Monday, February 28, 2005

Controversies surround Blog Playoffs

A close well fought battle was marred by poor officiating and a controversial goal yesterday in the South Central Division Semi-final as Najaf-abad struggled back but fell to Exoticwaverley 3-2. Despite Najaf’s protests and a further review, a questionable goal was allowed to stand. The goal in question gave Exoticwaverly a 3-0 lead and would end up as the winner. Referee/judge/linesman/official Lars Koulderfrump who called the play, did not backdown from his decision and said, "Dem A-rabs could holler all they liked." The game itself was a tense affair and despite lapses in iambic-pentameter Exoticwaverley hung on in the late stages as Koulderfrump repeatedly penalized Najaf-abad for boring pictures. With the win Exoticwaverly moves on to the Southern Central Final.

Blog official Koulderfrump dies in explosion

Blog Arena of Death official Lars Koulderfrump was killed yesterday when his car inexplicable became a raging fireball after a controversial game in the South Central Division Semi-final. Koulderfrump had made several questionable calls during the game and in the dying minutes, (no pun intended), which outraged not only Najaf-abad, but the home town following. Investigation is still pending.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Multi Blogs dead ahead!

I'm blowing my nut today, uncorking the nostrils and letting it all jettison. It seems uncharacteristic I’d agree, but I just feel like it. After all, none of us know if we will be here tomorrow right? If you want some assurance than maybe you should visit the good people at Death Clock to see how much time you have left, otherwise just read on.

Death wish list

I've been to, too many funerals over the last few months. The most recent was for a dear friend Nelson Da Silva who lived life like he knew it was ending. In fact, if someone had come to him and told him that February 20th 2005 would be his final day here among us, I don’t think he would have changed a damn thing. He would have been just as kind hearted, just as thoughtful and selfless, just as humorous and he would have partied just as hard. It makes me think of how I would deal with similar news if I knew. So in the spirit of the man we lost, I present to you 10 things I want to do before I die.

1) Lie naked in Times Square, (not that anyone would notice).
2) Visit a Gulag with a guy named Bubba Joe.
3) Eat sushi off Cate Blanchett’s naked body.
4) Pee in the water at Pottahawk as people walk by smiling. (Wait cross that one off the list)
5)......maybe it would be better if I put it down in song. Come on sing with me:

I’d go muff diving
I’d break some poor virgin’s hymen
I’d last 9.7 seconds on escort named Blue Sue
I’d poke my own rear
Just like Richard Geer
And I’d look at all the porn that money could buy
That’s what I would do if I could live like I was dying

Nelson you will be missed. Posted by Hello

South central face-off

The playoffs are heating up this time the battle of the behemoths takes place in the South Central Division this Sunday. vs in another showdown for The Blog Arena of Death title. There is plenty of trash-talking going on between these two opponents. The game itself is too close to call, like choosing between falling balls first onto razor sharp steel into a pool of vinegar and iodine, or falling balls first onto razor sharp steel into a pool of warm human excrement and cow intestines.
Not much difference, but either way you're in a world of hurt. In case you choose to watch the Oscars instead the score will be posted here Monday.

Give em the Dirty Sanchez

Last night Motley Crue played in town. Although I wasn't present at the show I'm sure it carried a cheese factor of 9.2 Perhaps I'm just distraught that they didn’t play a venue closer like the Mitchieville Memorial Arena instead of the ACC? Or it could be I still harbour I’ll feelings toward a music business that so callously tossed me on the dung heap so many years ago? Or maybe I just don’t like bands that have umlauts in their name?

The real reason is, I know that the air was ripe with mindless phrases from the book of MCs like "Hello (insert city name here) You guys are the best." Which would be followed by the donning of a sweater displaying a local sports team. For some reason audiences eat up those asinine questions like "Are you ready to Rock?" Does intelligence suddenly depart at the click of a lighter when the house lights dim? It makes me mad and I feel like giving the whole industry a Dirty Sanchez. Since I can’t do that I will settle for giving a D.S. to Britney Spears. If you feel like I do, or if you are simply having a shitty day, go to the link and do it. You’ll feel better.

