Saturday, July 29, 2006

Wiarton Johnny

A few weeks ago I reported the passing of Wiarton’s beloved prognosticating albino groundhog Willie. Since his untimely demise, the search has been on for Willie’s replacement, otherwise how would we ever know when Spring was coming?

I’m happy to say, after an extensive exploration, a suitable successor has been found. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Johnny Winter......or maybe I should say Johnny Spring?

Look at him. He looks so pensive. You can just tell Ol' Wiarton Johnny has got his mind on the arrival of next Spring already.

Ode du toilet

A source revealed to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper that Madonna must have a new toilet seat installed, with an unbroken seal, by plumbers before every gig. It's all here if you think I'm shitting you. (no pun intended)

Madonna's US spokesperson Liz Rosenburg has defended her seemingly outrageous demands. She said: "Who wouldn't want a new toilet seat wherever they go."

The bizarre request is just one of many of the crazy tour demands. She also requires three candles to protect her from negative vibes and mean-spiritedness.

Oh, like peeing on the seat, or leaving a floater in the bowl?

The seat must also be destroyed after the performance to prevent resale on Ebay.
How will I ever complete my collection now?
I do x 4
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock will be married in Paris, and L.A., Oh, and Michigan, and let's not forget Tennessee.
Hey Pam what about Vancouver? Or are the only roots you remember at the base of that blonde mop of yours.
Later, on a date to be announced, the newlyweds will be divorced in Topeka, Mozambique, Sacramento, and Walla Walla.
I about you?
Ok, if there was any doubt about the French trying to trigger armageddon let me tell you about the new Parisian rage: mustard icecream. Oh but it doesn't stop there my friends. How about goat cheese and asparagus ice cream?
Don't know about you, but I’m getting ideas of the perfect wedding gift for Pam and Kid.
With a name like Lance did you expect any different?
Lance Bass, former NSYNC member has announced he's gay. Is anyone surprised by this?
I mean let's just look at what's in a name shall we?
Lance: A long spear-like weapon with a wooden shaft and pointed steel head used for piercing your opponent when charging. Nuff said.
So much for the model marriage
Christie Brinkley has left husband Peter Cook after it was disclosed he had an affair with an 18 year old assistant. Cook has since publically stated it was "stupid" and he's "sorry" in an effort to win back his model wife, saying, "the next time something like this happens, I'll feel even more stupid and twice as sorry."
The results are in and it appears that bazillions watched the World Cup the most boring game on the planet.....alright maybe it's slightly better than Rock-Paper-Scissors.
All this tells me is soccer fans are easily amused.
Man headbutts horse
First Zinedine Zidane, now this. See, what did I tell you about soccer fans.
Hey Buddy keep your shirt on
The Brits are trying to pass a law where fat guys have to keep their shirts on in public apparently with the recent heat in many parts of the globe, the beer-bellies have been ubiquitous especially on the streets of London.
Maybe we need something similar here to combat the exposure of the Molson-muscle? It would be a nice compliment to the law already in effect where women are allowed to take their shirts off.
Reality check
Monopoly is releasing a new updated version of the game in a effort to make it more realistic with today’s audience.
Players will now collect 2 million for passing go.
Oh yeah that's much more realistic.
Gone is the multicolored money among other staples of the original. Players will now use credit cards and swipe for transactions. Community chest "beauty contest" will be replaced with "reality show winner," etc.
Personally I think they should take it a step further if they want the realism. With 2 mill for passing go, I think you should be shot at or robbed when you move your piece through the slummy areas. You should also be able to set up grow-ops and sell drugs to your opponents when they land on your space......get back to me when they make those changes.
What’s up Docks
Famed Toronto nightclub "The Docks" had their liquor licence pulled this week after continuous complaints from Toronto Island residents over noise levels.
Let's look at this logically. 600 people reside on Toronto Island and pay like zilch in taxes. Where as, the Docks pays millions into govenment coffers annually, employs a staff of 400, contributes to tourism, local economy, provides kittens for the homeless, and I speak from experience, is by far a more exciting place to be.
Seems to me the choice is obvious....The Docks has to go......Long live the Evil Empire!
He's not just political, he makes a hell of a rib
Two very sticky thumbs up to the Mississauga Ribfest GIGC and I attended last weekend.
My favorite, hands down was Turtle Jack’s half-rack although honorable mention goes to The Mayor of Mitchieville confident Fenris Badwolf for his chicken and rib combo with all the fixin’s

Great Big Hep C

This week the Canadian Federal Government announced more compensation for what they called "the silent victims" of the tainted blood scandle in which thousands of Canadians contracted Hepititis C while receiving transfusions. As per usual I have a comment on the subject.


