Saturday, December 30, 2006
Now, technically, the blessed date is tomorrow, but as GIGC confirmed, I've always been known to blow my load early, so here goes....
The Mayor's a swell, yet demented, guy and is well thought of by many. I don’t who they are, but I assure you, they are many......just kidding ya big lug!
Many happy returns to you and you pony pal Fenris too. It’s been another amazing, side-splitting, year of laughter and memories from the Mayor's office to the manor.
One further note: Sorry they were all out of penis cakes that looked like the number two.
However, after thinking long and hard, --- no pun intended--- I decided it was preferable to the other cake they had.
Now, you too can make erotic baked goods for those special occasions.
Write to me to order your Strangedaze Erotic Penis Cake Pan.
Cost: $19.95 plus $8.00 shipping and handling fee.
Warning: Product does not actually exist, so may not arrive as ordered.
But here's my vote for best new release of 06.
And if your looking for something new to push out the old, may I suggest this week's new release: Moscow Nights- Popular Russian Hits.
Friday, December 29, 2006
What would Kevin Federline Do?
In fact, I was just there a few days ago and asked him the best way to go about squeezing every last cent out of my Ex and gaining custody of the kids. I have yet to get a response.
Digging up shit on celebrities.
Their shit may stink just like ours, but it's worth a hell-of-a-lot more.
Family Guy 24 in 24 seconds.
With another season of 24 around the corner, why not reaquaint yourself with this gem?
Haven't you always dreamed of porn you can show your kids?
By far, my favourite link from last year.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I'm not in the habit of posting the U2bes on Thursday, I know, but last night I was watching the Funniest Ads for 2006. Although mostly amusing, I felt they missed their mark on top selection. In my opinion, this is the Ad that should have been #1. I laughed so hard, one of my testicles shot up into my body and I haven't seen it since.
These two spring to mind. What if GIGC had her own Blog and How I'd improve the Winter Olympics.
However, by far, my favourite was the Death becomes us post that took a fictitious look at the untimely ends of my close friend base if a death pool were involved.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Although we should be looking forward, the next few posts are all about honouring the past and the year that will soon be history.
I would like to continue a tradition I started last year by presenting favourite moments from my Blog in 06.
Very funny. Don't think I don't hear you out there saying, "Really, I didn't realize there were any?"
I'd like to start with pictures. Although arguably you can make a strong case for any Pottahawk picture like this one.....
My selection for most memorable posted pic would have to go Godzilla Johnny Wad terrorizing Pottahawk.
Honourable mention: Val Kilmer as Bigfoot.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Why? because it's warm and smooth and make's me feel great. It's tradition. Why, I've had a Dicken's Cider every X-mas since I was about 16.
GIGC loves a Dicken's Cider on Christmas morning too. In fact, of all the people who have experienced it, I don't think there's one who doesn't love to have a Dicken's Cider anytime of the year.
Even my mother loves it, but thankfully she sneaks hers in the middle of the night and I don't have to watch her with a Dicken's Cider.
Sure there are those unfortunate poor souls who are so over excited at the prospect of having a Dicken's Cider that they actually spill it all over the place when they get it. But who can blame them? It's addictive. Once you have it, you want it all the time.
In the past few years my son has started to appreciate a Dicken's Cider and I'm sure he'll be having many more.
So from GIGC and myself I'd like to wish you all the best for the holiday season and hopefully you'll have a Dicken's Cider too.
Dan Betzer and Louie - Tell the Bible Classics Vol III- Just try and stop me from getting this one, since I already have Volumes I & II
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Later in the evening we were told to choose numbers. Then the task of sequential selection and the ability to steal once from someone else was instituted.
I thought, what a bloody great idea.....I could regift and no one would know it was me. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation where you know your generosity is anonymous, here are twelve rules you should be aware of when dumping the unwanted ghost of Christmas presents.
1- Don’t mention that it’s a regift.
2- Update the wrapping
3- Don’t give hand-me-downs.
4- Have the courtesy to blow the dust off your gift.
5- Don’t give products from defunct companies.
Ok forget all these rules. First, in a situation as I described above, doing all these things only lessens the hilarity of watching someone’s face twist into a hideous mask of disgust and then force a smile through it to say, thank you for the...uh...lovely gift. But I would suggest you at least remove the initial tags that had your name on it.
6- Do keep track of who gave it to you first.
Good idea. Somewhere down the line, a chance to get even will present itself. Remember the old Klingon saying: Revenge is a regift best served cold.
7- Don't EVER regift these items.
Certain items are a total, dead, instant giveaway that you are not only regifting, but you're too lame to put any effort into it: candles, soap, random books, mysterious CDs, obscure software, cheesy jewelry, scarves, fruitcake, pens, cologne, boxed sets of extinct bath products, videos or DVDs obviously acquired on a street corner, socks and any appliances or electronic gear the giftee would be puzzled to receive because they probably just got rid of it.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Have you heard nothing I’ve said? Hello ANONYMOUS GIFT GIVING! Feel free to give all these items. In fact, I suggest you use what you can first, soap, half-burned candles, dog-eared books, half-eaten fruitcakes, (although that one’s a stretch).
It shows the recipient you took the time and effort to make sure these gifts fulfilled their intended purpose.
8- Don't give partially used gift cards.
Why not? I mean when am I ever going to spend that last $3.49 at Home Depot? I hate to be redundant, but see above.
9- Don't give something you've owned for a while.
Only applies if you’re giving to people who would recognize the picture frame from your living room wall......that reminds me....take out the picture of you and your family before you wrap it.....I won’t make that mistake again.
10- Do regift champagne.
Oh, and in the meantime what do I drink?
11- Do sell your gifts on eBay.