Ready for the big O?

This Sunday is the 76th annual Oscars. Many of you will be yawning at this moment but that’s because you don’t know how to party. Around the ol’ hacienda, the Oscars are bigger than Jesus (Thank Christ I just sold my Beatle collection) Every year for the last five we’ve designed parties around this blessed event and had one rip-roarin-dirty-sanchez-of-a-time. However, I’ve wondered much the past few years as the winners pull those pages from their pockets and rambled off their speeches, what happens to the prepared speeches of the losers?

Now I have the answer my friends. Retrieved from the waste paper basket at last year's Oscars, excerpts of acceptance speeches you never heard.

Actual winner- Sean Penn (Mystic River) best actor

Nominated- Ben Kingsley (House of Sand and Fog)
"I promised if I won this I was going to take this gun and kill Sean Penn on national smile you Son of a bitch."

Actual winner- Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) best director

Nominated- Clint Eastwood (Mystic River)
"It's true what they say, the Always with wings is more comfortable. I didn’t think I was going to win. honestly I though Peter Jackson had this wrapped up. This is a dream come true yet again and I now feel I can retire with dignity. I was going to do another film called Million Dollar Baby but there’s no need to do it now. Thanks...for makin my day and my career."

Actual winner- The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - Art Direction: Grant Major; Set Decoration: Dan Hennah and Alan Lee

Nominated- Girl with a Pearl Earring - Art Direction: Ben Van Os; Set Decoration: Cecile Heideman


Actual winner-Foreign language film The Barbarian Invasions - A Cinémaginaire Inc. Production; Canada (Winner)

Nominated- Zelary - A Total HelpArt T.H.A./Barrandov Studio Production; Czech Republic
"Hahahahahaha! Yes, yes! In your face Barbarian Invasions everyone though you were going to win. You were so smug out there on the red carpet. So sure of yourself. Well, how do you say? 'You stupid fucks! Look at you now.' Boo frickity boo hoo and yes I actually wrote that down on my acceptance speech. "

Actual winner-Adapted Screenplay (The Lord of the Rings) - Screenplay by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens & Peter Jackson

Nominated- Braulio Mantovani (City of God)
(Excerpt of 19 pages) "I thought Lord of the Rings was going to win. Just as well so many people worked on that film they’d probably be up here for hours thanking everyone. We so rule. First I’d like to thank the big guy up stairs. No, not God, well I’d like to thank him too, but my neighbour Lars who stands 6' 7" thank you for being so noisy and keeping me up nights so I could write my adapted screen play. I’d like to thank the Academy for making a choice I know they won’t regret. Momma and Poppy, I know you are watching me from above. I’d also like to thank my children Cody, William, Zeek, Omar, Lily and little baby Jeffery, my cat mittens, all the girls down at the Canasta club, the mailman, the people involved in this film right down to the gaffers and best boy grip. I’d like to thank the makeup girl for putting the chocolate on the saucer next to my tea every morning. The great people in this industry who came before me let’s see in 1917 there were the following...."

Dutch ovens anyone?

It takes years, sometimes decades to achieve the comfort level where you can fart infront of your partner. To this day I still leave the room, let it go into an envelope and mail it to Peru (Sorry about that all you Peruvians) In our household there are no games of "pull my finger," "guess what's decomposing?" or "that's a bad kitty!" For those of you who have achieved a tier above the guilt, above the embarrassment, I salute you. Nay, I applaud you and your foul reek. Like the loving couple in the link it’s obvious that they have a great deal of passion for one another and display it in a sensitive caring way, giving the gift of flatulence. I can hardly wait until my girl's next birthday.

