Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Never mind your kid's toys

Your pet is on drugs!

Wood revisited

The Plank

Another one for guys who point straight out or slightly down. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet and lean forward, supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet. Take aim and hold your body rigid. This position also strengthens your abs and core muscles.

The Girly Man

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sit down to pee. Sit on the john with your legs apart and lean forward so your penis points down into the bowl. You may have to press down on your erection slightly to make sure you don't pee out and down the front of the bowl. And no, sitting down doesn’t make you any less manly, especially if there are extenuating circumstances. What? You say it’s so long you can’t keep it from dragging in the water? Oh, alright then.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Saturday, March 28, 2009

A lazy dog-dangling Saturday

It's the weekend, the work week has ended and you just want to relax.....or maybe not?

Famous dudes I almost know (part 4)

The Junos are this weekend for those who give a rat's ass.

Show of hands!!!!....that's two people who give a rat's ass.

The show will once again be hosted by comedian Russell Peters. What some of you may not know is Russell and I were almost best buds.

That's right. I could have been flying to Europe to catch him on tour, been giving him suggestions on new material, help him hide the dead hooker in the trunk of his car....oooooppps I've said too much.

But, alas it was not to be, those many years ago when we both attended my best friend Orson's Stag.

Damn it! I shouldn't have kept out bidding him on strippers.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Use the force nuke

It's Friday and I, more than most people, understand that you just want to blow shit up. Now's your chance.

Go here. Select a target using Google Maps....oh I don't know.....say Toronto.

Choose your method of obliteration....perhaps an asteroid?

Scream out, "Take that McGinty! How do you like harmonizing the tax system now?!?!"

Press Nuke it and imagine as millions of voices cry out in terror then are suddenly silenced.

Although, you have to use your own sound effects

Holly wood, if she had one.

Dealing with morning wood when you have to evacuate your bladder can be quite a task, so here is the second in a series dealing with the serious problem of, "How do you not pee all over yourself?"

The Lunge

If your morning wood slopes at a downward angle, consider yourself blessed. All you need to do is lunge forward so your stream of urine angles into the toilet. This prevents you from overshooting the bowl. Toward the end, as your stream gets weaker, you can deepen the lunge to avoid dribbling on the floor.

The Downward Dog

This position will work for just about anybody, but it is a little difficult to get into, and – if someone walks in on you – potentially kind of embarrassing. Stand facing away from the toilet, with a foot on either side of the bowl. Bend forward at the waist until you’re touching the floor (or the opposing wall, or the tub, depending on your bathroom layout). Adjust your stance so your junk is well inside the bowl - you don't want the pee to run down your front. If you get caught, claim that you like to wake up with a morning yoga workout.

Note: This position may encourage you to take better aim in general, since it will bring you face-to-face with the residue of near-misses and splatters that coat the floor and outer bowl surface.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Monday, March 23, 2009

Monday wood

Every morning men wake up to this catch-22: you desperately have to pee, but you have an erection, which makes it hard to urinate, but the hard-on won't go away until you empty your bladder. It's almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing the wrong way, so you end up peeing on the wall, the floor, or yourself.

You may have developed your own technique for dealing with this catch-22, but if not, here are some methods to take care of the aiming part, customized for the angle of your dangle.

The Flying Wallenda

If your erection angles up acutely, pointing at the ceiling, you’re out of luck. Your best bet is to install a trapeze over your toilet so you can hang upside down and let gravity do the rest. Warning: Attempting this maneuver using the shower curtain rod may result in head injury

The Strong Arm

This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and don’t let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this won’t work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, don’t force it down – you could break something, seriously.

to be continued

Sunday, March 22, 2009

You kid's toys are on drugs #7

Even more B.J. tips for don't spit-swallow

I barely tried swallowing because of one bad taste experience, but now I always have a glass with Coca Cola ready. After swallowing I drink some cola and it really helps getting rid of the aftertaste. - Joyce, Holland

I like to throw my head back as though I'm drinking a shot. - TD, Maryland

Blokes, swallow some yourself one day, that way you are showing that there really is nothing wrong with it. She may find it wrong to swallow but (let's face it) most guys are very uncomfortable with this taboo. She'll feel a little silly for wondering why she never did it. - M., London

If you deep throat you can barely taste it, not that it tastes bad. I rather enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. - Anonymous, U. S.

Just close you eyes and swallow fast like your taking meds. - Anonymous, U.S.

