Saturday, April 30, 2005

A weak week

You know when the best news that you can come up with is that your friend Dickie Sanchez is turning forty this week you’re in trouble. But that’s all I got people. Oh, there are a few other incidents that rate mention such as: You know Benifer, and Bradjolina, now meet Tomatie, as in Tom Cruise is now dating Katie Holmes (Yawn). You know what? Fuck the link.

Dateline- South-west Bumfuck: There was a guy this week, who went to a Burger King drive thru to get some fries. When informed that BK had run out, the guy went ballistic and tried to run down several employees as they exited the building. The police were called and the yokel was taken into custody, but not before he kicked out the back window of the cruiser.

He’s been charged, fined, and is spending a pleasant 45 days in jail for his conduct. All over frickin’ french fries. Good thing they didn’t tell him they’d also run out of ketchup.

Dateline- Hamburg, Germany: Toads are mysteriously exploding . The carnage is somewhat akin to a John Carpenter film. There are guts everywhere, in the parks, in the streets, even on the Straussengarterdenflinglingenstrussen. It's bad. Go here if you think I'm on acid.

Dateline- North-east Bumfuck: A survey released this week stated that couch-potatoes who watch their favorite players in things such as golf, or basketball, can learn to implement some of their heros moves just by viewing. I find it hard to believe, that 250 lb Bubba, with cheese and gravy stains on his wife-beater, would be able to make that last minute jump-shot from outside the line. But who am I to judge? Hey, I wonder if they conducted the same experiment while watching porn? Perhaps I can learn to cum like Peter North?

Dateline- Some freaky-deeky Dutch country: Probably the same scientists from the TV thing, released a study that found sperm was mutating and becoming ineffective at regenerating the female of the species. This was concluded, given the record number of boys now being born. Since there are currently 33 million more women on this planet I’d say I’m good. Not that I have to worry anyway. I’ve been seedless with 2% less pulp for 3 years now.

Dateline- Los Angeles: Is it just me, or does Debbie Rowe look alot like Ian Faith, the manager of Spinal Tap?

People sell the darndest things

This all started with the announcement that those crazy, bad-toothed Brits were going to show all six Star Wars movies back to back. What is this a Lord of the Rings fest? Even the running time of all six in a row can’t top the director’s cuts of the three LOTR films. Then I heard about this convention in Indianapolis or Indiana or Cleveland. You know some place you’d only stop in if you had your tires shot out from under you. All the hub-bub was over George Lucas actually showing up for the first time in 20 years to promote Episode III.

So I wondered what other kooky stuff those Star Wars fanatics were up to and I came across this ebay item. Strange as that may seem I don’t believe it leads the parade of insanity in the sellers market place. Just check out this other crap.

Let me know which item you take with you to a deserted island...if you had to choose one.




Feeling gamey?

I suppose you’re getting used to me putting some mindless game up on saturdays just so you can sit in the comfort of your computer and say, "That was mindless." Well, you need to get out and get some exercise. You can still do this and play the game at the same time. Here the link will explain. It’s called the Walmart game.

Life is animation

In honor of the new Family Guy episodes that air tomorrow night, I thought I’d grace the Blogger with a little animation. It’s another composition by that guy, that did those things. You remember, he made you laugh like hell, you might have even pissed yourself...just a little. Yeah!
That guy. I knew you'd recall. Say, did you ever get the stain out?

Drumroll please....

Six hits! That’s it! You cheap bastards. Come on, a man’s scrotum is on the line here. You have to do better. Click that link! Send the Mayor your love. In the meantime, issues 5 & 6 of the coloring book are now out. If you haven’t gone to take a look, I strongly suggest you go now....after you pledge!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Pledge drive on target

The Mitchieville pledge drive to accumulate the hits needed, to get the Mayor a Doc Martin in the Johnson, is heating up. Everyone is helping out including the Mayor’s opponent in the mayoral campaign, Jerry Casby. When reached for comment Casby stated, "He’s kicking my balls at the polls so I might as well return the favor. That mother f**ker!" He promptly devoted a staff of two, to continuously surf the Mitchieville Blog and pad the numbers.

