Thursday, November 30, 2006

It's all about milk, chips & cookies

With Christmas just a mere 2,160,000 seconds away, there seems to be controversy swirling around the use of unpasteurized, or raw milk. And you should really know the poop before you leave out a glass or two for Ol’ St. Nick.

On one hand, health officials warn of E-coli, and a visit from your favorite relatives Sam and Ella if you pull up a bar stool and get it on tap directly from the cow.

On the other side, farmers complain of loss of taste and nutrients once the pasteurizing process is complete.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I don’t drink milk.


Tis the season for Debit Card theft. So much so, the banks are getting all Scrooge McDuck on counterfeiter’s by introducing a new electronic chip to cards for 2007. The Debit cards will be much harder to forge and save the industry/ consumers billions in stolen revenue.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I seldom use my debit card.


It appears some female celebrities alla Brittany, Paris, Lindsay, are in the Christmas spirit. They’ve taken the giving mood one step further with the paparazzi and the adoring public, by wearing short skirts minus the underwear, so all may catch a glimpse of a catcher’s mitt Johnny Bench would be proud of.

Do you know what I’m saying? A little whiff of Tuna Town, the winking pink, some clitoral bubble-gum.

Health officials warn this practice is not only uncouth, but dangerous— not as dangerous as unpasteurized milk mind you, but this is the notorious trio we’re talking about who have ground more sausage than Schneider’s.

Certainly someone like Jennifer Aniston would be ok. Her quiff would conjure up images of kittens and fresh baked cinnamon rolls.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I haven’t munched on a decent cookie in some time. But that’s not really my call is it?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Pam Anderson Roast

Since Pamela's available again and Kid Rock is once again no more, you'll need to know a few things about her if you're serious. Nick Di Paolo is just the guy with the info. My favorite line was "If she had dysentery I'd follow her around with a waffle cone."

Monday, November 27, 2006

Monday morning "Ha"

Today I thought I'd start your week off with a joke, which is not so much a selfless act as it is, I'm just a lazy SOB. It's easier to cut and paste than actually turn on my brain switch.

Man driving down road .
Woman driving up same road .
They pass each other
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen...

I would also like to add, if only women would give men more sex, they wouldn't have to go out driving and looking for huge pigs.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

New release this week

Incubus- Light Grenades

But I recommend: Mrs. Mills- Knees-up Party
I'll bet you'll have more than a few questions for your grandparents after listening.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I'm headed for the links

I know the last thing you want to do at the end of the week is to link, read and think. But it can be fun, especially if once you link, the reading makes you think, and the thinking makes you read, which in turn makes you link......Am I even making any sense?

That’s it. I’m grabbing the clubs and heading for the links. But, before I go I suggest you head for the links as well. Check out the London Fog to read and think.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

A Strange wave

Just a little "Heya" from the old bunker-hacienda-sometimes spa at Strangedaze. I love living here. It's close to the Beer Store, the lake, the Laker Beer. It just doesn't get any better.

See. That’s me there now, taking out the garbage and watching the hot chick from down the street walk by. Look, I'm waving.......Well...look closer.....Still don't see it?

Maybe I should have inserted one of those "you are here" arrows?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Ripper a new one

Jack The Ripper: The First Serial Killer, which aired last night, showed how the composite of the prostitute killer was created by a Metropolitan Police analyst using 118-year-old witness statements.

Wow! Where did they find people so old?

Pictured above, the notorious Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper was a stocky 30 year old with a moustache, receding hairline and bushy eyebrows, according to a composite drawing created for a British documentary.

Or in other words. Jack the Ripper was really Freddie Mercury.

"It's a popular misconception that nobody ever saw the murderer, that he just vanished into the fog of London," former Metropolitan Police commander John Grieve said in a statement.

No doubt after an encore of Bohemian Rhapsody and We Will Rock You.....sing it! We will, we will rock you......(sorry, got carried away there).

"Well that's just not right. There were witnesses at the time who were highly thought of by the police."

I bet I would have made a reliable witness, because strangly enough, OBJ looks very much like the composite sketch of the killer. Although his M.O. only fits if you think of the Ripper as synonyous with flatulence.

One Ball Joe the Ripper

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


It's like driving by an accident. You just have to look.

Monday, November 20, 2006

I stand corrected

Ok, last October when the news came down that Daniel Craig would be the new Bond, I was less than kind in my post Blonde Bondshell. In fact, I might have said, Craig would not only be the worst Bond ever, but you couldn't make soup from his testicles.....or did I only think it?

I had only seen Daniel Craig play villains in other movies like Road to Perdition, and could not perceive he would make a good 007. My mistake.

Although Casino Royale was kicked from obtaining first place by Happy Feet--- yet another penguin movie--- it still finished in the 40 mil range at the box office and everyone, including myself, have been jumping on the, much crowded, Bond-wagon.