Wrong. First you have to list it. Then you have to wait a week with your hunk of junk until some hillbilly who really wants an 8 track tape of Nat King Cole's A Christmas Memory, (because he thought it was Mammary), decides to part with fifty cents.
Then you have to put the item in a bubble-wrap mailer that costs $1.50, trudge through the snow and mail the fucker for another $8 bucks because the hillbilly wanted insurance on his purchase.
Then eBay takes its cut and after requesting such a small amount be transferred to your account from PayPal, they charge you as well.
At this point I don't think there's any need for sarcasm by saying, oh yeah great idea!
12- Do remember that regifts can be funny.
But it's up to you to follow this advice and make it that way. Here's what I'm giving my Mom this year.
"Don't worry......be happy.....don't worry be happy now..."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
But, that’s ok because I’ve found an alternative. That’s right me, Strange. I have the answer.
Let me ask you, what kid doesn’t want to hear his or her name in a song? No kid, that’s who. Here is a site where you can order specialized CD’s, books, what-have-you, all with the name of your child in them. From Adam to Owen, no name is untouchable for these guys. Here just listen to this song with Samantha in it.
Wasn’t that cool....in a creepy sort of way?
It all got me thinking— which is not necessarily a good thing— will they put any name in there? Because why stop at given names. There’s a few nieces and nephews I’d like to get this gift for.
Merry Christmas, Shit-head, Bean-Fart, You Little Fuck, and You’ll Never Amount to Anything. Oh I can't forget the kid from next door. Merry Christmas Your Father is a Drunk and Your Mommy is a Whore.
And Merry Christmas to you all.
Shit-Head Jesus loves you
Shit-Head Jesus loves you
And love, love, love comes a tricklin' down
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Well, I’ll tell you.
So, you don’t have a lot of money to burn this Christmas. My friends, I was in the same boat a few years back and I just gave everyone on my list IOU’s for GNR’s Chinese Democracy.
I said as soon as it’s released you’ll get your gift. Eight years later, I’m happy to report this thing is still not out. In fact, Axl Rose just fired his manager and the release date was pushed back yet again.
The bumbling and botching of this album is like Apocalypse Now and Water World rolled into one giant disaster— long overdue and grossly over budget. Even Sly has got Rocky back in the public consciousness sooner. The second coming of Christ might take place before you see this disc on store shelves.
I’m telling you this debacle may never see the light of day. It’s a can’t lose Christmas gift for those who want to avoid emptying the pocket book.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Nothing says, "Get the hell out of my house. You've overstayed you welcome you X-mas freeloader!" like the following two recommendations: Jan Gorisseu's Pettrige Kertsdargen & Eilerts Jul. I mean honsetly, who names their kid Jan or Eilerts? You're just asking for an ass-kicking. It's like naming your kid Plexico, Tiki, or Julius--- Except those guys grew up to be NFL players.....not that they weren't made to cry on the way there.
But enough of my yakin'.....get out and pick these buggers up.
BTW, FYI, "Kertsdargen" is crazy Dutch bastard for "Christmas days". Yet, "De vreemde bedwelming", is crazy Dutch bastard for "Strangedaze". Go figure.
Friday, December 15, 2006
So, for today only, it’s the return of Chuck Norris Monday--- except on a Friday. Perhaps it will make you feel better after you witness man vs runaway tire.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
But that's not why I'm here today. I'm here to tell you more "blah,blah,blah" about our melting polar ice caps and global warming.
Hey! Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just passing along the projection that by 2040--- or there abouts--- Santa isn't going to have a home. It's all here if you need to take a look. They say shit like:
If greenhouse gases continue to build at their current rate, the study found, the Arctic's ice cover would go through periods of stability followed by abrupt retreat.
One simulation projects that by 2040, only a small amount of perennial ice would remain on the north coasts of Greenland and Canada during the summer months.
So,the rest would look like this.
Merry Christmas darling. Could you turn up the air conditioning and put out Ol' St. Nick's milk and SPF 5000?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
However, there was one ad that had me howling in my, Strange-that’s-not-really-funny-but-it-is-in-a-dark-kind-of-way, way.
It was an advertisement for KFC pitching their yule-tide specials. Now, keeping in mind Christmas is the loneliest time of the year for some, you can see why I found the following macabre, yet amusing.
KFC’s regular special is the Festive Family Feast with all kinds of artery clogging goodies and a ginger-bread-man making kit thrown in for good measure. On the tube is a generic family, all hugs and kisses, basking in Christmas's warm, gushing, glistening, glow over a megga bucket of the Colonel's gristled finest.
But, they also touted the Festive Feast For One.
There on the screen was this poor, hapless bastard grinning like it was the best day of his life. He couldn't wait to die a slow death by eleven herbs and spices. Chowing down on his single serving portions, before shoving the barrel of a gun into his mouth, no doubt, and pulling the trigger.
I want to know, does this special include a ginger-bread-making kit for one, with cyanide candy eyes, or a length of rope conveniently tied into a noose? A little electric-chair party-hat perhaps?
Although, I, and other sick fucks like me, might have found the audacity all shits-and-giggles, I can see where the self-destructive-Grinch might not feel the same way having KFC thrust the loving X-mas fist of, "you're a loser", down his throat.
KFC should really check their sensitivity quotient before trying to squeeze every last dime out of an individual who’d rather spike the suicide rate than the egg-nog.
Maintain your target on the rest of us fat-turds slowly dying from morbid obesity than someone who might be flat-lining before they taste the green-slaw.
Anyway, we’re the lazy idiots who readily buy your deep fried rat’s ass— albeit very tasty rat’s ass— as it is.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Hmmm, maybe I could trim my nostil hair with this thing?But I digress.
