Sunday, May 31, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XXII

The taller man in the hazmat suit, Rabbit had seen behind his house, appeared behind the shiny-boot-man and moved to a strategic position near the door. He too had a weapon drawn, similar to the one his partner was holding – a shimmering black edifice with two, short, rectangular barrels topped with a circular disk and a trigger mounted on a tubular handle.

The shiny-boot-man spoke again. “Toss you weapons on the floor Dr. Forder, or should I be calling you Sheppard? Either way it’s over. There’s nowhere left to run. So drop them. Do it now! ....Slowly!”

Carefully Sheppard placed the shotgun and the revolver from his jeans on the floor and kicked them away. He pulled the kids to him and stood waiting for the men in the hazmat suits make the next move.

The shiny-boot-man kept his distance but moved in from the kitchen to better study his prey. He looked at the dead corpse of Old Man Vilgrain. “I’d say he’s had a bad day. Now, surrender the boy Sheppard.”

“No! Don’t do it!” Rabbit yelled.

“Do as I say!”

“Why? So you can take him and experiment on him like some lab rat, the way they did with the kids from Trinity?”

“No, so I can kill you without hurting him with this remarkable device.” The shiny-boot-man said brandishing his weapon. “Have you seen these Sheppard? -A technological leap in killing your enemy. It emits a microwave pulse that virtually cooks your internal organs. Cool huh? You explode from the inside out.” The man looked at Rabbit. “You ever put a hamster in a microwave? -Same principle. Fairly messy though.”

“What about the girl?”

“She’s of no concern to me. Call her a casualty of war if you want. I’m interested in the boy only.”

Amber began to whimper and clung to Sheppard with a great urgency.

“We are not the enemy here......”

“Grant, Colonel Hayden Grant. A man should know the name of the one who kills him.”

“We’re not the enemy Hayden. Think of what you’re doing.”

Grant became suddenly irate. “When you address me, you call me Colonel, Sheppard!”

“The boy is not an Indigo, as you seem to believe....Colonel.”

“As much as you think you know. You know nothing of what’s about to happen! I’m aware of exactly what the boy can do and what he’s capable of. I’ve seen the file and I have specific orders to bring him in before he becomes a liability. Killing you is a bonus. And believe me; killing you now, I’m doing you a favour. How long do you think it will be before you and the girl end up like him?” Grant nodded to Vilgrain, the yellow puss still dripping from his lips. “Do you want to end up like that?”

“You’re right. My organs bursting out of me, like I’m a bag of popcorn, seems like a much more humane way to die.”

“Only because, your life is coming to an end, I’ll allow your sarcasm. Kind of like a last cigarette.”

“I don’t smoke.”

“You could have been part of this Sheppard, but you had to play hero. Let me be the first to tell you; real heroes don’t always taste the victory.”

“People will find out what you’ve done here.....the innocent victims you’ve killed.”

“If you're referring to our little aerosol cocktail in the sky, I don’t think so. Within the hour, this will be national news. By the end of the day, the whole world will know a new biological terrorist weapon was used here. The Chinese will be blamed. The situation will escalate. There will be retaliation and we can finally bring global order to this planet with a new weapon no one has seen before.”

"What weapon?"

"Something beautiful and catastrophic. The real heart beat of Project Eden."

“Remember Colonel; only one man can sit on the throne.”

Rabbit’s fingers began to tingle and the sickness was back, but stronger this time. He let out a moan.

“What’s wrong with the kid?” Grant’s partner said.

“Nothing. It’s just, Isn’t that right Sheppard?” Grant said. “You don’t disappoint Rabbit, but honestly, this is a no brainer. It’s easy to see I’m going to kill your new buddy and your little girlfriend as well. It doesn’t take an Indigo to see that. Let me guess, Mr. Sheppard here has....Oh I don’t know....a deep blue aura?”

Rabbit held his stomach in obvious pain. He grit his teeth, shuddering as if deathly cold. Sheppard was having a hard time holding on to him.

“Accept your fate Sheppard. Make this easy on all of us. Hand over...the...BOY!”

Rabbit fell to his knees, his arms crossed as he shuddered. He looked up at Grant. “Yes.....I see a blue aura.” He said.

Grant turned to Van Gogh, “See. How disappointing. Maybe you’re not as special as everyone made you out to be kid?”

Rabbit turned his head in obvious agony to Sheppard then back to Grant. “No,” He said. “Not Mr. Sheppard.” He then looked at Van Gogh. “Him, he’s the one with the blue aura.”

More B.J. tips for don't spit-swallow

When my man stopped eating all red meat, his cum no longer had that overpowering nasty taste or smell. - Bonny, Oregon

Tip to make it taste sweet: Have the man eat a teaspoon of cinnamon every day. On top of helping the semen taste sweeter, it will lower his cholesterol and also help lower his blood sugar. - Anonymous, Orlando

I think my guy felt a little guilty that I was always swallowing for him, yet he was always incredibly thankful. The second time I did it, he had a piece of gum on hand, which was nice, and even though I usually try and deep throat it, he's had a stick for me after I'm done every time. He usually has gum anyhow, but it's still nice that he thinks of me. - Bev, Akron

Lemon juice to go along with the semen. That's what my woman does. - Anonymous, Louisiana

Just deep throat him and when he comes, it shoots right down your throat. This way you don't taste it or feels its consistency. - Anonymous, Cincinnati

My wife says gulp quickly, don't hold it your mouth. Swallow it all because it gets stringy in the teeth. - Anonymous, U. K.

