Saturday, December 30, 2006
Now, technically, the blessed date is tomorrow, but as GIGC confirmed, I've always been known to blow my load early, so here goes....
The Mayor's a swell, yet demented, guy and is well thought of by many. I don’t who they are, but I assure you, they are many......just kidding ya big lug!
Many happy returns to you and you pony pal Fenris too. It’s been another amazing, side-splitting, year of laughter and memories from the Mayor's office to the manor.
One further note: Sorry they were all out of penis cakes that looked like the number two.
However, after thinking long and hard, --- no pun intended--- I decided it was preferable to the other cake they had.
Now, you too can make erotic baked goods for those special occasions.
Write to me to order your Strangedaze Erotic Penis Cake Pan.
Cost: $19.95 plus $8.00 shipping and handling fee.
Warning: Product does not actually exist, so may not arrive as ordered.
But here's my vote for best new release of 06.
And if your looking for something new to push out the old, may I suggest this week's new release: Moscow Nights- Popular Russian Hits.
Friday, December 29, 2006
What would Kevin Federline Do?
In fact, I was just there a few days ago and asked him the best way to go about squeezing every last cent out of my Ex and gaining custody of the kids. I have yet to get a response.
Digging up shit on celebrities.
Their shit may stink just like ours, but it's worth a hell-of-a-lot more.
Family Guy 24 in 24 seconds.
With another season of 24 around the corner, why not reaquaint yourself with this gem?
Haven't you always dreamed of porn you can show your kids?
By far, my favourite link from last year.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I'm not in the habit of posting the U2bes on Thursday, I know, but last night I was watching the Funniest Ads for 2006. Although mostly amusing, I felt they missed their mark on top selection. In my opinion, this is the Ad that should have been #1. I laughed so hard, one of my testicles shot up into my body and I haven't seen it since.
These two spring to mind. What if GIGC had her own Blog and How I'd improve the Winter Olympics.
However, by far, my favourite was the Death becomes us post that took a fictitious look at the untimely ends of my close friend base if a death pool were involved.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Although we should be looking forward, the next few posts are all about honouring the past and the year that will soon be history.
I would like to continue a tradition I started last year by presenting favourite moments from my Blog in 06.
Very funny. Don't think I don't hear you out there saying, "Really, I didn't realize there were any?"
I'd like to start with pictures. Although arguably you can make a strong case for any Pottahawk picture like this one.....
My selection for most memorable posted pic would have to go Godzilla Johnny Wad terrorizing Pottahawk.
Honourable mention: Val Kilmer as Bigfoot.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Why? because it's warm and smooth and make's me feel great. It's tradition. Why, I've had a Dicken's Cider every X-mas since I was about 16.
GIGC loves a Dicken's Cider on Christmas morning too. In fact, of all the people who have experienced it, I don't think there's one who doesn't love to have a Dicken's Cider anytime of the year.
Even my mother loves it, but thankfully she sneaks hers in the middle of the night and I don't have to watch her with a Dicken's Cider.
Sure there are those unfortunate poor souls who are so over excited at the prospect of having a Dicken's Cider that they actually spill it all over the place when they get it. But who can blame them? It's addictive. Once you have it, you want it all the time.
In the past few years my son has started to appreciate a Dicken's Cider and I'm sure he'll be having many more.
So from GIGC and myself I'd like to wish you all the best for the holiday season and hopefully you'll have a Dicken's Cider too.
Dan Betzer and Louie - Tell the Bible Classics Vol III- Just try and stop me from getting this one, since I already have Volumes I & II
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Later in the evening we were told to choose numbers. Then the task of sequential selection and the ability to steal once from someone else was instituted.
I thought, what a bloody great idea.....I could regift and no one would know it was me. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation where you know your generosity is anonymous, here are twelve rules you should be aware of when dumping the unwanted ghost of Christmas presents.
1- Don’t mention that it’s a regift.
2- Update the wrapping
3- Don’t give hand-me-downs.
4- Have the courtesy to blow the dust off your gift.
5- Don’t give products from defunct companies.
Ok forget all these rules. First, in a situation as I described above, doing all these things only lessens the hilarity of watching someone’s face twist into a hideous mask of disgust and then force a smile through it to say, thank you for the...uh...lovely gift. But I would suggest you at least remove the initial tags that had your name on it.
6- Do keep track of who gave it to you first.
Good idea. Somewhere down the line, a chance to get even will present itself. Remember the old Klingon saying: Revenge is a regift best served cold.
7- Don't EVER regift these items.