It's a subtle way of saying "Baby, I think you need to endanger the Amazon a touch". I'm sure it comes with all sorts of fun Playdough attachments: stars, moons, green clovers,---or is that Lucky Charms?
She can have fun shaving her Sasquatch into the shape of an arrow and sarcastically state, "Now you know where your tongue goes".
And while you're picking her up such a wonderful gift, why not complement it with some anal bleaching cream? (It's how Michael Jackson gets his skin to look its whitest.) Besides, nothing's worse than a brown-eye that makes your little Ronstadt "blue". Soon you'll one step closer to talking her into ass-to-mouth.
Merry Christmas all.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
For the next four weeks I'm going to advocate collaborations of songs, so overwhelming, so joyful, so--- dare I say it?---Chrismasie, mating cats won't be able to compete with it.
For the Christmas season I recommend: Tiny Tim's Christmas Album
Friday, December 08, 2006
You know, if it wasn't for the Mayor, I don't think I'd ever have the experience of feeling liquid shoot out my nostrils--- Jack Daniels, milk, what-have-you. Today, in fact, I think I shat myself.....just a little....while I was reading some of his posts.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The first thing you need to make the eggnog course through your Scrooge-like inards, is the appropriate tree. May I suggest artificial? And not just any artificial tree but the "Hulk Smashin' Spruce", holiday tree.
It has everything you need, from the official purple Hulk tree-base, to the angry Hulk tree top. I don't suppose you'd be very happy either with a tree sticking out of your ass?
Anyway, it's all here if you want to check out the particulars.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
You can imagine my surprise, however, when I was notified by ebay, one of my auctions had been pulled......well, I'll let them explain about why it was delisted.....gentlemen.....
The rights owner, Warner Music Group, notified eBay that this listing violates intellectual property rights. When eBay receives a report of
this type of violation, we remove the listing to comply with the law.
The item in question is a Led Zeppelin (ancient) LP of a live recording in the old L.A. Forum that I tagged with the words "Collectable" & "Rare". Fighting words no doubt?
The following information may help explain the reason for your listing(s) removal:
eBay prohibits unauthorized copies of media (such as software, video games, music, television programs, and photographs). Unauthorized copies include (but are not limited to) backup, pirated, duplicated, or bootlegged copies. It is both illegal and against eBay policy to sell unauthorized copies of copyrighted media.
Just tie me upside down, beat me and use me for chip-dip why don't ya? Punish the 16 year old kid who made the purchase eons ago because he was a fan of the band. I'm sure by selling it now, I'm depriving poor Robert Plant from buying a few rolls of 8-ply toilet paper to wipe his golden, wrinkled ass.
An intellectual property rights owner ( Warner Music Group)has notified eBay that this item is an unauthorized copy of copyrighted material. Unauthorized copies include (but are not limited to) copies that are pirated, duplicated or bootlegged.
It's good to know the Warner Music Group is on the ball to recoup the $100 or so they would have lost by the sale of this item to a ravenous collector. Never mind the millions of torrents being downloaded daily, or the back-shops, in China Towns everywhere, busting with pirated movies and costing them billions. Good job!
We encourage you to contact Warner Music Group directly if you have any questions.
Sure, so they can send someone to my house, or fine me in person. Yeah that's going to happen.
Your eBay fees for this item have been credited to your account.
Great, I get my insertion fee returned. Does anyone know if Ho's will take a dime?
All bidders on this item have been notified of its cancellation.
Yup I can hear them crying from here.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Repeated violations of this or other eBay policies may result in the suspension of your account.
Really? For the frustration this has caused, is that really such a bad thing?
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
I'm glad they left me a choice in this matter..... Hey any Zeppelin fans out there? That is.......if WMG doesn't object to this Blog. I'm trying to get enough money together to give the Warner Music Group an enima.
If you're still uncertain about how I feel concerning this debacle, you can listen to yesterday's song on the YouTube post.
Monday, December 04, 2006
But here they are anyway just in case you want to bore someone with useless knowledge, or you need to fill those painful gaps of silence when the relatives arrive with the re-gifted fruit cake. There's even some incidental facts to chew on as well.
Personally, I wonder why "Merry Christmas ya Little Fucker" didn't make the list. It was written for me by my next door neighbour when I was six. It's quite a good song. I noticed my other choice didn't make it either--- "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica.
1-The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) - Mel Tormé, Robert Wells
2-Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - Fred Coots, Haven Gillespie
3-Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Ralph Blane, Hugh Martin
4-Winter Wonderland - Felix Bernard, Richard B. Smith
5-White Christmas - Irving Berlin
6-Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! - Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne
7-Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer - Johnny Marks
8-Jingle Bell Rock - Joseph Carleton Beal, James Ross Boothe
9-I'll Be Home For Christmas - Walter Kent, Kim Gannon, Buck Ram
10-Little Drummer Boy - Katherine K. Davis, Henry V. Onorati, Harry Simeone
11-Sleigh Ride - Leroy Anderson, Mitchell Parish
12-It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year - Edward Pola, George Wyle
13-Silver Bells - Jay Livingston, Ray Evans
14-Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Johnny Marks
15-Feliz Navidad - José Feliciano
16-Blue Christmas - Billy Hayes, Jay W. Johnson
17-Frosty The Snowman - Steve Nelson, Walter E. Rollins
18-A Holly Jolly Christmas - Johnny Marks
19-I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Tommie Connor (PRS)
20-Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) - Gene Autry, Oakley Haldeman
21-It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas - Meredith Willson
22-(There's No Place Like) Home For The Holidays - Bob Allen, Al Stillman
23-Carol Of The Bells - Peter J. Wilhousky, Mykola Leontovich
24-Santa Baby - Joan Ellen Javits, Philip Springer, Tony Springer
25-Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney (PRS) I wonder if he still feels the same way after the Mills debacle?