Try swallowing it together. After he squirts his load into her mouth, they can kiss a long passionate kiss, slowly consuming the juice together. Even more satisfying and exciting is for her to keep it in her mouth while he goes down on her until his mouth is fill of her juice, then they can kiss and mix their juices together as they slowly swallow, making a special sauce like no other. Enjoy :-)~ - Tom, USA

Tips: Play with it for a long while before you actually start the hardcore blowjob, then have him tell you when he's really close, and backoff, do it a few times and by the time you bring him to cum its just a quick 5-10 seconds tops of letting it all pool into your mouth, swallow it and clean anything off by sucking for a few more seconds... makes it all very fun for him. - Nicki, Michigan

Eat a big bag of pear drops - Mark, Manchester, England

Alcohol and fruit combined for the best tasting cum - Lexi, Seattle

Friday, May 29, 2009

Spelling Bee or not to bee

With the spelling bee in full swing this week I thought it might be funny to look in and see how the kids are doing.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

More B.J. tips for don't spit-swallow

I try and work up a nice wet mouth with plenty of saliva saved up. Then when he cums, I slurp and swish and really bob my head mixing the jizz and saliva. This also seems to help generate more saliva, which helps thin out the jizz. Guys also seem to really enjoy the "power sucking" right after they cum. Then with one big gulp, I take it down. Sometimes I then pull off him and lick his thighs, belly, whatever. This helps to clean the tongue if needed. - Debbi, Ohio

As a man who loves to be sucked (completely), I had to taste my own cum to analyze why girls don't like swallowing. I think the bleach smell is the great concern and I think it is caused by red meat consumption. After I stopped eating red meat for a week, the bleach smell disappeared (even though I was eating cheese). - Rick, Brazil

Buy wheat grass supplement. Your girlfriend will thank me! - Chris, Tucson

Open up an Equal packet and keep it close by so that when you see your guy's precum, you can put the contents of the packet in your mouth. Then pump as much cum as you can into your mouth and swallow. Satisfaction guaranteed! - Anonymous, U. S.

I have found that no matter how large the cock is, it is all a matter of mind over matter as far as gagging is concerned. With enough practice you will begin to know where your personal threshold is and when the penis is just too deep! I don't think it is a good idea to deep throat the whole time, or a vast majority of the time you are giving head, but when he is ready to cum you should go down deep, let it shoot straight down your throat (this way you won't taste it), and suck him dry. I find sucking him dry helps to also get whatever is left in your mouth down also. - Gen, Louisiana

I find if you don't like to swallow at first, making sure not to breathe through your nose while swallowing helps the gag reflex. Just close your eyes and get it down in all one gulp. After a while it should "cum" easier. - Anonymous,

Drinking a lot of orange juice does a lot for a sweet semen taste - Rudy, U. S.

One time shortly after Halloween, I had a whole chocolate bar, and later that day my girlfriend gave me head and she said it tasted like chocolate, but bad chocolate. So my tip is to not eat a lot of chocolate. - Anonymous, Phoenix

Make sure he eats fruit. It helps a lot. Also, if you just keep the head near the back of your throat, and just keep swallowing your spit, you may not even notice when he cums. - Anonymous, Las Vegas

Many women find it hard to swallow cum due to the forceful way it shoots down their throats, sometimes causing a gag reflex due to the high velocity and amount of the initial blast. Here's a tip. Pull the penis slightly out of your mouth and touch your tongue to the top of your mouth, blocking the hot/fast injection of semen from hitting the back of your throat. Proceed to swallow once your mouth is full or he stops shooting. - Anthony, California

Then and now #5

The Shining:

10-Year-Old You Says: I didn't understand this movie at all. I got kind of bored in the middle and started playing with my He-Men.

24-Year-Old You Says: Dude. Seriously, this is the scariest movie you will ever see in your life. I am not joking, dude. I almost shit myself when that little kid started screaming "Redrum!" at his mom. And then you see that he's yelling "murder." Shit man, it still gives me shivers. And those little dead twins covered in blood? God. Sooooo freaky. HOLY SHIT! I almost forgot about the super old nasty-ass naked lady in the bathtub. Could you imagine seeing that shit?!?! You would fuckin' die, dude. You would seriously fucking die. I heard about this one kid who watched this on mushrooms and he had to go to the hospital and he didn't talk for like a month straight. Totally insane. This movie will freak you the fuck out.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Then and now #4

Nightmare on Elm Street:

10-Year-Old You Says: Freddy Krueger used to kill children so all the parents in the town burned his house down. Then Freddy came back in their kid's dreams and would kill them using this cool knife glove. He kills them in their sleep, but they die in real life. And their parents don't believe that Freddy's killing them cause they think they're just nightmares. Then the girl sets her alarm so she'll wake up right as she's fighting Freddy and bring him into the real world so her cop dad can arrest Freddy and send him to jail. But instead she has to kill him with all these traps she set for him in her house, but Freddy kills her mom anyway before he dies.

24-Year-Old You Says: Dude! Johnny Depp totally got his ass handed to him this movie! That was, by far, the best part. My gf has this super huge crush on him, so it was awesome to see him get sucked into that bed and turned into that spout of blood. When I saw that I went up to her and was all, "Where's your boyfriend now, huh? You still think he's hot when he's all blood and shit coming out of that bed?" She just told me to shut up and didn't give me any nookie that night. That sucked, but it was still worth seeing that pretty boy get what was coming to him. My one problem with this movie, though, is why does Freddy talk all the time? He's trying to be some kind of corny-ass joke-telling comedian instead of slicing the shit out of dudes like Johnny Depp. If he would've shut the hell up for two seconds he could've killed the shit out of Depp 10 minutes into this flick. I think that Robert Englund guy still goes around to conventions dressed as Freddy. That's so sad. Get a life, dude.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XXI

Sheppard had virtually dragged a reluctant Rabbit Bradley and Amber to the Vilgrain house. They stood on the side porch next to the kitchen doorway where the overhang of the house protected them and a rusting barbeque from sight. He knew time was of the essence, not only because of those who now hunted them, but due to the wisps of manmade cloud drifting above them and slowly descending in a rain of yellow dust. Whatever it was that was killing people was in that cocktail and Sheppard wanted to make sure they weren’t still here when the bar opened.

He pulled the gun from his pants and cautiously led the kids inside. The door squeaked with their entrance and closed with a click behind them.

