Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I guess it’s a toss up between the ad for Tucker balls and Religious messages that have hounded my site over the past week. All of which has raised my ire. I found the Cat Oral ones amusing, but Trucker Balls? What’s next? Cock Sausage?
And I’m probably the most non religious person on the planet, but I find anyone who tries to push their beliefs on me, or anyone else for that matter, highly offensive.
So, ad sense has been moved...you know what?....I'm just going to delete the damn thing altogether. I’ll find my own affiliate programs. Something better suited and that makes more sense than the sense their pushing at Google.
Monday, February 26, 2007
I'm taking it easy today my friends. Every year the Oscars seem to wear me out a little, like I've been pile-driven, and I need a day or two to recoup. So this is the extent of today's post....what was up with Reese Witherspoon's chin anyway? Looks like someone either hit her with Kirk Douglas, or she bit off Ryan's manhood in the divorce and it's still lodged in her mouth.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Steller cast and everyone is good. Jack Nicholson is good, Leonardo DiCaprio is good, Mark and Robert Wahlberg are both good. There's a bunch of Sheens and a host of Baldwins including the almighty Alec Balwin...all good, good, good. Even Matt Damon is good in this movie by Christ!
However, with a cast like this it should be more than good. It should be spectacular. Why, even Martin, He shoots he Scorcese has toned down the violence to a level barely making me lift an eyebrow.
I guess it’s like GIGC often says to me in bed. "After all this time with me the sex shouldn't be be good. It should be spectacular".
And she’s right. I admit it. I need practice. And that’s what I intend to do. I’m going to go out and practice with as many women as I can find until I get it right. I will be spectacular.....I’d do anything for that woman.
Enjoy the Oscars.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
In a perfect world this movie wins best picture. Why? Just my opinion. I like quirky films like this one. But realistically It won’t.
I guess I really identify with the dysfunctional characters. It’s like looking into a mirror at my own family; the neurotic wife; the father who despite his positive attitude and best efforts always comes up short; the son who’s taken a self imposed exile, choosing not to speak; the gay brother-in-law who tries to commit suicide; the pill-popping, crass-talking, grandparent and the chubby daughter with delusions of grandeur.....OK, we don’t have a daughter, but we have a cat and you should see him do his Super Freak routine.....his Macarena ain’t bad either.
Tomorrow: The Departed
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The Queen was a good movie, however, I was disappointed. I waited for an actor depicting Freddie Mercury the whole film and he never appeared. All I got was James Cromwell as Prince Philip doing a very bad British accent, “I say lads, I nearly popped that stag with my trusty musket. Well, must run and tell the Queen Mum, ta-ta, pip-pip, cheerio, and all that sort.”
Believe it or not, he actually had three months of vocal coaching! I haven’t heard an accent that bad since GIGC tried her English accent which sounded more like a Southern U.S., Rastifarian, Baptist.
Helen Mirren did a remarkable portrayal in the lead roll. She looks like the Queen, she waves like the Queen, She even talks like the Queen- Cromwell are you taking notes? You know what? Why don't you just go back to trying to kill Jack Bauer....
All which leads me to believe she must be getting banged quite a lot by guys with Queen fetishes. "Come on baby! Knight my bishop and call me Sir Lance-a-lot.....No, leave the wig on."
In fact, I couldn’t fathom how many Queen Fetish sites there are on the internet.....thousands of them! I just opened one up in another window and I’m looking at it right now.....Oh wait that’s for something totally different....sorry....gotta go. Time to surf some porn.
Tomorrow: Little Miss Sunshine
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Let's forget all the talk about this being Brad Pitt's best movie roll ever, he's in it for five minutes....maybe six....and that's why you don't see his name in the best actor category. Who does he think he is? Anthony Hopkins?....And Cate Blanchett pees in a pot, the guys on Iwo Jima still have her beat. Why am I even bothering?
Below is a YouTube review of Babel in seven languages.....Thanks Babosa.... It sums up everything you need to know about this movie in a poignant succinct way I could never convey. Watch it.
Tomorrow: The Queen
Monday, February 19, 2007
I can’t remember an Oscar year where so many films, with subtitles, were up for awards. Hmm let’s see, Pans Labyrinth, Apocalypto, Babel, Borat, Blood Diamond, The Last King of Scotland, Happy Feet.....and Letters from Iwo Jima.