Some facts about the Top 25 ASCAP Holiday Songs:
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" and "Winter Wonderland" (both 1934)
Wonderful Christmastime (1979)
Songs introduced in motion pictures:
"White Christmas" in Holiday Inn (1942)
"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" in Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
"Silver Bells" in The Lemon Drop Kid (1950)
Writer with most Top Holiday Songs:
Johnny Marks with three - "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," and “A Holly Jolly Christmas”
Most recorded Holiday Song:
"White Christmas" with well over 500 versions in dozens of languages.
"Sleigh Ride" is the only Holiday song written originally as an instrumental piece for a symphony orchestra. The Boston Pops Orchestra gave the first performance in a concert conducted by Arthur Fiedler at Symphony Hall in Boston, May 4, 1948. Mills Music published it that same year. The Boston Pops Orchestra recorded it in June of 1949. Mitchell Parish added lyrics in 1949.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
But come on! Am I really to expect a few bucks from these things? For one, who clicks on ads for custom packaging solutions or, shipping freeze dried goods or, chew toys for your boa constrictor? 1 in 50,000 maybe? I don't even have that many hits after two years of blogging.
I might as well be linking Nebraska— nothing to see here except football and corn. Please move along.
I guess, since the related material is supposedly "geared" more to what you Blog, I thought I’d have ads for solving incontinence or, increasing penis size or, finding hot bimbos in Biloxi, Boston, or Beaverton.(That's a funny word! I wrote Boston.)
These are all something people can use.
In fact, when I was checking referrals on my site today, I noticed one of my visitors found me after typing, "Sticky, sperm, plastic pants," into his/her search engine. That's more like it.
It’s been two days and I already need some new affiliations.
Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to search, "Sticky, sperm, plastic pants," and see where I rank.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
On one hand, health officials warn of E-coli, and a visit from your favorite relatives Sam and Ella if you pull up a bar stool and get it on tap directly from the cow.
On the other side, farmers complain of loss of taste and nutrients once the pasteurizing process is complete.
Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I don’t drink milk.
Tis the season for Debit Card theft. So much so, the banks are getting all Scrooge McDuck on counterfeiter’s by introducing a new electronic chip to cards for 2007. The Debit cards will be much harder to forge and save the industry/ consumers billions in stolen revenue.
Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I seldom use my debit card.
It appears some female celebrities alla Brittany, Paris, Lindsay, are in the Christmas spirit. They’ve taken the giving mood one step further with the paparazzi and the adoring public, by wearing short skirts minus the underwear, so all may catch a glimpse of a catcher’s mitt Johnny Bench would be proud of.
Do you know what I’m saying? A little whiff of Tuna Town, the winking pink, some clitoral bubble-gum.
Health officials warn this practice is not only uncouth, but dangerous— not as dangerous as unpasteurized milk mind you, but this is the notorious trio we’re talking about who have ground more sausage than Schneider’s.
Certainly someone like Jennifer Aniston would be ok. Her quiff would conjure up images of kittens and fresh baked cinnamon rolls.
Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I haven’t munched on a decent cookie in some time. But that’s not really my call is it?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Since Pamela's available again and Kid Rock is once again no more, you'll need to know a few things about her if you're serious. Nick Di Paolo is just the guy with the info. My favorite line was "If she had dysentery I'd follow her around with a waffle cone."
Monday, November 27, 2006
Man driving down road .
Woman driving up same road .
They pass each other
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen...
I would also like to add, if only women would give men more sex, they wouldn't have to go out driving and looking for huge pigs.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
That’s it. I’m grabbing the clubs and heading for the links. But, before I go I suggest you head for the links as well. Check out the London Fog to read and think.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
See. That’s me there now, taking out the garbage and watching the hot chick from down the street walk by. Look, I'm waving.......Well...look closer.....Still don't see it?
Maybe I should have inserted one of those "you are here" arrows?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Wow! Where did they find people so old?
Pictured above, the notorious Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper was a stocky 30 year old with a moustache, receding hairline and bushy eyebrows, according to a composite drawing created for a British documentary.
Or in other words. Jack the Ripper was really Freddie Mercury.
"It's a popular misconception that nobody ever saw the murderer, that he just vanished into the fog of London," former Metropolitan Police commander John Grieve said in a statement.
I bet I would have made a reliable witness, because strangly enough, OBJ looks very much like the composite sketch of the killer. Although his M.O. only fits if you think of the Ripper as synonyous with flatulence.
One Ball Joe the Ripper
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
I had only seen Daniel Craig play villains in other movies like Road to Perdition, and could not perceive he would make a good 007. My mistake.
Although Casino Royale was kicked from obtaining first place by Happy Feet--- yet another penguin movie--- it still finished in the 40 mil range at the box office and everyone, including myself, have been jumping on the, much crowded, Bond-wagon.
I guess I'm just used to my Bonds having a slurred Scottish accent, and beating women up in their private life.
Once again, I was wrong.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Ok if you haven't registered the sausage metaphor by now, there's no hope for you.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Now you can keep vigil for the United States Government by signing up here and viewing hours upon hours of desert, fence, and cacti....oh and perhaps the odd Sanchez making a run for the land of opportunity to pick lettuce for $1.50 an hour. It's all accessible on line.
I don’t know if I’d sit and watch something like this as if it were a Hollywood blockbuster or the camera in the apartment lobby. I imagine there are some out there who would. Patriotic Americans sharpening their knives and loading their automatics as I speak.
Perhaps if the U.S. of A. Is serious about this and want everyone watching in prime-time, then they should offer an incentive program. I don’t know.......maybe for every immigrant you catch you get air-miles, or a dollar off tainted Hershey chocolate/ spinach/......insert favorite E-coli digestible product here______.