“Hello, is there anyone here?”

Rabbit seemed to tense up at Sheppard’s brazen questionnaire.

“It’s OK Rabbit. We’re all in this together even Mr. Vilgrain.- Hello! Anybody here?”

From the kitchen they could hear the blaring of the television coming from another room. Vilgrain’s here, watching his TV, drunk as a skunk. Sheppard brought a finger to his lips and whispered, “Wait here while I check this out.” He disappeared through the doorway next to the fridge.

Rabbit and Amber waited silently, hand in hand, frozen with fear. Rabbits fingers began to tingle and the sickness swelled from inside him. He swallowed hard to keep it at bay while his grip on Amber’s hand tightened.

“Rabbit you’re hurting me.”

He relaxed his grip, “I’m sorry. I guess with everything that’s happened I’m a little freaked out.”

“Me too. I don’t want to be here. I have a bad feeling.”

Sheppard came back into the kitchen, his gun tucked safely back into his pants. “OK, look around,” he said. “See if you can find some bags. Go through the cupboards and load up with non perishables only. Cans are best- fruit, vegetables, canned meats, bottles of water, anything in an unopened package. Don’t make the bags too heavy. We have to move quickly and can’t stay here long. I’ll check the rest of the house for anything useful.... and don’t leave the kitchen. Do you hear me?”

Amber went to work opening cupboards and the pantry pulling out the suggested items while Rabbit looked at Sheppard. “Old Man Vilgrain?”

Sheppard shook his head. “There were no vital signs and he’s not easy to look at, so stay here Rabbit and collect what we need. I’ll be back soon.”

The boy shook his head in compliance and Sheppard disappeared to search the rest of the house.

The two kids went to work filling up several plastic bags. From the other room the television still blared and the flicker of electric lightning cascaded off a wall just outside the open kitchen doorway. Rabbit found himself drawn to it, like moth to flame. I have to see what he looks like. Just one look and I’ll get back here before anyone knows I’m gone.

Amber was busy, her lower body jutting out from a cupboard she was searching the back of. Occasionally she’d push out a can with a thump and return to her duties, while it rolled across the floor. Rabbit crept away slowly, leaving the kitchen and entering the living room. From his new position he could see the back of Old Man Vilgrain’s bald head, a shining beacon, like a lidless eye sitting just above the back of a plush, black leather arm chair facing the TV next to the wall by the front door. A small table next to him held the remnants of a rock glass; the ice long since melted. A bottle of Jack Daniels lay on its side, its contents long gone, in a waterfall to the wet carpet below. Only a small ocean of black remained in the bottle and Rabbit was reminded of those ship-in-a-bottle displays, except without the miniature sailing vessel.

On the flat panel of the LCD, Harrison Ford ran through the rain to escape Rutger Hauer as he howled like a coyote and gave chase. Rabbit moved cautiously forward, trying to give Vilgrain’s chair a wide birth, yet see if his nemesis was indeed dead, as Sheppard had said. As he moved Old Man Vilgrain’s head came into profile and then Rabbit found himself looking at the man head-on.

Whatever had happened to him had not been pleasant. Although his eyes were closed, his mouth was twisted into downward growl and a vile yellow liquid mixed with blood ran in rivers to his chest from his mouth and ears. It had stained his undershirt to a dark-reddish tinge. The man sat in his boxer shorts and his legs sported a topography of veins almost bursting from his pale dead skin. His hands clutched the arm rests like talons and it looked like he had also wet himself.

Rabbit felt a new sensation in his fingers. It was unlike anything he’d experienced before. It was almost as if his body were itching to move, to take control of his actions and guide him against his will. His arms were charged with electricity in a dead sensation of pins and needles, crawling like ants, up and down, from his elbows to his hands.

On the screen, Harrison Ford clung to the side of a tall building, holding on for dear life as Rutger Hauer peered down at him from the ledge- waiting for him to fall- waiting for him to die.

Before Rabbit knew what he was doing, he was touching Old Man Vilgrain’s lifeless corpse on the forearm just above the wrists.

In the movie, Harrison finally let go and Rutger’s hand shot out and grabbed him to save him from his deathly plunge.

Instantaneously Vilgrain’s hand shot up and grabbed Rabbit’s arm, holding it tight. His eyes opened to glazed gray-white cataracts and his head drifted to the side, falling on his shoulder. His mouth moved as if trying to speak and the sewage of blood and yellow bile sputtered from his lips over a swollen purple tongue.

Rabbit yelled and tried to pull from the man’s grasp, but the hand clutched him firmly.

Amber had come running in from the kitchen when she heard Rabbit cry out and started to scream herself. Old Man Vilgrain’s mouth continued to flap, his tongue wiggling from side-to-side as he gurgled and hissed, mostly undistinguishable words. But a few the boy recognized and they came in a repugnant long, low whisper. “Weasels......weasels.”

Rabbit felt his body jerk violently backward as two hands latched onto his shirt collar and he landed on the floor. Sheppard looked at him from above, a worried frown shadowing his face. “Are you alright?”

Vilgrain’s hand now twitched violently. Sheppard was back on his feet, pointing a shotgun at the man. Then, Vilgrain’s arm dropped as if he’d suddenly been unplugged. His chin dropped to his chest and his mouth ceased its movement in a slow sigh of exhaling breath.

Sheppard turned back to Rabbit, crouching by his side. “Are you hurt?”

Rabbit propped himself up on his elbows. “I’m OK, just frightened. I had to see, but you said he was dead.”

“I’m sorry Rabbit. I thought.... He had no pulse, but I told you not to come in here!” Sheppard grabbed the boy and held him to his chest. “I’m just glad you’re OK.”

Amber had run to Rabbit’s side as well and knelt down beside him.

“Let’s grab the food and get out of here,” Sheppard said as he pulled the kids to their feet.

“You’re not going anywhere,” said a voice.

Rabbit turned back to the kitchen doorway. It was the man with the shiny boots. He had his weapon drawn – the one that had killed his father. It was pointed at them.

