Saturday, March 31, 2007
The "My Sweet Lord" display was shut down by the hotel that houses the Lab Gallery in midtown Manhattan.
Come on! What's wrong with an anatomically correct chocolate Christ? Think of the fun kids would have trying to find the two Easter eggs.
Keep the tip
If you're gonna smoke that pipe, you should have a convertible. At least that's the message being sent out by South African researchers this week in hopes to combat the further spread of AIDS by trying to convince men to lop off the foreskin.
I agree. Winter's over guys. Lose the turtle-necks. Off with his head!
I can’t get no...
Satisfaction that is, unless you’re a teacher, movie star, president or CEO of a company according to a recent survey that lists those titles as the jobs where individuals find the most satisfaction.
Seems to me Porn Star would be pretty high on the list too.
Some funeral homes are now offering webcast viewing and services for those who can’t make the trek to pay their last respects. Lazy bastards!
Can you believe it? Man, people will watch anything...well at least it’s commercial free.
Keeping my cheese dry
Under the same heading of “I have nothing better to do with my life”. While it may not be as exciting as watching paint dry or grass grow, cheese lovers can now go online and watch a 55lb. block of cheddar mature 24 hours a day.
Here's the link for cheddar vision if you're interested.
On a personal note: Don't look Derek!
I just saw it age! Did you see it age? Wow that was fun. Let's watch some more.
For the cigarette companies, it was Joe Camel. Now, methamphetamine manufacturers are accused of borrowing a similar tactic — using cartoon characters and candy flavors to lure teen users.
Chocolate, peanut butter and strawberry? They're not just ice cream flavors, they are the new taste of meth, the latest way dealers and manufacturers are packaging their goods in an ever-changing drug economy.
...I just saw the Cheddar age some more! No wait....it must be the meth?
Ahead by a 1/2 century
Hells Angels turn 50 this weekend.
I'd tell you where the party's going to be, but then I'd have to kill you.
The Ira resolution
OK enough already in this conflict between Iran and Brittan. The Iranians say the Brits were trespassing in Iran’s waters. The English say they were in Iraq. Can’t we just split the difference and say the British were in Ira’s waters. That’s a 3/4 admission of guilt, or victory depending on what side you’re on. I’m sure guys named Ira wouldn’t care with Passover coming up and all.
The Da Vinci inquest
Dan Brown was cleared by U.K. courts of copyright infringement for his blockbuster book The Da Vinci Code, but who will clear Ron Howard for making that awful movie?
For what it's worth I believe Dan Brown did not plagiarize the material. Some people are just jealous when authors come up with creative ideas on their own.
For example, I'm writing a new novel.
It's a tale of intrigue where a famous sculpture of a Chocolate Jesus has been stolen by Iranian radicals led by a Catholic Cardinal and held for ransom.
Losing hope, the government turns to one man, Ira a card carrying member of the Hells Angels turned Porn Star, who in his attempts to retrieve the Jesus, uncovers a much deeper plot to rid the world of all sweets and force everyone to eat cheese. In fact a 55lb cheddar bomb is set to go off....in one year, if demands are not met.
Captured and alone Ira is fed raspberry crystal meth and threatened with the torture of having his foreskin removed, but what his captors don't know......Ira's Jewish.
That's all I've come up with so far but as you can see it's easy to be original.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
And with the sun smiling down I couldn't help thinking summer was finally within reach, which made me think of chicks in bikinis, which made me think of the world cup of cricket for some strange reason-- a silly game that takes a fort night to play....damn! But back to thoughts of chicks in bikinis.....what you too?
Let us dream together my friend.....perhaps of chicks in bikinis playing cricket? If I may be so bold?
Oh yeah! That's it. Dance you little nymphs.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Gives new meaning to the term "Bat pole" doesn't it?
Why the red face Batman?
Part 1 of 12
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Cripes! So sensitive. I'm sorry to all the overly-tall, rare-air-breathing, amazons out there. OK? With my apologies I recommend: Big George
Next week, New releases will be moving to Friday.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Perhaps you've notice recently, I've been relying on YouTube and shorter posts that better conserve my time? It's because I will be returning to my summer schedule shortly.
In past years this meant blogging once a week until the fall. However, this year I am trying to keep up with the daily Blog to see how it goes. Subsequently, you'll probably see more posts- like the one below -with less fanfare, but high in "what the fuck was that?" content.
Now I know where they got the creepy puppet laugh for Saw.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Look! You can't have them both. It's Little People Week, remember? And today we study the cream of the crop. The top 10 of the bottom half of the vertically challenged if you will.
I don't expect you to watch all the videos. After all I don't want you to lose sleep, or cause you excessive eye damage, but video evidence is there if you need it.