Certain items are a total, dead, instant giveaway that you are not only regifting, but you're too lame to put any effort into it: candles, soap, random books, mysterious CDs, obscure software, cheesy jewelry, scarves, fruitcake, pens, cologne, boxed sets of extinct bath products, videos or DVDs obviously acquired on a street corner, socks and any appliances or electronic gear the giftee would be puzzled to receive because they probably just got rid of it.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Have you heard nothing I’ve said? Hello ANONYMOUS GIFT GIVING! Feel free to give all these items. In fact, I suggest you use what you can first, soap, half-burned candles, dog-eared books, half-eaten fruitcakes, (although that one’s a stretch).
It shows the recipient you took the time and effort to make sure these gifts fulfilled their intended purpose.
8- Don't give partially used gift cards.
Why not? I mean when am I ever going to spend that last $3.49 at Home Depot? I hate to be redundant, but see above.
9- Don't give something you've owned for a while.
Only applies if you’re giving to people who would recognize the picture frame from your living room wall......that reminds me....take out the picture of you and your family before you wrap it.....I won’t make that mistake again.
10- Do regift champagne.
Oh, and in the meantime what do I drink?
11- Do sell your gifts on eBay.
Wrong. First you have to list it. Then you have to wait a week with your hunk of junk until some hillbilly who really wants an 8 track tape of Nat King Cole's A Christmas Memory, (because he thought it was Mammary), decides to part with fifty cents.
Then you have to put the item in a bubble-wrap mailer that costs $1.50, trudge through the snow and mail the fucker for another $8 bucks because the hillbilly wanted insurance on his purchase.
Then eBay takes its cut and after requesting such a small amount be transferred to your account from PayPal, they charge you as well.
At this point I don't think there's any need for sarcasm by saying, oh yeah great idea!
12- Do remember that regifts can be funny.
But it's up to you to follow this advice and make it that way. Here's what I'm giving my Mom this year.
"Don't worry......be happy.....don't worry be happy now..."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
But, that’s ok because I’ve found an alternative. That’s right me, Strange. I have the answer.
Let me ask you, what kid doesn’t want to hear his or her name in a song? No kid, that’s who. Here is a site where you can order specialized CD’s, books, what-have-you, all with the name of your child in them. From Adam to Owen, no name is untouchable for these guys. Here just listen to this song with Samantha in it.
Wasn’t that cool....in a creepy sort of way?
It all got me thinking— which is not necessarily a good thing— will they put any name in there? Because why stop at given names. There’s a few nieces and nephews I’d like to get this gift for.
Merry Christmas, Shit-head, Bean-Fart, You Little Fuck, and You’ll Never Amount to Anything. Oh I can't forget the kid from next door. Merry Christmas Your Father is a Drunk and Your Mommy is a Whore.
And Merry Christmas to you all.
Shit-Head Jesus loves you
Shit-Head Jesus loves you
And love, love, love comes a tricklin' down
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Well, I’ll tell you.
So, you don’t have a lot of money to burn this Christmas. My friends, I was in the same boat a few years back and I just gave everyone on my list IOU’s for GNR’s Chinese Democracy.
I said as soon as it’s released you’ll get your gift. Eight years later, I’m happy to report this thing is still not out. In fact, Axl Rose just fired his manager and the release date was pushed back yet again.
The bumbling and botching of this album is like Apocalypse Now and Water World rolled into one giant disaster— long overdue and grossly over budget. Even Sly has got Rocky back in the public consciousness sooner. The second coming of Christ might take place before you see this disc on store shelves.
I’m telling you this debacle may never see the light of day. It’s a can’t lose Christmas gift for those who want to avoid emptying the pocket book.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Nothing says, "Get the hell out of my house. You've overstayed you welcome you X-mas freeloader!" like the following two recommendations: Jan Gorisseu's Pettrige Kertsdargen & Eilerts Jul. I mean honsetly, who names their kid Jan or Eilerts? You're just asking for an ass-kicking. It's like naming your kid Plexico, Tiki, or Julius--- Except those guys grew up to be NFL players.....not that they weren't made to cry on the way there.
But enough of my yakin'.....get out and pick these buggers up.
BTW, FYI, "Kertsdargen" is crazy Dutch bastard for "Christmas days". Yet, "De vreemde bedwelming", is crazy Dutch bastard for "Strangedaze". Go figure.
Friday, December 15, 2006
So, for today only, it’s the return of Chuck Norris Monday--- except on a Friday. Perhaps it will make you feel better after you witness man vs runaway tire.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
But that's not why I'm here today. I'm here to tell you more "blah,blah,blah" about our melting polar ice caps and global warming.
Hey! Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just passing along the projection that by 2040--- or there abouts--- Santa isn't going to have a home. It's all here if you need to take a look. They say shit like:
If greenhouse gases continue to build at their current rate, the study found, the Arctic's ice cover would go through periods of stability followed by abrupt retreat.
One simulation projects that by 2040, only a small amount of perennial ice would remain on the north coasts of Greenland and Canada during the summer months.