*thumping beat*

Sometimes I feel....I’ve got to (bomp bomp)...find away
To get some (bomp bomp) money
For all the pain hep is causing me

The pain we share..... seems to go nowhere
Cause my heatlth it fades....and my bills aren’t paid which makes me afraid

Once I ran to you....I ran ....Now I run from you

This tainted blood you’ve given
Doesn’t make my life worth livin'
Take my tainted blood and then give me cash

Tainted blood ohwohohwoh Tainted blood
My bad kidneys are bringin’ me down to my knees
And my liver is nearly dead and I’ve been passed over like unleavened bread.

Tainted blood.....TAINTED BLOOD.

New release this week: Stone Sour- Come What (ever) May

But I recommend:

I Ain't Into That!

The Rappin' Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III

Free copies for people who live on Toronto Island.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

So much for the $750,000

Last week, when GIGC and I were at our palatial estate on the banks of Lake St. Clair, Keith Urban, with his new bride Nicole Kidman in tow, was performing, in of all places, Sarnia’s Bayfest. It was his first live gig since their blessed nuptials.

Not only that, but the paparazzi were in full force trying to capture a picture of the two practicing CPR on one another.

Apparently such a picture was worth 750,000 smackers.

Not one to pass up a financial opportunity like this, I wanted to join the fray.

Despite her protests, as I had to stand on her shoulders and eventually her head, GIGC agreed to help me. With great effort and one final push of my foot to her forehead, I managed to scale the wall surrounding their honeymoon compound.

Dropping to the ground with an audible grunt, I found myself in the back stage area marked "Resticted access! No cameras, or flash photography". Through 50 feet of razor wire, 4 hungry pitbulls, and an angry henchman named Todd, I stealthly navigated my way into forbidden territory.

Finally the quest for the Grail was nearing the end. There they stood just off to the left of the stage, their hands with fingers entwined, their eyes locked in a passionate gaze, ready to engage in a moment of intamacy.

Sweating and bleeding profusely, I struggled to lift my camera with broken arms, (thanks a bunch Todd), to get the picture of Keith and Nicloe’s much sought after lip-lock. An image that had eluded so many of the professional photographers.

And now, I'm happy to say, here is the picture of the tonsil-hockey exclusively for you my readership.

They're right there! I swear! Look at the guy in the blue shirt. He saw them. Does he not look like he's gazing in awe at the eternal spring of new love?

Anyway, send cheque or money order to Strange, care of 10% of the proceeds will go to the youth organization Children for a Better Mitchieville

Have I got a deal for you

Well, actually you have to be Canadian, so it’s really not for everyone. But It’s a deal for virtually a free cruise. Doesn't that sound appealing?....the only catch?

You have to find your own way to Lebanon.

Que Sera Sera

Trying to keep punks from hanging out and street racing, a municipality in Australia has resorted to blaring the music of Barry Manilow and Doris Day to curb the youth activity. It has worked tremendously except people who live in the area keep moving too....Yeah to the Copacabana I'll bet.

More death please

Originally I was going to post this last week but I couldn’t stop laughing until now.

Ok, I’ll admit death isn’t funny, especially for family and friends effected by the loss. And it wasn’t the guy's death that I found funny. It was the media coverage of the event that had me all shits and giggles.

You see the man in question was found by his wife, shot in the head, and with another male also shot in the head......I know, I know. It's still not hilarious.

However, it turned out the other deceased male companion was a transvestite. Again not funny for friends and family.

Now, I must have heard the report a dozen times the day it happened, and it was always reported the same way.

"Man found shot to death with TRANSVESTITE"

It’s not bad enough the poor little bugger has come to some foul end at the hands of another, he will forever be known as the guy who died with a "TRANSVESTITE".