10. Hervé Villechaize
Hervé Villechaize is probably best known as Tattoo on the TV series Fantasy Island, where he rubbed elbows with Ricardo Montalbán and got paid an inordinate amount of money to utter the phrase “De plane! De plane!”
According to his Wikipedia entry, Villechaize “insisted on being called a midget, rather than ‘little person,’” and “proved a difficult actor on Fantasy Island where he continually propositioned women and quarreled with the producers.” Right on, little guy. That just earned you the #10 spot on my list. You sure didn’t get it because of your singing abilities. (See video below.)
9. Nelson de la Rosa
Before he tragically passed away last year, De la Rosa, who was a close personal friend of Pedro Martinez, held the distinction of being the world’s shortest actor. Standing in at just over 21 inches, he was only slightly longer than my buddy Orson's wang, but considerably more pleasing to the ladies. Check out how he drives those Dominican women crazy as he suggestively dances with what your neighborhood apothecary would instantly recognize as a mortar and pestle. Come on everybody! Dance! Dance! Dance!
8. Gary Coleman
At 4'8″?, Gary Coleman just barely meets the requirements (4'10″? and under for males) for being considered a little person. It was a tough call deciding between him and Emmanuel Lewis, but I ultimately went with Coleman because he and I have a lot in common.
We were both kings of our respective domains back in the early 80’s - he was the only star in the “little black kid” sitcom genre, and I was the only child in my household. Then along came a newer, cuter rival - Coleman had to battle Webster for America’s affection, and I had to battle my little brother for my parents’ affection. Later on, we both had some legal troubles, we both ran for governor of California, and I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure we’ve both accidentally killed a hooker. You and I are kindred spirits, Gary.
Wee Man is perhaps the greatest midget skateboarder ever, although I’m not quite sure how much competition there is in that category. Here is the video of him dressed as an Oompa Loompa skateboarding down a busy sidewalk. For everyone who saw him that day, it was probably the strangest sight they had ever seen…at least until they saw those pics of Lindsay Lohan’s snatch.
A lot of people think of Verne Troyer as a one-hit wonder. They think he got lucky landing roles in those two Austin Powers movies and he probably won’t ever approach that kind of success again.
Don’t let those naysayers bring you down, Verne. I’ve seen you on The Surreal Life and I just know that you’ve got a lot of films left in you. You just have to keep your boozing under control. KnowwhatImean, Verne?
5. Tony Cox
The name “Tony Cox” might not immediately ring a bell with you, but I can almost guarantee you know him. His two biggest roles were probably the limo driver in Me, Myself, and Irene and Santa’s elf in Bad Santa. He’s also played the role of an Ewok in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, and its subsequent porn counterpart Star Whores: Return of the Browneye, but I doubt you’ve seen that one.
4. Danny Woodburn
Like Tony Cox, Danny Woodburn’s name might not be familiar to you, but I’m sure you’ve seen him. Remember Kramer’s friend Mickey on Seinfeld? That was Danny Woodburn. He made this list due to his outstanding role on maybe the greatest sitcom ever, not because of the stupid commercial seen below. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t find the Seinfeld clip anywhere on the web, and neither Larry nor Jerry would return my calls. It’s like people make a few hundred million dollars and they stop being your friend. Jerks.
3. Bridget the Midget
My two favorite things in the world are midgets and porn....OK......better make that just porn. Bridget the Midget is the world’s most famous midget stripper/porn star, and she’s also my ideal woman. Think about it - she’d be really cheap to take out to dinner, she could never hog the covers, being next to her would always make you feel huge and manly, (pssst!....well endowed), and most importantly, she couldn’t beat the crap out of you when you try to stand up for yourself and have your buddies over to play poker once a week…heh, not that anything like that has ever happened to me before.
2. The Rice Twins
You ever fall asleep on the couch while watching TV and wake up in the middle of the night? You’re not tired anymore, and the TV is on already so you decide to see if there’s anything worthwhile on the tube at 4 AM.
Some guys are selling samurai swords. CLICK. An episode of The Golden Girls. Dang I forgot how hot Blanche was. Ugh, Estelle Getty. CLICK. Ron Popeil is slicing and dicing something. CLICK. People talking about selling real estate. Hold up. Are those twin midgets dressed in business suits? Yes! I’ve got to see what these little guys are talking about!
Those two guys were John and Greg Rice, two self-made real estate millionaires. They used their status as midget twins to push their Cashflow Generator system and were very successful. John tragically passed away a couple years ago, but Greg is still going strong. Here’s a clip of the two brothers doing a commercial for a pest control business that they had a stake in.