So,the rest would look like this.
Merry Christmas darling. Could you turn up the air conditioning and put out Ol' St. Nick's milk and SPF 5000?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
However, there was one ad that had me howling in my, Strange-that’s-not-really-funny-but-it-is-in-a-dark-kind-of-way, way.
It was an advertisement for KFC pitching their yule-tide specials. Now, keeping in mind Christmas is the loneliest time of the year for some, you can see why I found the following macabre, yet amusing.
KFC’s regular special is the Festive Family Feast with all kinds of artery clogging goodies and a ginger-bread-man making kit thrown in for good measure. On the tube is a generic family, all hugs and kisses, basking in Christmas's warm, gushing, glistening, glow over a megga bucket of the Colonel's gristled finest.
But, they also touted the Festive Feast For One.
There on the screen was this poor, hapless bastard grinning like it was the best day of his life. He couldn't wait to die a slow death by eleven herbs and spices. Chowing down on his single serving portions, before shoving the barrel of a gun into his mouth, no doubt, and pulling the trigger.
I want to know, does this special include a ginger-bread-making kit for one, with cyanide candy eyes, or a length of rope conveniently tied into a noose? A little electric-chair party-hat perhaps?
Although, I, and other sick fucks like me, might have found the audacity all shits-and-giggles, I can see where the self-destructive-Grinch might not feel the same way having KFC thrust the loving X-mas fist of, "you're a loser", down his throat.
KFC should really check their sensitivity quotient before trying to squeeze every last dime out of an individual who’d rather spike the suicide rate than the egg-nog.
Maintain your target on the rest of us fat-turds slowly dying from morbid obesity than someone who might be flat-lining before they taste the green-slaw.
Anyway, we’re the lazy idiots who readily buy your deep fried rat’s ass— albeit very tasty rat’s ass— as it is.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Hmmm, maybe I could trim my nostil hair with this thing?But I digress.
It's a subtle way of saying "Baby, I think you need to endanger the Amazon a touch". I'm sure it comes with all sorts of fun Playdough attachments: stars, moons, green clovers,---or is that Lucky Charms?
She can have fun shaving her Sasquatch into the shape of an arrow and sarcastically state, "Now you know where your tongue goes".
And while you're picking her up such a wonderful gift, why not complement it with some anal bleaching cream? (It's how Michael Jackson gets his skin to look its whitest.) Besides, nothing's worse than a brown-eye that makes your little Ronstadt "blue". Soon you'll one step closer to talking her into ass-to-mouth.
Merry Christmas all.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
For the next four weeks I'm going to advocate collaborations of songs, so overwhelming, so joyful, so--- dare I say it?---Chrismasie, mating cats won't be able to compete with it.
For the Christmas season I recommend: Tiny Tim's Christmas Album
Friday, December 08, 2006
You know, if it wasn't for the Mayor, I don't think I'd ever have the experience of feeling liquid shoot out my nostrils--- Jack Daniels, milk, what-have-you. Today, in fact, I think I shat myself.....just a little....while I was reading some of his posts.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The first thing you need to make the eggnog course through your Scrooge-like inards, is the appropriate tree. May I suggest artificial? And not just any artificial tree but the "Hulk Smashin' Spruce", holiday tree.
It has everything you need, from the official purple Hulk tree-base, to the angry Hulk tree top. I don't suppose you'd be very happy either with a tree sticking out of your ass?
Anyway, it's all here if you want to check out the particulars.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
You can imagine my surprise, however, when I was notified by ebay, one of my auctions had been pulled......well, I'll let them explain about why it was delisted.....gentlemen.....
The rights owner, Warner Music Group, notified eBay that this listing violates intellectual property rights. When eBay receives a report of
this type of violation, we remove the listing to comply with the law.
The item in question is a Led Zeppelin (ancient) LP of a live recording in the old L.A. Forum that I tagged with the words "Collectable" & "Rare". Fighting words no doubt?
The following information may help explain the reason for your listing(s) removal:
eBay prohibits unauthorized copies of media (such as software, video games, music, television programs, and photographs). Unauthorized copies include (but are not limited to) backup, pirated, duplicated, or bootlegged copies. It is both illegal and against eBay policy to sell unauthorized copies of copyrighted media.
Just tie me upside down, beat me and use me for chip-dip why don't ya? Punish the 16 year old kid who made the purchase eons ago because he was a fan of the band. I'm sure by selling it now, I'm depriving poor Robert Plant from buying a few rolls of 8-ply toilet paper to wipe his golden, wrinkled ass.
An intellectual property rights owner ( Warner Music Group)has notified eBay that this item is an unauthorized copy of copyrighted material. Unauthorized copies include (but are not limited to) copies that are pirated, duplicated or bootlegged.