Subtitles, aside I rather enjoyed this film. Flags of our Fathers is a piece of crap compared to this. I’m beginning to think Clint Eastwood made that film just so you’d see how much better Iwo Jima was. Kind of like watching Sly’s new Rocky, (a decent film), but then watching Million Dollar Baby right after it--- no comparison.
I feel Letters deserves to take film of the year, for the following reasons:
Little Miss Sunshine is a dark comedy and they never win.
The Departed is a Scorcese directed picture and he never wins.
The Queen.....Has anyone even seen this film?
Babel is this year’s Crash. Since Crash won last year....law of averages.
That leaves Letters From Iwo Jima, which also has other elements that are missing from the other nominated films.
For instance no one shits in a pot, eats weed soup, or commits suicide with a hand grenade.....OK, besides in The Queen......Hey! I thought you didn't see that film?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
Linds was the only one with the balls to take me up on it and roll out her potty mouth.....It's why I love her so: The potty mouth and the balls and not as in testicles....you know what I mean.
Following is her post, for that post. Enjoy, and may God strike you down if you don't visit her Blog!
In a recent "survey/meme" I did online, it contained the question "What word do you use far too frequently?"
My response was thus:
"Fuck" or variations thereof... Fucked. Fucking. Fucker. Fucks. Fuckable. I'm such a dainty lady.
It's just such an awesomely versatile and powerful word; It's verb, noun, adjective, descriptor, exclamation, emphasis word... It can be used in so many different ways. It can even be used to accent itself! "You fucking fuck!" is always one of my favourite nastier snipes at inanimate objects. All of which I shouldn't use in front of my Grandma. (And usually don't.)
My favourite fridge magnet I've got on the fridge says: "I suppose saying Fuck you would be unprofessional?"
Be afraid for my children, dear ones. They are going to be the kids that have a shirt that says something like "My dad could kick your dad's ass!" or "All daddy wanted was a blow job." I'm well on my way to being honky Surrey white trash.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I've been amazed at the common thread all actors seem to share: The callous ability to fall in love quickly; to get married within hours of consummation; to fall out of love even quicker; and hide behind "irreconcilable differences" in a divorce a week later.
Seems to me, with a craft that demands so many hours in a multitude of exotic locations, you'd have more sense about getting hitched.
If it was me, I'd just make my millions and fuck when the need presented itself- three,four times daily. After all, isn't that why you're given a trailer?
But breakups are good for tabloid business and sell advertising on car wrecks like E-True. So it shouldn't come as a surprise so many are throwing their hats into the Anna Nichole baby ring vying for paternity....Who's next? Ellen Degeneres?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
And let's put the rumours to rest. By out of my element I don't mean I'm currently wearing assless chaps in a gay biker bar.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I’ve set aside this post, not only to recommend excellent additions to your music collection, but to make amends with sects of the population I may have offended in my posts during the course of the week.
It looked like I was going to get through the week without having to apologize to anyone, then Anna Nicole Smith kacked. Now, I have so much to choose from— religion, fat chicks, dead people, cross dressers, addicts- I’m not sure what I could post to cover everyone?... Thank you Anna Nicole!
Since I’ve already done the dead, did the addicts last week and I’m forever apologizing to the religious zealots anyway, I’ll try to kill as many birds with one stone, with no pun intended to the dead, animal activists, or the addicts.
As not to further offend, cross dressers, animal activists, the overweight, and the makers of stupid hats, this week I recommend: My Turtle's Dead! by Weela Gallez
Friday, February 09, 2007
That’s a picture of her BTW for those of you who’ve been living at the bottom of an outhouse with a digital camera.......Come home Herb! It’s cold out and Mom’s getting worried.
After all, this is the Friday link and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to sit here and discuss how someone must have told Anna Nicole, God was an old fuck who has lots of money so she better get up there quick.
I will however, direct you to our old friends at the Death Pool so you can see how many people cashed in with correct predictions she’d kick the bucket.
Besides Anna Nicole will always be here with us. She will live on in the embodiment of female impersonators everywhere in Elvis proportions....you know, “fat Anna Nicole” or, “thin Anna Nicole”.
So, go to the link and while you're there, why not sign up? Pick you're own soon to be dead guys.......and no, I'm not on the list.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
When looking for a handy sex aid, many of us turn to the produce aisle for inspiration--- I know I did when I worked in the industry--- and a dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.
While the humble cucumber and its comrades have served well, there are some more elaborate creations out there for the right devious mind. Take for instance....
