Saturday, November 29, 2008

Early Christmas gift ideas #3

For avid pet enthusiast....

It was 1 year ago today

Private Sector played the Reverb in Toronto as part of their Two in the Pink, One in the Stink Tour- a.k.a. the shocker

Tonight the premier of the long awaited video compilation, Two in the Coot, One up the Shoot, will be seen at a special invitation only. I`d post a trailer of the vid, but I`d rather have you keep coming back to these pages. The announcement of the event will have to do.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Thursday, November 27, 2008

By deffinition

In my quest for shocking pictures, items, information, what-have-you this week has been mostly a dead end- yielding little more than gaping yawn.

However, there was the this Wikipedia link I found shocking. It discusses anilingus, from deffinition and slang- my favorite being "tossing the salad", to health risks and oral cancer.

It wasn't the content I found shocking, or the animated picture of two women eating ass, if was the fact such a thing was even in Wikipedia, with such glorious detail, in the first place.

I'm not even sure what I typed in the search engine, or what led me to be there, but it got me to thinking about ass-to-mouth, and those deification movies I saw when I was in Amsterdam.

Shocking! Again, not for the content, but that someone would actually perform such an act.

I mean what's next; Cooking with sperm as an ingredient in food?

Bonus link: Just in time for Christmas, or that horrible holiday breakup- Semen based recipes!

Tomorrow: Sea Men based recipes- Arrgh!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Jane's was right

In an attempt to bring you the best in shocking material, I have discovered, in the words of Jane's Addiction, "Nothings Shocking".

Look at Ebay. Usually a cesspool of all things shocking, disgusting and tasteless and they have nothing.

Sure there are shocking links and visuals out there in the wide universe of cyberspace, 2 Girls-1 cup, springs to mind, but that ship has already sailed and been posted on these pages long ago to collective yawns. So too, has the Electric Retard, Offensive Cartoons,the Turrets Guy and my novels. There are no taboo stones left unturned.

Is it just that we've become desensitized by all media, or dumbed down by the constant bombardment of elements around us? Does it really take some dude decapitating another dude on a Greyhound bus for us to bat an eyelash?

And where does this leave me, Ol' Strange in the midst of "Shocker Week"?

Don't worry. I'll figure something out.....

As a reasonable substitute I now present Cat vs Printer....

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Welcome to "Shocker Week"

All right, technically this post should have been on these pages yesterday, but you care? Do I care? does the sagging economy care?

I say no.

Shocker Week can begin today. It's not a crime. I looked it up.

Now by shocker I'm not referring to actual sexual know....two in the pocket, one in the chocolate; two in the kitty, one in the shitty; two in the pleasure, one in the treasure.

No I'm talking about stories and events that have shocked me. In fact, if you read the next story, you will find it is as far away from two in the twat, one in the balloon knot, as one can get.

Although I make no promises that tomorrow won't contain evidence of a shocker in the sexual sense, which is to say, two in the beaver, one to check for fever.

To be honest, I'd be surprised if I didn't slip one or two in this week, (no pun intended) On a week referred to as "Shocker Week", I'd find it hard not to include a reference here and there of two in the humper, one in the dumper, or two in the gutter, one in the turd cutter.

And you can take that to the bank, or two in the bank, one in the stank.

Our little Dickie grows up

When I first met Dickie he was working for Vachon supplying vending machines and stores with fattening cakes and Moon-Pies. Well, at least that's what I thought he did for a living- no one was really sure.

Over the years Dickie has been through the spectrum of job descriptions; from Private Investigator, to Head-Hunter, to Actor, Dickie has done it all. He traveled the country in search of happiness, in search of the perfect job, in search of the perfect lifestyle, all which has led him back home.

Over the past year, I have witnessed the transformation and the maturity of the man who once penned the song "Mosquito Fuck" and thought he had a legitimate chance of taking the music business by storm.

Now, he is content and happy. He has met the woman he has searched the world over for. He has purchased a house in the South Shwa with in shouting distance of the famed Corral and he is getting married in Mexico next February to which I and GIGC will bear witness.

It is a far cry from the days where he spent six months on a couch in Syracuse and was periodically accosted by fat, balding, gay Koreans.

Our little Dickie has earned the right to be "Shocker of the Week."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Early Christmas gift ideas #2

Women like candles. Women also like babies. So, what better gift to give than baby head candles?

I ask you. What?

I sure hope I get to do a secret Santa this year cause I now know what I'm buying.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Snow business by the numbers

Like many of you near the Big Smoke, I awoke this morning to find snow. Not just a dusting, but a dumping. I'm told it's an Alberta Clipper causing this blanketing of white that has turned my entire neighborhood into a Christmas postcard while I slept, however, it doesn't make me feel any better when I'm out shoveling.