Canadian Bakin’

Boy, there have been some mighty humid days of late, and torrential downpours to go with it.

I find it strange. Every time we have a storm or, even unsettled weather, there are a flood of calls to report funnel clouds and tornados touching down.

When did we start getting all these tornados? When I was growing up I can remember maybe two. One in Barrie and one in Saskatchewan when I was out that way.

Now they’re everywhere. Ripping the roofs off houses, overturning vehicles, stealing’s ridiculous.

*Breaking News* "Man found dead with TRANSVESTITE!"......admit it. It made you laugh.

They’re together...they’re apart...they’re together again.

Avril Lavigne married that guy this week.....You know the one I mean?.......I don’t know his name....the guy from Simple Plan Blink 41.....or some such......ah who cares?

Dave Navaro split from Carmen Electra this week or maybe it was the other way around......that's Carmen on the left I think...... Anyhoo at least Dennis Rodman’s still out there isn’t he?

Wonder if Dave would be interested?

Pamala Anderson has announced not only is she back with Kid Rock she’s going to marry him. Man......He must beat the hell out of her. I can’t see any other reason she’d be back with him. Do you?

Sorry I couldn't find a picture of her sporting bruises, but it's obvious from this image, she's just taken a roundhouse to the face from Kid.

The Drive-in: It’s not just for making out anymore

Yes friends the Ol’ Drive-in is making a comeback, or at least that’s what I’m hearing. With first run movies, go-carts, arcades, up-graded sound systems and better dining choices, (what’s wrong with the old hotdog machines and stale popcorn?), they are making a pitch to be more family friendly.

You know what? Just call me when they put in the Rub-and-Tugs.

It’s a hole in one....a hole in one....a hole in one

No there isn’t an echo in here, that’s what some guy.....ok his name is Stewart got when he was golfing in Edinburgh. Three hole in ones, in three consecutive weeks on the same hole at his local golf course using his trusty nine iron.

I’m told the odds of this happening are 2 trillion to one.

Oh yeah! I say big deal....why just last week when I was playing with GIGC I got three consecutive hole-in-ones on the same hole. And that my friends is by using the same club, (sometimes I call it my trusy nine iron), and the balls I always that.

New release: Muse- Black Holes and Revelations

But I recommend: John Bult- Julie's Sixteenth Birthday

It's full of beer, smokes and hurtin' music. Check it out.

Shit! It's got to be better than a cocktail of Barry Manilow and Doris Day.....

Johnny Wad is still hiding....can you find him?

Where's Johnny Wad # 27

Where's Johnny Wad #362

Where's Johnny Wad #879

Where's Johnny Wad #1564
Where's Johnny Wad infinity + 1

Where's Johnny Wad Platinum Series

Shit he's just not trying anymore.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Find JW

Where's Johnny Wad? #3

Where's Johnny Wad? #4

Where's Godzilla Johnny Wad?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Find Johnny Wad

Alright children. It's time to play the Pottahawk game, "Where's Johnny Wad?" It's similar to "Where's Waldo?" I'll give you a picture of Pottahawk and somewhere in that photo you have to find Johnny Wad.

I'm going to start you off with a couple of easy ones.....ah who am I kiddin'?....there all easy. If they weren't easy, they wouldn't be funny.

So, in the words of Marty DeBergi, "Enough of my yakin'. What do you say? Let's boogie."

Find Johnny Wad #1

Find Johnny Wad #2

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Week of death

I'll explain later from our retreat on the banks of lake St. Clair.......and if you haven't already, scroll down for the Pottahawk Piss-up Pics.

Shine on you crazy diamond

By now anyone who is, or was a Pink Floyd fan, has learned of the passing of Floyd co-founder Syd Barrett who died this week at the age of 60.

Damn it! It doesn't stop there. You've got Israel at loggerheads with the Lebanese blowing shit up with people dying.

You've got three dead from a Canadian Helicopter crash while it was on a training mission. What are the odds of a 50 year old helicopter crashing? God help us if we ever go to war.

You've even got the North Koreans killing innocent fish by lobbing missiles into the Sea of Japan.

