Friday, May 30, 2008

Box office draw to the box office

In a blockbuster battle that divides the nation neatly along gender lines, the eagerly awaited Sex in the City is attempting to steal the crown – or rather battered fedora – from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the best-selling new release of the year so far, on its opening weekend.

Choices....choices.....sit in a theatre watching some septuagenarian or next to a plethora of giggling vaginas.

Many critics have given Sex and the City lukewarm reviews, with some complaining that, at two and a half hours, it is 30 minutes too long.

I would have expected that to be, two hours longer then it should have been.

In some quarters, Sex and the City's failure to attract anyone but women and gay males to cinemas represents a social malaise. "For reasons that seem symptomatic of a much deeper problem, Sex and the City seems to have become the movie that no man wants to see or at least admit to wanting to see," said Carina Chocano, film critic of the LA Times.

I'll tell you the closest I'll get to this movie is downloading the anal extravaganza "Sex in the Shitty".

No happy feet for Penguins

The Detroit Red Wings wrecked the Pittsburgh Penguins' home-ice advantage and gave themselves a shot to hoist the Stanley Cup in Hockeytown.

Jiri Hudler snapped a third-period tie for the Red Wings, who rallied from an early deficit to beat the Penguins 2-1 Saturday night and grab a 3-1 lead in the finals.

Detroit will get the first of three potential chances to win the Cup back home in Game 5 on Monday night.

Does anyone really care?......Let's look at the picture again. BTW shouldn't it be two girls one cup?

Nyet results

More than 300 Russian servicemen committed suicide last year, despite higher spending and reforms to try to improve army conditions and equipment, the country's chief military prosecutor has said.

Rights groups and some former commanders say the high rate of suicides in the Russian army is caused by a culture of violence and negligence by officers. Hazing, when conscripts are bullied by older soldiers, is rampant and tens of thousands of young men try every year to avoid the compulsory draft.

And it's only going to get worse. I hear they've made watching the Sex in the City movie mandatory.

Summer Olympics give me that spring feeling

Double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius won his appeal to compete for a place in the Beijing Olympics.

The Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled that the 21-year-old South African is eligible to race against able-bodied athletes, overturning a ban imposed by the International Association of Athletics Federations.

I wonder if this hasn't started thing you know they'll be allowing....oh I don't know......little teeny, tiny, body builders and new mothers with their babies to compete.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Dad's desert island collection #20

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Matrix Guy

With the new Blockbuster movie going season already in full swing, it's time to turn our attention to the celluloid projects that for what ever reason didn't cut the mustard, spawn up stream, bang the dead hooker, or another witty analogy you'd like to insert. Here now, is one such reject.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Saturday, May 24, 2008

And you thought last week was bad

Pig on the lam

Maine's Colby College is having trouble nabbing a pig that's been on the lam on campus for a week.

Spokesman Steve Collins said the "free-range pig" is believed to be a Vietnamese potbellied pig, a type that's become popular as pets.

Collins said the pig has been on the lam since it slipped its leash during a campus cookout. The pig, it should be noted, was not on the menu.

Next week Lamb is a real pig.

What can brown do for you?

A shipment of marijuana from California led to the arrest of a man on drug and gun charges yesterday after he accepted a package at his doorstep from an undercover officer disguised as a UPS delivery person.

Members of the police street narcotics enforcement unit seized a 9 mm Ruger handgun and ammunition kept in a bedroom closet safe after searching the man's home.

I tried that once with Asian hookers....same story.

Bubbling up and over

Picture the Manhattan skyline filled with Nike swooshes. Or the golden arches of McDonald's gently drifting over Los Angeles.

A special-effects entrepreneur from Alabama has come up with a way to fill the sky with foamy clouds as big as 4 feet across and shaped like corporate logos – Flogos, as he calls them.

Francisco Guerra, who's also a former magician, developed a machine that produces tiny bubbles filled with air and a little helium. It forms the foam into shapes and pumps them into the sky.

The Walt Disney Co. will use one of the machines next month to send clouds shaped like Mickey Mouse heads into the air at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Fla., Guerra said.

Sounds like a nightmare I had recently. No wait! Those were Hillary Clinton floating heads.

Horton's hears a hoopla

The latest hiccup for the coffee giant came this week when a downtown Toronto businesswoman said she was scolded by an employee at the King and Victoria Sts. franchise for buying a homeless woman breakfast.

Teresa Lee reportedly saw the pregnant woman being shooed away from a King St. grate by a police officer before offering to buy her breakfast Wednesday morning.

Once inside, the investment manager was reportedly reamed out by an employee for allowing the woman to eat inside.

