Friday, October 31, 2008

The worst treats to give at Halloween

Suckers: There really isn’t anything wrong with a sucker, but there's also nothing particularly right. It's just generic hard candy on a stick—there's a reason you get suckers at the doctor's, when you get a haircut, when your mom goes to the bank, or any time an adult who isn't your parent or guardian needs you to shut up and stop crying. You can't possibly be excited by suckers at Halloween after receiving so many for so long. You only eat the suckers from your Halloween swag in late November, when your candy supply has dwindled to “Donner Party” levels.

Candy Corn: For reasons unknown, candy corn is one of the staples of Halloween, despite it tasting like stale wax with a slight sugar coating.

It looks like the diseased teeth of a dragon that eats children. It is only given out to kids by the very elderly, who are still trying to tune into FDR's fireside chats, or by twisted sadists who obviously hate children, because candy corn is fucking disgusting. Like magic—dark, evil magic—there has never been a piece of candy corn that tasted like it was made in the same decade it was consumed.

Pennies: There was a time when getting a penny meant something. This was when a child could go on down to the general store and get eighteen Jimmies, a pack of Lucky Strikes and a fine pair of sock garters. However, times have changed, women can vote, socks just magically stay up and pennies are now just a copper burden on all of society. By giving them to children, you are simply telling them that you are too cheap to buy candy and wish to humiliate them by giving them the contents of your couch cushions. The sole item a child can buy with pennies is a package of matches, which hopefully they will use to start a fire on your property.

Apples: Thanks to urban legends about our nation's plethora of razor blades and psychos, nature’s candy has gotten a bum rap that will have most parents tossing out the most nutritious thing received on Halloween night. Of course, you’re a moron to give out apples in the first place; even the Amish know that they ’re bad hoodoo. Children likely started many of the rumors about razor blades, because nobody wants a friggin' apple on Halloween.

Toothbrush: There is nothing more passive-aggressive than giving out a freaking toothbrush on Halloween. If you’ve ever done it or are planning to, please punch yourself in the groin. The people who give out such things are also the same folks who bring you “socks at Christmas” and the co-favorite “school supplies on your fucking birthday." Give these out, and know that the universe will eventually repay you—in the form of children egging and/or toilet-papering your house, hopefully.

Lovingly ripped from

Dad's desert island collection #42

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Last minute costume ideas

How about.....

Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all....nothing at all....nothing at all.

Friday, October 24, 2008

One week left shoppers

Holy jumping Jesus! It`s only a week away from Halloween and I haven`t posted a damn thing about it.

So here`s a bunch of links to get you cranked up for the night of ghouls and goblins.

Night of the Living Dead Bunnies

Worst ghost ever!

Night of the Chicken Dead

Dad's desert island collection #41

Franchises available

You know, there are always Franchise trade shows touting freedom by owning your own business. If you call freedom making little or no money for years while you work your fingers to the bone then I guess what they sell is true.

What you really need is a franchise where you just pick up the phone, take their money, print off a brochure and a couple of tickets and vouchers, fire them off in the mail and you're done. Next!

Here at Strangedaze I am opening a new business, that for a modest fee, you can buy a franchise and it will all be that simple.

We're talking luxury accommodations in the Afterlife with packages to suit all denominations.

The Standard package: Starting as low as $1,999.00- For the non believer, this package allows you to protect your ass just in case there really is a God and Heaven. Includes continental breakfast for all eternity and daily maid service. Price based on double occupancy.

The Christianity Tabula Rasa upgrade: $2,879.00- Includes the above as well as a get-out-of-Hell-free card. All sins will be wiped clean and you'll get a personal 8 x 10 autographed welcome from Jesus.

Hey Judaism package: $3,659.00- Oye! Own your personal piece of Heaven away from all the other Goyim. Includes mazuzza's to hang on your cloud in this luxurious, ham-free environment.

72 Virgin upgrade: $4,500.00 (our most popular seller and a bargain for all those virgins.) This a big seller with Muslims and other denominations alike. Just make sure the cheque clears before your suicide mission.

Catholicism Pedo upgrade: $8,775.00 For those who crave a little taboo in the Afterlife, this package is for you. From milk carton to your personal space in hedonism, choose from a multitude of nationalities- available in male or female.

Please note: There are no blackout periods until Dec. 21st 2012. After that date, only Premium Club card holders will have access to the package of their choosing. So book now!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Saw dust

BEETON, Ont. - An Ontario Provincial Police detachment said Wednesday that prank phone calls related to the upcoming release of the horror movie "Saw 5" have caused concern for some citizens.

OK first you have to take into consideration, this is Beeton we're talking about here; home of Beeton Meats next to the Beeton Off Ramp. Not too smart up there in Beeton.

Police in the Nottawasaga detachment based in Beeton, north of Toronto, said they received several complaints about the calls in the past few days.

And those were just the ones from Harper asking for their vote.

The source of the calls is an interactive website being used to promote the movie, police said in a release.

My bad.

On the website, anyone can enter another person's name, the police said. The site generates a "scary message" that can then be dialled to any home phone number.