Have an Oscar beer for Nelson Dec 4, 1969 - Feb 20, 2005 Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Spot the gay guy

Don't have much time today people but it is after all rip-off Wednesday which means all my work has been done for me by someone else, other than Mitchieville. Below is a pic that I have reserved for just such a day as this, when my comment time is at a minimal. So enjoy and Just talk amongst yourselves.

The guy on the right do ya think? Posted by Hello

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

As the Blog turns

Bob: I’ve shoed the horses. Can I go now Mrs. Mumsey?

Mumsey: Yes, I see. Do they scare easily?

Bob: Who?

Mumsey: The horses.

Bob: Oh never mind....Since I’m done all my work I thought I could leave early.

Mumsey: (Noticing his manly pecs) I’m sure I could find something else for you to do around here....Bob is it? (walks her fingers up his sleave to his shoulder)

Bob: Yes Mrs. Mumsey, It's Bob. Bob Bloblaw.

Mumsey: Well young master Bob Bloblaw tell me what would you do about this? (lifts dress to expose her self.)

Bob: I’m sorry Mrs. Mumsey but the weedwhacker is broken.

Mumsey: Shut up! Come here and be the dirty little stable boy I know you can be. (Pulls Bob to her. They embrace.)

Tune in next week for another addition of As the Blog Turns.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Titanic west coast showdown ends in slaughter

The second showdown of this years playoff in The Blog Arena of Death was over before the first Blog was dropped as Blewbewy manhandled the up and comers Prairedog48 by the sad score of 11-1.

Kip McDougall called the game well but only had to use the word "scintillating" once and "cantillating" twice, all when his food arrived during the second half. Where the previous game had been a buffet of adjectives and metaphors this one fell flater than a pancake on the underside of my fat aunt Betsy's rotund behind, and even Kip could not keep things interesting with his whitty banter.

Blewbewy wove effortlessly through the "likes," "ums" and "you knows" while Prairedog48 sat back and did nothing. (You can only look at the word "test" for so long.) Even though I would rather put out my eyes with a hot poker than return to Blewbewy and her army of prepubescent teens running amok with their giggles and snorts and views of life that revolve around peer pressure and fifty shades of pink, they did play a smart game and won recognition for their tenacity at being the worst of the two. Thus they will move on to the West Coast Final to meet , hopefully, a more worthy opponent.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Apparently I missed something

Yeah, yeah, It's Sunday, I know. I'm still making up for lost time. I would like to make reference to a fine night out of light humor and social drinking during a birthday celebration 39 years in the making. We sipped our aperitifs from dainty cups with pinky fingers extended and as we discussed the heated waters of political indifference but by evening's end a euphonious time was had by all. The Mayor would have you believe a different scenario as described in his post. He is in the midst of a vicious Mayoral campaign and understandably has been known on occasion to stretch the truth just a tad if it will transend into the voters conciousness. Tell them what they want to hear and of course sex sells.

So, it is not surprising that he brought notice to the seismographic, tectonic movement of plates, perhaps even continental drift, as he graciously allowed his significant other to travel through the space, time continuum with the assistance of his engorged male member. With the help of Matt Stone & Trey Parker, the following link is a re-enactment, which I feel would be a little closer to the actual portrayal of last night's events given his resigned condition. Although, I see what he meant about the nightstand.

Re-elect the Mayor of Mitchieville. (this message paid for by the concerned citizens for the re-election of the Mayor of Mitchieville)

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Lucy, you got some splaining to do

I haven’t posted for a few days and this is what it’s come to, putting something up on the weekend. This is my "me" time and yet, I’m cutting a slice of that pie to blog something.

Actually, serious ghost in the machine this week my friends. I couldn’t get on to post Thursday because my server and my computer are in league with the devil. Oh it was something about a problem in my area, just click on tools, press internet options, blah de blah....sure and if I’d only draw a pentagram on my floor my troubles would be whisked away, right? I won’t bore you further.

Suffice it to say that by Friday I was just too drained to do anything other than drink heavily. Oh the things I had to post It would have marked my first multi-post blog ever. That’s right! I would have been pissing with the big dogs.

