Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Good Night and Good Luck

Today is the first in a five part exploration of the films nominated for best picture at this year's Oscars.

I must tell you I sat down to watch this movie and when it started I noticed there was something wrong with the theatre's screen. It seemed to be devoid of colour. That’s right the movie was running in black and white. So I went out to bring this to the attention of the powers that be and register my complaint.

When I approached the manager about this gross miscarriage of modern day cinema, he informed me, "Sir the movie was filmed in black and white. There’s nothing we can do."

I told him, if he thought I was going to spend serious cash to come to the theatre and munch on overpriced-popcorn, my movie better be in colour. End of story.

After much bickering, and haggling, refunds were offered, apologies accepted, and discounted coupons were presented.

Since the movie was no longer costing me anything I decided to go back in to watch the film. However, all the talk about over-priced popcorn had made me hungry and I felt a trip to the snack bar was inevitable. Plus I had the coupons.

The line was so frickin’ long, and people were buying so much shit, you’d have sworn only Ethiopians went to movies.

After finally getting my snacks I once again sought out the manager. Between vacuous pulls on the straw in my jumbo sized soda, I lodged my anguish over the wait for sustenance. He again offered up apologies in a subservient manner. Within twenty minutes of his grovelling I was satisfied and on my way back to my seat.

But suddenly, I felt an urgent 911 from a bladder in desperate need of evacuating the 2 litres of diet Sprite that had found it’s way into my system. It was pounding me into submission. I needed relief damn it!

You ever have one of those long pees? Urination that not only allowed you to write your name in the snow, but the names of your entire friend base? (Look, just pretend you have a lot of friends.) It goes on so long in fact, you’d swear someone must have shoved a garden hose up your ass running full force.

Let’s just say, by the time I was finished, so was the movie.

I heard it was pretty good except for the black and white thing.

I give it 3 I liked its out of 5.

Tomorrow: Brokeback Mountain

Monday, February 27, 2006

CNM #9

This might even be too dangerous for Chuck Norris....what am I saying? Nothing's too dangerous for Chuck Norris. However, today I have a link for those who are not faint of heart.

Angry wasps vs scrotum. And I'm not talking about White Anglo-Saxon Protestants either, just wasps, as in the flying insect that stings your ass vs the tender area of a man. The major control centre of all a man's poignant thoughts and feelings. A place, that when freshly mowed, is a smooth as a baby's bottom, as aromatic as a spring breeze, and as bulbous as a tumour. That's why it is where it is. So it can be vigilantly guarded. Sheltered by legs on both sides, the anus from behind, and our ever watchful eyes in front.

I guess I couldn’t be more self explanatory than that? Or should it be wasps vs scrota? Is that the plural of scrotum? Scrota? At least OBJ only has one to worry about. It's definitely scrotum for him, or maybe scroti?....Ah who cares. What are you still doing here? Click the link already.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Changes of Olympic proportions

After viewing a very select group of events at this year’s Olympics, usually from a television in a dental office or bank, I feel we need to make some drastic changes to the Olympics before the Gumby Olympics of 2010 on our soil in Vancouver.

So, I scoured the web for ideas and came across a few excellent suggestions the IOC should seriously take into consideration.

1. Bull-fighting on ice: I've never been to a bull fight, but it seems like things are pretty slanted in the bull-fighter's favor. Plus, the matadors always seem so cocky prancing around with mud and dust to rest their feet upon. Well, ice seems like it would even the playing field and make the outcomes much less predictable. And why stop there? With reality television, how about bullfighting with celebrities? Just tell me you wouldn't want to see Paris Hilton get gored, or a tag team of Cory Haim and Gary Coleman cowering together in a corner in their little red jump suits?

2. Stock-car figure skating cage match: I say put all the pairs figure skaters out there at the same time and let them crsah into one another. Just imagine this, but all at the same time. You could even send the speed skaters onto the rink in 30 second intervals. Last one standing wins. Seems fair to me. Now that's some excellent entertainment value my friends. Jesus! Where can I buy my tickets?

3. Team snowball fight: I'm not that excited about the World Baseball Classic, but who wouldn't be excited about watching these same baseball teams engage in a huge snowball fight? If you get hit, you're out. Can you imagine what it would feel like to take a snowball in the face from Randy Johnson? To make it more intense, the snowballs could be filled with stones, sharp glass and viles of Bird Flu.