Apparently India's the bomb, as a terrorist strike on the subway system there killed 140 plus. Frickin' idiots. Didn't they realize it's no longer called Bombay?

Do I have to rant on? Red Buttons, The Who back from the grave for a new tour, the frickin' death of celebrity groundhog Wiarton Willie.......It's all so depressing. Death everywhere. Despite Walmarts declaration, they will no longer prosecute shoplifters who snatch items under $25, I can't help but feeling this world is going to hell in a hand basket.

Is it any wonder Canada didn't crack the top 100 of happiest nations in the Happy Planet Index? We finished 111 mostly do to complaints like those above. In fact, no G8 country slipped into the top 50. Italy fared best at 66th BTW.

Do you know the happiest place to live on this earth? Well, do ya punk!?

Vanuatu! That's where! Where the fuck is Vanuatu?!

Jesus, all they need now is a frickin' Walmart where they can steal stuff and there'll be no catching those happy bastards.

New release this week: Thom Yorke- The Eraser

But I recommend: Joyce
Why? Because first, it's cheap. See! Only 50 cents. Secondly, she also sounds remarkably like Thom Yorke yet looks like someone put Leo Sayer and Richard Simmons in a Brundle Pod together......*shudder*

You just can't buy entertainment value like that anymore.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Pottahawk Piss-up 2006 revisited

Ok! Here are some of the pictures from quit buggin' me.

6:00 AM- It's still early

Back from the grave. Again we were blessed with the presence of Johnny Wad. Wow! It just goes to show you the power of a freakishly large male appendage.

Hey Ladies! Yeah, but from the front they look like Richard Branson's father. Go here to see what I mean.

Tennille greases Strange up. There's no a girlie alive that can out-swim a greased Scotsman.

One for Tennille Either the Captain got a little too close to the chip-dip, or Tennille put the 40 sunscreen on her vagina again.

A gaggle of's called a gaggle right? Or is it a flock of quim? All I know is, I ended up beating my dick like it owed me money.

Concerned party goers try to avoid angry, giant, floating head.

He's still standing. I'm not sure Johnny has any legs? Is it just me, or does the water below him look suspiciously yellow?

Gilligan, the Professor and Mary Ann. Despite best efforts with the Boz Special, we could not surpass the point of inebriation by Stu 10:17 . I think it was shortly after 11:00 before we threw out the first drunk....

Bill and Ted's Excellent Pottahawk Adventure

Under duress at knife point, I was forced to take this picture for the ladies.

"Hey Dude! Check it. Where are ya? to the white boat?'re on our way."

One for Strange. Ok, the zoom on my camera sucks ass. But forget that.....who wears jeans to Pottahawk....honestly?

Awwwww! So cute......and they were yummy on the B.B.Q. too.

Save a horse ride a Cowgirl? Works for me.

Entering Broadway three strings of beads short and four beers empty.

Note: Still waiting for the rest of the pictures including the one of GIGC and I. Sorry the x-rated ones are for subscribers only. However, come back next week to play the Pottahawk game, "Where's Johnny Wad?"

Otherwise I'll see you in 2007 for "Pottahawk - The Musical."

Here's a sample:

Beads.....beads for sale

They're going cheap......only two dollars

Beads....yes these beads for sale

Or show me your breasts....and they're yours for nothing

It's sure to be a big hit on Broadway.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Told ya I'd be here

I didn’t have a lot of time to get to Blog this week people, Pottahawk called and I had to answer. So everything may seem a little rushed after the fact and I do apologize.

First things first. Pottahawk was once again the ultimate spectacle GIGC and I have come to expect. We even stayed around at the end with an entourage of spectators and judges as drunken neophytes tried to haul their various water savvy crafts out from the boat launch. I should have packed a lunch.

I will endeavor to have the pics up at sometime this week. However, it seems I am in desperate need of a memory card as I inexplicably ran out of memory before noon.

One further note: Bob Noxious’s record of 10:17 AM still stands. No one seemed to surpass inebriation by that tick on the clock.

The week belated

Ken Lay the founder of Enron died of a heart attack last week. He was awaiting sentencing that would have sent him to the big house for the rest of his life anyway.

Someone must have mentioned he was going to get fucked in the ass when he got to prison. I’d probably have a heart attack too.