I had tons of things to comment on. I had my Just Be post. My Vatican views of their exercise in offering Exorcism courses. I had my Hockey rant that would appeal to 30, 000,000 Canadians and 14 Americans. I had my cleaver rebuttal to the Prime Minister’s gaff of telling Syrians they should get out of Syria. And I had my personal vendetta against those corporate whores at Ebay who cancelled one of my auctions because they said one of my items violated copyright protocol. Gawwd! It even sounds unseemly and I don’t mind telling you it made me feel a little dirty. Those bastards! It was like I was selling babies on the black market or offering bull semen to the highest bidder. There was even the run down of The blog Arena Death as two new blogs faced off in a titanic duel. But it’s all lost...gone, kaput, or as they in Timmins, "Stick a fork in her. She’s done eh!"

Why didn’t I simply post all that today you say, (Hello!...McFly!...Is there anyone home?) Because it’s yesterdays news.

So today in honor of yet another friend’s birthday, ( It was yesterday if you want to get technical), I’ve decided to post a little something that he sent me. I just couldn’t wait until rip-off Wednesday for this one. It’s extremely funny. Check it out at

Do it now, if not for me than for Birthday boy Stu, or those Beelzebub lovers at my server.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Oh baby it's cold outside

I know it’s rip-off Wednesday but before I get to the meat and potatoes, the gooey creamy filling, the pearl of sensitivity behind the folds of labia majora, I must first apologize for yesterday’s blog. In the words of Comic Book Guy, "Worst Blog ever!"

I must lay blame where blame is due. I can’t just say I was tired and leave it at that. I owe you a better explanation. I owe you the truth. The truth that someone hacked in to my blog and left that awful mindless dribble when I was out working. I promise to be more vigilant in the future and see that it never happens again. I will be finished work soon and can return to the ranks of the unemployed or in other words back to being a professional Hockey player.

Now that we’ve settled the issue on with something that I found humorous, in fact, almost pleasant. Again I have no idea where I got it, (Perhaps from that blog hacker guy?), but in the hope that more favorable weather will soon be here, and our air conditioners will be sucking up the juice and taxing an already overloaded grid, I present you this.

Oh baby it's cold inside Posted by Hello

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Who gives a flying flag

Today was Flag Day in Canada. Great, did anyone know? Would you know what to do if you did? Hey you want me to remember that February 15th is Flag Day then make it a statutory holiday. Mary , Jesus and jumpin Josheph it's winter, we need a friggin' break! Especially those of us who find ourselves working intermittently, if at all. Actually I did work today and as I am just now getting home I'm lucky to blog anything other than:

Today work. Work hard. Work long. Hungry. Tired...eyes shut now. Pain. Ow!

Monday, February 14, 2005

Them's fighting blogs

I wanted to do a piece on cats this weekend, in fact, I was discussing that very scenario only Friday on the phone with one of my cohorts. Next day, poof! Something similar and cat related shows up on the Mitchieville blog. Today I was going to talk about Valentine’s day. Lo and behold Mitchieville again has posted a similar subject. Now I ask you what are the odds?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not terribly upset. In all fairness, a few weeks back I beat him to the punch on the retard policy that he was salivating over, by posting it like premature ejaculate before the Mayor even awoke the following morning. He owed me one, but two? The Valentine issue has me pissed off. Personally I’d rather rub Tiger Balm on my scrotum than discus V-day. I have a great girl and we don’t need some trumped up day invented by greeting card companies to do something special for one another, but I’m running a little short of material these days and need all the fodder I can muster.

Since this is not Rip off Wednesday and it is also a travel day for the teams involved in the Blog Arena of Death, I have no choice but to try and come up with something original (oh the pain). I do however, have some questions about this freakish similarities where I defecate the ideas but Mitchieville is the first to wipe. I realize the Honorable Mayor has an important campaign coming up and he might be feeling the stress, but has he tapped my phone or bugged my house? Is he concerned about me, the man he has designated as his campaign manager? The guy who screens the interns, who checks the under carriage of the limo for explosives, who tastes the wine before he gulps away, who picks up all his porn under the name of Mr. Hunklefunk?

