members are, how should I say, of a more mature age. I can’t imagine the horror of actually being that close to seeing the Stones perform. It would be simply terrifing.
Paul Rogers looked like Chuck Norris which in itself is scarry enough. Although he didn’t look like the 65 year old Chuck. He looked more like the 62 year old Chuck.
I think Kelsey Grammar was on keyboards, and the guitarist from Loverboy on rhythm. Not Mike Reno, the other red bandana wearing freak, what’s his name.
Then there was Roger Taylor who had a fat Rutger Hauer vibe going on. I nearly shit myself twice when he was allowed to linger near the edge of the catwalk.
In all a great show. I can’t wait to see what the Mayor has for us next. That is, if he’s still alive?
She was stopping by the Mayor’s office to drop off a stick of French bread, a fruit basket, and just to say hi.
She found him in his now depressed state, wallowing in anguish. He paused long enough to remove the gun from his mouth and asked her, "do you want some really sweet tickets to see Queen and Paul Rogers?"
"Where did you get them?"
"I stole them," he replied.
"Really?" She said.
"No not really. Haven't you heard? I don't want to Blog anymore."
"Oh." She said. "Well....good luck with all that."
Then she asked the question most troubling her brain. "What’s the catch? What do I have to do for these tickets?"
He said, "Make sure you take Strange with you".
Although faced with a hard decision, she relented and took the tickets.
First of all, I don’t know where the Mayor keeps getting these seats but they were again spectacular. We were dead centre on the floor about five rows back from the catwalk stage that jutted out into the audience like some phallic beast.
Brian May was so close he actually sweated on me several times, burning my eyes. He’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
The show was amazing. They played that Vanilla Ice song, then they played that David Bowie "Pressure" song, a bunch of Bad Company songs, and topped it all off with that Wayne’s World song, and the other one you some times hear in sports arenas.
The only downfall of the evening was, being that close to the stage tends to scare audiences when the band members are, how should I say, of a more mature age. I can’t imagine the horror of actually being that close to seeing the Stones perform. It would be simply terrifing.
Paul Rogers looked like Chuck Norris which in itself is scarry enough. Although he didn’t look like the 65 year old Chuck. He looked more like the 62 year old Chuck.
I think Kelsey Grammar was on keyboards, and the guitarist from Loverboy on rhythm. Not Mike Reno, the other red bandana wearing freak, what’s his name.
Then there was Roger Taylor who had a fat Rutger Hauer vibe going on. I nearly shit myself twice when he was allowed to linger near the edge of the catwalk.
In all a great show. I can’t wait to see what the Mayor has for us next. That is, if he’s still alive?
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Mayor makes amends
Earlier in the year the Mayor sent me and GIGC to a Leafs game to watch them play the San Jose Sharks. Said he was giving us his special seats. Seats that nearly caused me to have a brain aneurysm, they were up so high . So when the Mayor offered us tickets while the Bruins were in town. I had to think twice.
He assured me these were much better ducats than the previous offering. He told me he had been given the seats as a gift with his newly loaded Ford Explorer that has bullet proof glass. (That's what you need when you give your kid a loaded fire-arm for his birthday.)
I asked him, "How come you aren't going to the game?"
He said he couldn’t go because he was having surgery on an annoying goiter.
I said, "Really?"
And he said, "No. Not really. I just don't feel like going. In fact, I don't feel like doing anything. You know what? I'm going to quit Blogging."
Just like that. He blurted it out in the snap of fingers like switch-blade steel. "I'm going to quit Blogging."
It was at that point that I asked the Mayor the most important question of all. "So...uh..do you have the tickets on you or do I have to pick them up?"
Fortunately he had them on him and handed them over with a sad expression that should've been reserved for the creepiest of clowns.
Well let me tell you people. The seats were in the ACC restaurant, right on the glass, overlooking the rink, and were spectacular. I think that is the first time I’ve ever had a meal where I actually looked snooty while I ate.
They brought us pheasant, lobster, grilled partridge, stuffed mushrooms, fillet minion, the works. It was hard to watch the game there was so much food and booze.
Initially the match between the two juggernauts was not going the way of the Buds and GIGC, being the fan she is, was not taking things lightly. Let's just say, shortly after someone threw a piece of prime rib and Yorkshire pudding onto the ice, the boys turned it around. They came back to win in a shootout 5-4.
Wow! What a game.
However, a few times during the evening, I think when I was at the urinal, my thoughts turned back to the Mayor and his strange demeanor. "He's going to quit Blogging? He can't do that. Who will I rip my stuff off of?"
So I urge you, what few readers I have, (probably all from Mitchieville anyway), to go to the Mayor's side and urge him not to quit. If that fails. I know where he lives.
We need good men like the Mayor in our lives to prove milk can still come out of our noses and your right testicle will pop like a balloon if you laugh too hard.
He assured me these were much better ducats than the previous offering. He told me he had been given the seats as a gift with his newly loaded Ford Explorer that has bullet proof glass. (That's what you need when you give your kid a loaded fire-arm for his birthday.)
I asked him, "How come you aren't going to the game?"
He said he couldn’t go because he was having surgery on an annoying goiter.
I said, "Really?"
And he said, "No. Not really. I just don't feel like going. In fact, I don't feel like doing anything. You know what? I'm going to quit Blogging."
Just like that. He blurted it out in the snap of fingers like switch-blade steel. "I'm going to quit Blogging."
It was at that point that I asked the Mayor the most important question of all. "So...uh..do you have the tickets on you or do I have to pick them up?"
Fortunately he had them on him and handed them over with a sad expression that should've been reserved for the creepiest of clowns.
Well let me tell you people. The seats were in the ACC restaurant, right on the glass, overlooking the rink, and were spectacular. I think that is the first time I’ve ever had a meal where I actually looked snooty while I ate.
They brought us pheasant, lobster, grilled partridge, stuffed mushrooms, fillet minion, the works. It was hard to watch the game there was so much food and booze.
Initially the match between the two juggernauts was not going the way of the Buds and GIGC, being the fan she is, was not taking things lightly. Let's just say, shortly after someone threw a piece of prime rib and Yorkshire pudding onto the ice, the boys turned it around. They came back to win in a shootout 5-4.
Wow! What a game.
However, a few times during the evening, I think when I was at the urinal, my thoughts turned back to the Mayor and his strange demeanor. "He's going to quit Blogging? He can't do that. Who will I rip my stuff off of?"
So I urge you, what few readers I have, (probably all from Mitchieville anyway), to go to the Mayor's side and urge him not to quit. If that fails. I know where he lives.
We need good men like the Mayor in our lives to prove milk can still come out of our noses and your right testicle will pop like a balloon if you laugh too hard.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Johnny Rotten is not your monkey
The Sex Pistols have snubbed the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction saying, amid flatulence and other gastric noises, "Next to the Sex Pistols rock and roll and that hall of fame is a piss stain," and, "Your museum. Urine in wine. We're not coming. We're not your monkey and so what?"
I guess that pretty much sums it up. But good God, look at that face. Tell me do you really want to fork over the $20 plus U.S. to gain entrance into the Hall's already blah interior, and then have to stare at that mug? Or smell the fecal matter they chose to write their names in the autograph corridor? Well do ya?