The Classic Cucumber Dildo
The cucumber is a time-honored favorite from the refrigerator. Now it's been updated with a bullet vibrator and a celery stick clit stimulator.
Cut off the end of a cucumber and dig a hollow in it about twice as long as your bullet vibrator. Cut a length of celery about four inches long. About an inch from the open end of the cuke, cut a hole in the side just big enough to fit the celery. Push the bullet vibe all the way in, then insert the celery stalk, pushing it down behind the bullet. You'll feel the vibrations deep inside while the celery ridges tickle your clit. You'll be halfway to a tossed salad in no time.
The Papaya Pussy
The super slick flesh of this fruit combines with smooth slippery seeds creating a sensation you won't soon forget.
Select a ripe papaya long enough to fit your penis but small enough to hold comfortably in one hand....if you're Bob Noxious you'll need two papaya.
Cut a hole in the round end (not the stem end) a little smaller than your penis. Remove most of the pulp and loose seeds from the inside, leaving some attached to the sides to make "ridges". The papaya is ready to use at this point, but you can also add vibration. At the stem end, cut a small hole through the meat of the papaya perpendicular to the tunnel and slide in a small bullet vibrator.
Cucumber Melon Ball
Once you get past the image that this thing looks like a Disney character you should be fine. Insertion of a cucumber dildo into the melon base is so it an be "ridden". Also note the addition of a vibrator and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation.
Cut two holes in a melon a couple of inches apart. Size the holes so that your cucumbers will fit in snugly. Cut a few inches off the end of a cucumber, carve ridges into the surface, and hollow out the base to fit a bullet vibrator. Cut a small notch in the base to accommodate the wire when the piece is inserted. Fit the bullet in place and insert the cuke section into one of the holes, then push the other whole cucumber into place in the other. This can be ridden facing either direction, with the vibrating element pressing against the clit or anal area.
English Cucumber Double Dong
You and a friend can share your love of produce with this two-ended toy. Select the longest English cucumber you can find. One with a curve to it is ideal. Near the center of the cuke, carve out two small holes in which to insert your bullet vibrators. You can leave the vibrators sticking up a bit to nudge your clit(s). Added, are some textured jelly cock rings for extra stimulation.
I can't wait to watch GIGC try this one out.
Japanese Eggplant Wand
These elegant eggplants have many advantages as a sex toy - they're long, smooth, slightly pliant, come in a variety of sizes, and are often gently curved. Installing a bullet vibrator by carving out a hollow near the stem end of the eggplant is advised. As a clitoral tickler, note the frilly kale leaf. To insert the kale, poke a hole through the eggplant with a skewer or small knife and thread the kale stem through. A little vegetable oil "lube" can ease the way.
Bell Pepper- Asparagus Clit Vibe
In general, it's best to stay away from peppers when making sex toys from food, however the following is an exception for this sweet red bell pepper--- GIGC is allergic to the green peppers. To make this toy, carefully cut the bell pepper on the diagonal so that the "bump" inside below the stem remains intact. Remove all seeds and trim the inner membranes around the protuberance. With a corer or knife, cut around the stem and remove it, leaving the rest of the cap intact. Carve out a hollow where the stem was and insert a bullet vibe. For an optional anal tickler, cut a small hole below the vibrator and insert a sturdy stalk of asparagus with a base wider than the tip. The asparagus can rest against the anal area.
I don't suggest inserting it, but if you do, cover the entire toy with a condom in case the stalk breaks.....And for God's sake never add cheese sauce....I won't be doing that again.
One Potato Two Potato
This hefty yam promises to be mighty filling, while a small potato serves as a side dish. Cut an inch or two off the end of a yam or sweet potato. If the other end is pointy, carve it down and round it off. Use an apple corer to remove flesh from the inside of the yam, carving out a hole long enough and wide enough to insert a slim vibrator. This dual vibrator has an attached bullet, slipped into a small Yukon Gold potato, also cored out.
Oh yeah! Pass the butter!
Zucchini Carrot Combo
Zucchinis are a favorite alternative to the classic cucumber dildo. Here there's additional baby carrots for clit and G-spot stimulation. Cut a couple of inches off the end of a zucchini, carefully hollow it out, and insert a slim vibrator. Near the base of the zuke, make some small circular holes 1/4 to 1/2 inch in diameter. Cut off short lengths of baby carrots and insert into the holes. Adjust the height of the bumps depending on how wild a ride you want.