To be on the safe side I’m not taking any chances and I flushed the last of the crack. Did I say crack? I meant flushed my radiator. Anyway I’ve decided to put my little cat rant off til after the election, probably when the weather turns south yet again and I have to write blogs from the comfort of a cocoon of covers.

Tomorrow I was going to discuss how blind people don't bungee jump anymore because it scares the dog too much, but just check the Mitchieville blog I’m sure it will be there. Trust me.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Yesterday's Score

It was a close one sports fans as Botalabasura’s blog scored late in the game, once into an empty net, to beat Superkittyjumpsoff’s blog 2-0 and move on to the North East Division Final. I tell you there were some tense moments, (no silly, not in the game), as I channel surfed the upper 600's in an effort to find this gem. Thankfully the Italian government, in an eleventh hour decision, lifted the black-out and I was able to pick it up on ESPN4.

The two teams were evenly matched going in, having identical templates, but the fact that Botalabasura was unreadable for those who understand English only, worked to her advantage. Also Superkittyjumpsoff had some colorful pictures to look at that did not sit well with the judges and Botalabasura was able to wear down the opposition, capitalizing on the mistakes.

When reached for comment after the grueling contest Botalabasura said, "Sono contento che il mio sandwich non P stato mangiato." I don’t know what that means but you can go here to find out. See you next week when the Blog Arena of Death playoffs continue with another exciting match-up.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Game On!

Since Sunday’s Football battle of the behemoths, there is a subsequent lull in the sporting world. What? I’m suppose to watch basketball? I don’t think so. In an effort to keep the sport conscious mind active and a tiny tinge of excitement in the left testicle, (Joe please use your middle one), I introduce to you, the hopefully entertaining, and somewhat nauseating, NBA (National Blog Association), and The Blogging Arena of Death.

This is in part, due to my previous statement, "there are no major sporting events on the horizon," and part in protest to the Bloggies for snubbing The Mitchieville Rebels as the best new team on the Blog. The Mayor’s not Michael Moore or Jim Carey ya know. He has feelings. The man does cry.

As the Razzies are to the Oscars, I guess you could call this the best of the worst. (Yes I am all out of ideas). I have been clicking next on the dashboard with some regularity over the past weeks as the season came to a thrilling conclusion. Now I didn’t have time to surf all the boring Blogs out there so some of you will have to wait until next year. This is all luck, or bad luck, of the draw. I am not picking on anyone specific. If I was, I would simply testify that my Blog sucks-ass over all and be done with it. But why have a one day Blog when I can stretch this thing out like the Hockey playoffs?

There will be swell prizes for the winning Blog, or is that losing Blog? Not to mention the coveted Link Cup Trophy. So with out further delay, I would like to introduce today’s teams hot off victories over their competitors in North East Division quarter-finals. Lets have a big warm "Ciao" for she’s a 24 year old student from Italy, born in the year of the monkey, I can’t understand what the hell she’s talking about, but she seems like a nice girl.

and the challenger, right from my own backyard, another student, who spent most of the season in rehab and just barely squeaked into the playoffs and has already knocked off the team that finished first in The North East Division.

Let’s have a clean game here. Vote for the Blog you like least, comment or e-mail, the score will be tallied and the worst one moves on. This one’s going to be a real cat fight people. Game On!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

From Fat Tuesday to Rip-off Wednesday

Water has been discovered on Mars! Don’t believe me, check the picture below.