The campaign for re-election is reaching the critical stages and has left the Mayor haggard. Even little Hannah Taylor, spokes person for the Lady Bug Foundation for the Homeless has promised her support as she mistakenly took the Mayor for a homeless guy.
The phone lines are now open and Jerry Lewis has graciously stepped in to host this weekend’s festivities. Together we can make this happen. How often do you get to kick a politician in the nuts? Remember, Every time the Mayor gets a hit, an angel gets his wings.

Sunday, April 24, 2005


Today I’m going to have a theme. Music. Everyone likes music. Whether it’s the sweetest staccato of D’vorak’s New World Symphony, the snapping crunch of Chuck Norris breaking femurs or the Cha-ching! of the Vegas slots, music is in you, one way or another. I saw this next link and although it is artistic, it made me wonder, how it was, that I never made it in the business?

Fore play

Fuck those assholes! Fuck em' all and fuck the napkin! You can learn to play an instrument and step on everyone's dick. Why should the no talent apes of the music world get all the glory? You deserve a slice of their pie.

But you say, "I don't know how to play." I'm going to teach you. It's easy. My Grandfather could do it, and he can't even piss into the bowl. Go here, pick your song, and learn where the notes are on your chosen instrument. Don't come back here until you do.

What did he say?

Even if you can't sing, you'll need to know the proper words to the songs you want to sing. First, go here and find out what the wrong lyrics are, and then go here and get the correct ones. Hurry! While the others are still on the last Blog. I'll wait here. You! Fenris! Stop waisting time boy, and go to the link!

Music to my ears.

Ok, I'm assuming, you know your instrument, you can mumble the correct lyrics, and you have the passion, the fire, the drive to suceed. You'll need a band. Go here and get one. I stole this from the Mayor. Shush! Don't tell him. He's been looking for it, for weeks.

Canadian Idol, here I come!

The Sunday Ripper is also music related Ladies and Gents. I yanked it from the Mayor ,who yanked it from Ebaums, who told two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on.

I thought it would be fitting as there are thousands of young wannabes with their 25% undeveloped brain mass, camping out in the rain, and cold, and drizzle this weekend. For what? A chance to sneeze and cough in front of a panel of Canadian Idol hack judges. I know three of them so I can say "hack".

I feel, after the exposure to the elements, the best any of these brave, (but stupid), souls will be able to muster is all documented here.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

That week feeling

Alright, unless you live under a rock, a lot of this will be terribly redundant. Yeah, yeah, a new Pope. Joe the Rat, (do you really need a link?) Quick decision too. 1) So the Catholic priests could resume their habitual buggery and 2) because miniature, state of the art, listening devices had been inserted into the arseholes of mice in order to infiltrate the Conclave.

M.J.’s trial continues, (do you really need a link?)

A massive wave hit a Norwegian cruise liner putting it out of commission. Hey, I heard some of the comments made by a few of the pissed off New Yorkers who were on board, and let me tell you, that wave had to be an act of God.

Our Canadian Prime Minister, (Paul Martin), groveled on national television this week, hoping to delay an election. He was followed by the leaders of the opposition, Steven Harper and the French guy, Gilles Whatshisfuck. I was about to turn the three stooges off when , lo and behold Shemp, (Jack Layton of the NDP), had his say too. Talk about jumping the shark. For those of you who missed what was said, I'll give you a sample. "Why I otta!" "Woop,woop,woop woop....gnang, gnang!" "Oh wise guy!" "Knuck, knuck, knuck." "Moe, Larry, cheese!"

Someone in the states won 205 million dollars. Trust me, this time next year, that person will be back to living in a trailer on welfare....well....until a tornado obliterates it.

What else happened this week? Let’s see....(flip..flip), Phyllis Diller fell out of bed and broke a hip....(flip...flip), Buddy Ebson, (Maaaattlock!), turned, like a hundred and frickin’ thirty years was Earth day Friday....(flip...flip...ho hum), QB Alex Smith was taken 1st overall by San Fran in the NFL draft...there was something about a lawsuit over a finger found in Wendys chili. (I just thought it was extra meaty.)....Oh and two hundred and fifty years ago Samuel Johnson published the first dic-tion-ary >noun- a book that lists the words of a language and gives their meaning. Now, that's some real news people!