More B.J. tips for don't spit-swallow

Right before your guy gives you his load, take one opened Equal packet and dump it into your mouth. Then you will have a tasty sperm swallow. - Das, New England

Practice in the shower. Then, if you have to spit some, it is easy to clean up. When you feel no pressure to swallow, swallowing is easier. - Dawn, U. S.

I have learned that sometimes it is easier to swallow cum like you are taking a shot of liquor. - C., Virginia

First timers should drink ice water first. It kills some of that taste! - Silky, Norway

Cola and/or Pepsi have proven to be very efficient when it comes to masking the taste. Give your girl a can of this beverage right after you've shot your load inside her mouth. Then she drinks the Cola/Pepsi and the semen will go with the flow. - S., U. S.

My tip is to just swallow in one big gulp, no taste. - Lori, New Orleans

Deep throating is great, but it can go up your nose - backwards. Make sure his dick isn't aiming at your Eustachian tubes, if you can. - Anonymous, U. K.

Do not try to stop breathing, like how you hold your nose to avoid a bad taste. If you stop breathing, it is harder to just swallow, and gagging happens and it gets all in your mouth. Also, boys, try to eat more fruit - strawberries and pineapples work best. - Caroline, Ohio

Suck his cock back as far as you can. That way when he blows it, you won't taste it at all and practically won't even know he came. - B., British Columbia

Just don't think about it. Imagine it as a good beverage, like tea, or some juice. - Anonymous, Oklahoma - Give him some pineapple juice to drink. It cuts the saltiness. - Terri, U. S.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Then and now #3


10-Year-Old You Says: My friend Billy has that scary Scream mask and sometimes when I sleep over he turns off the lights and we take turns putting it on and scaring each other. He even puts on a black banket just like the guy in the movie and runs down his hallway. One time we got in trouble cause I actually thought he was the killer and I started crying and his mom got mad and made us stop and I had to go home.

24-Year-Old-You Says: To be honest, man, I was so wasted when I saw this that I really don't remember anything about it. Did Drew Barrymore get stabbed in the boob or something? I should see this again. My bad. I went as that Scream dude one Halloween. I had no costume, so I just bought that mask and went to this party where I totally hooked up with this chick. She was dressed as a naughty nurse...or a naughty cop...shit. She was a naughty something and she was totally hot, dude. It was an awesome party.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Then and now #2

This is the second instalment of a look at classic horror films reviewed by the 10 year-old you and the 24 year-old you.

Friday the 13th 3D:

10-Year-Old You Says: Jason is THE most biggest killer ever. He totally doesn't care who he kills cause he goes around with a machete getting revenge for his mom. She got killed in the first one cause she thought he was killed by a camper. But he came back and now he just kills everyone. This is the first one where Jason gets his hockey mask cause he stole it from a fat kid he killed who was trying to scare everyone. But then Jason totally killed him. Then he shot a spear in this girl's eye and at the end his mask comes off and his face is totally gross cause he'd been underwater and had gotten killed before. I asked my mom to leave the hall light on after I watched this one.

24-Year-Old You Says: This movie was supposed to be in 3-D, but I guess their 3-D machines totally sucked back in the 80s cause shit just looks blurry when something is supposed to be coming out of the screen. Lame. And there were almost zero titties in this one. And there was a shower scene! What the hell? I mean, it's already rated R. Might as well toss in a few tatas here and there. Na'mean, bro? Although this one part was pretty awesome when this guy is walking on his hands and then he looks up and Jason takes an axe to his crotch and cuts him in half. I'm totally going to do that to my boss, Duane. I effin' hate that guy.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Amazing yard sale finds

Weird sign Cost: $1.50

Not sure where I'm going to put this....probably the bathroom just to keep guests wondering when they use the facilities.

GILF Blow-up Doll: Cost: $2.10

Have to admit my curiosity got the better of me on this purchase. Hope there's no holes....well you know...other than the obvious ones.

Poopy Time Fun Shapes: Cost $1.50

You'd think I'd be giving this away as a gag gift, but I kind of want to keep it for myself. Plus this could double as a cookie dough shape maker for the next Oscar Party.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Then and now #1

With the Summer movie season well under way with blockbuster releases I thought it might be fun to look back at some classic horror movies from our younger days and see how they stand up over the course of time.

So here is the first in a series of movies reviewed by the 10 year-old you and the 24 year-old you.


10-Year-Old You Says: This movie was so scary I had to ask my dad to look in my closet and under my bed after I watched it. It's about this guy who kills his sister and then goes crazy and they have to take him to a crazy house cause he's bad. But he gets out and follows this girl while he's wearing a mask and there is scary music playing. And then in this one part, this guy is in the kitchen and he's wearing glasses and then the bad kid, who's grown up now and killing everyone, grabs his neck and takes a knife and stabs him in his chest and sticks him to the wall. And he's just stuck there in the air with the knife in him.

24-Year-Old You Says: Man, this movie totally sucked. It took forever for anything to happen cause it was nothing but this dude standing far away in a mask for the first hour and twenty minutes. Like that's supposed to scare me. On the upside, there were some titties in the very beginning when that little dude slashes up his sister, but, like, the titties were getting stabbed, so they were kind of weird. Then there were some titties, like, an hour later, but by then I was totally snoozing. I also heard that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with a dong. That shit's crazy, man! They shoulda totally showed that dude in the mask stabbing her dong. That would've been awesome.