4. Morgan Freeman as the announcer for every event: For example: "And entering the ice rink (pause) the woebegone beast of burden known as Samson (pause). Set to engage in an eternal contest (pause) pitting man against his own fickle and star-befallen footing (pause). Oh what magic (pause) the earth hath wrought."
Hey, if the guy can make me watch Emperor Penguins for two hours.....besides the Olympics is similar to March of the Penguins anyway.....It's a bunch of beings standing around in the cold while someone explains what the hell is going on.

5. Obscene snowman building contest: Finally an Olympic event tailor made for Ron Jeremy. Think about it.

6. 20 man Bobsled: Problem is China is going to win this event hands down with all their acrobats. But it would be a lot of fun to watch all those athletes running with the sled and piling on. We could even add a few obstacles to the run....like in mini golf. "Ooooo and the Swedes just ran into the windmill...that's gonna cost them.

7. People who have never skied before: In order to avoid deaths, this would probably need to be limited to bunny slopes. You'd have to pretty much be an idiot to kill yourself on the bunny slope. Trust me, I know.

8. Snow angel contests in the nude: This is pretty self-explanatory. Although that might necessitate this competition only being shown after 10 p.m.

"She's got a nice form Morgan but you can tell by the nipples it must be extremely cold out there?"

"I agree Tom(pause). The Italian girl's breasts (pause) shapely and inviting (pause) are truly a vision (pause) meant only for Venus herself (pause) to behold."

And let's be honest, after an event such as this, it's only a matter of time until the Porn industry Olympics start up.

9. Cross-country skier sharp shoot: Dick Cheney would have the definite advantage here. You post sharp shooters every 2 km trying to take out the skiers. Really adds an element of danger don't ya think?

10. People racing penguins on the luge: I bet the Mayor would like this one? In March of the Penguins, there were all sorts of shots of penguins sliding down snowy hillsides. This got me wondering: Would a person or penguin win if they raced on the luge? Perhaps this is a question better explored on Chuck Norris Monday, but I'm posing it here. I can see arguments either way and I'd be interested in reader opinions. My feeling is the penguins would win, but surprisingly, I don't have any scientific basis for this opinion. GIGC is more logical about this debate, "You have to go with people," she said. "How would you get the penguins on the luge, with stapples?"

I guess you'd have to have a Penguin tosser.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Sponge bath anyone?

Oh to live on Brokeback Mountain
With the barkers and the coloured balloons
You can't be twenty on Brokeback Mountain
Although you know that you're leaving there too soon....you're leaving there too soon....

Sorry....Sometimes I just burst into spontaneous song....

Hey, still not tired of all the Brokeback parodies out there?

Geesh! You’d think the reality of men having sexual relations with one another was a new concept and subject to ridicule? Not that there's anything wrong with that....the relations, not the ridicule.

It really doesn't take a room full of booze induced Einstein's laying around with pigfat and raisins between their toes while the cat licks it out, to notice this has been going on for eons....the relations, not the pigfat and raisin cat thing, that is.

So for those of you who still feel the need to have a few yuks and guffaws at the expense of penis to bum, I have one more Brokeback link for you.

As long as you promise to be good?......Swear?.....Ok, but this is the last one....

Spongeback Mountain

Friday, February 24, 2006

More bunny business

I usually wait for The Mayor to post these links, but since next week, starting Tuesday, I will be reviewing all the best film nominations for the Oscars, I thought I'd get you warmed up with King Kong done in 30 seconds by bunnies.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Hey lady, I've got your pizza....now here's the pepperoni

You know, I love porn as much as the next guy. However, strange as it may seem, I love it even more when I see a bunch of porn stills. Especially when someone has potoshopped everyday items into the scenes and given them cheesy dialogue.

Wonder what the hell I'm talking about? Then you need to go see for yourself.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Having trouble getting over the hump this week? You need to visit the Tourettes Guy.

If coffee didn't spurt out your nose maybe you should just go straight to the source and check out the rest of his vids. Maybe it’s just me? But I pissed myself laughing......clean up in aisle 4!


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Burn baby burn

Seems everyone and their Italian Baker is downloading movies and burning their own copies now.

To that I say, "Why not?" I mean, just look at the spring line up of cheesy sub-par celluloid being unleashed on us over the next few months.

You actually expect me to shell out $25 to sit in a theatre while I have my chair kicked by some maniacal 4 year old Hitler, while I try to ingest $8 dollar popcorn and ask myself, "Who gives a damn if Matthew Perry is the correct answer to- This actor appeared in The Whole Nine yards and it’s sequel with Bruce Willis?"