This tropical fruit is just the right size and shape for an exotic sex toy. Select a starfruit that is underripe and firm. Cut a small hole in the stem end and hollow out a cavity just big enough for a bullet vibrator. Insert the bullet (if it's not waterproof, you may need to cover it with plastic wrap to protect it from the juice). The starfruit's ridges are perfect for gliding along your clit, and produce unique sensations when inserted.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to the market to pick up a few things.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Top 10 movie plane crashes of all time.
Top 10 annoying kids in movies. Aren't they all annoying?
Top 20 guitar solos of all time.
And their crazy fans.
The top 100 worst porn titles of all time. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES, Kinda says it all doesn't it?
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
I just finished watching the commercials for the Super Bowl.....most them anyway...I fell asleep, and Robert Goulet snuck in and fucked with my shit.
What I'm trying to say here is, the commercials this year were sub-standard at best. I guess everyone was too wrapped up in paying for the spots to put much thought into actually entertaining the public.....and now I have an hour of my life I will never get back.
If you must watch, they are all here. My recommendation? Watch the stuff with beer and animals....the career builder spots were also ok....forget the rest.....Remember....Robert Goulet. You've been warned.
Personally, I'd rather watch how sushi's made. I've seen it and it's a lot like this except with less singing.
Monday, February 05, 2007
When the dust cleared and the last of the bones had been picked through and counted, Jade "Jugs" Monahan *slut* was crowned the wing eating champion, taking home the $5,000.00 first place prize.
In her wake, nine other male finalists--- including The Pit--- stood in awe of her voracious appetite for meat, proving why women are more successful in porn than men.
Although, setting a new personal best with 55 wings, our beloved Pit could only manage 2nd place to Monahan, *child abuser*, who defeated all her advisories with a final count of 60 wings.
Jugs * rug muncher* was a late entrant, earning her spot in the finals only last week, by sucking 65 off the bone.
Despite a valiant effort, The Pit was so upset after his performance he barely finished his six chicken dinners, but hopes for a rematch against Monahan *fecal eater* in the spring.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
This week there has been too much talk about crack why even the Google Ad Sense touted, concrete "crack" repair.....See what I mean?
As not to further offend any more drug addicts I recommend: The Addicts Sing- Various artists.
Friday, February 02, 2007
I want to play a game.
For months now you have been coming to this site--- pontificating, self absorbed, never reading, staying for mere milliseconds and clicking onto another page as fast as you can....You've been putting yourself dangerously close to developing Carpal Tunnel.
Now, it is I who will prognosticate.
Before you are two links.
Link #1 Link #2
One of these links holds the key to returning here safely, while the other....holds the potential of six more weeks of winter....a nasty proposition to destroy all hope of you feeling the warmth of the sun.
Which will it be Random Blog Reader?
You have thirty seconds.
Make your choice.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Now it’s time to meet the pretenders for the Grand Chicken wing-off.
Jade "Jugs" Moynihan (2-1)
Allegedly ate 63 wings in 10 minutes last week to qualify for the finals. She has squeezed her way into a spot as a ligitimate contender. Hopes to use the winnings to move from her fridge box to a more spacious dumpster and buy more crack.
Rick "Bushy" Lisko (10-1)
Claim to fame: He recently ate a seven-legged, transgendered deer that he'd run over with his vehicle. Story here.
It’s not just bad news for the Bears on Sunday, it’s "Bad News" Bartor Manning (25-1)
No relation to Peyton, but is a second cousin, twice removed, to Eli. Also known as El Diablo to his friends he once ate a Creative Touch blender due to impatience, when he couldn’t wait for the mashed potato shake. Favorite dish: two tire irons, with a side of cabbage and a small nest of baby eagles in barbeque sauce.
Harlan "the Tunnel" Martinez (50-1)
Can eat 14 kittens and an oil painting of Omar Epps in seven minutes.
Freddie "Sandman" Gooligon
Has been eating 2lbs of dirt in Inner Mongolia for the past two months in preparation. Note to self: Cancel culinary trip to Inner Mongolia.
Darla "Wing Whore" McGeggie (80-1)
The only other woman in the field of ten. She says she has been too busy dating hunks to train for Sunday's final. The question is: Hunks of what?
Tony "Squint" Bibby (100-1)
Doesn't expect to win Sunday, he's just going, "to score all the luscious wing groupies".