Hey Johnny here's a news flash: guys who are pushing 60 aren't considered rebellious anymore, they're just thought of as senile farts. Like poor old Uncle Willie, former P.O.W., who tells people to "fuck off" repeatedly and still steals bread off the dinner table and stuffs it up under his sweater.
I wonder what Syd Vicious would have had to say or do about all this?
Full story's here.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It’s unanimous
Did I see right?
Last night I saw an ad for a new reality television program called "Unanimous". The premiss is they lock twelve people in a bunker underground. Only one of which will win a prize pool starting at 1.5 million.
The catch is, they all have to unanimously agree who gets the moolah. The longer it takes, the more the pot shrinks, ticking away like the seconds on "24" until it's nothing more than parking validation.
Does anyone else see the stupidity here? The desperation, the futility? And I'm not talking about my Blog.
Are we that hard up for entertainment, we have to resort to a bunch of greedy fucks strangling each other on national television screaming, "Give me the money"?
What's next "The Fearless, Survivor, Amazing Racing, Fat, Wife-swapping, Strange-Nanny-Loving, Sureal Life Bachelor?"
Well, I won’t be watching "Unanimous," and listening to a bunch of sniveling idiots.
"Oh give me the money. I have cancer."
"No give me the....I'm sorry I have short term memory loss. What was it you were supposed to give me?"
"No give me the money I lost my leg on an ice-flow to a hostile penguin. See I have a prosthetic leg."
Then someone beats him to death with it.
Nope not for me. Won't give it the time of day. I don’t need to. I’ll just wait for Uncle Willie to pass on and watch the hornets nest of relatives squabble over the inheritance with kitchen utensils until only one is left standing.
Now that’s entertainment value.
Hey, who do I contact at the networks about this?
"A coffin filled with cash.....thirty angry and grieving relatives....one butter knife.....who will win?.......The Inheritance!"
Last night I saw an ad for a new reality television program called "Unanimous". The premiss is they lock twelve people in a bunker underground. Only one of which will win a prize pool starting at 1.5 million.
The catch is, they all have to unanimously agree who gets the moolah. The longer it takes, the more the pot shrinks, ticking away like the seconds on "24" until it's nothing more than parking validation.
Does anyone else see the stupidity here? The desperation, the futility? And I'm not talking about my Blog.
Are we that hard up for entertainment, we have to resort to a bunch of greedy fucks strangling each other on national television screaming, "Give me the money"?
What's next "The Fearless, Survivor, Amazing Racing, Fat, Wife-swapping, Strange-Nanny-Loving, Sureal Life Bachelor?"
Well, I won’t be watching "Unanimous," and listening to a bunch of sniveling idiots.
"Oh give me the money. I have cancer."
"No give me the....I'm sorry I have short term memory loss. What was it you were supposed to give me?"
"No give me the money I lost my leg on an ice-flow to a hostile penguin. See I have a prosthetic leg."
Then someone beats him to death with it.
Nope not for me. Won't give it the time of day. I don’t need to. I’ll just wait for Uncle Willie to pass on and watch the hornets nest of relatives squabble over the inheritance with kitchen utensils until only one is left standing.
Now that’s entertainment value.
Hey, who do I contact at the networks about this?
"A coffin filled with cash.....thirty angry and grieving relatives....one butter knife.....who will win?.......The Inheritance!"
Monday, March 13, 2006
CNM #10
It amazes me. Chuck is like 65 yet he doesn't look a day over 53. Remarkable.....simply remarkable.
Today on Chuck Norris Monday, or as the Scots would say, "Norrrrrrris," I have a little one on one. Some hoops to send you into March Madness. Except neither of these guys would be playing in the final four. Jimmy Kimmel vs Eminem.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
That's breakfast
Lyrics: Barlow/Malveen
Music: The Oral Blondes
That's Breakfast
Fried eggs in the morning sun
Bacon sizzles til it’s damn near done
Toast poppin' on the window sill
Greasy home fries on electric grill
That’s breakfast, Yeah!
That’s breakfast
Coffee brewing in the grease-stained pot
I burn my fingers cause it’s frickin hot
A slab of ham will make me happy too
Good thing I’m a Gentile and I’m not a Jew
That’s breakfast, Woah!
That’s breakfast
Good God that's breakfast
Yup! That's breakfast
Don’t need no quiche, with leafy salad sides
No whole grain cereals that are fortified
Don’t need no green slaw that’s Kentucky Fried.
I ate it once and then I damn near died.
Oh yeah, I need breakfast
I’m salivating when the morning’s near
I’ll Replace my OJ with a pint of beer
Butter melting right before my eyes
Just like cock sausage into a Hooker’s thighs
That's breakfast, yeah
That's breakfast
Somebody stop me
That's breakfast, Good God
That's breakfast
For more on The Oral Blondes go here.
Music: The Oral Blondes
That's Breakfast
Fried eggs in the morning sun
Bacon sizzles til it’s damn near done
Toast poppin' on the window sill
Greasy home fries on electric grill
That’s breakfast, Yeah!
That’s breakfast
Coffee brewing in the grease-stained pot
I burn my fingers cause it’s frickin hot
A slab of ham will make me happy too
Good thing I’m a Gentile and I’m not a Jew
That’s breakfast, Woah!
That’s breakfast
Good God that's breakfast
Yup! That's breakfast
Don’t need no quiche, with leafy salad sides
No whole grain cereals that are fortified
Don’t need no green slaw that’s Kentucky Fried.
I ate it once and then I damn near died.
Oh yeah, I need breakfast
I’m salivating when the morning’s near
I’ll Replace my OJ with a pint of beer
Butter melting right before my eyes
Just like cock sausage into a Hooker’s thighs
That's breakfast, yeah
That's breakfast
Somebody stop me
That's breakfast, Good God
That's breakfast
For more on The Oral Blondes go here.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Eat my Blog
I haven't had much time over the last few days, and today is no different. In fact, soon I'll be moving back to a weekend Blog only, to the collective cheers or jeers, depending on which side of the fence you sit.
Today I have a few links for you to visit. Or perhaps time is an issue for you as well and you've already switched to another site?.......Hello......hello......Am I talking to myself?
Anyhoo, the following are links I just don't have time to comment on, other than to say I don't have time to comment on them, and type it all out.
Actually, they've been sitting around for a while and had been banished to the Island of lost Blogs until a day, like today, where I don't have time to comment on anything, except as I said before, to express I don't have the time to comment.
Those who can't do, teach
Masturbation 101
Winston, that cool refreshing smoke
Today I have a few links for you to visit. Or perhaps time is an issue for you as well and you've already switched to another site?.......Hello......hello......Am I talking to myself?
Anyhoo, the following are links I just don't have time to comment on, other than to say I don't have time to comment on them, and type it all out.
Actually, they've been sitting around for a while and had been banished to the Island of lost Blogs until a day, like today, where I don't have time to comment on anything, except as I said before, to express I don't have the time to comment.
Those who can't do, teach
Masturbation 101
Winston, that cool refreshing smoke
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Sink or Schwim
The Mayor has Sargon the Magnificent to predict your astrological future. I on the other hand, have to settle for David Schwimmer, which means you have to settle for David Schwimmer. How bad could it be? Go find out.
I know what you're saying. "Is this the best you can do for a post?"