If you ask me, this week sounds too much like some bad B movie. Don’t believe me? Read on.

The Popeseideon Adventure II (the spawning)

The new Pope, (Buddy Ebson), is celebrating Earth Day by taking a cruise on the S.S. Samuel Johnson, where an elaborate plot is in effect to murder the new Catholic leader and steal 205 million dollars that is stowed on board. When a human finger is found in the Pontiff’s chili it becomes clear that foul play is afoot. There is only one man who can help, 1st round draft pick, Alex Smith, (himself). An impassioned plea is made by the Canadian Prime Minister, (Phyllis Diller), and the leaders of the opposition, to the young quarterback. But first he must escape the clutches of his captives at Never-land Ranch and time is running out, not only for the Pope, but for the cruise liner, as a killer wave is headed straight for the vessel and all aboard.

(Running time 127 mins.)
Alliance Atlantis
also staring: George Kennedy (back from the grave), Jennifer Lopez, L.L. Cool J, Jason Alexander

What's black and white and read all over?

So this week went ok. Your boss was pleasant to you because his accountants told him of a new loop hole that will save him millions. You didn’t kill anyone in a fit of rageahol on the drive home. The next door neighbors dog didn’t shit on your lawn, and if he did, at least you didn’t step in it this time. Yup! Life this week was pretty sweet and now it’s the weekend. Time to kick back and relax with some well deserved R&R. Just let your mind numb, until the work machine cranks up once again Monday morning. I have just the thoughtless, systemic brain death you need right here. You’ll wonder why you just wasted five minutes of your life playing it.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

What’s an eight letter word for incarcerate?

Is it just me, or am I glad I don’t live near a U.S. correctional facility? I found this news article a little disturbing as should you, especially if you live in Cali-forn-I-A. "Say, could you guys riot quietly while I finish my word jumble? Ah-ha! There it is! E-L-F."

Computer magic

I just got back from Mitchieville. I needed to pick up some hookers, and blow, you know, that sort of thing. While I was there I decided to stop by the Mayor’s office and watch him masterfully manipulate his new computer. After all, I am the campaign manager. I was envious.
This newest contraption is state of the art with all the bells and whistles. I would even go as far as to say it was "scrumpdillyicious." I found myself muttering under my breath, "That lucky bastard," more than once. He should have no problems Blogging to the Mitchieville faithful now.

The Mayor graciously allowed me to video tape his new electronic gizmo, with it’s futuristic trackball keyboard, as he telepathically transmitted his Blogs through musical tones. It was a sight to behold, and you can witness this blessed event too, right here. Makes me wonder what the good people at Atari will come up with next.

Cock is it.

Welcome to the Sunday Ripper. I found this next pic intriguing. I stumbled across it when I was tooling around ebaums world. What do you think Coke is trying to say with this ad? Hmm I wonder.

Subliminal messages Posted by Hello

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The week that was

I'd like to happily announce that I am pregnant with Kevin Federline's baby.

God damn it! It’s been a week and a half and all the workmen have done is change the nav bar. It's not that I don't like the new tan look, it's very summery, but it's taking too long to get the work done. Oh, they said something about hitting the wrong wire and a memory dump and that’s why they're still working away. I’m not sure I believe them. Just between you and I, I'm frustrated, I mean I've seen enough butt cracks this week, I could put Polyfiller out of business. And I'm missing all the juicy news, since I’ve gone a blogging on the weekends.

So much seems to happen through the week. For instance, I went to sleep last Sunday in Toronto and woke up in Detroit, or at least that’s how it seems with all the shootings we’ve had. The most notable was hate monger Wolfgang Droege the notorious one-time leader of the racist Heritage Front who was gunned down in a fit of well– hatred. A can’t help thinking of this as an oxymoron of some sort, like military intelligence, or jumbo shrimp.

I heard that there’s an outside chance that the next Pope might be Canadian. Yeah right, and Colorado might have a ton of snow. Wait a moment...let’s all go to Sexscenes and taunt her. Everybody together now. Let's hear your best Nelson, "Ha, ha." (She can thank me later. I'm always looking to give a shout out to a fellow author, especially one as gifted as her.) But I digress, a Canadian Pope? Who woulda thought? With further anaysis it makes sense. We are used to following hugely successful individuals and not living up to expectations. Our whole society is built on mediocrity. However, I doubt that he will be picked, after all, at age 60 he’s considered as too young and he also tested positive for steroids.