Monday, May 18, 2009

More BJ tips

Don't forget to ejaculate regularly, to make sure the taste stays fresh. Just like with food, the longer your semen stays in there, the less fresh the taste will be. Just try eating 4-day-old donuts and you'll see what I mean! - Lazzo, Holland

When you know he's about to come, I find its best to direct it into the side of your mouth and then swallow it in one big gulp. That way you don't choke on it and you can hardly taste it. - S., Lancaster

You never know what a guy will taste like, so every time I give a blow job, I tell the guy if he wants me to swallow, to put his hand over my mouth after he cums and make me swallow it. No matter how bad it tastes, even if he cums a lot, I always swallow doing it this way. I may feel like barfing, but the feeling passes when a man's strong hand covers my mouth and his other rubs the front of my neck and forces me to swallow his cum. - Brad, California

I personally really enjoy the flavor of my bloke's load...but not after 4 shags in a short space of time, as it gets a bit too salty. If you make sure the first time he cums is when you're giving him head, the better it'll taste. Otherwise, just keep some water nearby. The salt's always good for a sore throat, though! - B., Essex

Hold your breath as you swallow. I learned this because of my parents forcing me to eat ethnic foods that were disgusting. I would hold my breath as I swallowed and I would not taste a thing. Having something handy to wash the cum down is a good idea as well. This has worked for me every time. - Anonymous, L. A.

I am a girl who love, love, loves the taste of my boyfriend's cum! The three best tips I can offer: (1) The flavor and texture of cum noticeably improve when he drinks 3 plus quarts of filtered water a day. (2) Have your guy rinse with plain water instead of washing with soap, so he'll be clean but won't smell like tallow soap or synthetic fragrance -- which are extremely rank smells that clash with his sexy natural aroma. (3) I treat myself to leisurely and generous sniffs of his hair, face, neck, his armpits, his balls, and under his balls. Really taking the time to smell him all over makes for an unbeatable olfactory smorgasbord that goes beautifully with the taste and smell of his cum. Smelling him is a very intimate and fun experience for both of us, and it stimulates the wild animal in me like little else. - J., San Francisco

When I know he's about to cum, I just keep him deep in my throat, let the cum pool there, and then when I can feel he's finished shooting, swallow in one big gulp. This usually gets a big moan - something about my throat muscles tightening at the moment of swallowing. - Niki, Canada

I found out from girls who give head that the best tasting cum is either from a guy who drinks lots of juice, or from a very long blow job. So girls, take your time, and guys hold back. Guys, if you need to, just so you don't come so fast, take a break part way through and eat her out also. - Anonymous, Buffalo

In the beginning, I would just try swallowing, and would choke. I learned to swallow by first swallowing something right beforehand to get my taste buds ready. After a while, you will get used to it and won't need the added help - it will be just you, your partner and the cum. - Z., California

Just find a guy who's got nice tasting spunk and stick with him. - W., U. K.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XX

“Any sign yet?” Hayden Grant barked over the radio.

“Negative. We’re still looking,” came the response amid the fluttering of the helicopter’s blades.

“What about the satellite images?”


“They’re in the woods. Get back here and pick me up. Then we’ll track them by infrared. If anything’s pumping blood, we’ll be able to spot it from the air,”

“Affirmative. Returning to your twenty now. ETA, five minutes.”

Grant continued to rummage through the boy’s effects. He had remained on the ground in hopes of picking up a clue to where Rabbit Bradley might go. Van Gogh had discovered the open window in the boy’s room and had run outside, but Grant was not so easily fooled. He had observed a room in disarray except for a pristine shrine to athleticism atop the boy’s dresser and one trophy which had unceremoniously been dislodged from its rightful place. It now lay on the floor next to the chest of drawers. Grant had peered into the closet and noticed the trap door leading to the attic. He had pulled the chair from the computer desk and hoisted his head through the opening. From there he could see a trail, through dust disturbed, leading the length of the house to a circular vent at the far end.

Grant had dropped to the floor and radioed Van Gogh immediately to return to the chopper and get his ass in the air. While the eyes shifted to the sky, Grant had continued his search of the Bradley boy’s room and now had him sifting through papers and drawings on the computer desk. There in the corner, he found an envelope marked, “Homework” and opened it to study a crude diagram and map of a hiding place in the woods. “Thanks very much kid.” Grant folded the paper and tucked it into a side pouch on his hazmat suit before departing to meet the chopper.

In the corner of the living room Richard Bradley’s lifeless body lay slumped against a stone fireplace, a streak of brownish blood scuffed on the wall behind him in a swatch over taupe. His upper body smouldered and his ribcage was exposed through tattered shards of clothing and muscle. Melted flesh and lung oozed out of the open chest cavity. The blast of Grant’s weapon had caused his internal organs to dissolve, killing him almost instantly.

The growing noise of the chopper hummed from over the tree tops and the wind began to pickup, as the metal bird drifted earthward to the field beside the Bradley house.

Grant looked at the latest addition to his body count. “See,” he said. “I told you we’d get the boy with, or without your help.”

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Amazing yard sale finds

You know, everyone always laments about how they can't find the perfect toy for their kid at X-mas because they're all gone in the shopping frenzy.

Well I'm here to tell you theirs a gold mine out their in toys at your local yard sale. Buy now for literally nothing and don't worry this yule tide season.

Here are some of the amazing purchases I made last weekend for the kids in our family.

Creepy Michael Jackson-like doll for my nephew Steven.
Cost: I was told to just take it....Please!

Brain with legs for my friend's wunderkind kid Nancy
Cost: $0.75

Little Vampire soother kit for my next door neighbor's new born.

Cost: $0.35 but I'll probably have to give it to them by Halloween.

But there you go most of my Christmas shopping for the kids is done for just over a buck.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Starting by the numbers

The 20 worst Bill Cosby impersonations. I like to play them all at the same time so it sounds like a room of babbling idiots talking about pudding.

The 47 best and worst twist endings to movies. Spoiler alert!

The 15 funniest 5 second movies.

100 of the best movie lines in 200 seconds.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XIX

Graham Sheppard panted, trying to catch his breath before he spoke. “I`m here to help you and you have to promise you won`t try to yell, or run if I let you go. Do you understand, Rabbit?”

Rabbit looked up at the man, his hand still firmly across his mouth, his other coiled around the boy’s body like a boa constrictor.

“My name is Sheppard and I have a car parked on the other side of the tree line next to the road, but I can’t carry you and we need to move quickly.”