Hey, cut me some slack. It's 10:45, I'm just getting home and instead of spending time with GIGC, I'm Blogging for you.
I know what you're saying. "Is this the best you can do for a post?"
Hey, cut me some slack. It's 10:45, I'm just getting home and instead of spending time with GIGC, I'm Blogging for you.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Mayor may not?
I admit in the dying moments of the Oscar Party Sunday, one final spin of the roulette wheel was made and the unfortunate victim of the outcome was the Mayor.
Yet, the Mayor failed to inform you, the sweet, kind, lovely people of Mitchieville, he himself was rewarded with 3 extra points earlier in the evening. When his number, 36 red, snagged the waiting gill of Ol’ Lady Luck, he rushed around like a madman. He went as far as to push my dear old, great, great, grandmother to the floor and scream, "In your face lady!"
You remember, don't you Mayor? It was in between the Bahamian Fire Dancers and the Filipino Concubines, or as Geddy Lee commented right before he passed out into the crab-dip, "Somewhere between the bright lights and the far unlit unknown."
For those of you who dropped advanced math: Subtract those 3 points from the Mayor’s score and he is no better than tied for the lead with the eventual winner, young, tender, fragile, adorable Larissa before she was awarded the points of a tie-breaking spin.
The Mayor would lead you to believe a conspiracy was at work, but it was nothing more than the cruel fickle hand of fate I assure you.
However, never let it be said that Strange turns his back on a friend. Family member maybe, but a friend/ cohort/ soul mate? Never!
I offer the peace pipe of forgiveness and friendship, packed with Bob Noxious’ finest. I am willing to send the Mayor 2, (count ‘em two), female midget strippers, a link of Montreal smoked sausage, a condom wrapper personally autographed by David Soul, and a fruit basket.
(the autograph is going to be the deal breaker.)
The Mayor is a great friend and I would hate to lose that. Or as they say in German,
"Ich wünsche, dass ich gewusst habe, wie Sie aufzugeben."
Yet, the Mayor failed to inform you, the sweet, kind, lovely people of Mitchieville, he himself was rewarded with 3 extra points earlier in the evening. When his number, 36 red, snagged the waiting gill of Ol’ Lady Luck, he rushed around like a madman. He went as far as to push my dear old, great, great, grandmother to the floor and scream, "In your face lady!"
You remember, don't you Mayor? It was in between the Bahamian Fire Dancers and the Filipino Concubines, or as Geddy Lee commented right before he passed out into the crab-dip, "Somewhere between the bright lights and the far unlit unknown."
For those of you who dropped advanced math: Subtract those 3 points from the Mayor’s score and he is no better than tied for the lead with the eventual winner, young, tender, fragile, adorable Larissa before she was awarded the points of a tie-breaking spin.
The Mayor would lead you to believe a conspiracy was at work, but it was nothing more than the cruel fickle hand of fate I assure you.
However, never let it be said that Strange turns his back on a friend. Family member maybe, but a friend/ cohort/ soul mate? Never!
I offer the peace pipe of forgiveness and friendship, packed with Bob Noxious’ finest. I am willing to send the Mayor 2, (count ‘em two), female midget strippers, a link of Montreal smoked sausage, a condom wrapper personally autographed by David Soul, and a fruit basket.
(the autograph is going to be the deal breaker.)
The Mayor is a great friend and I would hate to lose that. Or as they say in German,
"Ich wünsche, dass ich gewusst habe, wie Sie aufzugeben."
Monday, March 06, 2006
WSM
I know, I know...you're saying what happened to Chuck Norris Monday? Chuck's a little under the weather after last night's Oscar Party, and one too many Racist Mother Fucker Shooters. He is taking a one week hiatus. Still, as sick as Chuck is today, he still managed to utter the most intelligible phase heard all evening, "Obedogoo...blaggggh!" He also delivered a stunning roundhouse to the Mayor's solar-plexis.
However, I wouldn't dream of not posting today. So as a replacement we called in Bill Shatner to pick up the slack until Chuck is back on his feet................Denny Crane!
Also as a bonus. In true CNM fashion here is Bill vs Angie Dickinson. Quick! Avert your eyes!
Personally, I thought Kirk only had sex with green bitches.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
And on the seventh day God said....
"Let there be a show where Hollywood celebrates its own by giving out...I don't know....little gold, bald guys....yeah that's good"......and he saw....and it was too long, but that's besides the point.
The Oscars go tonight. Which is great because it gives us yet another excuse to drink and act stupid. Not that we needed a reason for either, but it helps to have something to blame the impending hangover on.
Much thanks go to the Mayor and the citizens of Mitchieville who helped with shooter names for this year's event. If you are coming to the gala, know you will be ambushed by one or more of the following shooters:
Good Night and Good Luck's- Pinko
Capote's -Lisping Prick
Crash's -Racist Mother Fucker
Munich's -Weinstein's Revenge
and
Brokeback Mountain's -Turd Herder
The Oscars go tonight. Which is great because it gives us yet another excuse to drink and act stupid. Not that we needed a reason for either, but it helps to have something to blame the impending hangover on.
Much thanks go to the Mayor and the citizens of Mitchieville who helped with shooter names for this year's event. If you are coming to the gala, know you will be ambushed by one or more of the following shooters:
Good Night and Good Luck's- Pinko
Capote's -Lisping Prick
Crash's -Racist Mother Fucker
Munich's -Weinstein's Revenge
and
Brokeback Mountain's -Turd Herder
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Capote
Philip Seymore Hoffman should win best actor for his portrayal of Truman Capote. Not only did he do an amazing job but he did it all while speaking on helium.
Helium is funny. Every actor should perform on helium. In fact, I would say Terrence Howard deserves the best actor Oscar for his role in Hustle and Flow but they wouldn’t let him use helium, and sadly he will lose. Although, there’s not too many actors who can claim they beat up Ludacris in two movies this year so Terrence at least has something to smile about.
But, back to Capote. Everytime Hoffman spoke I laughed. Everytime he touched his ear or adjusted his glasses, I laughed. Why? Because I knew he would speak soon after. God bless helium. This is a very funny movie.
I give this movie 5 I liked it's out of 5. It was the helium that put it over the top.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Munich
Steven Spielberg, he’s done it all hasn’t he? He’s entertained us, with flare and poignance in movies like "E.T." He’s astounded us with shlock like "War of the Worlds". He’s rendered the memorable "Jaws," and the forgettable, "Always".
From the provocative, "The Color Purple," to the blockbuster, (insert any of his movies except "Goonies" here), he never fails to deliver. "Munich," a movie dealing with the aftermath of the Munich crisis at the 72 Olympics where Jewish athletes were murdered, might just earn him another best director Oscar.
It would be his second and join the Oscar he received for "Schindler’s List," a movie about the Holocaust.
If he wins, you really have to wonder if Spielberg is the only Jew on the planet hoping for more shit to happen to his people. He only seems to bag these little gold suckers when he presents this type of cimema.
I found this film very intriguing, but look at the poster. If you squint and turn your head slightly to the right, doesn't it look like the guy's sitting on the toilet? I mean, he's got the gun in his hand, but it looks like he's taking a crap. He's all bent forward like he's really trying to crank one out. Gives new meaning to the phrase, "shooting the shit," doesn't it?