Toronto welcomed back Carter. Vince Carter, that is, former Raptor now a New Jersey Net. He was smoothered in a chorus of boos but managed to trounce our ass any way, (See! Mediocrity). I say who the fuck cares? It's basketball. I stopped caring when the game was invented.

Finally, A 33 year old man was arrested for trying to solicit sex from a twelve year old he met in a chat room. He actually rented a car and drove from T.O. to Virginia where he was spotted by the girl's mother lurking in the bushes.

Can you believe it? What a knob. Everyone knows if you want to have sex with a twelve year old, you have to go further south. Kentucky or Alabama I’m thinkin’. (Oh I'm going to hear about this.)

Hell hath no fury like a Mayor scorned

I just got back from Mitchieville. I needed to pick up some milk, some bread, some porn, you know, that sort of thing. While I was there I decided to stop by the Mayor’s office and read the daily Blog. After all, I am the campaign manager. I was shocked. My anticipated daily laugh was gunned down like a drive-by shooting, and I left upset in a pool of my own tears.

Ok, that’s a little extreme, but I was disturbed. I haven’t even watched my porn yet and it’s approaching noon. I think someone pissed in the Mayor's Lucky Charms, because he seemed rather fraught over a few issues Friday, that have left him anything but magically delicious.

Some would say, it has been a long, tough campaign and it's taking its toll. Personally, I think the computer problems that he has been having of late, set him off. So I thought I would dedicate this post to trying to cheer him up. Turn that frown, upside down.

I know he’s looking into getting a new computer and when he does he will need cool desktop. This next site, should give him some funky ideas. It’s not actually a site about computers and truly I’m just using the Mayor as a segue to post it, but take a look, it’s pretty cool. It’s all screens that people have put together to fuck you up. So get fucked up.

Secondly I know how the Mayor loves a good chick fight. To that end, he would be happy to know, they are Mitchivillians fighting over the point system, on his woman to woman challenge, for his one word title contest. It has been running all week and the competition is fierce.

Last but not least, we need to start a pledge drive to get the Mayor the hits he needs. Because as much as I love that desirable shinny head of his, I still want to see him kicked in the nutz. Confess! Deep down inside you do too.

Here’s what I propose. We all make a concerted effort to visit his blog, four or five times a day. It doesn’t matter if you’ve already read his wonderfully twisted views, (Fridays comments excluded). Think of it as a station in between where you are and where you want to go on the net. In fact, why don't you put a link on all your out going emails. Let’s pull together and make this happen. Really it’s funny to watch someone piss blood. His honorable Mayor would be the first person to agree. See. If you click on every link in this post you will have givin the Mayor four hits each, bringing a little sunshine to his otherwise dour puss.

Bad week at work #3

You again! You’re making this a habit aren’t you? Well I have just the thing for you my pet. Warning! It’s still in the testing phase and not ready yet for the overbearing bosses of the world, but one day, who knows. At the moment, you can go and see the squirrel launcher, and dare to dream of the bigger picture.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

All you need are crayons

Did you have a coloring book when you were little? Of course you did, ya big galoot. We all did. But we never had coloring books like the one on this link which in my estimation is absolutely hilarious. Start with collection #1 and go from there. My favorite is, "Paying was easy. Picking which whore would die was hard." Go, look at it now. Quick, before I change my mind!

The Sunday ripper

I know the Mayor has been hard at work, trying to knock a little nutritional sense into his adoring public. Christ, he’s been like Martha frickin' Stewart minus the orange jump suit, yet, he’s forgetting one important aspect of food preparation, that he has not covered. The outdoor grill.

Look outside people! The weather is finally getting better. (I can picture someone in the Carribean reading this and wondering what the fuck I’m talking about.) I live in Canada! Sub-zero is considered beaching weather here buddy! Spring has sprung people! Rejoice, and fire up the B.B.Q.

Now, the Mayor could tell you how to do that, I have absolutely no idea. However, I do know that when I’m in God’s good graces, and find myself at such a wondrous event, I hope they are serving beer can chicken. Yum! Chicken with a beer crammed up it’s arsehole. As Marlon Brando said in Last Tango in Paris, "Get the butter."