Hey, I'm just trying to think outside the bun.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
With winter coming, I thought this next post might be appropriate to warn you of the danger, soon to be lurking around every corner, when the mercury has dropped, the wind begins to howl, and the pedophile has begun his long hibernation.
Monday, November 13, 2006
So I’m back, and yes, I had a wonderful mini vacation. It was more fun than getting a new job and a phone number no one knows. However, the first thing I see when I return and sit down at the computer console is a story for a new digital camera. It films you as you are, but then subtracts weight so you look nice and trim to others.
Kind of like setting phasers to stunning.
Just think of the possibilities. You can now get rid of those grad photos of yourself on the dating websites and replace them with the new updated slim, fit, irresistible you.
Yes! Let’s all unleash our inner Nicole Richie and worry about plopping our true Orca selves down in front of that someone special later. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Tomorrow: digital cameras that make your baby’s head look bigger.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I also feel you should know about some of the more worthy Blogs as well. Thrust them into the cold hard spotlight, as it were, naked to the world.
For this reason you should check out Linds.
You know the statement "cuter than a bugs ear"? That’s for Linds and I know many a man and a few women too, who would crawl across a room of razors just to drink a pound of her piss.
So check her out.
As some of you may be aware, I write a little on the side. Every now and then, I’ll slip in a link to one of my completed novels. Link to one of my completed novels.
My newest, is a work in progress that has held my attention, on and off, for the past four years. But now, as I gather a little steam and begin to roll the bolder ever upward toward the precipice, I find others also lay claim to it.
After Googling my proposed title, "Johnny Trigger", I found he is the name of a central character in a movie slated for release in 2007 called Wages of Sin. A movie where everyone kicks ass "Jet Lee" style. Apparently, he’s also a software game and an actor from the late sixties too. So what am I to do?
After scrapping all my previous titles "Johnny on the spot", "Johnny cum lately", "Here’s Johnny not so much", "Johnny Johnny where’s my Johnny", I finally settled on "Johnny Trigger" and I'm totally spent on ideas. You can see why I'm upset.
This also happened after the completion of my first novel, "Centre of the Universe", when a TV show pilot of the same name was introduced. But because it starred John Goodman I was never worried.
I can only hope they cast John Goodman as Johnny Trigger.
However, I don't feel I'll be as fortunate this time.
It's not like I expected that Geller Prize thingy for writting but since my literary hopes have been ground into a fine pulp for the moment, you can leave an appropriate alternate title in the comment section if you wish. Perhaps lay claim to a book that will probably never be published anyway. After all, the last time I looked, I wasn’t Dan Brown, or Stephen King, or Stephen Brown for that matter. So long Johnny.
But let’s look at this without the animosity, and the boo-hoos, and the, "all your crap is on the front lawn", littered with expletives.
I’m going to say something now I thought, never in a million years, I would.
I'm going to say........Federline is one smart son of a bitch. In fact, not since John Mark Karr, the guy who claimed he killed JonBenet Ramsey, then walked away free as a pair of double D's in a porno, has there been someone more brilliant.
In Federline's case, he'll get more than a first-class flight and 15 minutes of media attention. Palimony, my brothers. That's what it's all about. Try to catch a whiff of the aroma. Smells sweet, don't it?
What guy wouldn’t want to live the rest of his life supported by a rich sugar-momma. And after two kids and a sullied career, it’s an uphill climb for Brittany.
So kudos to Kevin. The smartest man on the planet....oh until 4:17 this afternoon when he does something completely stupid.
Wow! Today certainly was a goldmine of nonsense wasn’t it? 4 extra posts.
As always, there is a method to the daily verbal excrement. I’ll be heading to the Mayor’s hidden retreat with GIGC for some VIP R&R on the DL, and to plot campaign strategies for the coming months. See you Monday.
But before I go, I can’t disregard my weekly duties.
New this week: Kevin Federline- Playing With Fire
But I recommend Chicken Coupe de Ville.
And yes, Brittany already has his number.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Kind of gives new meaning to the term, "I poked that shaved ham with my beef syringe", doesn't it?
To err on the side of caution, a recall has been implemented. Go here to find out if the ham you slam qualifies.
What's next? I suppose someone will drive the Ol' skin bus into Tuna Town and they'll be recalling fish.
Monday, November 06, 2006
First they beat the Bears in Chicago, now this. The whole world's gone mad I tells ya. MAD!
Say, although we still have the Monday game to go, I didn't do too badly picking the games this weekend like a woman who knows nothing about football. I mean how many of you picked Miami and San Fran to win? But I digress.
Anyway the story's here if you care to read it. Sorry, I'm still waiting for the chocolate.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
0:05:21 Ugh! God that looks like it hurts.
0:10:41 Ok if it’s true what he said, I can’t say she didn’t deserve it.
0:18:07 Watch out behind you! Wow what a frickin’ idiot.
0:27:51 Nice tie-in to the previous movies. Cause if you haven’t seen them now you have to spend more money.
0:36:18 No don’t help the bitch. Run!
0:36:54 Ouch. Suddenly my nuts are tingling.
0:37:06 Strangely enough I’m hungry.
0:47:42 *munch, munch* What did I miss? Don’t tell me to shush you fuck!
0:51:19 Now that hurts.
0:57:30 Didn’t see that coming.
1:10:24 Now I have a headache.
1:13:43 Oooh! Is that a bone I heard breaking? GIGC won’t be able to watch this.
1:27:06 Ok so he was testing her, but she failed, causing the other girl to die, so he’d get involved and make the wrong choice and kill him which would in turn end her life, making it ultimately his fault— or maybe was it her fault? After all she didn’t pass the test.— but the other guy saw this all coming and set the whole thing up for Saw IV. He saw it coming. Is that where they get the title from? Oh I’m so confused.....or am I?