Just for a minute think of the trash playing at your local cinema and tell me you’re not contemplating running out at this very moment to purchase a burner, if you don’t own one already?

I’d rather be forced to watch a poorly recorded cam version of Nanny McPhee in the comfort of my own home, with some guy coughing and the occasional head of hair like some bizarre fern sticking up in the corner of the screen, than deal with it all in person.

For years we’ve been scammed into buying over priced movies to pay some mid-range actor $20 mil a film. This practice not confined to the theatres, but on VHS, and then DVD. Only to discover, a new "must have," format is coming out, rendering our collections obsolete.

Note to Hollywood: Bend over and take it like a man. This is how we’ve felt for years as you goosed us with the phallic thrust of your own greed. You want my butt in the seat? Make better movies and not crap like, "Final Pink Panther Destination 3".

That is all.

Monday, February 20, 2006

CNM #8

Before we get on with today's Chuck Norris Monday, let me first say, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Now, without further delay penis vs vacuum .

I have to tell you they tried this on me once to a much different result. As the Mayor is fond of saying, and usually ends every public speach with, "I lost 10cc's of man yogurt that day."

Can't say my mother was too pleased either, when she cleaned out the bag.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Shut the buck up!

I thought this was pretty funny. It was a link sent to me. I'm posting it to get you through the final day of the week. Or if your week has been a particularly bad one, (brutal comes to mind), you can skip the link and just take the pill.

Brokeback Blogging

Last week I posted a link to take you to a parody of Brokeback Mountain called Brokeback to the Future. Well, now everyone is churning them out like Pez. So, I'm just going to blow my wad and post them all right here, right now. Let you get it out of your system and hope the madness will stop after the Oscars.

Brokeback Dumb and Dumber
Brokeback Gump
The Empire Brokeback

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Liquor me up

Today I’m simply posting a link for those of you out there interested in building a hard drive out of a Whiskey bottle. I’ve been hounded repeatedly on this subject and I’ve decided to appease the masses by answering all those emails of, "Hey, when yous a gunna put up sumtin good like makin’ a puter out of a whiskey bottle?"

So, this is for you mom.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Retraction to reaction

Yesterday’s Valentine's Day story of discord between myself and my girl D was a fictitious display of Bloggery. It was meant only as an attempt at creating an entertaining post in the Blog world......Jesus what I go through for you guys.

My girl D, if in fact I had purchased such a unique device as the Blow Bib, would have been the first to yank that baby over my John Thomas and give it a whirl, I assure you. She is undoubtedly the coolest chick I've ever known and I've known quite a few. So there,

In other news the over-bearing Scotsman from the Alexander Keith's beer commercials has been charged with possession of child pornography......ok....this time I'm not making it up. It's true. Apparently he's been using the pride of Nova Scotia for other activities. No need to woner what's underneath this guys kilt. Yet, it's funny, I didn't see his face on the pedo quiz from the other day.....talk amongst yourselves. I'll see you tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Putting words in your mouth, better than your foot

It's here. That dreaded day where you have to do something romantic for the special woman in your life. Except you don't have a romantic bone in your body.....ok, you have one....but other than that you are devoid of anything loving which requires putting words in an intelligible order. You need the love letter generator buddy. It will solve all your problems and perhaps create a few.

You should also give a gift....I don't know...like candy. Chicks like candy on Valentines Day don't they? I would suggest this because it has subliminal properties to expose your ulterior motives.

Oh...oh! Friggen hell! You also need a card. Get what you need here......

.....Wait! Those cards aren't for Valentines Day......at least I tried.

Minutes turn into sloppy seconds

Within minutes of arising this morning, I dispensed the usual Valentine banter with GIGC, (my girl D), and handed over the well deserved gift of love.

However, her delight was not a vision of perfection. Actually, I would call it more a portrait of hideous rage. She stormed off without even a word of thanks, slamming the door in the process.

Repeated attempts to call her at work have gone unanswered.
I still can’t figure out why she’s not talking to me. I thought it was an appropriate gift. What can I say? I like it sloppy and thought I was helping.

Monday, February 13, 2006

CNM #7

Many artists launch successful comebacks after years out of the limelight. Sadly, or in this case, fortunately, it doesn't always work out for the best. In fact this is probably the last you'll hear about it. You don't have to watch it all. You can stop at any time.

