Under the B

A man was mugged in Mitchieville for $1000.00 in bingo winnings by four angry women who’d been waiting on single numbers in a jackpot game. Now, GIGC likes to go play bingo on occasion and went the same night as this offense.

I became concerned, fearing she was somehow involved in this violent outburst, until I discovered the posse of would-be vigilantes were all under five feet and not one registered under 200 lbs before they made off with their ill-gotten booty, albeit very slowly.

Unfortunately for the victim, he died of a heart attack soon after the beating, collapsing in the bingo hall after being repeatedly dabbed under the eye.

Booze garden

I've been hearing, if you want your daffodils to last longer, pour alcohol on them. It strengthens the roots and adds a vibrancy to the flower. Needless to say the daffodils in our garden are all dead, but I'm shitfaced most of the time, so all is right in the world.

Hold the reindeer sausage will ya pal

So you’re in the remote parts of Alaska, and you get a craving for pizza. Until now you could just forget it. But apparently, the pizza guy will fly your choice of pie in to your location for a $60 delivery charge.

"Turn left at the walrus....second igloo on the right."

Towing the line

This week in the sleepy burbs near London Ontario. Police discovered the biker massacre of eight men, (three of whom were tow truck drivers). This has called into question the whole towing industry. Some now say the towing business is rampant with bikers moving weed and cocaine in the trunks of towed vehicles to waiting customers. After all, how many tow trucks have you seen pulled over by police?

I have a funny feeling I'm going to have engine trouble soon.

Money changes everything

Scientists have discovered the brain reacts in different ways when the loss of money is involved. Probably why people blow their temporal lobes out when they lose it all.

Personally I’m still waiting for the study on what the brain does when you take a really good dump.

Datin' season

Spring is here and love is in the air. The best advice from many columnists to those seeking contact with the opposite sex is, to take the initiative and start a conversation by smiling or saying, "Hi".

I find the Mayor has some interesting suggestions....or....

If I may add my two cents to those of you who are too shy to continue a conversation from there.....

I find that the line, "I’m verbally challenged, but orally gifted, Let’s fuck," gets straight to the point and you won't waist too much time on the wrong person.

Poppa needs a brand new pair of diapers

For the second time within a week an unattended child has been found in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino while the parent was inside gambling.

That’s disgusting. I'm appaled!

What happened to the good old days when your parents would just leave you in the car at the bar while they were inside getting plastered?

I may be poor, but I look spectacular

It was said this week, women will spend $400,000.00 on beauty aids over their life time.

Je-sus! $400.000.00!

Do you know how much porn I could get with that? I could open my own adult video, "Cuming soon?"

No wonder those bingo women murdered that poor guy?

I mean Christ, you could get 1,567 tow truck deliveries......or pay for 2,621 dates with the opposite sex. Fuck! That's 5652 Alaskan pizzas with extra seal blubber or....or 10,000 baby sitters.....ok 1,000 baby sitters and use the rest to gamble with.

I think my fuckin’ brain just popped a vessel....damn, I need a drink.