So here are some numbers to temporarily appease your mind from the nightmare of driving to and from work in this slop.

The top 10 beer producing nations. Personally I thought we would've ranked higher.

15 images you won't believe aren't photo shopped.

The top 10 sex-toy patents.

One for GIGC and the U.S. Thanksgiving. The top 10 NFL punt returns.

Bonus link: Back when all was hot and summery and our minds were on beer, chicks and Pottahawk.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Early Christmas gift ideas

For that rotten little niece or nephew.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

OK, I surrender

Fine! You want it that way? I acquiesce. I'll start posting the Xmas shit.

I can't compete anyway. The neighbors have put their lights up (At least they don't leave them up year round.)

Yesterday I was accosted by one of those creepy mechanical dancing/ singing Santa's in Walmart and everywhere I go store fronts are decorated with fake snow, red, gold and silver baubles surrounded by empty boxes made to look like presents.

Some might say I'm just a Scrooge, ba-humbugging my way through a festive season, but at least wait until December before you make that judgement.

This type of blatant bombardment is no different then seeing display cases full of paper hearts and candy January 1st, or painted eggs and chocolate rabbits two weeks before the end of February.

And if that didn't make you mad, then I need you to lend me some money I'll never pay back- call it an early Christmas gift.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The transient identification dictonary part 2

The Epicurean - Our dumpster diving friend the Epicurean lives the full on hobo experience the rest of us expect when not picturing drunkards fighting in an alley for nickels. While others will work or beg for food, The Epicurean cannot leave his palette in the hands of mere peasants and must take his gastronomic destiny in his own hands, which is to say he'll put pretty much anything in his mouth, from pizza crusts to those gristly knobs everyone leaves at the end of chicken wings. Easily spotted for being some of the dirtiest and fattest of hobos, the Epicurean says "yes I can" when reality says "Good God, you can't possibly eat that."

The Shell Shocked - Beloved by modern children for his keen fashion sense as witnessed by his army green and camo wardrobe, the Shell Shocked vagrant is not to be trifled with. While he may present similar characteristics to the Ranter, make no mistake that, unlike the Ranter, our armed forces friend very likely could kill you six different ways with the rusted can of tuna he's been using as a pillow because the government trained him to long before he went mad. Lament the way he offered up his own safety and security to ensure ours, but don't be surprised if he salutes you with a hand that he's been keeping warm up his own ass and then attacks a dumpster because it's a stronghold for Charlie and delicious, delicious expired ham.

The Un-Bum - Of all the off putting sundowners out there in the world, none is so harrowing as the Un-Bum. While other transients may frighten you with the threat of intense reekage and e-coli, and the Ranter seems like he may stalk and murder you, the Un-Bum presents the fearsome visage of normality. You could be the Un-Bum. You may even know the Un-Bum, some kid you went to high school with who's now sitting on a steam grate asking for change so he can get that next delicious bottle of aftershave. You'll be tempted to ask him what he's doing out there begging for change, until that voice in your head points out that if you ask, he may answer. Then he may recognize you. Then he may expect you to buy the whole bottle of aftershave for him. Then take him home. And now you have a pet bum. Fuck.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The big O-bama

The election may be over, the erection never has to be.

Yes my friends, Obama may be the new president, but why wait until he takes office to bring you joy when he can take orifice now.

Even Republicans can't deny that the "Official Obama Pleasure Toy" gets the job done. You'll be singing "Hail to the Chief" all night long And if you aren't satisfied I believe they also offer the George W. Butt Plug.

Either way, it gives new meaning to "Head of State".

Will make a swell Christmas gift for the one you love, be they woman, man, animal, or Joe the Plumber.

P.S. 40 shopping days til Christmas.

Friday, November 14, 2008

40 Days and 40 nights

I was thinking about my rant earlier this week about Christmas advertising and how rampant it is, even in early November.

As of tomorrow there are only 40 days left to get your high-priced commercial bullshit.

Yet, many have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas as a symbol, however misguided, for the birth day of little Baby Jesus.

Now hold on there. I'm as far away from a religious dude as you can be possibly be no matter what denomination.

I am so anti-religion, in fact, that I have half-a-mind to walk into a place of worship, just to tell them I'm leaving.

However, I believe if you're going to get a hardon for the holiday season it's no good discovering you have erectile dysfunction. Which is to say, I can only duck and dodge the commercialism of the yule spirit for so long.