I give this movie 4 I liked it’s out of 5.
Tomorrow: Capote
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Crash
I really liked this movie. Crash, or as the tag line reads, "Love in the dying moments of the twentieth century".
After getting into a serious car accident, a TV director discovers an underground sub-culture of scarred car crash fetish victims and tries to use that to rejuvenate his sex life with his wife. Curious, odd, and a flawed examination of sexuality/identity.
Tremendous acting from James Spader and Holly Hunter. I thought Sandra Bullock and that Dillon guy were in this? I kept looking for them but I didn't see them. Makes me wonder why Matt Dillion gets a nod for suporting actor from a film he's barely in, but maybe he gave the Academy a little somethin-somethin'? You know like Heath and Jake did in Brokeback Mountain.
Anyway, Cronenberg has really out done himself this time. Perhaps almost as good as "A History of Violence," which he managed to put out this year as well. Wow! David Cronenberg where do you find the time to dirrect not one, but two movies in the same year and have them both considered for the little gold statuette?
I could go on and on.....what? Not the right Crash?.....This one came out in 1996 you say? But I didn't watch the other one......Who was the idiot who decided to make another movie under the same name?.... Paul Haggis?......You mean like that awful Scottish dish of oats and barley steamed in a sheep’s stomach?......Ok, now you're just fuckin' with my head.
I give it 4 I liked it's out of 5. This Crash not the other one.
Tomorrow: Munich.....don't tell me there's two fuckin' Munichs.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Brokeback Mountain
It’s only fair, since today is hump day, I review Brokeback Mountain. A movie that has come under such scrutiny and parody even at the hands of my own Blog.
This film will probably win the Oscar only because there are so many gay cowboys in Hollywood they can’t possibly lose.
First of all when I saw this movie I noticed there was a lot of sheep. Thousands of them roaming over vast expansive landscapes, which must have the cinematographer for this movie greasing up his thighs to rub an Oscar between them.
There’s also a lot of playing tent going on in this movie between the two main characters...did I mention there was a magnitude of sheep? Je-sus! Far as the eye can see. Sheep, sheep, and more sheep. And not just any sheep. Sheep that for the first time anywhere, weren’t scared to be around lonely Cowboys.
Also have to say I liked the hats. One dark the other light. (Yup no symbolism there.) "Grab your light saber Ennis and come to the dark side." And Ennis? Sounds a little too close to a certain part of the male anatomy if you ask me. But I digress, I liked the hats. Didn't care much for the sheep, but the hats were cool.
You know when I was little I wanted to be a Cowboy......not anymore.
I give this movie 2 I liked its out of 5.
Tomorrow: Crash
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Good Night and Good Luck
Today is the first in a five part exploration of the films nominated for best picture at this year's Oscars.
I must tell you I sat down to watch this movie and when it started I noticed there was something wrong with the theatre's screen. It seemed to be devoid of colour. That’s right the movie was running in black and white. So I went out to bring this to the attention of the powers that be and register my complaint.
When I approached the manager about this gross miscarriage of modern day cinema, he informed me, "Sir the movie was filmed in black and white. There’s nothing we can do."
I told him, if he thought I was going to spend serious cash to come to the theatre and munch on overpriced-popcorn, my movie better be in colour. End of story.
After much bickering, and haggling, refunds were offered, apologies accepted, and discounted coupons were presented.
Since the movie was no longer costing me anything I decided to go back in to watch the film. However, all the talk about over-priced popcorn had made me hungry and I felt a trip to the snack bar was inevitable. Plus I had the coupons.
The line was so frickin’ long, and people were buying so much shit, you’d have sworn only Ethiopians went to movies.
After finally getting my snacks I once again sought out the manager. Between vacuous pulls on the straw in my jumbo sized soda, I lodged my anguish over the wait for sustenance. He again offered up apologies in a subservient manner. Within twenty minutes of his grovelling I was satisfied and on my way back to my seat.
But suddenly, I felt an urgent 911 from a bladder in desperate need of evacuating the 2 litres of diet Sprite that had found it’s way into my system. It was pounding me into submission. I needed relief damn it!
You ever have one of those long pees? Urination that not only allowed you to write your name in the snow, but the names of your entire friend base? (Look, just pretend you have a lot of friends.) It goes on so long in fact, you’d swear someone must have shoved a garden hose up your ass running full force.
Let’s just say, by the time I was finished, so was the movie.
I heard it was pretty good except for the black and white thing.
I give it 3 I liked its out of 5.
Tomorrow: Brokeback Mountain
I must tell you I sat down to watch this movie and when it started I noticed there was something wrong with the theatre's screen. It seemed to be devoid of colour. That’s right the movie was running in black and white. So I went out to bring this to the attention of the powers that be and register my complaint.When I approached the manager about this gross miscarriage of modern day cinema, he informed me, "Sir the movie was filmed in black and white. There’s nothing we can do."
I told him, if he thought I was going to spend serious cash to come to the theatre and munch on overpriced-popcorn, my movie better be in colour. End of story.
After much bickering, and haggling, refunds were offered, apologies accepted, and discounted coupons were presented.
Since the movie was no longer costing me anything I decided to go back in to watch the film. However, all the talk about over-priced popcorn had made me hungry and I felt a trip to the snack bar was inevitable. Plus I had the coupons.
The line was so frickin’ long, and people were buying so much shit, you’d have sworn only Ethiopians went to movies.
After finally getting my snacks I once again sought out the manager. Between vacuous pulls on the straw in my jumbo sized soda, I lodged my anguish over the wait for sustenance. He again offered up apologies in a subservient manner. Within twenty minutes of his grovelling I was satisfied and on my way back to my seat.
But suddenly, I felt an urgent 911 from a bladder in desperate need of evacuating the 2 litres of diet Sprite that had found it’s way into my system. It was pounding me into submission. I needed relief damn it!
You ever have one of those long pees? Urination that not only allowed you to write your name in the snow, but the names of your entire friend base? (Look, just pretend you have a lot of friends.) It goes on so long in fact, you’d swear someone must have shoved a garden hose up your ass running full force.
Let’s just say, by the time I was finished, so was the movie.
I heard it was pretty good except for the black and white thing.
I give it 3 I liked its out of 5.
Tomorrow: Brokeback Mountain
Monday, February 27, 2006
CNM #9
This might even be too dangerous for Chuck Norris....what am I saying? Nothing's too dangerous for Chuck Norris. However, today I have a link for those who are not faint of heart.
Angry wasps vs scrotum. And I'm not talking about White Anglo-Saxon Protestants either, just wasps, as in the flying insect that stings your ass vs the tender area of a man. The major control centre of all a man's poignant thoughts and feelings. A place, that when freshly mowed, is a smooth as a baby's bottom, as aromatic as a spring breeze, and as bulbous as a tumour. That's why it is where it is. So it can be vigilantly guarded. Sheltered by legs on both sides, the anus from behind, and our ever watchful eyes in front.
I guess I couldn’t be more self explanatory than that? Or should it be wasps vs scrota? Is that the plural of scrotum? Scrota? At least OBJ only has one to worry about. It's definitely scrotum for him, or maybe scroti?....Ah who cares. What are you still doing here? Click the link already.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Changes of Olympic proportions
After viewing a very select group of events at this year’s Olympics, usually from a television in a dental office or bank, I feel we need to make some drastic changes to the Olympics before the Gumby Olympics of 2010 on our soil in Vancouver.