Actually I feel quite ashamed. Not for the picture, although, in all honesty it’s not that funny. When I was surfing Blogs it rated only 1 "Ha" and I’m not sure it was a laugh. It might have been a cough, with a little bit of throw-up. There’s been some strange flu bugs about lately. However, firstly, I am ashamed that I got you all worked up about nothing. The anticipation of this discovery might have caused some to have curiosity brain hemorrhages. I certainly don’t need angry e-mails coming in concerning this. My staff of one, (the cat), has enough problems trying to answer all the traffic he has now. Secondly, the reason I’m ashamed is, I seem to have misplaced the link that I got this from. How can this be Rip-off Wednesday if I can’t hold up my end of the bargain and tell you where I ripped this off from? My heartfelt apologies to someone out there for failing to give you the 1 "Ha," or "cough,"(with a little bit of throw-up), recognition you deserve.

Discovery on Mars Posted by Hello

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

A little more to the left Joe!

Just 1 more day until the newest discovery on Mars. Forget that! Today is Tuesday. Rip-off Wednesday is a whole day away so relax.

Today I want to talk about commercials. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see the really cool stuff on Sunday. The bar I went to still has rabbit ears on the big screen and some guy on the roof called "Smokin’ Joe", ( we call him "the Woodchipper", it’s a long story) All afternoon all I heard was, "A little more to the left Joe!" and all I saw were stupid ads for insurance claims, drinking responsibly, (Right on Super Bowl Sunday) and commercials for British underwear. As if the poor Brits don’t have enough problems with their teeth. Any-hoo, in case you come from a loser town like me and missed the real advertisements you can go to the link and see them for yourself. I liked the one for Ameriquest the best.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Monday morning sickness

Ok I’m a little late posting this morning. I went to watch some sporting-thingy where men wear helmets. The teams apparently take turns trying to keep the other from capturing a ball-thingy, which didn't look like a ball at all. Balls that I am familiar with are round, but I’m willing to suspend my disbelief. I guess they get points for style because there was a scoring system that increased as they game of keep-a-way continued. The one team called The Philadelphia Beagles, I think, were not as stylish. They lost. How could they not? Honestly who names a team after a timid house-pet? It was too loud, too smokey with too much booze and too much chili. Now I’m bloated. Damn those Beagles!

This brings me to the reason I’m posting today. I just got up and I’m still not functioning on all cylinders. Thus, here is a conversation I just had with my brain.

Me: Brain pick up the spoon.


Me: Come on pick up the spoon. It’s cereal for Christ’s sake. How am I going to eat it with my hands?


Me: I know you can hear me, you’re just being an ass this morning. Look! I’ll take you out for chocolate later...You can whistle that song you like that drives me crazy....I’ll even let you surf porn when we get on line (Ha, ha...sucker)


Me: Ok let’s compromise. Use the fork and I’ll just hold my face closer to the bowl.


Me: That’s great! After all I do for you, I want you perform I simple fuckin’ task so I don’t starve to death and you can’t even comply. You’re not allowed to take a vacation you know? Shit, you’re not allowed to take any time off. So listen to me, and follow these instructions. PICK UP THE DAMN SPOON!


Me: Oh why don’t you just pick up the knife and pluck out my eyes.


Me: Thank God you don’t listen.

(Don’t forget, in 2 days! The newest discovery on Mars)

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Retard Policy

I don’t usually post on weekends, but I am making an exception to pass along important information that might be useful to others. What can I say? I’m just that kind of guy.

I was out last night with the Mayor and a few buddies in one of the fine dining establishments in the boroughs of Mitchieville. We were celebrating the record breaking achievement of our friend Rob. He was turning 40 and still, except for the hair and the foreskin, had most of what he came into this world with. Spirits were high and the festivities were in full swing when all of a sudden, one of our friends who has graced the pages of the Mitchieville Blogger, accidently spilled a full pint of beer on the table. We watched it with stunned awe as the river of suds worked its way through peeks of condiments and valleys of napkins. We called the waiter over and with tongue placed firmly in cheek asked it the restaurant had a retard policy for such a blunder. You could almost hear the audible "Ha ha" in our request.