Kicking the habit

Did you hear about the guy in Germany who’s been chaining soccer balls to lampposts and trees with a sign that says, "Can you kick it"?

It looks very much like a promotion for a shoe manufacturer, or the World Cup in general. That is, until you try kicking the ball and discover it’s full of concrete.

Many broken bones have led to a massive search for the mischievous little fuck who put them there in the first place.

My money's on French captain Zidane.

It's all bull

If breaking your foot on a concrete soccer ball isn’t your style, there’s always the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Already there have been several severe injuries. One American participant is now partially paralyzed.

And I thought I was taking my life into my hands at Pottahawk.

I'll have it in the sugar cone please

Initially I heard this wrong. A new ice cream called, "Old Sweat" conjured up visions of smelly gym socks served in a cone with chocolate chunks and praline. Then I realized, it was a new ice cream called, "Cold Sweat," with ingredients like jalapeno and scotch bonnet peppers.

Tell me what’s the difference if you eat an old gym sock or, eat this and wait til your ass explodes?

Happy birthday, fuck you

George W. Turned 60 last week.
All I have to say is, can you imagine sex with a 60 year old bush? Sorry to ruin your weekend.

New Release last week: Billy Talent II

But I recommend: Country Church- Self Titled.

If I'm not mistaken, I think they were the house band at the Turkey Point Marina this weekend past.

I can hadly wait for the follow-up: Takin' the "O" out of "Country."

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Let the drinking commence

I'm off to Pottahawk people, so no Blog til monday. Until then, play safe children.

Monday, July 03, 2006

6 more sleeps til Pottahawk

Last week, GIGC and I went to see NIN at the Molson Amphitheater. As the night progressed I was astonished at how much knowledge she had ingested concerning Trent Reznor the dour Goth God, and lead singer of Nails.

A year ago, if I had mentioned Nine Inch Nails, she would have wondered what porno it was.

Now, twelve months removed, GIGC sang along with every song, and informed me Trent was wearing his lucky socks- green his favorite color.

At one point she yelled at me, "Did you know Trent has just joined PETA?" Or maybe she was telling me she was hungry and wanted a pita? I never really got confirmation.

Without sling-shotting her underwear on stage, she is the closest thing I've seen to a groupie in some time.

It was at this point I started to wonder, what would it be like if GIGC had her own Blog and what would be on it from day to day.

With that in mind I offer you excerpts from the fictional Blog of GIGC.

Girl In Guy's Clothing Blog:

What Trent did today
He got up
Brushed teeth
Brushed teeth again
Put on his lucky green socks

Ate some toast......

When the Saints go marchin' in

Say hello to the New Orleans Saints. Your next Super Bowl Champions and why.....

Let’s start with Deuce, Reggie Bush and the newly acquired Drew Brees, throw Joe Horn into the mix and I defy anyone to tell me the Saints won’t win it all next year......come on.....yeah....well you’re wrong! SO WRONG! *smacks hand on table*

And I’ll tell you why. Let’s start with Deuce, Reggie Bush and the newly acquired......

Picture of the day

Video link of the day

Poker in the front liquor in the rear

You know what really bugs me about playing Texas Hold em on line? Those stupid idiots who go all-in every hand. It’s poker not super-lotto.

And then theres those other idiots who take forever to make a decision. It’s two cards buddy not a frickin’ book!

Oh and those guys who pull out a "flush" on "the river" after you've bet everything you have on "trips". God, I hate that! *smacks table again*

Then there’s the poker Nazi’s who bully you when they have nothing and.......

Cooking with GIGC

Today I’m going to tell you how to make Deviled Eggs alla D. First you need two dozen eggs...real mayo......Hey! I said REAL mayo, NOT Miracle Whip. What are ya deaf? *smacks table with both hands*.... You also need paprika, mustard, and a bottle of tequila.

Once you have everything, you boil the eggs. While you're waiting, make yourself a drink....actually make that a shot.....ok two shots........wait! Two shots and a Rye and Ginger. Then you take the.........

Tomorrow: New Cat Football League.....CFL

Ricky William's agent talking contract with the Newport Battle Cats.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

This week's secret word is.....