So, I scoured the web for ideas and came across a few excellent suggestions the IOC should seriously take into consideration.
1. Bull-fighting on ice: I've never been to a bull fight, but it seems like things are pretty slanted in the bull-fighter's favor. Plus, the matadors always seem so cocky prancing around with mud and dust to rest their feet upon. Well, ice seems like it would even the playing field and make the outcomes much less predictable. And why stop there? With reality television, how about bullfighting with celebrities? Just tell me you wouldn't want to see Paris Hilton get gored, or a tag team of Cory Haim and Gary Coleman cowering together in a corner in their little red jump suits?
2. Stock-car figure skating cage match: I say put all the pairs figure skaters out there at the same time and let them crsah into one another. Just imagine this, but all at the same time. You could even send the speed skaters onto the rink in 30 second intervals. Last one standing wins. Seems fair to me. Now that's some excellent entertainment value my friends. Jesus! Where can I buy my tickets?3. Team snowball fight: I'm not that excited about the World Baseball Classic, but who wouldn't be excited about watching these same baseball teams engage in a huge snowball fight? If you get hit, you're out. Can you imagine what it would feel like to take a snowball in the face from Randy Johnson? To make it more intense, the snowballs could be filled with stones, sharp glass and viles of Bird Flu.
4. Morgan Freeman as the announcer for every event: For example: "And entering the ice rink (pause) the woebegone beast of burden known as Samson (pause). Set to engage in an eternal contest (pause) pitting man against his own fickle and star-befallen footing (pause). Oh what magic (pause) the earth hath wrought."
Hey, if the guy can make me watch Emperor Penguins for two hours.....besides the Olympics is similar to March of the Penguins anyway.....It's a bunch of beings standing around in the cold while someone explains what the hell is going on.
5. Obscene snowman building contest: Finally an Olympic event tailor made for Ron Jeremy. Think about it.
6. 20 man Bobsled: Problem is China is going to win this event hands down with all their acrobats. But it would be a lot of fun to watch all those athletes running with the sled and piling on. We could even add a few obstacles to the run....like in mini golf. "Ooooo and the Swedes just ran into the windmill...that's gonna cost them.
7. People who have never skied before: In order to avoid deaths, this would probably need to be limited to bunny slopes. You'd have to pretty much be an idiot to kill yourself on the bunny slope. Trust me, I know.
8. Snow angel contests in the nude: This is pretty self-explanatory. Although that might necessitate this competition only being shown after 10 p.m.
"She's got a nice form Morgan but you can tell by the nipples it must be extremely cold out there?"
"I agree Tom(pause). The Italian girl's breasts (pause) shapely and inviting (pause) are truly a vision (pause) meant only for Venus herself (pause) to behold."
And let's be honest, after an event such as this, it's only a matter of time until the Porn industry Olympics start up.
9. Cross-country skier sharp shoot: Dick Cheney would have the definite advantage here. You post sharp shooters every 2 km trying to take out the skiers. Really adds an element of danger don't ya think?
10. People racing penguins on the luge: I bet the Mayor would like this one? In March of the Penguins, there were all sorts of shots of penguins sliding down snowy hillsides. This got me wondering: Would a person or penguin win if they raced on the luge? Perhaps this is a question better explored on Chuck Norris Monday, but I'm posing it here. I can see arguments either way and I'd be interested in reader opinions. My feeling is the penguins would win, but surprisingly, I don't have any scientific basis for this opinion. GIGC is more logical about this debate, "You have to go with people," she said. "How would you get the penguins on the luge, with stapples?"
I guess you'd have to have a Penguin tosser.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Sponge bath anyone?
Oh to live on Brokeback Mountain
With the barkers and the coloured balloons
You can't be twenty on Brokeback Mountain
Although you know that you're leaving there too soon....you're leaving there too soon....
Sorry....Sometimes I just burst into spontaneous song....
Hey, still not tired of all the Brokeback parodies out there?
Geesh! You’d think the reality of men having sexual relations with one another was a new concept and subject to ridicule? Not that there's anything wrong with that....the relations, not the ridicule.
It really doesn't take a room full of booze induced Einstein's laying around with pigfat and raisins between their toes while the cat licks it out, to notice this has been going on for eons....the relations, not the pigfat and raisin cat thing, that is.
So for those of you who still feel the need to have a few yuks and guffaws at the expense of penis to bum, I have one more Brokeback link for you.
As long as you promise to be good?......Swear?.....Ok, but this is the last one....
Spongeback Mountain
With the barkers and the coloured balloons
You can't be twenty on Brokeback Mountain
Although you know that you're leaving there too soon....you're leaving there too soon....
Sorry....Sometimes I just burst into spontaneous song....
Hey, still not tired of all the Brokeback parodies out there?
Geesh! You’d think the reality of men having sexual relations with one another was a new concept and subject to ridicule? Not that there's anything wrong with that....the relations, not the ridicule.
It really doesn't take a room full of booze induced Einstein's laying around with pigfat and raisins between their toes while the cat licks it out, to notice this has been going on for eons....the relations, not the pigfat and raisin cat thing, that is.
So for those of you who still feel the need to have a few yuks and guffaws at the expense of penis to bum, I have one more Brokeback link for you.
As long as you promise to be good?......Swear?.....Ok, but this is the last one....
Spongeback Mountain
Friday, February 24, 2006
More bunny business
I usually wait for The Mayor to post these links, but since next week, starting Tuesday, I will be reviewing all the best film nominations for the Oscars, I thought I'd get you warmed up with King Kong done in 30 seconds by bunnies.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Hey lady, I've got your pizza....now here's the pepperoni
You know, I love porn as much as the next guy. However, strange as it may seem, I love it even more when I see a bunch of porn stills. Especially when someone has potoshopped everyday items into the scenes and given them cheesy dialogue.
Wonder what the hell I'm talking about? Then you need to go see for yourself.
Wonder what the hell I'm talking about? Then you need to go see for yourself.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
#$@#^(^%^^$*&)!!!!!!
Having trouble getting over the hump this week? You need to visit the Tourettes Guy.
If coffee didn't spurt out your nose maybe you should just go straight to the source and check out the rest of his vids. Maybe it’s just me? But I pissed myself laughing......clean up in aisle 4!
...and if you didn't like it....YOU CAN JUST GO TO JOLLY PIRATE DONUTS AND TAKE A TWO HOUR SHIT FOR ALL I CARE!
If coffee didn't spurt out your nose maybe you should just go straight to the source and check out the rest of his vids. Maybe it’s just me? But I pissed myself laughing......clean up in aisle 4!
...and if you didn't like it....YOU CAN JUST GO TO JOLLY PIRATE DONUTS AND TAKE A TWO HOUR SHIT FOR ALL I CARE!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Burn baby burn
Seems everyone and their Italian Baker is downloading movies and burning their own copies now.
To that I say, "Why not?" I mean, just look at the spring line up of cheesy sub-par celluloid being unleashed on us over the next few months.