Rabbit nodded affirmatively and Sheppard relaxed his grip letting the boy go. “Come on. This way.”

The two traveled with a pressing speed and tree branches whipped their faces as they ran. They emerged free of the tree line to a small stretch of field beyond which sat a police cruiser on the shoulder next to the road. The grass was tall and wet, slowing their progress as they waded out into the open. Beyond the trees the faint sound of a fluttering helicopter, powering up and going airborne faded in on the wind.

Sheppard stopped dead in his tracks. He threw out his arm in front of Rabbit like a railroad crossing gate. “Wait!”

The sound was becoming more disenable and growing in clarity. Sheppard knew they were sitting ducks out in the open. “Quick! Back to the woods!”

The two pivoted and scampered back the way they’d come, reaching the tree line edge as the thundering blades of the chopper blew past them, seemingly not far above their heads. Sheppard watched as the helicopter buzzed the police car and then turned sharply, circling in for another pass. They know Rabbit’s still in the area and now they know he has help. It won’t be long before they upload satellite images and go to infrared.

Sheppard tugged at the boys arm. “We can’t stay here. Is there some place you know of, close by, where we can hide for a while?”

“The safe house!”

“What is it?”

“A place in the woods a mile and a half from here, where me and my friends hide from time to time.”

“Take me there!”

“I’m not going without my Dad.”

Sheppard looked at the boy earnestly. “Your father, is he back in the house?”

Rabbit nodded solemnly.

Sheppard shook his head. “I’m sorry. It’s just too dangerous, but I promise, if we have a chance, we’ll come back for him.” Sheppard sensed the boy already knew his father was dead, but needed to hear some reassurance.

Rabbit looked up at him. “Thanks,” he said. “I know we won’t be able to come back, but it means a lot that you would if we could.” Rabbit wiped new tears from the corner of his eyes then turned and began to lead Sheppard to the safe house.

Periodically the chopper could be heard scalping the tree tops as it whizzed by, criss-crossing the area in a strategic grid to find the boy and his accessory. Sheppard knew he was as good as dead if they caught them now. They’d pin the murder of Richard Bradley on him and probably add the kidnapping of Rabbit to it as well- a cherry on the whipped topping. As for as the boy, he’d probably end up like the others, sent to Nellis, or one of a hundred other Air Force Bases around the country, for study and experimentation.

As they moved deeper into the forest, the sounds of the chopper began to fade and Sheppard had renewed hope, they had evaded their pursuers for now. Through the tree line a house could be seen in the distance and Rabbit slowed his pace. “That’s Old Man Vilgrain’s place. We’re not far now.”

Rabbit shifted his direction to the right and led Sheppard through some underbrush of bramble and stinging nettles. There were many trees overturned and uprooted now. Many were covered in moss and stank with the musty, cool, wetness of decay. “There!” Rabbit said. “That’s the place!”

Sheppard looked at what Rabbit had referred to as “the safe house”. It was the rotting carcass of a huge tree that had fallen and lay across a small gully. It had fir and Douglas Pine branches, obviously placed, across the hollowed-out mouth of the gully and toad stools sprouted up from the rot of the wood like a miniature city of condos. It also had several symbols etched into the bark with a knife. Some were crudely hewn and others more detailed. On the ground, an array of large rocks lay in scattered dormancy, where other trees around them had no such rock formations.

I’m sure to a twelve-year-old, that’s the most secret hiding place in the world, but it’s the first place I’d look for a child if I was scouring these woods. They might as well have a blinking neon sign saying “look here”.

Rabbit looked at Sheppard and shook his head in disgust. “This is the best place right now. There is nowhere else.”

Did the kid just read my thoughts?

“Come on.” Rabbit said. “We should get out of sight while we plan our next move and by the way, I’m no child.”

Sheppard felt a chill on his spine as he lurched forward to follow the boy. Somehow he believed that their roles had suddenly been reversed and he was now counting on Rabbit to save him from imminent danger.

The two stepped over other fallen trees, working through the labyrinth of soft decomposition to the hollow as branches cracked under their foot-fall. As they drew closer Sheppard could now see the etched art work more clearly. Most were just symbols- logos representing their fort, or club, but a few caught his attention for other reasons. On one side, a pyramid dissected at the top with an eye carved into the top triangle peered out vigilantly. To the right of it, what appeared to be a double helix, except the artist had overlaid another line as if to correct a previous mistake. Between the two symbols was etched a scarab beetle- an Egyptian sign of power, protection and reincarnation.

“Rabbit, who did this?”

“Me and my friend Jeffery. His carvings are mostly over there.” Rabbit said, pointing to the cruder etchings. “He thought it would be cool to dress the place up like the cavemen did.” Rabbit seemed sad as he said this.

“How did you know to carve these symbols?” Sheppard said, pointing at the trio of etchings.

“I don’t know. I see them in my dreams sometimes, I guess.”

“It’s a very profound mix of signs, except, your double helix is wrong. It has one too many strands.”

“It’s not wrong.”

Sheppard was now very excited. His memories of Marty Stevenson up at the cabin came flooding back to him. How Marty had told him about the Indigo Children from Trinity and their three strands of DNA. He had known for some time there was a vested interest in the Bradley boy, but now everything was falling into place as to his true importance.

Inside the net of branches, in the safe house, a few twigs snapped and someone, or something stirred.

Sheppard pulled his gun from his jeans and pointed it at the pile of branches. They got here before us, but how? “I have a gun. Come out slowly, or I’ll shoot! Keep your hands where I can see them!”

“Put the gun away.” Rabbit urged.

“Not until I know it’s safe.”

“It’s safe.”

Two hands poked through the wall of bush. They were muddy and too small to be the hands of an assassin. “Don’t shoot. Please!” A small-framed girl emerged from hiding as she pushed back the make-shift doorway. Her eyes were streaked with dark rivers of dried tears and her eyes were wide with fear under her tangled mess of hair.