The ordeal comes just two weeks after single mom Nicole Lilliman lost her Tim Hortons job in London for giving a free Timbit to a customer's child.

After two public relations nightmares in as many weeks, Tim Hortons says it has no plans to change the way it does business.

However, they will be introducing the new Extra Large "Fuck You" Ice Cap for drive thru customers. Can I get butterscotch dribble on that?

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Dad's desert island collection #19

Friday, May 23, 2008

All I can say is "I'm sorry"

Sorry because I'm going to ask you to play......
Six degrees of Paris Hilton's vagina

And then I'm going to ask for a donation....

Like I said...."Sorry"

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Keep It Simple Stupid

As the weekend approaches, perhaps you feel a little down- I know I do- and in need of a pick-me-up. For me, music is the key, especially when it's the music of Kiss Astley. So, if you're the same you're in luck. If not.....tough shit. Although I probably have you wondering with the Kiss Astley comment........

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

It was a weak week anyway

Had to say this whole May 24 on the weekend of the 17th really screwed me over. So much so, I actually missed the news and reviews segment this week.

However, in actuality you didn't miss much- Paris was in London promoting her new fragrance......unless it smells like someone just uncorked a bottle of fuck who would be interested?

Ellen DeGeneres told viewers she's getting married....we already know she munches rug, so what's the big whoop?

Queen Victoria was born a shit-load of yeas ago....Swell. Just pop the fireworks already.

And that sums up a rather mundane week with three weak stories.

So instead, as not to deprive you of controversy and comment, I present the three most offensive jokes I heard over the weekend.

Offensive joke #1

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Answer: Def Leppard.

Offensive joke #2

What's the best thing about sex with twenty-nine year-olds?

Answer: There's twenty of them.

Offensive joke # 3

How do you make a five year-old cry twice?

Answer: Wipe yourself off on her teddy bear when you're done.

Hey! I'm just the messenger.

Cross posted on Mitchieville.

Pottahawk Piss-up T-shirts

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dad's desert island collection #18

Yesssss Sir!!! You are correct oh Great One!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

They sure didn't make stuff like this for dogs when I was a kid

The Dogone Doggy Thong

Not only does the Dogone Doggy Thong accentuate your canine's ample buttockal curvatures, but it actually has a practical usage (not that the first one isn't practical, dogs like to get attention at the beach, too). The thong is made of a charcoal cloth that is designed to neutralize any of your dog's anally-emitted odors. In other words, it's a magical diaper that captures dog farts and transforms them into non-hazardous air again.

One thing that is not for certain is whether or not it comes packaged with a doggy tramp-stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity for making out with drunken frat boys.

What? No Pottahawk slogan?

Swarovski Dog Dresses

If you're filthy rich you may already be accustomed to the spirit-lifting practice of declaring, "Fuck the poor!"

But what about your pet? Seeing as they can't speak, it's your responsibility to show the world just what your pet thinks about the underprivileged by forcing them to wear a $3,000 crystal-studded dress.

Products like this can only lead to trouble with your dog. I'm talking, smoking, drinking, gambling, violence, and yes,.....RAPE!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Monday, May 12, 2008

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Happy Mudder's Day!

Here are some links for all you mudders out there.

Happy Mudder's Day!

Mutha's Day Out

And who doesn't remember the TV series Aladdin?

Get em while they're hot.

I guess the previous link must be for the Mudder's Day race?

Mudder's milk

Mother's Day?.....well that's something different altogether, but these links use words like "Bombdiggity" and stuff.

Now I got nothin'. I hope you're happy?.....Damn Maritimers!


And that doesn't include the sex

If mothers were paid for cooking, cleaning and caring for their families they could easily earn a six-figure salary, according to new calculations.

After asking 18,000 mothers to list their most common tasks such a cooking, cleaning and childcare, a salary compensation company determined the value of their job functions to calculate what they could earn if they were paid.

In Canada the 10 most popular jobs performed by a stay-at-home mother would equate to a C$125,000 ($124,280) salary, including overtime, and almost $75,000 for a working mother, in addition to her real salary.

I hope GIGC doesn't read this, or I'm in deep shit.

If only we knew back in WW2

BERLIN (AP) - A trio of packaged pythons has caused a scare at a German post office. Police in Darmstadt say the snakes were stuffed into a parcel that was handed in for mailing to eastern Germany. It contained two tiger pythons and an albino tiger python of more than 3 feet in length.

A post office worker noticed one of the reptiles on Thursday afternoon after it apparently bit through the package. Colleagues caught the snake and put it in an empty box. Police said Friday that officers then recovered two more snakes from the damaged parcel.

You know, I had a similar incident happen to me when I was in Germany, but it turned out my pants were just too tight.