1: 32:45 No way! She was in the movie? I didn’t even recognize her. Was she one of the dead chicks?
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Seems I have more time on my hands of late. So, I’m going to shoot for a once a day Blog, or comparable to one third of my daily masturbatory schedule, until further notice.
Days when I’m feeling lethargic you’ll know because I’ll just post some mindless link. However, it is my intention to form some thematic presentations that will create some regular patronage like, "Holy Christ it’s pictures of Chuck Norris eating chocolate off a different animals asshole Mondays over at Strangedaze. I can’t miss that. *click*
For the diehards who find change awkward, even fear it like clowns, or midgets wearing diapers, I will endeavor to at least post the newly released albums and my alternate recommendations for your listening pleasure. Thus maintaining the weekend stapple you have come to expect.
New release this week: Foo Fighters are fighting the foo once again with Skin And Bones.
But I recommend The Handsome Beasts- Beastiality
I know, I know.....that's not Chuck Norris and you're asking yourself, "where's the chocolate?"
I said, wait til Monday!
Friday, November 03, 2006
To make matters worse, it was won by a woman who knew nothing about the sport. She hadn’t even heard of football until 2 weeks prior for Christ’s sake. She slaps down some dopey picks that no one in their right mind would make and....presto! Wins megga.
This week I have decided to follow her lead. Forget I know anything about the NFL and make my predictions based on sheer stupidity so that you and I, my brothers and sisters, may share in the financial bounty.
KC vs St. Louis
St. Louis’ uniforms are much more fashionable and stylish.
Take St. Louis.
Cincinnati vs Baltimore
I’m told the Ravens take their moniker from Edgar Allen Poe. The Bengals on the other hand, I’ve never heard of a literate tiger, have you? Baltimore
Houston vs New York Giants
New Yorkers have had such a tough time of it, haven’t they? God, I feel so sorry for them. While in Texas everything is so big. They think they have it all. You know what? Time to put those Texans in their place. New York
Titans vs Jaguars
All I know is, a Titan reminds me of a silly movie done with claymation monsters, where as a Jaguar is a car rich bastards own.....Oh I wish I was a rich bastard..........any hoo, you don’t get a Jaguar unless you’re successful so, Jacksonville
Dallas vs Washington
Cowboys and Indians never excited me, but maybe the Indians should win one for a change? There’s no place for stereotypes in this world......Maybe you should disregard the "rich bastard" comment from my last pick? Redskins
Green Bay vs Buffalo
I'm told quar-ter-back--- is that how you say it?--- Brett Farve has had such a tough time in his personal life over the past few years. Does he live in N.Y.? That aside, if I were on a desert island like in Survivor Cook Islands- oh that Ozzie is such a hunk- I’d certainly eat cheese before I’d touch Buffalo. Green Bay
New Orleans vs Tampa Bay
Tampa- Sunshine, palm trees, little boozie drinks with pink umbrellas..... New Orleans broken levees, devastation.....oh those poor people.... Tampa should let them have the little misshaped, brown ball all game, in my opinion, after what they’ve been through. New Orleans
Atlanta vs Detroit
Jiminey Crickets! This is a hard game to call. It comes down to Michael Vick’s ass. Man what a nice ass. Ok definitely Atlanta.
Miami vs Chicago
I have never been swimming with a bear, (can they even swim?), but I have with a dolphin and they are so cute and gentle. Miami
Minnesota vs San Francisco
At this time of the year who wants Minnesota anything? San Francisco is more scenic what with the market and the bridge and the trolly cars and the hills and all the colorfully dressed men. 49ers
Cleveland vs San Diego
Brown is such a drab color unless you have the right shoes and purse to match, but San Diego’s logo reminds me too much of Buffalo’s hockey team and that disgusting Donald Trump hairpiece they have on their jerseys now. I'll bet Donald Trump has a Jaguar. Cleveland
Denver vs Pittsburgh
OK Pittsburgh I’m told you won it all last year. Now it’s time to play nice and share with your friends. Let others win. Besides, their coach looks so mean. Does he ever smile? Denver
Colts vs New England
Isn’t Tom Brady just dreamy? And he had a TV show named after him. I never heard of the Manning Bunch? New England
Monday- Oakland at Seattle
Flip a coin. Too much else to watch on Monday night like Deal or no Deal at 8:00 PM, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Friends reruns and.....Oh! and Dr. Phil!
However, I'll bet her feelings toward Jews has been tainted somewhat.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I can't tell you how old he is mainly because you would be shocked by the way he so youthfully maintains his girlish figure, but let's just say, he's old enough to RENT his own damn car! And young enough, that he still gets a full election every four years.
Peace out my brother.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The McCartney/Mills split is getting uglier. McCartney already stands to lose millions of pounds, (British curency), in the settlement. Now, Heather Mills has announced after the alleged beatings she took at the hands of Sir Paul, she would like to become a spokesperson for violence against women.
Subsequently, McCartney has also announced he would like to get involved with the Society for Emasculated Men Bilked out of Wealth by One-Legged Gold Diggers, or SEMBWOLGD for short.
Coming to a Holmes near you
Tom Cruise has stated he’s getting married to Katie Holmes November 18th in Italy.
Except for the people of Woodbridge, may I suggest you get the plastic covers back on your couches immediately.
More baby momma drama
Authorities are investigating whether Anna Nicole Smith legally obtained permanent residency in the Bahamas and.....
Madonna says she is "disappointed" by media coverage of her bid to adopt a Malawian baby, saying it will discourage others from doing the same.
Yawn. Ok, let's move on to the boobs.
From Loretta Nall, a Libertarian candidate running for the Governor in Alabama, with a classic T-shirt depicting her well endowed attributes with the caption of, "more of these boobs" and pictures of her opponents underneath reading, "and less of these boobs."