With that in mind I present to you today's Chuck Norris Monday struggle, Hammer vs his comeback. So much for him being 2 legit 2 put out this shit. Did I mention you can stop watching at any time?

But if like me, you get those annoying emodicons on the page, you can actually play along with Hammer...."Say something!"

CNM #7.5

Two CNM's in one day? Is this a bonus or am I just working up to taking the weekend off from Blogging? Both are true.

Today I have the answer to a question you've been asking yourself for years. In a titanic straight-up battle between rubber-bands and crap, who would win?

The response to this, is a mere click away my friends. I can't help but feel Chuck Norris would be proud.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Take the Pedo-quiz

Worried about the creepy guy living on your block might have his eyes on your kids? Perhaps you need to bone-up (no pun intended) on how to spot a pedophile.

Valentine's Day massacre of a different kind

Panic! What for? Guys you shouldn’t have your panties in a knot over Valentine’s Day. Forget that.

The best thing you can do for your girl before the 14th is woman proof your room. Then when she’s rifling through your underwear drawer she won’t find those compromising pictures of you with your Ex’s head stuck in your crotch, like a human vacuum, while you beam happily in the self-portrait. Remember what just happened to Richie Sambora?

I understand you couldn’t throw those pictures out because you like to look at them from time to time and pull the goalie, but you can avoid some serious screaming if they happen to fall in to the wrong hands.

Check out the link below. Trust me. This chick knows what she’s talking about. She’s been through more inspections than the anal cavity of a prison inmate.

Woman proof your house.

Puck it all

Ok, so today Team Canada’s hockey contingent are being whisked off to Italy. There still seems to be too much controversy over Gretzky traveling with them. Jesus! Get off it all ready...who cares if the guy placed a few bets even though he said he didn’t. The Olympics are about good will and strong competition between competing nations, not the over-under between San Antonio and Memphis.

Besides, something about The Olympics always seems to bring out the scandal in Canadians anyway. Sale and Pelletier, Big Ben, Ross What’s-his-name the pot-head, The lucky loonie, The ticket scandal of Calgary 88' to name a few.

Just look at some of this shit from past games. Don’t worry in time everyone but Canadians will forgive and forget this one too...remember the New Coke? Hell, most people don’t even know where Canada is on the map anyway.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

24! Need I say more?

Hey that rhymes.

So you’re fuckin nuts and pissing crazy over Jack Bauer and 24. In fact, you’re addicted, or maybe even just a dick, or both, but you are still a 24 junkie slave who can’t wait for Monday to get your fix.

If this is the case, I have something for you.....excuse me....I was talking to the junkies....

Right here on this Strange Blog I have not 1, not 2, not 3, but the entire 24. Hold still your trembling vein. All you have to do is click here and the crack high is all yours.

P.S. While you're there, you should bone up on the Oscar nominated films by checking out Brokeback to the Future. Film of the year I tells-ya.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Getting over the hump

It's hump day and you're already drained. How are you going to finish the week without pulling your God damn hair out?

I have a solution...albeit a weak one, but a solution none the less. Why don't you ask Kevin Federline for advice? Go here. Type in your concerns and K-Fed will help you with all your problems. There, wasn't that easy?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

It doesn't ad up

Every year I look forward to seeing the inventive often hilarious Super Bowl commercials. I wait for them like a child does Christmas morning, anticipating the moment he can rip the presents to shreds. I salivate like I do when the panties are removed in an invitation to wet sweet pink. In other words....Yes, I like my SB ads more than a smidgen.

I was watching a Canadian feed of the Super Bowl on Sunday which means I didn’t get to see all the cool Super Bowl commercials. Hell I didn’t even get to see The Stones at half-time. Instead they had some wrinkly old guys performing and as for the ads....they sucked big-time. True that!

One of the first things I did when I got home was hop on the computer and take a look at all the commercials I’d missed. I’ll tell you my reader, Wowwwwww! They sucked ass too. Outside of a few interesting ideas and soft chuckles, I thought this was the most colossal waste of money on advertising I’d ever seen.

They’re here if you want to check them out, but chances are, you’ll agree.....they suck!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Super not so super

I don’t want to hear it. I’m well aware I didn’t Blog on the weekend. Maybe I even cost you a few seconds of precious time as you stopped by to read some new babble? Except there wasn’t any.