That really bites

An elderly British woman said she is glad the truth is out since she was found innocent of biting off her neighbor's finger during a spat about flowers.

Pamela Fox, 66, was accused of biting off the finger of neighbor Marija, Four-Fingers, Andric, 51, in a fit of rage concerning her garden, the Daily Telegraph reported Thursday.

Andric said Fox banged on her door and accused her of ruining flowers along the border separating their Maidenhead, England, homes before biting off her finger and running away.

Man.....Don't mess with them Mudders.


Three teenagers were arrested after two of them told police they dug up a secluded grave north of Houston, removed the skull from the coffin and converted it into a marijuana bong.

Were they already high or something?

Police found a grave in the city of Humble that had been disturbed, but were still investigating the rest of the teens' story, Houston police Sgt. John Chomiak said.

Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, were arrested Wednesday night and were being held on misdemeanor charges of abuse of a corpse, Chomiak said.

I guess there's new meaning for getting a boner.

So that's where the echo has been coming from

It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman - she's pregnant with her 18th child.

Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.

Her vagina is loving referred to as "Stretch Armstrong" by her husband I'll bet.

Cross-posted on Mitchieville

Dad's desert island collection #17

Friday, May 09, 2008

Your Fridays are also numbered

The 50 greatest commercial parodies. Mostly SNL stuff.

The 50 funniest movie scenes ever. Don't know if I agree with the order and certainly several of the movies noted had several equally funny scenes.

50 ways to leave your lover. Sorry. I couldn't resist.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Thursday by the numbers

Personally I think there's a theme running through today's links, but you be the judge.

15 myths about beer.

5 reasons why guys who drink shouldn't invent shit.

10 vids of white guys dancing

Top 10 oddball Jesus sightings.

And if you still have any energy are 101 versions of Stairway to Heaven.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

They sure didn't make stuff like this for dogs when I was a kid

Gregg Miller is a man with a vision. Sadly, his vision is focused on your pet's testicles or, rather, the lack thereof.

A self professed "neurotic pet owner," Gregg is credited with the creation of the animal kingdom's answer to 44 DD's. Yes, the man invented testicular implants for neutered pets, the sick bastard.

After some research I discovered that humans can get Neuticle implants as well. Strictly for comedic purposes, we decided to find out just what kind of testicles I ... uh ... someone can have slapped in our ... uh ... their scrotum. I think the 2.75-inch Neuticles UltraPlus (with realistic firmness!) will look wonderful in my ... your ...

Ah, fuck it. I'm not ashamed to admit that huge balls and no baby-making juice sounds like a win-win to me.

Wonder if I should give One Ball Joe a call?

Beer for dogs.

Wait, let's say that again ... beer ... for ... dogs. Yup, still stupid.

Happy Tail Ale seems to be for pet owners that have taken alcoholism to such an extreme that the only drinking buddy they can find just so happens to be of the non-human variety. But maybe we're wrong. Maybe it's for the man that is so manly that he needs beef-flavored beer to accompany his beef-flavored beef.

Perhaps your neutered buddy is just depressed from you not getting him the neuticals he so richly deserves, you cheap bastard, and needs to drink himself into a drunken stupor with his alcoholic beef.

I wonder, If they can make beef-flavored beer for dogs, could they not make vagina flavoured beer?

What would you call a beer for pussies anyway? Oh yeah Coors lite.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Guide to being pregnant #1

A short while back I presented tips for the new parent on the dos and don'ts of raising your baby.

However, some of you said, "Strange I don't yet have a child. In fact, it's on back order and won't be here for a few more months."

If you meant to say, your wife or significant vessel is preggers and not yet popped, then I can help.

Here are a series of tips for the pregnant mother to be:

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Pottahawk Piss-up T-shirts for 2008

Clemens denys putting rocket into 15 year-old

You might have thought Roger Clemens would have done just about everything he could possibly do to destroy his reputation over the last few months. Showing up in the Mitchell Reporter, crashing and burning in his last start as a Yankee, looking like a fool in front of Congress. What could be worse than all that? Oh, I dunno ... how about ... starting a 10-year affair with a 15-year-old country music singer?

She sure is purdy.....What, did Clemens hit her with a fast ball? Take first base baby.

Mindy McCready is a country singer who sang "Guys Do It All the Time," which was apparently some sort of country hit. Anyway, she's had a ton of personal problems in the last few years; this photo was taken she was arrested after a fight with her mom. She had a OxyContin addiction, once stole a truck and forced the driver to act as a hostage and tried to kill herself at least twice. It's the type of thing that might result from starting to date Roger Clemens when you were 15.

However, it's also the stuff great country singles are made of.