You actually expect me to shell out $25 to sit in a theatre while I have my chair kicked by some maniacal 4 year old Hitler, while I try to ingest $8 dollar popcorn and ask myself, "Who gives a damn if Matthew Perry is the correct answer to- This actor appeared in The Whole Nine yards and it’s sequel with Bruce Willis?"
Just for a minute think of the trash playing at your local cinema and tell me you’re not contemplating running out at this very moment to purchase a burner, if you don’t own one already?
I’d rather be forced to watch a poorly recorded cam version of Nanny McPhee in the comfort of my own home, with some guy coughing and the occasional head of hair like some bizarre fern sticking up in the corner of the screen, than deal with it all in person.
For years we’ve been scammed into buying over priced movies to pay some mid-range actor $20 mil a film. This practice not confined to the theatres, but on VHS, and then DVD. Only to discover, a new "must have," format is coming out, rendering our collections obsolete.
Note to Hollywood: Bend over and take it like a man. This is how we’ve felt for years as you goosed us with the phallic thrust of your own greed. You want my butt in the seat? Make better movies and not crap like, "Final Pink Panther Destination 3".
That is all.
To that I say, "Why not?" I mean, just look at the spring line up of cheesy sub-par celluloid being unleashed on us over the next few months.
You actually expect me to shell out $25 to sit in a theatre while I have my chair kicked by some maniacal 4 year old Hitler, while I try to ingest $8 dollar popcorn and ask myself, "Who gives a damn if Matthew Perry is the correct answer to- This actor appeared in The Whole Nine yards and it’s sequel with Bruce Willis?"
Just for a minute think of the trash playing at your local cinema and tell me you’re not contemplating running out at this very moment to purchase a burner, if you don’t own one already?
I’d rather be forced to watch a poorly recorded cam version of Nanny McPhee in the comfort of my own home, with some guy coughing and the occasional head of hair like some bizarre fern sticking up in the corner of the screen, than deal with it all in person.
For years we’ve been scammed into buying over priced movies to pay some mid-range actor $20 mil a film. This practice not confined to the theatres, but on VHS, and then DVD. Only to discover, a new "must have," format is coming out, rendering our collections obsolete.
Note to Hollywood: Bend over and take it like a man. This is how we’ve felt for years as you goosed us with the phallic thrust of your own greed. You want my butt in the seat? Make better movies and not crap like, "Final Pink Panther Destination 3".
That is all.
Monday, February 20, 2006
CNM #8
Before we get on with today's Chuck Norris Monday, let me first say, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Now, without further delay penis vs vacuum .
I have to tell you they tried this on me once to a much different result. As the Mayor is fond of saying, and usually ends every public speach with, "I lost 10cc's of man yogurt that day."
Can't say my mother was too pleased either, when she cleaned out the bag.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Shut the buck up!
I thought this was pretty funny. It was a link sent to me. I'm posting it to get you through the final day of the week. Or if your week has been a particularly bad one, (brutal comes to mind), you can skip the link and just take the pill.
Brokeback Blogging
Last week I posted a link to take you to a parody of Brokeback Mountain called Brokeback to the Future. Well, now everyone is churning them out like Pez. So, I'm just going to blow my wad and post them all right here, right now. Let you get it out of your system and hope the madness will stop after the Oscars.
Brokeback Dumb and Dumber
Brokeback Gump
The Empire Brokeback
Brokeback Dumb and Dumber
Brokeback Gump
The Empire Brokeback
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Liquor me up
Today I’m simply posting a link for those of you out there interested in building a hard drive out of a Whiskey bottle. I’ve been hounded repeatedly on this subject and I’ve decided to appease the masses by answering all those emails of, "Hey, when yous a gunna put up sumtin good like makin’ a puter out of a whiskey bottle?"
So, this is for you mom.
So, this is for you mom.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Retraction to reaction
Yesterday’s Valentine's Day story of discord between myself and my girl D was a fictitious display of Bloggery. It was meant only as an attempt at creating an entertaining post in the Blog world......Jesus what I go through for you guys.
My girl D, if in fact I had purchased such a unique device as the Blow Bib, would have been the first to yank that baby over my John Thomas and give it a whirl, I assure you. She is undoubtedly the coolest chick I've ever known and I've known quite a few. So there,
In other news the over-bearing Scotsman from the Alexander Keith's beer commercials has been charged with possession of child pornography......ok....this time I'm not making it up. It's true. Apparently he's been using the pride of Nova Scotia for other activities. No need to woner what's underneath this guys kilt. Yet, it's funny, I didn't see his face on the pedo quiz from the other day.....talk amongst yourselves. I'll see you tomorrow.
My girl D, if in fact I had purchased such a unique device as the Blow Bib, would have been the first to yank that baby over my John Thomas and give it a whirl, I assure you. She is undoubtedly the coolest chick I've ever known and I've known quite a few. So there,
In other news the over-bearing Scotsman from the Alexander Keith's beer commercials has been charged with possession of child pornography......ok....this time I'm not making it up. It's true. Apparently he's been using the pride of Nova Scotia for other activities. No need to woner what's underneath this guys kilt. Yet, it's funny, I didn't see his face on the pedo quiz from the other day.....talk amongst yourselves. I'll see you tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Putting words in your mouth, better than your foot
It's here. That dreaded day where you have to do something romantic for the special woman in your life. Except you don't have a romantic bone in your body.....ok, you have one....but other than that you are devoid of anything loving which requires putting words in an intelligible order. You need the love letter generator buddy. It will solve all your problems and perhaps create a few.
You should also give a gift....I don't know...like candy. Chicks like candy on Valentines Day don't they? I would suggest this because it has subliminal properties to expose your ulterior motives.
Oh...oh! Friggen hell! You also need a card. Get what you need here......
.....Wait! Those cards aren't for Valentines Day......at least I tried.
You should also give a gift....I don't know...like candy. Chicks like candy on Valentines Day don't they? I would suggest this because it has subliminal properties to expose your ulterior motives.
Oh...oh! Friggen hell! You also need a card. Get what you need here......
.....Wait! Those cards aren't for Valentines Day......at least I tried.
Minutes turn into sloppy seconds
Within minutes of arising this morning, I dispensed the usual Valentine banter with GIGC, (my girl D), and handed over the well deserved gift of love.
However, her delight was not a vision of perfection. Actually, I would call it more a portrait of hideous rage. She stormed off without even a word of thanks, slamming the door in the process.
Repeated attempts to call her at work have gone unanswered.
I still can’t figure out why she’s not talking to me. I thought it was an appropriate gift. What can I say? I like it sloppy and thought I was helping.
However, her delight was not a vision of perfection. Actually, I would call it more a portrait of hideous rage. She stormed off without even a word of thanks, slamming the door in the process.
Repeated attempts to call her at work have gone unanswered.
I still can’t figure out why she’s not talking to me. I thought it was an appropriate gift. What can I say? I like it sloppy and thought I was helping.
Monday, February 13, 2006
CNM #7
Many artists launch successful comebacks after years out of the limelight. Sadly, or in this case, fortunately, it doesn't always work out for the best. In fact this is probably the last you'll hear about it. You don't have to watch it all. You can stop at any time.
With that in mind I present to you today's Chuck Norris Monday struggle, Hammer vs his comeback. So much for him being 2 legit 2 put out this shit. Did I mention you can stop watching at any time?