I’m not great at multitasking and I had to take care of the security for the Mayor’s big Super Bowl party this weekend. The Mayor demands perfection and I needed to focus all my attention on the smallest of details for the event. Then the bastard doesn’t even show up.

Shhhh! Don’t tell him I said that. I need the raise he promised in March.

Anyway, the weekend festivities were also a chance to wine and dine Sir Robert of Stone, a passing dignitary, who was breezing through Mitchieville on his world-wind tour of municipalities in the GTA.

As for the Super Bowl? It was anything but super with the way I rolled. I think I only nailed 1 strike all night. In fact my highest score was a measly, embarrassing 86.....what? There was a football game this weekend as well? In Detroit? OMG the Steelers and the Seahawks....how could I forget?

I’m so fired.

CNM #6

I called it. Pittsburgh to win. Although it was by more than my 3 point prediction. Somehow I don’t think the Seahawks would have pulled it out unless they had Chuck Norris to stop Hines, (the ketchup guy), Ward with a roundhouse kick to the solar plexis.

Say what you want, but it’s a nice segue into today’s Chuck Norris Monday .... Motorcycle vs Car which could also be construed as Seattle vs Steelers if you're looking for symbolism.

Friday, February 03, 2006

It's all fun and games until someone loses a fly

I opened up Strangedaze to Blog and stared at the blank page for a while. It all seemed so tedious , so mundane, so....blah.

I wanted to post something different. Get away from the daily spew of venom with the underlying sexual overtones.

Then I thought if only I had a link....oh I don't know....with Asian guys who trained bugs to spin tiny balls....now that would be cool....naw probably a million links out there of that?

But if I could find a link where one of the guys over-reacts at the beginning maybe I would reconsider. If memory serves me, I think I saw something like it here.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhogging the headlines

WIARTON, Ont. (CP) - Wiarton Willie, Canada's best-known four-legged forecaster, is predicting an early end to winter.

So a rodent says short winter....big deal....I can stick a finger up my own ass and tell you my body temperature, and who will win the Super Bowl. Do you hear me getting any accolades?......Oh yeah...Steelers by 3.

The pudgy white woodchuck failed to see his shadow on Groundhog Day in the central Ontario town. Shubenacadie Sam, Nova Scotia's most famous weather-forecasting rodent, also predicted an early spring.

Wait a fuckin' minute there Cochise....Shubenacadie Sam? Who the fuck is that? It used to be just Phil and Willie now they’re adding another groundhog to the mix. What’s next? Pawdash Pete, Aberfoyle Andy, Mitchieville Mel, Baghdad Billy? And where are all the chick groundhogs anyway? Fuck, no wonder they sleep all God damn winter.

But a unanimous groundhog verdict was prevented when Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania saw his shadow.

That wasn't Phil's shadow, it was the gloom cast by George Bush. No wonder the poor groundhog scurried back into his hole. I'll bet they probably tried to dress him in one of those tiny, little, "Support our troops," T-shirts.

Folklore has it that if a groundhog sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, he'll flee to his burrow, heralding six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, it means an early spring.

I’m surprised Ol Wiarton Willie didn’t stick his head out into this unusually mild winter weather we've been having, and predict we’re all going to die soon from global warming.

The origins of the tradition aren't clear, but it's likely related to the fact that Groundhog Day falls midway between the start of winter and the beginning of spring.
Some say it started with Candlemas, a Christian custom named for the lighting candles during the Feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary. According to an old Scottish couplet: "If Candlemas Day is bright and clear, there'll be two winters in the year."

Ok, there's your first mistake...listening to a Scottish couplet. Did you not see the link on the Mayor's Blog? Who the hell understands Scottish anything? I don't and I was raised by Scotts. I never knew if I was being praised or scolded, it all ended with the same punch in the nose.

Anyway the whole sordid tale of groundhogs in captivity can be read here.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Giving your man the VD gift

I'm not talking about STD's, I'm talking about Valentine’s Day. It is on the horizon. Actually we’ve been reminded of it for about a month now.

I think the first fuzzy hearts started to wink at me from store front window displays after the New Year.

What to get someone special in your life on this day I have no clue. Mainly because like ever other male on the planet I find it incredibly draining to try and figure women out. In a nut shell, I believe women need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved. With this in mind I’m not going to toil on options for the lady of your life at this moment. It’s too complex, but girls you’re in luck. There is one gift that never fails to please your man and it’s all explained at this link.