However, as the Birthday Gods would have it- Voila! They brought him another full beer to replace the fallen comrade. Now, this got me and the others at the table thinking, if most businesses have such a plan in place why not take advantage of it? Drink your beer, but leave a little in the bottom. Knock it over with an errant elbow, or ass cheek. Then amidst you apologies and declarations of stupidity, ask for another one.

In these days of outrages prices where the government gouges and reaches into your pocket like a pimp from a prostitute still on her knees, something has to be done. Enjoy and revel in this small victory, this silent revolution. Take back your balls, (not gender specific), and savor the simple pleasures once again. Drink your free beer.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Super Bowl move over there’s a new sport in town

I’m tired of all the hype about the Super Bowl. How badly are the Eagles going to lose? What kind of conditioner does Brady use on his hair? Is McNab really black or has he fooled us all? Sick, sick, sick, of it all! I don’t care if T.O. plays or not on Sunday. The only T.O. I care about is the city I live in and some days that’s a stretch. And don’t get me started on Hockey or Basketball, or Jai Alai. (shudder) I’ve decided to switch to a new sport you should consider too Strip Fighting. Click on the link, scroll down and select Strip Fight, you'll see what I mean.

Thursday, February 03, 2005


Seems like John Paul is Ok....everyone relax, but still, the guy is old and feeble and I think we should all be prepared for his demise at some point in the not too distant future. Here are some sites that specialize in memorabilia so you can remember the Pope in your own way. In the interest of taste, I left out "" and ""

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Ok the last one's false, but you can get great Pope John Paul stuff at the others.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

All groundhogs are fags

Punxsutawney Phil? Wiarton Willie? They’re both gay, more so this year because the news isn't good and I’ve already had it with winter. I don’t need another six weeks of frigid weather or to lose another apendage to frostbite.
Yet, the world's most famous furry forecaster saw his shadow Wednesday on Gobbler's Knob, (see, anyone at a place called Gobbler's Knob would be branded as homosexual)
The chubby critter delivered the prediction after he was pulled from his burrow in an oak stump at 7:31 a.m. by a top-hatted handler, and his prediction was greeted by boos from the thousands in attendance. (No shit!)
I'm tired of all the groundhog Hoo-ha! every February 2nd. I'm just returning from my peaceful National Holiday and I have to listen to this. At least if we are going to put predictions in the hands of those who crawl on all fours, (and I'm not talking about Paris Hilton), then it should be something more significant like six more weeks til the world ends. We need a fowl beast that can foretell the future. I’m not talking about (Jo Jo’s Psychic Hotline here people) I’m talking about a mythical beast that hibernates in snowy climbs and is more elusive than Sasquatch or the dreaded Black Beast of Angbor. It is the Governor Arnold predictor of catastrophic foreshadowing. Of course, I'm talking about the Giant Ferret beast of Bugtussle, (Part ferret, part centipede). Run for the bomb shelters!
Actually I swiped this from to launch a new section on the day most refer to lovingly or with loathing as Hump-day. I called it Rip-off Wednesday and subsequently will be posting amusing pictures that I stumble upon when navigating the maze of the Blog sea. If you find your stuff here, please know that you are loved and imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Next week: The newest discovery on Mars. Don’t miss it.

the giant Ferret beast of Bugtussle Posted by Hello

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The post January no post

Today is February 1st. To me it is a National Holiday. The holiday of ...anniversary day that guy (what was his name?), invented that thing...(you know?), that goes into that other dooflingus...well it’s my holiday and I’m proud of it! So today in honor of the holiday there will be no posting which is ironic I know, because in essence, I’m posting something. I don’t need anyone to point that out...really..................................oh yeah?...............infinity + 1!
Here is a site that will tell you when all the holidays are. For years I pretended to be Jewish just so I could have all those sweet-babies off. I don’t think I can even spell Rosh Hassha-na-na or Yawn Kippur? But it's a great site, good for fooling any boss and getting that elusive day off work. Are you aware that in Afghanistan they just had a holiday called "Mount Arafat Day"? Really...January 20th. Thank God they waited til the guy died at least!