Changes of Olympic proportions

After viewing a very select group of events at this year’s Olympics, usually from a television in a dental office or bank, I feel we need to make some drastic changes to the Olympics before the Gumby Olympics of 2010 on our soil in Vancouver.

So, I scoured the web for ideas and came across a few excellent suggestions the IOC should seriously take into consideration.

1. Bull-fighting on ice: I've never been to a bull fight, but it seems like things are pretty slanted in the bull-fighter's favor. Plus, the matadors always seem so cocky prancing around with mud and dust to rest their feet upon. Well, ice seems like it would even the playing field and make the outcomes much less predictable. And why stop there? With reality television, how about bullfighting with celebrities? Just tell me you wouldn't want to see Paris Hilton get gored, or a tag team of Cory Haim and Gary Coleman cowering together in a corner in their little red jump suits?

2. Stock-car figure skating cage match: I say put all the pairs figure skaters out there at the same time and let them crsah into one another. Just imagine this, but all at the same time. You could even send the speed skaters onto the rink in 30 second intervals. Last one standing wins. Seems fair to me. Now that's some excellent entertainment value my friends. Jesus! Where can I buy my tickets?

3. Team snowball fight: I'm not that excited about the World Baseball Classic, but who wouldn't be excited about watching these same baseball teams engage in a huge snowball fight? If you get hit, you're out. Can you imagine what it would feel like to take a snowball in the face from Randy Johnson? To make it more intense, the snowballs could be filled with stones, sharp glass and viles of Bird Flu.

4. Morgan Freeman as the announcer for every event: For example: "And entering the ice rink (pause) the woebegone beast of burden known as Samson (pause). Set to engage in an eternal contest (pause) pitting man against his own fickle and star-befallen footing (pause). Oh what magic (pause) the earth hath wrought."
Hey, if the guy can make me watch Emperor Penguins for two hours.....besides the Olympics is similar to March of the Penguins anyway.....It's a bunch of beings standing around in the cold while someone explains what the hell is going on.

5. Obscene snowman building contest: Finally an Olympic event tailor made for Ron Jeremy. Think about it.

6. 20 man Bobsled: Problem is China is going to win this event hands down with all their acrobats. But it would be a lot of fun to watch all those athletes running with the sled and piling on. We could even add a few obstacles to the run....like in mini golf. "Ooooo and the Swedes just ran into the windmill...that's gonna cost them.

7. People who have never skied before: In order to avoid deaths, this would probably need to be limited to bunny slopes. You'd have to pretty much be an idiot to kill yourself on the bunny slope. Trust me, I know.

8. Snow angel contests in the nude: This is pretty self-explanatory. Although that might necessitate this competition only being shown after 10 p.m.

"She's got a nice form Morgan but you can tell by the nipples it must be extremely cold out there?"

"I agree Tom(pause). The Italian girl's breasts (pause) shapely and inviting (pause) are truly a vision (pause) meant only for Venus herself (pause) to behold."

And let's be honest, after an event such as this, it's only a matter of time until the Porn industry Olympics start up.

9. Cross-country skier sharp shoot: Dick Cheney would have the definite advantage here. You post sharp shooters every 2 km trying to take out the skiers. Really adds an element of danger don't ya think?


10. People racing penguins on the luge: I bet the Mayor would like this one? In March of the Penguins, there were all sorts of shots of penguins sliding down snowy hillsides. This got me wondering: Would a person or penguin win if they raced on the luge? Perhaps this is a question better explored on Chuck Norris Monday, but I'm posing it here. I can see arguments either way and I'd be interested in reader opinions. My feeling is the penguins would win, but surprisingly, I don't have any scientific basis for this opinion. GIGC is more logical about this debate, "You have to go with people," she said. "How would you get the penguins on the luge, with stapples?"

I guess you'd have to have a Penguin tosser.