It's good to know the Warner Music Group is on the ball to recoup the $100 or so they would have lost by the sale of this item to a ravenous collector. Never mind the millions of torrents being downloaded daily, or the back-shops, in China Towns everywhere, busting with pirated movies and costing them billions. Good job!
We encourage you to contact Warner Music Group directly if you have any questions.
Sure, so they can send someone to my house, or fine me in person. Yeah that's going to happen.
Your eBay fees for this item have been credited to your account.
Great, I get my insertion fee returned. Does anyone know if Ho's will take a dime?
All bidders on this item have been notified of its cancellation.
Yup I can hear them crying from here.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Repeated violations of this or other eBay policies may result in the suspension of your account.
Really? For the frustration this has caused, is that really such a bad thing?
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
I'm glad they left me a choice in this matter..... Hey any Zeppelin fans out there? That is.......if WMG doesn't object to this Blog. I'm trying to get enough money together to give the Warner Music Group an enima.
If you're still uncertain about how I feel concerning this debacle, you can listen to yesterday's song on the YouTube post.
Monday, December 04, 2006
But here they are anyway just in case you want to bore someone with useless knowledge, or you need to fill those painful gaps of silence when the relatives arrive with the re-gifted fruit cake. There's even some incidental facts to chew on as well.
Personally, I wonder why "Merry Christmas ya Little Fucker" didn't make the list. It was written for me by my next door neighbour when I was six. It's quite a good song. I noticed my other choice didn't make it either--- "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica.
1-The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) - Mel Tormé, Robert Wells
2-Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - Fred Coots, Haven Gillespie
3-Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Ralph Blane, Hugh Martin
4-Winter Wonderland - Felix Bernard, Richard B. Smith
5-White Christmas - Irving Berlin
6-Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! - Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne
7-Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer - Johnny Marks
8-Jingle Bell Rock - Joseph Carleton Beal, James Ross Boothe
9-I'll Be Home For Christmas - Walter Kent, Kim Gannon, Buck Ram
10-Little Drummer Boy - Katherine K. Davis, Henry V. Onorati, Harry Simeone
11-Sleigh Ride - Leroy Anderson, Mitchell Parish
12-It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year - Edward Pola, George Wyle
13-Silver Bells - Jay Livingston, Ray Evans
14-Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Johnny Marks
15-Feliz Navidad - José Feliciano
16-Blue Christmas - Billy Hayes, Jay W. Johnson
17-Frosty The Snowman - Steve Nelson, Walter E. Rollins
18-A Holly Jolly Christmas - Johnny Marks
19-I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Tommie Connor (PRS)
20-Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) - Gene Autry, Oakley Haldeman
21-It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas - Meredith Willson
22-(There's No Place Like) Home For The Holidays - Bob Allen, Al Stillman
23-Carol Of The Bells - Peter J. Wilhousky, Mykola Leontovich
24-Santa Baby - Joan Ellen Javits, Philip Springer, Tony Springer
25-Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney (PRS) I wonder if he still feels the same way after the Mills debacle?
Some facts about the Top 25 ASCAP Holiday Songs:
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" and "Winter Wonderland" (both 1934)
Wonderful Christmastime (1979)
Songs introduced in motion pictures:
"White Christmas" in Holiday Inn (1942)
"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" in Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
"Silver Bells" in The Lemon Drop Kid (1950)
Writer with most Top Holiday Songs:
Johnny Marks with three - "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," and “A Holly Jolly Christmas”
Most recorded Holiday Song:
"White Christmas" with well over 500 versions in dozens of languages.
"Sleigh Ride" is the only Holiday song written originally as an instrumental piece for a symphony orchestra. The Boston Pops Orchestra gave the first performance in a concert conducted by Arthur Fiedler at Symphony Hall in Boston, May 4, 1948. Mills Music published it that same year. The Boston Pops Orchestra recorded it in June of 1949. Mitchell Parish added lyrics in 1949.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
But come on! Am I really to expect a few bucks from these things? For one, who clicks on ads for custom packaging solutions or, shipping freeze dried goods or, chew toys for your boa constrictor? 1 in 50,000 maybe? I don't even have that many hits after two years of blogging.
I might as well be linking Nebraska— nothing to see here except football and corn. Please move along.
I guess, since the related material is supposedly "geared" more to what you Blog, I thought I’d have ads for solving incontinence or, increasing penis size or, finding hot bimbos in Biloxi, Boston, or Beaverton.(That's a funny word! I wrote Boston.)
These are all something people can use.
In fact, when I was checking referrals on my site today, I noticed one of my visitors found me after typing, "Sticky, sperm, plastic pants," into his/her search engine. That's more like it.
It’s been two days and I already need some new affiliations.
Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to search, "Sticky, sperm, plastic pants," and see where I rank.