I don’t know where I snagged the picture from but I have to give someone credit so I’ll just say...."I stole this from a hockey card...I kept tucked up under my fifty mission cap."

What are ya....chicken? Posted by Hello

EI, EI, Oh!

Employment insurance, I pay it like so many others, so that if a time comes where I actually need it, the money’s there. But let me tell you boys and girls, while you’re on it, don’t try to do anything to better yourself like take a course, or get some schooling. They will cut you off without blinking an eye and toss your penis right out the window.

Now ultimately it’s my own fault. I fill out my forms on line where I have to answer a bunch of asinine questions every two weeks. Questions like, "Have you moved or changed banking information?" (Like I have the money to fuckin move.) When the usual question about school and courses came up, I replied yes. I should have just lied and said, "No I didn’t go to school." but I’m a law abiding citizen and want to be on the up and up. In response to my honesty, they suspended my benefits pending review.

I’m a family man with bills to pay and geewiz, I kind-of need that money, which is essentially my money to begin with since I’ve been paying into UI for a bazillion years.

Lesson learned? The government wants you to lie to them. They crave it like a junkie looking for their next fix. After all, isn’t this the same government that is allowed to put their greedy little hands in our pockets time after time? Who pick their own salary and periodically give themselves raises? Who get exemptions and right-offs up the wahzoo? Who spy on my girl when she’s in the shower? (Ok I admit that was me.) And then there’s the big fat pension at the end of it all. Yet, here I am going back to school for a week, that will not only allow me to return to work sooner, but make a few extra bucks in the process. I might even better myself and they run around like a bunch of wailing mourners screaming foul.

You know what? Next time I’m just going to sit on my ass and do nothing and collect my little cheques. Evidently that’s the way they want it.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

With this Blog, I do thee wed.

So much happened this week . Where was I. Oh yeah, listening to the hammering and the pounding of renovations in full swing. HEY! Keep it down! Can’t you see I’m trying to Blog here. Damn workmen. They have no respect for anyone but the Blogger is looking pretty good.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes the week that was. Baseball started up again. Who the f’guck cares? Our team sucks. A new dome full of gizmos, Trailer Park Boys, and national anthems performed by Slash, isn't going to change that.

Some guy in a pointy hat had a funeral yesterday. Relax! I knew it was the Pope, and let me say Greenwich Village will sorely miss that lovable lug. Michael Jackson did not attend the funeral. I find that odd, since this week he was accused of behaving like a Catholic priest.

Canada dominated on the world stage in sport, if you consider curling and women’s hockey sports? Hurry, hard! (Applies to both activities.)

I guess from what I’m hearing the Liberal government has been fucking the tax payers in the ass again. (And I thought it was only hemorrhoids.) Seriously, has there ever been a politician who didn’t come away looking like a crooked fuck in a big bag of shit. I know what I’m going to do. I’m masturbating into my tax return. I say it’s about time they got a little jiz back.

Apparently road crews were kicking some serious asphalt, repairing potholes, just not the ones I drove over. Although, I know they were out there, at least I sat in traffic like they were.

Star Wars III already has an audience. They’re the idiots who are camping out in front of theatres with the release date a mere six weeks away. What, did McDonalds and Walmart stop hiring?

Auditions were held Thursday for the theatrical presentation of Lord of the Rings which opens next May in Toronto. The news station I heard relayed, that the producers of the show were holding an open casting call for all Hobbits, Elves and Fairies. Fairies? Really? Fuck me! Someone better read Tolkien to these morons soon.

There is going to be a transit strike on Monday. I know this because there is quite a lot of finger pointing, and screaming going on. Geesh! I'm glad I live near Mitchieville, where there are never strikes of any kind, the streets are paved in gold, chocolate is abundant, prostitutes pay you for sex, and we actually get to kick our Mayor in the balls.

Finally, I heard something about Prince Charles marrying a horse. Is that true?

It's a Mr. Death or something. He's come about the reaping.