The two ran to one another and hugged deeply and Amber began to weep. Sheppard returned his gun to hiding behind his belt buckle. Great! I’m running a daycare.

Rabbit turned back to look at Sheppard with an untrusting gaze.

Sheppard apologized. “Sorry. Don’t mind me. Although I think it might be better to continue this reunion out of sight.”

Rabbit returned his eyes to Amber. “This is Mr. Sheppard. He’s here to help us. Don’t be afraid.”

Amber sniffed and seemed to calm down. Rabbit led her by the hand and crouching down disappeared back into the gully with Amber trailing behind him. Sheppard dropped to all fours and crawled in. Inside, under the tree, it wasn’t nearly as dark as Sheppard had envisioned. Amber and Rabbit were still holding hands as they turned to sit. They seemed to give off a dim light that added shape to their surroundings. Sheppard’s eyes quickly adjusted and he could make out a dark blue tarp that had been stapled to the tree above them to keep the ground beneath them dry. A small shelf wedged into the dirt wall of the gully held a few flashlights, a small radio, some comic-books in clear plastic bags, and a few pudding cups lobotomized through their opened flaps by plastic spoons. On the ground a few blankets covered the soil for comfort and the occasional chocolate bar wrapper and empty soda can gave the hiding place that lived-in look.

Amber stayed close to Rabbit. She was shivering and Rabbit place one of the blankets around her, holding it in place with his arm.

“I’m sorry Rabbit. I had nowhere else to go. My parents....”

“I know Amber. It’s all going to be OK.”


Rabbit thought better of adding to her angst, so he simply said, “We took him to the hospital in Martin City. He’s there now.”

Sheppard sat cross-legged and felt the gun dig into his groin. He shifted his position for fear of blowing his balls off. “Does this radio work?”

“Yes, but the batteries are weak.”

Their new guardian’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “I’m glad to see you were saving them for an emergency.” He grabbed the radio from the shelf and switched it on. He thumbed through the channels. The oldies still played from WFSH in Whitefish and the Rock pounded out of the station in Butte. The weather forecast predicted a clearing trend over the next forty-eight hours and the news led off with increasing friction with the North Koreans. There was no mention what-so-ever of what was going on in Coram and the surrounding area. The world was still oblivious to what was transpiring on the outskirts of Glacier National Park.

“We’re going to have to move soon.”

“Why?” Amber said, her voice still fluttering in shock. “Can’t we just stay here?”

“I’m sorry honey, but we’ll need to get food, supplies and night will be here soon. It’s going to get very cold out here in the woods.” Not to mention, they’ll soon be tracking anything with a heartbeat.

“What do you suggest Mr. Sheppard?” Rabbit said.

“What about the house? Vilgrain was it?”

“No! We can’t go there. Old Man Vilgrain hates me. He won’t help!”

“Listen son, we have to do something. Waiting here will do us no good. Look, you stay here and I’ll check it out. When I’m sure it’s safe I’ll come back for you.”

This course of action seemed preferable to Rabbit and he nodded his approval while tightening his grip on Amber.

Sheppard took his watch off and handed it to Rabbit. “If I’m not back in twenty minutes, I want you to take Amber and head for Malcolm Buck’s over at the TPE. Be as cautious as you can and make sure no one sees you. I’ll try to meet you there.”

Grahame Sheppard crawled from the gully and replaced the tree branch doorway. He moved with stealth in the direction of the house he’d seen through the trees when Rabbit had led him here. The day seemed a little brighter and he could see scraps of blue now peeking through the tree line from the late afternoon sky. The darker clouds had moved off to the east toward Glacier National Park and Sheppard deemed, now would be the perfect time to move out into the open without fear of being exposed to the rain. He reached the edge where the trees cleared into the face of an expansive field. There in the midst stood Vilgrain’s house, a wart on the flowing lake of golden grasses.

Sheppard stepped out from his cover but was suddenly struck with urgency. Above him in the sky was a web of vapour trails crisscrossing in all directions and slowly dissipating into wider wisps of white. Chemtrails! That’s how they’re poisoning everyone. No time. We have to move now!

Why? because fear sells

Now maybe you'll start reading the book?....OH! and happy Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Better red than dead

They`re the same thing really........

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Are you story board?

As we continue our exploration of Star Trek the phenomenon, you might say, "Hey I could do a better job." The movies and series really bore me.

Well, here's your chance smart guy.

Go here and create you own Star Trek story board

Monday, May 04, 2009

To boldly go

With the new Star Trek film set to open...or is it the new-old Star Trek film...I don't know anymore, I thought it would be cool to pay hommage to the series of films etal. this week.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those dudes who dresses up and goes to conventions, pulling my member to cries of, "Fuck the green bitch JIM!"

It's just there are a lot of funny parodies out there that should be explored. Like this one.

A history of Star Trek porn clips.

Now you really can yell, "Fuck the green bitch Jim!" and mean it.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XVIII

Richard Bradley let the SUV crawl up the driveway next to the porch and shut the engine off. He looked at his son. Rabbit gazed back at him with a deep worldliness he had not seen in the boy before. “What now Dad?”

“We wait. The men should be here soon. They’ll help and take us out of...whatever is happening here.”

The rain had dissipated for the time being leaving only a pall of grey skies and the vacuum silence of the car's interior.

Rabbit nonchalantly unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car. He walked up to the house like someone suddenly condemned to death row and disappeared in side.

Despite his rugged exterior, Bradley felt a sudden surge of emotion push to the surface and his eyes filled with wetness. He rubbed at them with his fists and checked his composure in the mirror. That’s when he noticed the blood. It was oozing from his eyes. My God, it’s happening to me. He reached into the glove compartment and pulled a tissue from a packet. He dabbed at his eyes until he had stopped the flow. In the distance the low flutter of a helicopter could be heard fading in and out on the wind. They’re here! Thank Christ! Finally!