But there's no reason I can try to keep you on the right path and remind you of the true meaning of Christmas without loosing the commercial edge......

So remember: As of tomorrow, only 40 shopping days left to Christmas.

Dad's desert island collection #44

Boy, Dad is sure taking a lot of records to that island.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The transient identification dictonary part 1

Or T.I.D. for short, you can also refer to it as the Hobo Dic. One thing's for sure with the economic slide there will be more of these fellows with hat extended on a street corner near you, so you need a guide to identify exactly what you are dealing with. It will help you decide if crossing the road or an all out detour is in order.

The Ranter - A popular vagabond due to their "look at me" style, the Ranter is the wastrel you cross the street to avoid and not just because of that stank. Indeed, on a warm summer's day, the Ranter may set himself up outside your favorite mall, one eye looking skyward while the other attempts to peer into your very soul and begin raving about how the government put arsenic in his oatmeal and those geese in the park are nothing but sodomites who talk about him behind his back. The Ranter's effectiveness seems to directly correlate to both how loud he can share a string of epic obscenities and how well dressed the people he wants to listen to him are.

I think that guy used to work for GM in Oshawa....

The Entrepreneur - No regular bum this, the Entrepreneur is the 'can do' vagrant of today. Not content to be like his begging cousins, the Entrepreneur has a get up and go that makes him wait at busy intersections with a scrap of newsprint and an old Coke bottle he's filled with water and hand sanitizer from down at the clinic. When he finds a potential client stuck at a red light, he springs into action by hobbling over and smudging the sanitizer-laced paper across their windshield in exchange for a few cents. And while this may actually make the window dirtier, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and this drifter can't make your window clean if he's covered in his own urine.

Dude! Take your idea to OSEB. They can help you get your business up and running.

The Millionaire - Curiously, once a town gets large enough, the Millionaire inevitably shows up in local lore and will remain for many years. Potentially disguised as a Ranter, the Millionaire is just what his name suggests. He's stinking rich. At least that's what everyone says, because it's fun to believe when you're enjoying the lower middle class life, someone out there achieved their fortune and decided that instead of living in a mansion, living behind the KFC dumpster and wearing shoes made out of hardened discs of feces would be an interesting adventure to go on. This tramp never speaks of their fortune, potentially due to dementia or just snobbery, and will often be seen counting out pennies to buy McDonald's coffee on a Sunday morning.

Lovingly ripped from College Humor

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Entertainment by the numbers

The 15 funniest Late Night with Conan O'Brien's moments.

11 life lessons we learned from watching the Big Lebowski.

Eric Cartman's 9 most evil moments.

True Blood is a new series about vampires and sex and sex with vampires get the idea. It's a cool show and fortunately if you can't stand vampire, here are 6 clips of just the sex....or should that be sex clips of the six?

The 20 funniest moments from The Office.

The 10 greatest movie battle scenes ever. After yesterday, shouldn't this go to eleven?

Bonus link: Halloween may be over, but there's no reason you can't still be scared of 2 Pumpkins- 1 Cup.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Less we forget

Today is Remembrance Day, so I take great offence to the fact that Christmas commercials have been plaguing us since Halloween. Are retailers that paranoid of shitty economic times that they have to bombard us with their wares this early, especially on a day signifying all those who died in the name of freedom.

Somehow I'm not convinced, the poor unfortunate war vets they had the bastardization of commercialism in mind when they lost their lives on foreign soil.

So give us a break you insensitive ingrates. Remembrance Day should be for one thing and one thing only. Remembering those who fought and died for our freedom, not remembering there's only 43 more shopping days until Christmas.

Dad's desert island collection #43

Monday, November 03, 2008

Weening out the worst costumes.

I was at a few Halloween parties on the weekend despite my last minute construction of cutting a few holes in a sheet and going as a lame ghost. I figured if I had trudged into a costume shop at the eleventh hour on Halloween I'd be staring at some slim-pickin's.

Judging by some of the costumes I saw of others, who also waited, I made the right decision. just check out what some people paid for.

Sponge Bob for adults.

I guess Russel Oliver didn't show up for this ATM "Cash Man" costume.

One Night Stand, or was it Stan? I can't remember.

Guy with a heart-on.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing your Biggest Fan, but it looks like the shit just hit him.

Goth Milk

God's Gift to Women.

OK, I admit I would have bought this one. The Breathalyzer. The guy got blown all night long.

Even couples weren't immune as per by Lock and Key.

Big Fork and Spoon. I think I saw the Spoon chick run away with some guy dressed as a dish later in the evening.