Death isn’t funny, unless you have a sense of humor. Ok maybe a sick twisted sense of humor. This next link made me howl. With the Pope and T. Shiavo passing on, as it were, I feel it’s important that we learn to deal with death, especially when we have to convey someone’s demise to children. What are you still doing here? Don’t listen to me babble, go check the site out.

Batter up

Bad week at work again? You’re making this a habit aren’t ya? I have just the cure. Go here and release a little aggression.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Please stand by

I will be closed for renovations for the next week or so. I’m having some work done on this baby, and the workmen should be here, bright eyed and bushy tailed , first thing tomorrow morning. I’m getting a Blog facelift. Why shouldn’t I be more like my Hollywood idols?

While this is happening I will continue to post on weekends. So just like the damn networks moving your favorite shows around, rip off Wednesdays will be moved to Sunday and will now be called the Sunday Ripper. The Blog will appear at 7:00 PM EST, 8:00 Central, and 6:30 for those of you in Newfoundland. I don’t know why I wrote that, I don’t know anyone who lives on the rock..

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Thank God its over

No, not the Pope dying, the Blog Arena of Death. The Blog wars have finally ended after two excruciating months. Bluebewy that little fireball of twitching clitorises, have been crowned queen. They defeated all completion, including Pearzild87 yesterday by the score of 4-3, to win this years worst Blog Trophy.

Besides being labeled as worst Blog, Bluebewy also receives, a years subscription to this site where a real man’s game is played, and coupons for McDonalds, ( must see local restaurant for details).

As I stated before, I know that Bluebewy wasn’t the worst Blog by a longshot. That there are others out there far worse, leaping past the boundaries of poor taste. I mean just look at this and tell me what I post is fallacious.

Regurgitated sport

Forget the Blog Arena of Death, it was just as its acronym described, BAD. There’s a much better game in town. A game wher drinking and sport meet in a glorious union of completion and puking. (How ingenious) I’m talking about Beer Pong. The rules of which can be viewed here. I say we form teams and start a league...Who’s with me!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

The day after, the night before

Although yesterday was the 1st of the month, I decided to hold off for a day before I posted my shameless self promotion, yesterday being April Fools and all. Besides, I had already submitted 5 Blogs and some of you were probably wondering if I might have been in to that second pot of coffee.

Today there is just the one Blog. The one that expresses the only other self love I can display without touching my crank. I present to you an except from my second novel The Limits of Respectability.

I looked around. Thumper, Wally and Doc all had their equipment packed up and piled neatly by the door waiting to be loaded, but the guys were nowhere to be seen. I rushed over to Wires.
"Where is everyone?"
Wires took a long pull on his cigarette, "Don’t know. They asked me how long we’d be. I told them about two and a half, and they said they were going out for a while. They’ll be back when..." He stretched out his hand toward the rest of the gear still in a state of disarray like he was showing us a new car.
"They didn’t say anything about a party?"
"Was anyone else with them?"
"Tall guy with a mullet."
"Oh that’s just frickin’ marvelous! Shit, shit, shit! They're so going to get their asses kicked." I turned back to the girl. "You have to take me to this party."
"Why what’s wrong? Don’t you want to be alone with me?"
"Can you take me there or not?"
"Sparky, take Bronson with you."
"Wires you need him here with you."
"No one goes anywhere alone. Remember?"
"I’m not. I have . . . what was your name again?"
"I have Lexie with me."
"No offence Sparky, she’s not band. Take Bronson. I’ll be all right. I can do the rest myself."
"Fine mother!— OK mumbles let’s go."
Bronson put down the coil of extension cord he was wrapping and joined me. He had hardly said anything to anyone this week except maybe Wires. I didn’t see how taking this scrawny kid with me would help a potentially explosive situation. I needed to warn the guys and hopefully just get them to leave the party quietly, unnoticed.
"Wires better try to speed up your schedule for leaving. We may have to get out of here quick."
Wires looked at me as if to say, "Well, duh," then he went back to work with his cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
We walked briskly beside Lexie, as our guide led us down one of the streets adjacent to the club. I was still sick and the quick steps were agonizing. My bowels were in knots but I
clenched my butt cheeks together to prolong the inevitable.
"It’s there," she said, "See. At the end of the street." There was a house blazing with light and an obvious din was reaching us in scraps of conversation as we approached. The lawn was littered with pickup trucks and a scattering of beer bottle sentries. A few of the party goers sat on a swinging love seat on the front porch smoking nature’s finest, thick and aromatic.
"Bronson, take Lexie and try to find the guys. Tell them everything’s packed up and we’re ready to leave . . . and stay calm."
"You mean unlike you. Where are you going?" Lexie asked.
"I have to find a bathroom quick."
"Up the stairs to the left. Last door on the right."
I left them and raced up the stairs. I found the bathroom, but I also found a line five deep.
"Is there another bathroom in the house?"
A guy holding down the fifth spot turned to me, "In the basement dude, but I don’t think it works."
"Thanks." I ran down the stairs and then another set into the basement. I passed by several doors with people lounging, drinking, making out and listening to music. I searched frantically, trying to keep the torpedo door closed.
"The enemy is in sight Captain ready to fire."
"Steady. Steady."
I found the bathroom. It wasn’t working. Not only was the guy right, there wasn’t even a toilet there, just a hole in the floor where a black pipe jutted out awaiting the arrival of its porcelain buddy.
"Captain the enemy’s closing fast!"
"Steady. Steady."
It’s funny how my dire need to warn my fellow band mates had been pushed to the back burner by one of life’s most basic functions, the excretion of waste. They could be up there somewhere lying in a bloody pummeled mess, being tortured with hot pokers to the eyes and I couldn’t care less. I had to find a place to relieve myself.
"OK lads prepare to fire."
"But Captain the torpedo doors are still closed."
"Get them open damn it, quick! Fire!"