I guess I'm just used to my Bonds having a slurred Scottish accent, and beating women up in their private life.

Once again, I was wrong.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

New release this week

Snoop Dogg- Tha Blue Carpet Treatment.

But I recommend- El Dipsy Doodle

There's a reason why they put a fence up at the Mexican border ya know.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'd rather link sausage

....But I'll go you one better and link The Drunken Stepfather. This is a site the Mayor turned me onto when he had me over for tea and scones sometime ago. You should check it out. He links way more sausage than I do. And you might find after visiting, you'll link sausage more often too.

Ok if you haven't registered the sausage metaphor by now, there's no hope for you.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Did you do your homework?

Do you know what this is? Well, do ya? Did you even read yesterday's post?

This is an aerial view of a portion of the Texas/ Mexican border brought to you by Google Earth.

Can you see anyone running?

Neither did I, but I think I saw a few cacti move.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Run for the border

Ok...well at least watch.

Now you can keep vigil for the United States Government by signing up here and viewing hours upon hours of desert, fence, and cacti....oh and perhaps the odd Sanchez making a run for the land of opportunity to pick lettuce for $1.50 an hour. It's all accessible on line.

I don’t know if I’d sit and watch something like this as if it were a Hollywood blockbuster or the camera in the apartment lobby. I imagine there are some out there who would. Patriotic Americans sharpening their knives and loading their automatics as I speak.

Perhaps if the U.S. of A. Is serious about this and want everyone watching in prime-time, then they should offer an incentive program. I don’t know.......maybe for every immigrant you catch you get air-miles, or a dollar off tainted Hershey chocolate/ spinach/......insert favorite E-coli digestible product here______.

Hey, I'm just trying to think outside the bun.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

YouTube Tuesdays

As mentioned, I’d like to start posting a few regular features the avid reader of Blogs can count on. And when I make a promise, I keep least until I’m sick of making promises I can’t keep.

With winter coming, I thought this next post might be appropriate to warn you of the danger, soon to be lurking around every corner, when the mercury has dropped, the wind begins to howl, and the pedophile has begun his long hibernation.

Enjoy.....or don’t.
SNOWMEN HUNTERS Ep 01: Sherman's Madness

Monday, November 13, 2006

Digitally trimming the fat

So I’m back, and yes, I had a wonderful mini vacation. It was more fun than getting a new job and a phone number no one knows. However, the first thing I see when I return and sit down at the computer console is a story for a new digital camera. It films you as you are, but then subtracts weight so you look nice and trim to others.

Kind of like setting phasers to stunning.

Just think of the possibilities. You can now get rid of those grad photos of yourself on the dating websites and replace them with the new updated slim, fit, irresistible you.

Yes! Let’s all unleash our inner Nicole Richie and worry about plopping our true Orca selves down in front of that someone special later. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Tomorrow: digital cameras that make your baby’s head look bigger.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Weeds Masturbation Etiquette

In keeping with yesterday's theme.

Woman of the Glamazon

One thing I have endeavored to do, now I have more time at my disposal, is to get out amongst my own kind and read the odd Blog or two.

I also feel you should know about some of the more worthy Blogs as well. Thrust them into the cold hard spotlight, as it were, naked to the world.

For this reason you should check out Linds.

You know the statement "cuter than a bugs ear"? That’s for Linds and I know many a man and a few women too, who would crawl across a room of razors just to drink a pound of her piss.

So check her out.

Trigger (un)happy

Ok, now I’m pissed off!

As some of you may be aware, I write a little on the side. Every now and then, I’ll slip in a link to one of my completed novels. Link to one of my completed novels.

My newest, is a work in progress that has held my attention, on and off, for the past four years. But now, as I gather a little steam and begin to roll the bolder ever upward toward the precipice, I find others also lay claim to it.

After Googling my proposed title, "Johnny Trigger", I found he is the name of a central character in a movie slated for release in 2007 called Wages of Sin. A movie where everyone kicks ass "Jet Lee" style. Apparently, he’s also a software game and an actor from the late sixties too. So what am I to do?

After scrapping all my previous titles "Johnny on the spot", "Johnny cum lately", "Here’s Johnny not so much", "Johnny Johnny where’s my Johnny", I finally settled on "Johnny Trigger" and I'm totally spent on ideas. You can see why I'm upset.

This also happened after the completion of my first novel, "Centre of the Universe", when a TV show pilot of the same name was introduced. But because it starred John Goodman I was never worried.

I can only hope they cast John Goodman as Johnny Trigger.
However, I don't feel I'll be as fortunate this time.