"(The message) causes some concern for people who don't know the basis of the movie (and) . . . don't know about the prank call that's possible," said provincial police Const. Tracey Bednarczyk.

Unfortunately the first Saw movie doesn't get released until this Christmas in Beeton.

"We just want to make the community aware that this is out there, (that) people are doing it as a prank thing and not to be concerned."

Saw 5, which was filmed in Toronto, is due to be released Oct. 24.

Lionsgate, which is distributing the film, did not respond immediately Wednesday for a request for comment.

But if you know anyone in Beeton and want to scare the bejesus out of them go to
Saw V and create your own message.

Dad's desert island collection #40

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

C monsters

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving...well, except State-side- you guys have to wait another month.

This week is brought to you by the letter C. Enjoy.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Amazing yardsale finds #7

Hard to believe that people are still doing the yard sales this late in the year and on a long weekend, but they are there. Just check out my most recent scores in secondhand merchandise.

Book of: Young Teen Action

Cost: $0.75

At first I thought I had made a steal by purchasing this book, but it wasn't what I first thought. Disappointed!

Sperm Bucket and Squeegee

Cost: $2.50

Bought it in conjunction with the Young Teen Action book. Now what am I supposed to do? Clean car windows?

The Gay Bob Doll (still in box)

Cost: $4.25

The guy insisted it was a collectors item but I managed to get him down from $10.00
Craig's List here I come! But don't tell Gay Bob that. And it would probably be a good idea to keep the doll separate from my Sperm bucket and squeegee.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008


While The Dark Knight broke box-office records here and reigned supreme, I thought it might be cool to look around at other countries and the movies that were top dog in those respective this gem.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Got Ween?

It's October which should only lead your mind to one thing and that's not Thanksgiving.

There's a bunch of Americans reading this wondering, why they would be thinking of Thanksgiving in October?

I talk of the best day of the year, Halloween....OK the second best day of the year....forgot about Pottahawk for a moment.

And with Halloween there is much preparation in store for those who embrace this festive time. So over the next few weeks I will do my best to guide the way with tips, info and how-to's so you don't end up wearing your mother's wedding dress and spilling barbecue sauce on it, in a lame attempt to snag some candy.

It will all be here: from how to make an adequate costume with just a ball of thread, silver plated napkin ring and a paper clip, to how cheese rapped in tin foil will suffice when the candy runs out, to how to scare the little buggers away from your house if this time of the year is not for you.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Amazing yardsale finds #6

Dick Pole rookie card

Cost: $0.75

With all the Fukudome controversy surrounding the Chicago Cub's player I went out with the sole purpose to find his baseball card. As you can see, I failed, but as a suitable replacement I managed to purchase this one instead. As I understand it, Dick Pole was a heavy swinger who was eventually released from the Seattle Mariners due to his quick release.

Two Finger Squirter- Still in package.

Cost: $1.50

Although I forgot to ask if this item was for specific use in the pink, or in the stink?

The Man Lock by McGard

Cost: $2.25

I'm told MacGyver invented a better one, but what the hey. I'm sure this baby will come in handy if I ever find myself in prison.

Saturday, October 04, 2008


Kosuke Fukudome isn't just causing problems for the Cubs, he's also making life difficult for high school students in suburban Chicago, as 15-year-old Jill Howe discovered earlier this week.

The Elgin High School sophomore had to remove her Kosuke Fukudome jersey and wear a gym T-shirt to class Wednesday because of a misunderstanding about how to pronounce the All-Star right-fielder's last name.

"Someone stopped me in the hall and asked me what the back of my jersey said," Jill [Howe] said.

Seriously? There are people who live near Chicago who still haven't heard of him? Apparently so. Not only was the school staffer who stopped Jill oblivious but so was the school's dean. After Jill's mother called to complain later in the day, the assistant principal eventually agreed that Fukudome apparel would be allowed.

Chalk up one for that Jill chick. Little do they know she's probably sucking cock under the bleachers every noon hour.

Good thing he cleared that up; after Fuk-u-do-me's recent goose egg and subsequent benching, I'm sure there will be absolutely no one who will want to wear that jersey on purpose. You know what's really funny? It turns out that Fukudome's dwindling relevancy was largely responsible for this controversy in the first place:

"She's a big Cubs fan...

When she's not sucking cock!

...and we got the jersey at Dick's," said Jill's mom, Nancy Howe.

See! Even the sports store is phallic.

"We were going to get a [Kerry] Wood one, but it cost more."

Kerry Wood. Shit is this whole family obsessed with the penis?

If Fukudome had actually hit anything since the All-Star break maybe his jersey wouldn't be on the discount rack serving as a trap for budget-conscious students with clueless teachers lacking pop culture context.

Something tells me this shirt is going to be everywhere in the next few months. Not to mention a whole lot of teenage pregnancies sometime next summer.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

American hysterectomy X

Looks like congress is going to aprove the Strangedaze bailout package. Which is great news. Daily blogging should resume shortly.