...And fire I did right into the litter box I found there under the sink. I grabbed a brush from the medicine cabinet and started flicking kitty litter over my mess to try to hide it. I finished just as someone pushed their way into the bathroom.
"The toilet’s out, buddy. Just the sink’s working," I said as I washed my hands and dried them on a small towel.
"Oh, Thanks." He was about to leave when he noticed the cat box. "Holy fuck! Bruiser’s cat must be huge!"
"Yeah I know. Can you believe that shit," I said as I pressed by him and back up the stairs. I could hear him faintly behind me, "Here kitty, kitty."

Friday, April 01, 2005

The work week magnified

Hate your job? Feeling pissed off? It’s been a long hard week at work hasn’t it? Now your ass feels like you’ve spent time in a prison shower. Patience my pet. The weekend is upon us and it’s time to release that pent up aggression. Just-so-happens, I have the perfect game for you to feel in control of you life again. At the same time you can get back at those corporate whores that sign the paychecks. Go here.

Your slip is showing

Don’t know what prank to play on your fellow workers today? Perhaps I can help you out. Go here and see if this interests you.

B.A.D. Final this weekend

Tired of Waiting for the milk to curdle? Like watching paint dry? Forget all that. Watch the Blog Arena of Death this weekend on ESPN4. A new champ will be crowned and an exciting playoff will culminate in a climactic battle between two titans of the Blog community. Will it be the seemingly unstoppable ball of prepubescent estrogen Bluebewy? Or will it be the Cinderella story that is Pearlzild87?

This one’s even too close to call for the Las Vegas bookies. Dickie the Greek has tossed his hands up in anguish. It could come down to vowels and consonants and a hell of a lot of mudslinging. Flip a coin people this could be a long game. On second thought, I think I’ll watch the paint dry.

If you haven’t figured it out by now...there is no such thing as the Blog Arena of Death and perhaps you should just read on.

Isn't that just grand son

Ok, this has to be a joke, or else the little bastard is just too lazy to go out and find a real job. Go check it out, but hurry, bidding ends soon.

Hey, maybe he's on to something? Attention: One penis for sale. Used, but in excellent condition. Serious female bids only. Winner pays shipping.

Which leads me to the final Blog for today.....

Hoaxes pocus

Ah, April 1st. A day of mindless pranks and hoaxes. A day where you can point at others humiliation, and laugh aloud, "April Fools". A day when you can set fire to your neighbor’s annoying dog that won’t stop barking at three in the bleedin’ AM....sorry that was another day.

I thought I’d post a site for your perusal, that shows the various pranks played through the ages. Mmm... there’s some good readin’.

"Hey, the Pope just died! April Fools."