It's not like I expected that Geller Prize thingy for writting but since my literary hopes have been ground into a fine pulp for the moment, you can leave an appropriate alternate title in the comment section if you wish. Perhaps lay claim to a book that will probably never be published anyway. After all, the last time I looked, I wasn’t Dan Brown, or Stephen King, or Stephen Brown for that matter. So long Johnny.

K. Fed up to here

So, as everyone in the non-terrorist world knows by now, Brittany has decided to finally bring the axe down on her relationship with K. Fed after two kids and miles of bullshit from the would-be rap king.

But let’s look at this without the animosity, and the boo-hoos, and the, "all your crap is on the front lawn", littered with expletives.

I’m going to say something now I thought, never in a million years, I would.

I'm going to say........Federline is one smart son of a bitch. In fact, not since John Mark Karr, the guy who claimed he killed JonBenet Ramsey, then walked away free as a pair of double D's in a porno, has there been someone more brilliant.

In Federline's case, he'll get more than a first-class flight and 15 minutes of media attention. Palimony, my brothers. That's what it's all about. Try to catch a whiff of the aroma. Smells sweet, don't it?

What guy wouldn’t want to live the rest of his life supported by a rich sugar-momma. And after two kids and a sullied career, it’s an uphill climb for Brittany.

So kudos to Kevin. The smartest man on the planet....oh until 4:17 this afternoon when he does something completely stupid.

New release this week

Wow! Today certainly was a goldmine of nonsense wasn’t it? 4 extra posts.

As always, there is a method to the daily verbal excrement. I’ll be heading to the Mayor’s hidden retreat with GIGC for some VIP R&R on the DL, and to plot campaign strategies for the coming months. See you Monday.

But before I go, I can’t disregard my weekly duties.

New this week: Kevin Federline- Playing With Fire

How appropriate.

But I recommend Chicken Coupe de Ville.

And yes, Brittany already has his number.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Don't beat your meat, send it back

At first I thought someone had been whizzing into the containers again. Then I heard, the would-be urinaters have raised the bar. Putting away their love muscle and opting for syringes which were found on the premises at a Maple Leaf processing plant in Kitchener.

Kind of gives new meaning to the term, "I poked that shaved ham with my beef syringe", doesn't it?

To err on the side of caution, a recall has been implemented. Go here to find out if the ham you slam qualifies.

What's next? I suppose someone will drive the Ol' skin bus into Tuna Town and they'll be recalling fish.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Dolphin does have a leg to stand on

When I heard this story, I don't mind telling you I was a little creeped out by it. Not since the "help me, help me!" ending of the original Fly have I been so affected. A dolphin with the remains of legs? Now that's just fucked up.

First they beat the Bears in Chicago, now this. The whole world's gone mad I tells ya. MAD!

Say, although we still have the Monday game to go, I didn't do too badly picking the games this weekend like a woman who knows nothing about football. I mean how many of you picked Miami and San Fran to win? But I digress.

Anyway the story's here if you care to read it. Sorry, I'm still waiting for the chocolate.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Realtime review of Saw III

0:05:21 Ugh! God that looks like it hurts.
0:10:41 Ok if it’s true what he said, I can’t say she didn’t deserve it.
0:18:07 Watch out behind you! Wow what a frickin’ idiot.
0:27:51 Nice tie-in to the previous movies. Cause if you haven’t seen them now you have to spend more money.
0:36:18 No don’t help the bitch. Run!
0:36:54 Ouch. Suddenly my nuts are tingling.
0:37:06 Strangely enough I’m hungry.
0:47:42 *munch, munch* What did I miss? Don’t tell me to shush you fuck!
0:51:19 Now that hurts.
0:57:30 Didn’t see that coming.
1:10:24 Now I have a headache.
1:13:43 Oooh! Is that a bone I heard breaking? GIGC won’t be able to watch this.
1:27:06 Ok so he was testing her, but she failed, causing the other girl to die, so he’d get involved and make the wrong choice and kill him which would in turn end her life, making it ultimately his fault— or maybe was it her fault? After all she didn’t pass the test.— but the other guy saw this all coming and set the whole thing up for Saw IV. He saw it coming. Is that where they get the title from? Oh I’m so confused.....or am I?
1: 32:45 No way! She was in the movie? I didn’t even recognize her. Was she one of the dead chicks?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Losing news and reviews you can't possibly use

You may have noticed— or then again, maybe you haven’t cause you're blind, or dead, or just lost a toe in the blender, or you have more important things to do than listen to a madman rant— I have been blogging more frequently.

Seems I have more time on my hands of late. So, I’m going to shoot for a once a day Blog, or comparable to one third of my daily masturbatory schedule, until further notice.

Days when I’m feeling lethargic you’ll know because I’ll just post some mindless link. However, it is my intention to form some thematic presentations that will create some regular patronage like, "Holy Christ it’s pictures of Chuck Norris eating chocolate off a different animals asshole Mondays over at Strangedaze. I can’t miss that. *click*

For the diehards who find change awkward, even fear it like clowns, or midgets wearing diapers, I will endeavor to at least post the newly released albums and my alternate recommendations for your listening pleasure. Thus maintaining the weekend stapple you have come to expect.