Ten seconds of yuck doesn't equal ten minutes. Remember, men usually are up to their eyelashes in a woman's juices - so women shouldn't complain about a teaspoon! - Anonymous, Canada

Swallowing my man's cum has never been an issue with me. It's something I've always enjoyed. He inserts his penis inside my mouth and puts it all the way in and then moves back and forth until he explodes in my mouth. I sometimes spit it into a glass and then drink it down. Sometimes I put his cum in my coffee cup; it's better than cream. I would never spit my man's cum out. That would be totally wrong and would make your man think you didn't like it. The taste of cum is a bit different. However, it's not as hard to take as you think and if you really have a problem with the taste there's always mouthwash. - Amy, U. S.

If you don't like to swallow, just ask your boyfriend if it's OK if you have a drink next to the bed. You can come up with an excuse like, "Giving blowjobs makes my mouth dry," or just say you like to have a drink afterwards. You could also tell him the truth, but you'll never know how he's gonna take it (it might be insulting). When you have just swallowed, give him a smile and wait a few seconds before reaching over to your drink to get the sperm-taste out of your mouth. Hardly any man will notice. - Anonymous, Holland

I always found whenever I was receiving a blow job, my 'muff' got in the way, but I never thought anything of it until I was giving the nickname Muffy, my actual name being Murphy. I found that if I give myself a little trim down there, it appears to increase the size of your organ. And if your lover does swallow, she won't choke on anything. My girlfriend liked it a lot more as well. - Muffy, England

Just get his dick far down your throat when he cums! It's brilliant because you miss the taste (if you do not like it - I personally do), and it goes straight down your throat. Plus the boy will really like it. - Minerva, U. K.

But this one goes to eleven

The 11 most unnecessary how-to guides on the internet.

Numbers that go to 10

The 10 funniest Onion News Network videos.

The top 10 dudes with ponytails.

10 classic cons.

10 awesome ads that traumatize children.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Yummy Bukkake goodness

We haven't looked in on our Japanese friends in a while. Let's see what they're up to......

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Links....that's an Irish thing isn't it?

Here are some things you'll need to know today.

How to make green beer Leprechaun style.

A variety of St. Pat's Day drinks.

And finally, the anatomy of a hangover.


If things weren't bad enough already

I didn't get a chance to comment on T.O. coming to Buffalo last week, so I'll take the opportunity now, or better yet, I'll let Hitler do it.

This is for you GIGC.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Friday, March 13, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Masturbate for peace #3

It wouldn't be sex week without....

More swallowing tips for the BJ connoisseur. Although this being hump day....oh never mind.

I find that it's not the taste of cum that bothers me, it's the consistency. Therefore, I get my man to drink fruit juice a couple of hours beforehand, and I take a deep breath as he's about to cum and take him as far down my throat as I can. That way there's no icky feeling on my lips. - Anonymous, England

Just swallow it and as soon as you're done, eat an apple and the taste goes right away - or eat an apple just before you blow him! - Anonymous, California

Have your partner eat something sweet beforehand. Onions are very unpleasant. - Anonymous, Houston

It was never amount or taste of semen that bothered me when giving my fiancé head. Both of those can be managed accordingly. The biggest aversion to swallowing I have is the unpleasant gastrointestinal effects afterward. ;) We always kept a bottle of Pepto Bismol next to the bed. Not exactly romantic, but better than spending the entire morning in the water closet. - Megan, Florida

When my man comes in my mouth I always swallow. My technique is simple: I have my man put his cock inside my mouth as far as possible and give him a nice head job until his cock swells up and he can't hold it anymore and he comes in my mouth. There is no pulling his cock out when he starts to come because I want it all, every last drop of cum. After he pulls his hard cock out of my mouth, I show him his cum in my mouth before I swallow it. Sometimes I will spit it in my hand and then lick it off my hand, or spit it into my coffee cup - makes my coffee taste 100 percent better. One more thing, too - instead of jam or butter, I spread cum on my toast - delicious and no calories! - JJ, U. S.

I find it easier to swallow if I give the blowjob upside down. (Head hanging over the side of the bed, or if you have gravity boots, these are ideal.) This makes it just slide right down your throat with no thought required. - Laura, Charleston

Diet is the answer. A few years ago, when I was smoking and drinking like hell, it was easy to guess how it tasted from the expression of my partners. I quit smoking, drink lot less, do sports, eat huge amounts of protein and healthy stuff. I happened to taste my cum (it was an accident, folks) and man, I'm happy for the women who taste it - they won't crave candy anymore. - James, L. A.