But if like me, you get those annoying emodicons on the page, you can actually play along with Hammer...."Say something!"
CNM #7.5
Two CNM's in one day? Is this a bonus or am I just working up to taking the weekend off from Blogging? Both are true.
Today I have the answer to a question you've been asking yourself for years. In a titanic straight-up battle between rubber-bands and crap, who would win?
The response to this, is a mere click away my friends. I can't help but feel Chuck Norris would be proud.
Today I have the answer to a question you've been asking yourself for years. In a titanic straight-up battle between rubber-bands and crap, who would win?
The response to this, is a mere click away my friends. I can't help but feel Chuck Norris would be proud.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Take the Pedo-quiz
Worried about the creepy guy living on your block might have his eyes on your kids? Perhaps you need to bone-up (no pun intended) on how to spot a pedophile.
Valentine's Day massacre of a different kind
Panic! What for? Guys you shouldn’t have your panties in a knot over Valentine’s Day. Forget that.
The best thing you can do for your girl before the 14th is woman proof your room. Then when she’s rifling through your underwear drawer she won’t find those compromising pictures of you with your Ex’s head stuck in your crotch, like a human vacuum, while you beam happily in the self-portrait. Remember what just happened to Richie Sambora?
I understand you couldn’t throw those pictures out because you like to look at them from time to time and pull the goalie, but you can avoid some serious screaming if they happen to fall in to the wrong hands.
Check out the link below. Trust me. This chick knows what she’s talking about. She’s been through more inspections than the anal cavity of a prison inmate.
Woman proof your house.
The best thing you can do for your girl before the 14th is woman proof your room. Then when she’s rifling through your underwear drawer she won’t find those compromising pictures of you with your Ex’s head stuck in your crotch, like a human vacuum, while you beam happily in the self-portrait. Remember what just happened to Richie Sambora?
I understand you couldn’t throw those pictures out because you like to look at them from time to time and pull the goalie, but you can avoid some serious screaming if they happen to fall in to the wrong hands.
Check out the link below. Trust me. This chick knows what she’s talking about. She’s been through more inspections than the anal cavity of a prison inmate.
Woman proof your house.
Puck it all
Ok, so today Team Canada’s hockey contingent are being whisked off to Italy. There still seems to be too much controversy over Gretzky traveling with them. Jesus! Get off it all ready...who cares if the guy placed a few bets even though he said he didn’t. The Olympics are about good will and strong competition between competing nations, not the over-under between San Antonio and Memphis.
Besides, something about The Olympics always seems to bring out the scandal in Canadians anyway. Sale and Pelletier, Big Ben, Ross What’s-his-name the pot-head, The lucky loonie, The ticket scandal of Calgary 88' to name a few.
Just look at some of this shit from past games. Don’t worry in time everyone but Canadians will forgive and forget this one too...remember the New Coke? Hell, most people don’t even know where Canada is on the map anyway.
Besides, something about The Olympics always seems to bring out the scandal in Canadians anyway. Sale and Pelletier, Big Ben, Ross What’s-his-name the pot-head, The lucky loonie, The ticket scandal of Calgary 88' to name a few.
Just look at some of this shit from past games. Don’t worry in time everyone but Canadians will forgive and forget this one too...remember the New Coke? Hell, most people don’t even know where Canada is on the map anyway.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
24! Need I say more?
Hey that rhymes.
So you’re fuckin nuts and pissing crazy over Jack Bauer and 24. In fact, you’re addicted, or maybe even just a dick, or both, but you are still a 24 junkie slave who can’t wait for Monday to get your fix.
If this is the case, I have something for you.....excuse me....I was talking to the junkies....
Right here on this Strange Blog I have not 1, not 2, not 3, but the entire 24. Hold still your trembling vein. All you have to do is click here and the crack high is all yours.
P.S. While you're there, you should bone up on the Oscar nominated films by checking out Brokeback to the Future. Film of the year I tells-ya.
So you’re fuckin nuts and pissing crazy over Jack Bauer and 24. In fact, you’re addicted, or maybe even just a dick, or both, but you are still a 24 junkie slave who can’t wait for Monday to get your fix.
If this is the case, I have something for you.....excuse me....I was talking to the junkies....
Right here on this Strange Blog I have not 1, not 2, not 3, but the entire 24. Hold still your trembling vein. All you have to do is click here and the crack high is all yours.
P.S. While you're there, you should bone up on the Oscar nominated films by checking out Brokeback to the Future. Film of the year I tells-ya.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Getting over the hump
It's hump day and you're already drained. How are you going to finish the week without pulling your God damn hair out?
I have a solution...albeit a weak one, but a solution none the less. Why don't you ask Kevin Federline for advice? Go here. Type in your concerns and K-Fed will help you with all your problems. There, wasn't that easy?
I have a solution...albeit a weak one, but a solution none the less. Why don't you ask Kevin Federline for advice? Go here. Type in your concerns and K-Fed will help you with all your problems. There, wasn't that easy?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
It doesn't ad up
Every year I look forward to seeing the inventive often hilarious Super Bowl commercials. I wait for them like a child does Christmas morning, anticipating the moment he can rip the presents to shreds. I salivate like I do when the panties are removed in an invitation to wet sweet pink. In other words....Yes, I like my SB ads more than a smidgen.
I was watching a Canadian feed of the Super Bowl on Sunday which means I didn’t get to see all the cool Super Bowl commercials. Hell I didn’t even get to see The Stones at half-time. Instead they had some wrinkly old guys performing and as for the ads....they sucked big-time. True that!
One of the first things I did when I got home was hop on the computer and take a look at all the commercials I’d missed. I’ll tell you my reader, Wowwwwww! They sucked ass too. Outside of a few interesting ideas and soft chuckles, I thought this was the most colossal waste of money on advertising I’d ever seen.
They’re here if you want to check them out, but chances are, you’ll agree.....they suck!
I was watching a Canadian feed of the Super Bowl on Sunday which means I didn’t get to see all the cool Super Bowl commercials. Hell I didn’t even get to see The Stones at half-time. Instead they had some wrinkly old guys performing and as for the ads....they sucked big-time. True that!
One of the first things I did when I got home was hop on the computer and take a look at all the commercials I’d missed. I’ll tell you my reader, Wowwwwww! They sucked ass too. Outside of a few interesting ideas and soft chuckles, I thought this was the most colossal waste of money on advertising I’d ever seen.
They’re here if you want to check them out, but chances are, you’ll agree.....they suck!
Monday, February 06, 2006
Super not so super
I don’t want to hear it. I’m well aware I didn’t Blog on the weekend. Maybe I even cost you a few seconds of precious time as you stopped by to read some new babble? Except there wasn’t any.
I’m not great at multitasking and I had to take care of the security for the Mayor’s big Super Bowl party this weekend. The Mayor demands perfection and I needed to focus all my attention on the smallest of details for the event. Then the bastard doesn’t even show up.
Shhhh! Don’t tell him I said that. I need the raise he promised in March.
Anyway, the weekend festivities were also a chance to wine and dine Sir Robert of Stone, a passing dignitary, who was breezing through Mitchieville on his world-wind tour of municipalities in the GTA.