This week, I wondered aloud why my hits had increased ten fold.

At first I thought the Mayor had linked me again, (which he did), throwing me a few of his faithful, like a bone to a ravenous dog. After all, he a bazillion hits a day. But the traffic I received was too great even for such an occurrence.

Scouring my referrals I discovered the secret word, "Pottahawk," had again lit the fires of the search engines like an angry hemorrhoid in search of relief, and since I seem to be prevalent in the "Pottahawk" category....voi-la...the world came knocking.

Don't believe me? Type "Pottahawk into a search engine and see where old Strange comes up. Go on! I dare ya. I double dog dare ya.......oh and while you're there click on the link to see if it takes you here ok.

Pottahawk.....yes children it is fast approaching that time of the year when the sweet sound of opening beer cans, and the yelps of drenched vixens, mix with the relentless sun in a waist-high soup of blue water turned to brown by the churning of frolicking feet with a vague dash of urine.

2200 vessels, of various shapes and sizes, bobbing up and down in the festive waters of Turkey Point with the symbolism of an orgy of oral chaos, can only be described with one word.... heaven.

Sadly, and unfortunately for our group of lunatics, the next "best day ever" will have to wait yet again.

I think Roy Schieder said it best in "Jaws," when he mused, "We’re gonna need a bigger boat."

For the time being, the event for us is relegated to a lottery, which I’ll admit, with some shame, is hopelessly tainted in nepotism.

Therefore I, and GIGC will once again be the lone representatives to view the craziness.

Insanity that involves blow-up doll beer fridges, 100 metre swim-offs, (very difficult in 2 ft of water), and displays of topless synchronized swimming every five minutes.

My promise to you is, I will do my best to remain sober enough to capture this Mardi gras on water in the magic of digital photography...stay tunned..

This week by the numbers

2......the number of Krispy Kreme halves in the new "Burger Donut," touted as "Baseballs best burger." No it’s’s all here if you think I actually sit around and make up this shit.

It was discovered by Luther Vandross.....say, isn't he dead?..... As the story goes, one night when he was hungry and didn’t have any buns to lovingly wrap around his burger, he used the donut, added two slices of bacon and a slice of sharp! A massive coronary in the making.

This creation will be followed by the "Donut make you feel like dancing," topped with sugar for the added rush, and the "Every picture tells a story Donut," when they have to knock down a wall of your house to cart your fat ass away on a forklift. old the CN Tower and the comic strip Ziggy turned this week. Canada is considerably older than the CN Tower and Ziggy.

0....the number of grams of fat in the new hybrid burger, probably made from soy and cardboard....fuck...just give me the "donut burger," and let me die happy.

8 the number of days left to put up with the celebratory concerto of car horns, flag waving and rowdy soccer hooligans. Then I can have four more years of peace.

2,000,000....the amount the Canadian Conservative government allegedly withheld as campaign contributions.......Our government is dishonest? Who didn't see that coming?

13.....the number of bags of cocaine found in Boy George’s apartment when he erroneously reported a robbery at his London flat. He's currently raking leaves to fulfill his community service....and yes.....I still want to hurt you.

16..... how old the lovable Jack Russell, "Eddie" was when he passed away this week......Everyone together now.......Awwwwwwwwww.

28,000,000....that was money well spent....on the Theatre production of "Lord of the Rings" that announced this week, it will be closing Sept. 3rd, after only six months of performance.

They are moving the production to London for 2007......After seeing this adapted version of J.R.R.’s beloved masterpiece, I just have to say I think London’s already had enough bombs.

At least they are setting out to accomplish what they set out to do, albeit in a round about way, .....destroy the ring.

23 the number of stars that will be handed out in 2007 on the Walk of Fame. Among those to be immortalized are Kiefer Sutherland, P. Diddy, Jamie Foxx, Mariah Carey, and.......Eric Estrada? Really?

Hey, If you ever wanted to walk all over the former C.H.I.P.S star, here’s your chance.

New release this week: Cut Chemist- The Audience's Listening

But I recommend: She's A Big Lass, She's a Bonny Lass by Johnny Handle affectionately known to his friends as "Love Handle"

Is that the forklift I hear revving up?