When you feel your man about to come (usually tightening up or a moan or grunt) put his cock to the back of your throat so you don’t need to taste or feel the texture of the cum. - Jackie, N. Y.

I have heard if you eat celery it makes your cum taste good. - Shawn, Massachusetts
Swallowing cum is mostly psychological. The thought that cum is an excrement tends to make it seem dirty or unhealthy. Just remember this as you taste cum - it is the purest of pure. It has to be to make little babies. Also, guys need to remember to keep their cocks and crotches clean. Just like a pussy that's been well fucked over a period of time, if the cock isn't kept clean, it will smell unenticing. - Doug, U. S.

Monday, March 09, 2009

It's a good old fashion, tribute to sex, week

And what better way to kick it off than with a pop-up book of all your favorite sexual positions....

Masturbate for peace #1

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Friday, March 06, 2009

Need a lift?

It's stupid I know, but I laughed like hell.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Pants Wars

If only George Lucas had the foresight to insert the word pants into key lines of dialogue, Star Wars would have been a much funnier series of films.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
The Force is strong in my pants.
You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
Pull up! All pants pull up!
A disturbance in the pants. I have not felt this since near my old master...
I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!
He has no time for smugglers who drop their pants first sign of Imperials
That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!
I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of our pants forever
The pants will be down in moments, sir, you can begin your landing
These aren't the pants you're looking for.
Looks like someone's beginning to take an interest in your pants.
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants.
I am altering the pants. Pray that I don't alter them any further
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
Search your pants, you know it to be true.
Tell that to Jabba. If you're lucky he might only take your pants.
I'm not in this for your revolution, I'm in it for the pants
"Great pants kid! Don't get cocky!"

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

You kid's toys are on drugs #3

Again with the BJ tips

If you try to deep throat and are having a problem, use Chloraseptic mouth spray. It will numb your throat. I use it and can deep throat 7 inches without any problem. Also, swallow as soon as the load hits your mouth. You'll taste very little that way. - Bobbie Jo, Kentucky

The day before and day of an anticipated BJ, do the following: Drink plenty of water. Use a lot of nonsugar sweeteners such as stevia, Splenda, or others. They are usually more concentrated than sugar, and will not be intercepted by insulin in your bloodstream. Avoid saccharin, Nutrasweet and other artificial products, as these may be bad for your health. Add seasonings like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and fruit extracts to foods and drinks whenever possible. Make blender drinks with fresh or frozen fruit, adding the sweeteners and flavorings mentioned above. Take supplements like chlorophyll and enteric-coated peppermint. Avoid fish, beer, milk, cigarettes, red meat, garlic, onions, asparagus, and cabbage. Thank your girl for making you feel so good! - Anonymous, U. S.

I read in my man's Playboy about giving BJs and learned this trick. It really helps. If you make a fist when he is about to blow and place it between his balls and his asshole, it really cuts down on "the load" that has to be swallowed. - Anonymous, U. S.

I tell my partner to let me know when he's ready to cum, and just as he's ready to shoot, I take him all the way down. This way he cums in my throat but it's easy to swallow when he takes his Viagra and shoots it deep. It takes a little practice but when you get it right you will love the way it feels when his semen floods your throat. And of course, there's very little mess left over. Your man will do just about anything for you after you deep throat his load. - Anonymous, Canada

Drink orange juice before a blowjob...that way the taste is bearable...and tasty!!! - Anonymous, U. S.

I like to have an average or smaller cock that fits in my mouth perfectly and just put it in the back of my mouth when he cums. That way it completely skips my taste buds, and I can still feel the pulsations (which I love) and the way it feels to drink it. - Jared, L. A.

If you put something in your mouth and then swallow, it will make it taste a little, but ooh baby, it's worth it!! I was giving this guy head and he came in my mouth. I had a piece of strawberry gum in my mouth and I could barely taste it. If you deep throat, that works too! - Anonymous, Michigan

Make him cum more often so the loads won't be as big. Henceforth, a smaller load to swallow. - Anonymous, Nashville

Three words... Semenex, Semenex, Semenex !!! - Sean, Arizona

We tried the smoothie (3 times over 1 day) and the blow job was delicious! It's now part of the routine and it seemingly gets better and richer. With a shot of whipped cream it's a healthy dessert! - Brian, Michigan

Monday, March 02, 2009

You kid's toys are on drugs #2

Black humor for a blue Monday

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.