Richard Bradley found hope now in his despair. He got out of the car and ran to the house. Rabbit was standing in the foyer facing him, straight as an arrow, gently rubbing his fingers as if trying to remove a stickiness. Bradley stopped in his tracks. “They’re here son. Grab a coat.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“What? What do you mean, Rabbit? You can’t stay here it’s not safe.”

“It’s not safe where we’re going either.”

Bradley looked at his son dumb-founded. The chopper started its decent and the wind began to pick up rustling the trees outside.

“Do you remember my mother?”

“What? I don’t see what that has to do with....”

Rabbit almost yelled. “Do you remember my mother?!”

Bradley turned his head and looked at the boy sideways. “Yes. Yes I remember her.”

“It’s not safe and I’m not going.”

Rabbit was now eerily calm and Bradley was becoming freaked out by his son’s sudden outburst. In his mind he tried to excuse the rationale as shock over the death of his best friend Jeffery, or the sickness that seemed to be all around them, in Bradley’s own body now. Yet, deep inside a voice screamed in panic that his boy was right and it wasn’t safe....anywhere. He turned around to watch the chopper land. Two figures in full camouflage hazmat suits jumped from an open side and started, with some urgency, toward the house with guns drawn.

Richard Bradley turned back to his Son. “Rabbit I want you to go to your room and stay there until I tell you to come out.”

“You have to come with me Dad.”

“Rabbit! Do as I say!”

Rabbit ran to his room, as his father moved quickly to the bureau to retrieve the hand gun he kept hidden under folded-up blankets and table cloths. He watched as his father tucked the gun into a crevice between the small of his back and his jeans. He turned and told his son to be quiet, but even as Rabbit closed the door to his room, he could see the light, the blue aura, growing rapidly around his father.

Rabbit moved to the window of his bedroom and opened it enough to climb out, but instead he scaled his dresser by the closet and reached around to the ceiling inside, above his clothes. The tingling and sick feeling was growing in every nerve and Rabbit fought to hold back the tears. He pushed on the trap door until it swung upward. From the top of his dresser he hoisted his body through the opening, knocking one of his track trophies to the floor in the process. Once inside the attic, he closed the trap door and began to crawl the length of the house to the circular vent just above the back veranda.

Below he could hear voices, his father’s and another man with a much rougher register. He stopped to listen. The other man’s talking was muffled through his suit. “Mr. Bradley, we’re here to take you and the boy to safety.”

“By gun point? Are we under arrest or something?”

“Where is the boy?”

“First tell me what’s going on. Why am I bleeding from my eyes? And others...”

“There’s no time to explain now.” The first man instructed his partner. “Find the boy!”

“Now wait a goddamn minute!” Richard Bradley said. “This is my house and my son isn’t even here.”

The first man was becoming impatient. “You were given specific instructions to return home with the boy and wait for us. Now, where is he?”

“I left him with a friend. I thought under the circumstances....”

-“Who? Where?”

“You know,” Bradley said. “You’d think someone sent to rescue us would be a little more courteous.”

From what Rabbit could now hear, there appeared to be a scuffle going on, as feet danced out of rhythm below him. A gun shot rang out and a shaft of light appeared close to the boy as the bullet ripped through the ceiling and past him into a beam of wood. Rabbit flopped to his belly while the struggle continued. Slowly he inched himself to the hole. Peering through it, he saw a man with shiny boots push his father to the wall in an arm-bar. The gun fell harmlessly from Richard Bradley’s hand. The other, taller man kicked it away with his foot.

The shiny boot man turned to the taller one. “Tear the house apart, see if he’s here!” Then he turned to Richard Bradley. “Either we get the boy with your help, or without it. Personally, I hope it’s the latter.”

Bradley thrust his head back with all his might into the face mask of his captor, cracking the glass and breaking free of the shiny-boot-man’s grip. He charged to the corner out of Rabbit’s vision to retrieve the gun. He saw the man with the shiny boots raise his firearm. There was a sound unlike anything a gun would make and Rabbit heard a body drop to the floor. My Dad! They killed him!

Gasping and panicked, the fear gripped him, forcing him to crawl with great haste. A smell of burning, like orange peel set ablaze, reached his nostrils. Below him rummaging could be heard as the two men overturned furniture and kicked open doors in an effort to find him.

In no time Rabbit was at the vent and pushed it until it was horizontal and he could squeeze out the opening onto the back porch roof. From there he jumped for the tree branch of the oak tree, hanging for a moment like a tire swing, before thumping to the ground and running with all his speed for the cover of the trees.

Once behind the solace of the foliage he turned back to the house. He saw the taller man emerge around the side of the building looking for signs on the ground. They know I was in the house. I have to get away, but my Dad?

Rabbit’s head swam. His thoughts and senses were scrambled in an unintelligible soupy static like someone scanning through radio stations all at once. Yet, he couldn’t leave Jeffery that time at Old Man Vilgrains’ And he wasn’t about to leave his father now, even if they had killed him.

Suddenly a hand came over Rabbits’ face. “Gotcha!”

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Jizz, puke, what`s the difference....oh right.

Remember the Jizz in My Pants song. Remember how you laughed then went and made a sandwich....and jizzed in your pants.

Now the ladies have a response.....

You pets are on drugs #6

Not really a pet, but on drugs none the less.

Here comes yardsale season

A little too early for yard sales you say?

Well you're missing out on the bargoons!

Just check out these sweet purchases I made this morning.

Bacon Lube cost: $0.45

Wow! If I'm ever disinterested in sex, GIGC will just rub a little of this on her cooch and I'll come running!

Harptallica CD cost: $0.25

Nothing says I'm the man like basting Metallica covers in my car with the windows down and nothing says I'm really the man, when those covers are all done on harps.

Further note: I didn't buy the Beatallica CD. They're sooooo pun intended.

Pin the Ovaries on the Uterus Game (Milton Bradley) cost: $1.50

Not as good as the bacon lube, but I had to do something after GIGC always complained when I pinned the real ovaries. Yet, it should be lot's of fun to play this at the next family gathering.