She's got my support. Vote Nall Y'all!
As if losing on the boob tube wasn’t enough, soon you’ll be able to watch the Toronto Maple Leafs lose in HD on a fifty-foot screen at your local theater....oh, and be prepared to fork over $10 to $12 to see it.
Mammaries of the way we were
Since being diagnosed with breast cancer and having surgery, songstress Cheryl Crowe has announced, her next album will feature only songs about breasts.
Really, I’m not making this up.
Weighting to find an answer
Unable to put on weight and losing T&A quicker than a gay man in a french brothel, Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not putting on the pounds.
Maybe she should give Heather Mills a call? After her divorce is finalized, Mills will have plenty of pounds to spare.....that's a call-back to the British money thing.....you see?.....Oh, never mind.
Spokeswoman Nicole Perna in a statement yesterday added that the daughter of singer Lionel Richie was "working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition".
Perhaps if Nicole didn’t throw up after she ate there'd be no need?
The star's publicist also stressed that her client was not being treated for an eating disorder.
Did I mention, perhaps if Nicole didn't throw up after she ate there'd be no need?
A Dutch mayor has raised eyebrows by backing the idea of sending prostitutes to accompany Dutch troops on foreign missions.
"The army must consider ways its soldiers can let off steam," Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of the town of Almere in central Netherlands and a close friend to the Mayor of Mitchieville, told Dutch television.
"There was once the suggestion that a few prostitutes should accompany troops on missions. I think that is something we should talk about," she said, adding that the prostitutes would keep soldiers from turning to local women.
Why not take it a step further and send the working girls to the enemy. Then attack when they're all busy searching for 80 gilder? (Gilder is like pounds to the Dutch.......ah, just forget it.)
Clap for the elderly
Doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community, according to a Local 6 News report.
A gynecologist at a community near Orlando, Fla., said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.
And you didn't want to kiss your Grandmother before all this.
What? Still too soon?
Saturday, October 21, 2006
What a co-inky-dink, I'm currently tracking the Postman suspected of sleeping with GIGC and carrying military equipment in his pants. And as far as boarding? That ship has sailed my friends.
Babs like budder
Barbara Streisand played in the Big Smoke for the first time ever.
I heard it was a good show, but personally, I don’t care what dairy product you compare her to. I’m more concerned with the prices of tickets for the event and the number of kids who won’t be going to university now because of it.
Taking the dink out of drinking
Ontario is considering adopting legislation to allow people in clubs to take their alcoholic drinks with them to the bathroom. It is hoped this will curb the increasing number of date-rape incidents.
However, I bet the number of ingested urine-tainted mojitos will be on the rise.
God damn it! Now how am I going to get chicks?
Little Caesar....big investment
Little Caesar’s entrepreneur Mike Ilitch, owner of both the Detroit Tigers and the hockey Red Wings, has released a block of World Series tickets to rabid fans anxious to watch their team play the St. Louis Cardinals.
The catch is you also have to purchase 30 home-game Red Wing tickets.
Probably have to commit to 4 years of pizza once a week and dip your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed. Or maybe you can swap your Streisand tickets for them?
Double 00 heaven
If you’re a chick with the ass of a 10 year-old boy, or you have breasts resembling bee stings. Or maybe you generally have a whole prison-camp survivor-vibe going on, now there’s hope.
With people like Nicole Richie in mind, the fashion industry has introduced a new size, 00 for teenie, tiny, teenie, thin, tiny women.
The fall classic
November is considered the most dangerous time for pedestrians who get hit by vehicles.
The study concluded, due to cell phone use, weather conditions and general malaise, pedestrians were more likely to be struck, Tuesday to Friday, in the hours between 3 and 7 PM, especially if they had World Series tickets on them.
Now that’s specific.
What a Rush
The prog-rock experiments of the band Rush are among works that should be preserved for future generations, says a committee tasked with saving the best in Canadian television, radio, film and music.
The band's 1976 album "2112," a unique blend of classic rock and synthesizers that made Rush a sensation both in Canada and the United States, is one of 12 cultural pieces named Thursday as MasterWorks by the Audio-Visual Preservation Trust.
Also chosen this year is what's considered Canada's first homegrown TV hit, "The Pig & Whistle."
Wow.....The Pig & Whistle too? You gotta be feeling pretty special right now if you're a member of Rush.
Going for the long (dirty) bomb
The perceived terrorist threat, of dirty bombs being detonated in seven football stadiums this Sunday, turned out to be a hoax.
Apparently, it was just a contest between two authors, over the internet, on who could come up with the scariest scenario.
How about dowsing your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed? Now that’s scary.
However, let’s look at this realistically in a hypothetical way.
The following statements are the ravings of Gus the Homeless Guy and should, in no way, be misinterpreted as actual fact related to Chris Strange, Dickie the Greek, Mambo the Sports Monkey, the Mayor of Mitchieville, or any other persons living or dead who would make such asinine allegations.
First of all, lets just forget about Minnisota vs Seattle, Carolina vs Cincinnati, Philadelphia vs Tampa, and San Diego vs K.C. If you’re a terrorist you’re not going to make a bold statement by attacking those games.
Also, Arizona vs Oakland? You’re doing the league a favor by taking the Raiders out of the equation. I’d rather be forced to listen to details of the time Streisand had sex with former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau than have to watch these two teams play.
Pittsburgh vs Atlanta- Remember the Olympics? Attacking Atlanta, even although, as mentioned in the disclamer, in a fictional way, is so overdone.
Denver vs Cleveland. You ever get to Cleveland? What a hole. Blowing things up there would be an improvement. Believe me. And I’d start with that mistake called the Rockin’ Roll Hall of Fame.