As for the Super Bowl? It was anything but super with the way I rolled. I think I only nailed 1 strike all night. In fact my highest score was a measly, embarrassing 86.....what? There was a football game this weekend as well? In Detroit? OMG the Steelers and the Seahawks....how could I forget?
I’m so fired.
I’m not great at multitasking and I had to take care of the security for the Mayor’s big Super Bowl party this weekend. The Mayor demands perfection and I needed to focus all my attention on the smallest of details for the event. Then the bastard doesn’t even show up.
Shhhh! Don’t tell him I said that. I need the raise he promised in March.
Anyway, the weekend festivities were also a chance to wine and dine Sir Robert of Stone, a passing dignitary, who was breezing through Mitchieville on his world-wind tour of municipalities in the GTA.
As for the Super Bowl? It was anything but super with the way I rolled. I think I only nailed 1 strike all night. In fact my highest score was a measly, embarrassing 86.....what? There was a football game this weekend as well? In Detroit? OMG the Steelers and the Seahawks....how could I forget?
I’m so fired.
CNM #6
I called it. Pittsburgh to win. Although it was by more than my 3 point prediction. Somehow I don’t think the Seahawks would have pulled it out unless they had Chuck Norris to stop Hines, (the ketchup guy), Ward with a roundhouse kick to the solar plexis.
Say what you want, but it’s a nice segue into today’s Chuck Norris Monday .... Motorcycle vs Car which could also be construed as Seattle vs Steelers if you're looking for symbolism.
Friday, February 03, 2006
It's all fun and games until someone loses a fly
I opened up Strangedaze to Blog and stared at the blank page for a while. It all seemed so tedious , so mundane, so....blah.
I wanted to post something different. Get away from the daily spew of venom with the underlying sexual overtones.
Then I thought if only I had a link....oh I don't know....with Asian guys who trained bugs to spin tiny balls....now that would be cool....naw probably a million links out there of that?
But if I could find a link where one of the guys over-reacts at the beginning maybe I would reconsider. If memory serves me, I think I saw something like it here.
I wanted to post something different. Get away from the daily spew of venom with the underlying sexual overtones.
Then I thought if only I had a link....oh I don't know....with Asian guys who trained bugs to spin tiny balls....now that would be cool....naw probably a million links out there of that?
But if I could find a link where one of the guys over-reacts at the beginning maybe I would reconsider. If memory serves me, I think I saw something like it here.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Groundhogging the headlines
WIARTON, Ont. (CP) - Wiarton Willie, Canada's best-known four-legged forecaster, is predicting an early end to winter. 
So a rodent says short winter....big deal....I can stick a finger up my own ass and tell you my body temperature, and who will win the Super Bowl. Do you hear me getting any accolades?......Oh yeah...Steelers by 3.
The pudgy white woodchuck failed to see his shadow on Groundhog Day in the central Ontario town. Shubenacadie Sam, Nova Scotia's most famous weather-forecasting rodent, also predicted an early spring.
Wait a fuckin' minute there Cochise....Shubenacadie Sam? Who the fuck is that? It used to be just Phil and Willie now they’re adding another groundhog to the mix. What’s next? Pawdash Pete, Aberfoyle Andy, Mitchieville Mel, Baghdad Billy? And where are all the chick groundhogs anyway? Fuck, no wonder they sleep all God damn winter.
But a unanimous groundhog verdict was prevented when Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania saw his shadow.
That wasn't Phil's shadow, it was the gloom cast by George Bush. No wonder the poor groundhog scurried back into his hole. I'll bet they probably tried to dress him in one of those tiny, little, "Support our troops," T-shirts.
Folklore has it that if a groundhog sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, he'll flee to his burrow, heralding six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, it means an early spring.
I’m surprised Ol Wiarton Willie didn’t stick his head out into this unusually mild winter weather we've been having, and predict we’re all going to die soon from global warming.
The origins of the tradition aren't clear, but it's likely related to the fact that Groundhog Day falls midway between the start of winter and the beginning of spring.
Some say it started with Candlemas, a Christian custom named for the lighting candles during the Feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary. According to an old Scottish couplet: "If Candlemas Day is bright and clear, there'll be two winters in the year."
Ok, there's your first mistake...listening to a Scottish couplet. Did you not see the link on the Mayor's Blog? Who the hell understands Scottish anything? I don't and I was raised by Scotts. I never knew if I was being praised or scolded, it all ended with the same punch in the nose.
Anyway the whole sordid tale of groundhogs in captivity can be read here.
So a rodent says short winter....big deal....I can stick a finger up my own ass and tell you my body temperature, and who will win the Super Bowl. Do you hear me getting any accolades?......Oh yeah...Steelers by 3.
The pudgy white woodchuck failed to see his shadow on Groundhog Day in the central Ontario town. Shubenacadie Sam, Nova Scotia's most famous weather-forecasting rodent, also predicted an early spring.
Wait a fuckin' minute there Cochise....Shubenacadie Sam? Who the fuck is that? It used to be just Phil and Willie now they’re adding another groundhog to the mix. What’s next? Pawdash Pete, Aberfoyle Andy, Mitchieville Mel, Baghdad Billy? And where are all the chick groundhogs anyway? Fuck, no wonder they sleep all God damn winter.
But a unanimous groundhog verdict was prevented when Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania saw his shadow.
That wasn't Phil's shadow, it was the gloom cast by George Bush. No wonder the poor groundhog scurried back into his hole. I'll bet they probably tried to dress him in one of those tiny, little, "Support our troops," T-shirts.
Folklore has it that if a groundhog sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, he'll flee to his burrow, heralding six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, it means an early spring.
I’m surprised Ol Wiarton Willie didn’t stick his head out into this unusually mild winter weather we've been having, and predict we’re all going to die soon from global warming.
The origins of the tradition aren't clear, but it's likely related to the fact that Groundhog Day falls midway between the start of winter and the beginning of spring.
Some say it started with Candlemas, a Christian custom named for the lighting candles during the Feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary. According to an old Scottish couplet: "If Candlemas Day is bright and clear, there'll be two winters in the year."
Ok, there's your first mistake...listening to a Scottish couplet. Did you not see the link on the Mayor's Blog? Who the hell understands Scottish anything? I don't and I was raised by Scotts. I never knew if I was being praised or scolded, it all ended with the same punch in the nose.
Anyway the whole sordid tale of groundhogs in captivity can be read here.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Giving your man the VD gift
I'm not talking about STD's, I'm talking about Valentine’s Day. It is on the horizon. Actually we’ve been reminded of it for about a month now.
I think the first fuzzy hearts started to wink at me from store front window displays after the New Year.
What to get someone special in your life on this day I have no clue. Mainly because like ever other male on the planet I find it incredibly draining to try and figure women out. In a nut shell, I believe women need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved. With this in mind I’m not going to toil on options for the lady of your life at this moment. It’s too complex, but girls you’re in luck. There is one gift that never fails to please your man and it’s all explained at this link.
I think the first fuzzy hearts started to wink at me from store front window displays after the New Year.
What to get someone special in your life on this day I have no clue. Mainly because like ever other male on the planet I find it incredibly draining to try and figure women out. In a nut shell, I believe women need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved. With this in mind I’m not going to toil on options for the lady of your life at this moment. It’s too complex, but girls you’re in luck. There is one gift that never fails to please your man and it’s all explained at this link.
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