The New York Daily News has Clemens' denial, but minces few words.

Obviously, Clemens believes in the theory that if there's grass on the field, play ball.

Mike's Hard on the minor

A couple temporarily lost custody of their son after the father accidentally bought him an alcoholic lemonade drink at a baseball game.

This isn't about Roger Clemens again is it?

When Christopher Ratte bought his son Leo, 7, lemonade at a Detroit Tigers game, he did not expect to face an accusation of negligence and lose his son to foster care.

Ratte, a professor of archaeology at the University of Michigan, purchased a beer for himself and a bottle of lemonade for his son, not realizing that the lemonade was actually Mike’s Hard Lemonade, an alcoholic beverage.

Those professor fellers sure am smrt.

Iran ban on Barbie

The Iranian government's recent ban on Barbie dolls shows the government's desire to move away from the West. The blonde bombshell was added to the growing list of Western things Iran has banned. General, Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi, expressed his desire to protect Iran's "Islamic culture".

What's next? Ironman? Grand Theft Auto IV? This madness must end!

Cheque this out

A North Texas man- who was not Roger Clemens- was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious.

Perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off?

Friday was: International Tuba Day

The first Friday in May is a day to appreciate all things related to tubas.

Does that include a tuba toothpaste?

Seven things the average guy will do this weekend.

Play GTA IV For 40 Hours without sleeping or showering.

Build a working suit out of metal and fight crime as a tribute to the Iron Man movie.

Get pulled over by the police for driving erratically because you've been playing GTA IV.

Try and pick up some ladies. Unfortunately, girls don't go for a guy who smells like dirty cheese, is wearing a suit made of metal and is carrying a tuba. That's OK they were only 15 anyway.

Drink yourself into a haze after realizing that you have wasted so much time crafting your suit of armor.

Grab some Arby's, because secretly, everyone is thinking Arby's.

Shower and get some sleep because you smell terrible and look like garbage after playing GTA IV for 40 hours.

Cross posted on Mitchieville.

Dad's desert island collection #16

Friday, May 02, 2008

They sure didn't make stuff like this for dogs when I was a kid

Back in the day, dogs were good for two things: beating and eating....hey! Don't you judge me.

All right they were excellent for chasing those bastard door-to-door sales dudes too, but now.......Here comes the Turd Burglar.

As you can see, The Turd Burglar is a small scoop that, when placed over a hockey stick, allows you to fling piles of dog shit at anyone or anything.

Right off the bat, no one in Canada needs this product.

At the Turd Burglar website there is a frighteningly detailed step-by-step guide on the usage of the device. Here's my favorite step:

"8) A more open stance and higher finish will result in a throw of greater distance, but less control. Remember; high sticking can equate to high stinking from falling debris."

What a great idea. You know....GIGC and I have a B.B.Q. coming up, or we could take it camping. It doesn't have to be dog shit does it?

I'm not sure who came up with this idea but somewhere in the world--probably Oshawa--there resides a former pee-wee hockey player who was forced to quit the game due to what can only be described as earth-shattering retardation. He is now an inventor.

Either that, or this is somehow only the first in a long line of primate-engineered tactical assault weapons to be used in the great ape uprising of 2029.

In the end, who really cares? He shoots, you score!

This aerosol can of some kind of cold spray was created for those moments in life when your pet lets you know just what he thinks of your new carpet by fire hosing liquid feces all over it. The website description states: "Spray ... Wait 10 seconds ... and a white crusty film solidifies the waste."

Now, it may just be the wording that makes it sound disgusting but having a "White crusty film" materialize over a freshly evacuated mound of shit doesn't immediately pop out at me as anything better then the initial mound of shit.

But, as the testimonials page assures you, " ... it's makes this chore fun (but don't tell my mom that)."

Sure, Kaitlyn A., from Harpers Ferry, WV, I won't tell your mom that you enjoy collecting freeze-dried shit pancakes. I'll let her find out five years from now, after stumbles across your poop fetish website, or finds then buried in you underwear drawer next to your multi colored dildos, fur covered handcuffs and pictures of Ben Affleck.

Frozen fecal remnants indeed!

Wait a frickin' minute! They freeze hockey pucks right?

Perhaps in conjunction with the Turd Burglar?........Fuck, I'm running right out and getting myself a dog. If I get bored I can always let him loose on the the door-to-door guys. "Aerate this buddy!".......Oh and then there's always the beating and the eating.

It's a win, win.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Dildo cam anyone?

You don't have one? Never fear go to the link and the instructions are there to make your very own ham-slammin'-cam.

I wonder if you could hook this baby up to the Blackberry? Check and see what the wife's up to while you're away.