New England vs Buffalo. This is another longshot. Didn't you read about the snow last week? Haven’t the people of Buffalo suffered enough? I mean they have to live there.
odds 25-1 and that's only because they're playing the Patriots.
Monday’s game Giants at Dallas is also not a good bet. Especially, if something happened in Sunday's games. Not that it would because, once again, none of this is real.
That leaves the best bets for the over/under as....
Detroit vs Jets. Emblematic of all that is American: Detroit, New York. In fact, the only ones who would have no idea a disaster happened, would be the people of Detroit, who are too enthralled with watching the Tigers in the World Series and eating Ilitch's pizza.
Green Bay vs Miami. Good cross-over potential with this game between the Packers and the Dolphins. It would also anger animal activists and the makers of dairy products.
Jacksonville vs Houston. Anything to fuck with Bush’s mind would be considered a victory and since Monday’s game is off the agenda, a strike in the heart of Texas is mandatory.
Washington vs Indy- The nation’s capitol vs the only undefeated team playing this week? The best odds. Where do I wager my fictional money?
New release this week: Paul Stanley- Live to Win
Saturday, October 14, 2006
It Came From The Supermarket
First it’s killer spinach, then lettuce, now a couple lay in hospital, paralyzed, from drinking carrot juice tainted with botchilism.
- Aren't vegetables supposed to be healthy? Fuck me! I'm frying everything in pig fat from now on.
Death From Above
Cory Lidle, pitcher for the New York Yankees, throws the ultimate strike and crashes his plane into a luxury condo, killing himself and his flight instructor.
- It used to be, God’s way of telling you, you had too much money was, you’d develop a cocaine addiction and just O.D.
The Omega Man Revisted
The U.N. Security council debated what sanctions should be placed on North Korea as punisment for continued nuclear testing, as an underground experiment was conducted this week.
Some ideas that have been thrown out because they may be perceived as an act of war were:
Sending Bulgarian strippers to work in the capital of Pyongyang.
Bombarding Kim Jong Il’s home town with Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks.
Secretly snatching all dogs from North Korea and destroying the food infrastructure in the process.
Exporting all carrot juice tainted with botchilism to North Korean high officials in boxes marked "Yummy".
Friday the 13th: Jason Rides A Harley
A swarm of bikers descended on the peaceful town of Port Dover in a Friday the 13th ritual.
I would have gone but I seem to have misplaced my assless leather chaps....oh, and I don't own a motorcycle.
The Rampage of Old Man Winter
On Thursday, 53.5 centimetres of heavy snow set the record for the "snowiest" October day in Buffalo in the 137-year history of the weather service. The previous record of 38 centimetres was set Oct. 31, 1917.
The freak killer snow downed scores of tree limbs and toppled power lines.
Man! This is really going to kill Buffalo tourism. *snap*
Catastrophic pictures of this event are posted below.
So, what’s next? I suppose. Our house pets could rise up against us and kill us all in our sleep with power tools and sharp objects?
Revenge of the Housepets From Hell
It’s all fun and games until someone loses a colon
Of course you knew it was about the Sky City Casino Jalapeno eating contest, didn't ya?
Winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti from Chicago, ate 177 to claim the championship. He beat out 14 other competitors including Rich "The Locust" LaFevre, and Don "Mosses" Lerman, who guaranteed victory beforehand.
The Jalapeno champion Bertoletti said later, he couldn’t feel his face. It had gone numb.
Well, Deep Dish, I guarantee you’ll feel your asshole tomorrow.
Do let the bedbugs bite
A woman is suing an Ellenville New York hotel after she, and her husband, woke up covered in blood soaked sheets. They’d been bitten repeatedly by bed bugs.
You know, that's what I tell GIGC when she wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding from the ass......What do you mean, "that's disgusting"? You should see my penis.
In fact, the woman and her husband discovered the hotel room was infested with them.
I guess she didn't notice the sign entering town: Welcome to Ellenville, National home of the bed bug.
She is suing for 20 million in damages.
20 million? Holy snapping arseholes. Where do I sign-up? Bite away ya little buggers.
Everyone into the pool
Every week GIGC, when she isn't bleeding from the ass, plays the pro-picks football pool. A ticket where one must guess correctly, all the winners from that week’s NFL line-up.
The payout can be anywhere from $5,000 to $350,000 green backs. Earlier this year five people split the pot and took home a cool $35,000 each.
As I stated GIGC plays, and this week came within a whisper of getting them all right. Only THAT BASTARD! Brett Farve of the Green Bay Packers foiled her chances with a fumble in the dying moments of the game, handing an unlikely victory to the St. Louis Rams from the jaws of defeat.
GIGC, rightly so, was devastated.
Thousands of dollars gone like that. *snaps fingers*
Until we learned the next day almost 6,000 people possessed a winning ticket and took home a whopping $84.00 each.
Emergeny rooms have noted a 33% increase in males following a sporting event. The study concluded, men simply will not go to emergency when sporting events are on, preferring to remain with whatever injuries they have until after the game is finished.
Wow! What we won't do for $84.00.
Personally, I remember once, The Mayor of Mitchieville waited until the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs before he had a severed limb reattached. Now that my friends, is dedication.
Google Inc. announced that it has agreed to acquire YouTube, the consumer media company for people to watch and share original videos through a Web experience, for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.
The acquisition combines one of the largest and fastest growing online video entertainment communities with Google's expertise in organizing information and creating new models for advertising on the Internet.
Not bad for two guys who started this thing out of their garage a year and a half ago.
New Release this week: Diddy - Press Play
But I recommend: Ken- By Request Only.
Come on, Ken......or Diddy? Seems like an easy choice to me.
You know, I think I had a hair helmet and suit like that for my grade 8 graduation.