New release this week: Foo Fighters are fighting the foo once again with Skin And Bones.

But I recommend The Handsome Beasts- Beastiality

I know, I know.....that's not Chuck Norris and you're asking yourself, "where's the chocolate?"

I said, wait til Monday!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Do you want to win some money?

A few weeks back I lamented GIGC’s near miss on the football pool. It robbed us of an easy $80 bucks or so mainly because their were a billion winners and the pie was cut too thin. However, just the other week there was only one winner and the estimated prize was somewhere in the vicinity of $400,000.00 smackers.

To make matters worse, it was won by a woman who knew nothing about the sport. She hadn’t even heard of football until 2 weeks prior for Christ’s sake. She slaps down some dopey picks that no one in their right mind would make and....presto! Wins megga.

This week I have decided to follow her lead. Forget I know anything about the NFL and make my predictions based on sheer stupidity so that you and I, my brothers and sisters, may share in the financial bounty.

KC vs St. Louis

St. Louis’ uniforms are much more fashionable and stylish.
Take St. Louis.

Cincinnati vs Baltimore

I’m told the Ravens take their moniker from Edgar Allen Poe. The Bengals on the other hand, I’ve never heard of a literate tiger, have you? Baltimore

Houston vs New York Giants

New Yorkers have had such a tough time of it, haven’t they? God, I feel so sorry for them. While in Texas everything is so big. They think they have it all. You know what? Time to put those Texans in their place. New York

Titans vs Jaguars

All I know is, a Titan reminds me of a silly movie done with claymation monsters, where as a Jaguar is a car rich bastards own.....Oh I wish I was a rich bastard..........any hoo, you don’t get a Jaguar unless you’re successful so, Jacksonville

Dallas vs Washington

Cowboys and Indians never excited me, but maybe the Indians should win one for a change? There’s no place for stereotypes in this world......Maybe you should disregard the "rich bastard" comment from my last pick? Redskins

Green Bay vs Buffalo

I'm told quar-ter-back--- is that how you say it?--- Brett Farve has had such a tough time in his personal life over the past few years. Does he live in N.Y.? That aside, if I were on a desert island like in Survivor Cook Islands- oh that Ozzie is such a hunk- I’d certainly eat cheese before I’d touch Buffalo. Green Bay

New Orleans vs Tampa Bay

Tampa- Sunshine, palm trees, little boozie drinks with pink umbrellas..... New Orleans broken levees, devastation.....oh those poor people.... Tampa should let them have the little misshaped, brown ball all game, in my opinion, after what they’ve been through. New Orleans

Atlanta vs Detroit

Jiminey Crickets! This is a hard game to call. It comes down to Michael Vick’s ass. Man what a nice ass. Ok definitely Atlanta.

Miami vs Chicago

I have never been swimming with a bear, (can they even swim?), but I have with a dolphin and they are so cute and gentle. Miami

Minnesota vs San Francisco

At this time of the year who wants Minnesota anything? San Francisco is more scenic what with the market and the bridge and the trolly cars and the hills and all the colorfully dressed men. 49ers

Cleveland vs San Diego

Brown is such a drab color unless you have the right shoes and purse to match, but San Diego’s logo reminds me too much of Buffalo’s hockey team and that disgusting Donald Trump hairpiece they have on their jerseys now. I'll bet Donald Trump has a Jaguar. Cleveland

Denver vs Pittsburgh

OK Pittsburgh I’m told you won it all last year. Now it’s time to play nice and share with your friends. Let others win. Besides, their coach looks so mean. Does he ever smile? Denver

Colts vs New England

Isn’t Tom Brady just dreamy? And he had a TV show named after him. I never heard of the Manning Bunch? New England

Monday- Oakland at Seattle

Flip a coin. Too much else to watch on Monday night like Deal or no Deal at 8:00 PM, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Friends reruns and.....Oh! and Dr. Phil!

*flip* Oakland

Mel does it for Love

Courtney Love says she has been clean and sober for months, thanks to Mel Gibson. Apparently, Mad Max broke in when she was using. He supervised an intervention and got Courtney into rehab. Love states now, she "no longer has the desire to do drugs".

However, I'll bet her feelings toward Jews has been tainted somewhat.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Happy natal day

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your.......November. I'd like to take the opportunity to wish the Mayor of Mitchieville many happy returns.

I can't tell you how old he is mainly because you would be shocked by the way he so youthfully maintains his girlish figure, but let's just say, he's old enough to RENT his own damn car! And young enough, that he still gets a full election every four years.

Peace out my brother.