1. Warwick Davis
If you’re making a list of the greatest midgets ever, one man is clearly head and shoulders above the rest, figuratively, that is. He’s had roles in Star Wars movies, Harry Potter movies, had numerous TV appearances, and played the lead in several Leprechaun movies as well as in his crowning achievement, Willow way before there was Lord of the Rings. Back when Ron Howard actually made good movies to inspiring James Horner scores. If you don’t have Willow in your list of top 10 movies ever, then you either haven’t seen it or you’re just a damned fool. Either way, you should stop reading now and rent the movie. It will change your life.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Midgets make great wrestlers. Midget tossing is a cool game to play and midgets are also news worthy when combined with tragic events.
But, did you also know they're great dancers?
Man, just think of all the midget trim those dudes must get?
Monday, March 19, 2007
On such an auspicious occasion you would think I’d devote an entire week to bashing religion and all its zealots. However, if you know me, you know I don’t need a special platform to do that.
So, I will stick to my original plan and present Little People Week--- most of which I am loving ripping off from Matt over at Brohans--- where all the posts will revolve around little people.
First off, I’d just like to apologize to any little people that this post might offend. I know that some little people consider the use of the word “midget” to be equivalent to the use of the “n-word” to describe black people.
I am obviously not a midget (Haha, could you imagine a midget and his stubby little fingers trying to type on a keyboard?), so I can’t really speak about the validity of that comparison, but I know that there’s one important distinction between those two groups of people in my mind at least - black people can hurt me, midgets cannot. (No midgets can hurt me, not even black midgets. To illustrate my point, I’ve included a handy color-coded Venn diagram which I created in just under 3 hours.)
Clearly, the majority of black people can hurt me. However, midgets who are black are part of the small subset of black people who cannot hurt me.
Now that we’ve established that I can use the word “midget” with impunity, let’s get right down to it. You'll need to brush up on your midgetology before we can go any further. The following links are suggested for just such a purpose. The A, B, C's of midgetdom. Check them out and I'll see you tomorrow.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I am sorry.
As for the little people, I'll devote an entire week to your cause at some point in the near future. Don't you worry.
I was going to apologize this week for the offensive cartoon, but it's going to take some time to find an album with a dead hooker on the cover. So, to the Irish and the lovers of St. Patrick's Day-- which pretty much includes us all-- this is your lucky day. I recommend the aptly titled following:
Friday, March 16, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
All I have to say is, "People get your priorities straight! Cockfighting is a stupid sport whether you wear the obligatory helmet, or turtle neck you were designated by parents, or religion at birth".
Contestants are half blind, having only the one eye, and personally, I don’t have the stamina anymore. It seems every time I want to do battle I end up pulling my groin and the threat of injury is constantly prevalent.
So, I for one say, it’s about time they outlawed the sport for good. Let us return to more civilized ways.....duels with pistols at ten paces.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
It sucks going back to work on Monday especially when its an hour earlier than you expected. So for you my friends, something to cheer you up and perhaps best represent how you feel about the work week ahead: The Departed- The entire movie in 2 minutes.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
So to say I'm sorry to all the non-believers, be they atheists, agnostics, or neo agnostics, ( I guess they're the ones who don't believe in the Matrix?), I recommend the following new release: A. A. Allen's, God is a Killer.
Friday, March 09, 2007
If you're a lazy bastard like me, you probably just move on with so much as a raised eyebrow. I understand it's a lot of work to move the cursor to the link.
Hell, I break a sweat just Blogging. But today, I have a link that even the laziest person among us will want to check out. Potentially it has the power to make your life so much easier.
I'm talking about the beer launching fridge. Go on. Muster up the energy. Click the link. Watch the video. Tell me I was right.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Take for example Apocalypto. With all the Jew bashing Mel has participated in and the number of Jews running Hollywood, it’s just simple math. There's not going to be any golden-boys for Ol’ Braveheart.
Sure he'd see the dangling carrot of a nomination or two. However, when you lambaste the toothless old hooker over the price of the blow-job, you might as well say goodbye to that sweet fellatio....believe me I know.
So, post Oscars I finally got around to watching this film, which I must say, other than a few short comings, I actually enjoyed.
Following is my real time review of Apocalypto:
0:04:38- What did he say?
0:04:51- Did you catch that?
0:05:17- Why don’t they just speak English?
0:06:23- Got to admit killing the pig and eating the innards was cool.
0:22:06- What the hell are they saying?
0:27:45- Wow! So much blood.
0:32:58- Are you sure this isn’t a Scorcese film?
0:34:19- Is that Mel with the bone through his nose?
0:39:31- OK that must be Mel with the face paint and the goofy hairdo? Definitely something Riggs would do.
0:41:28- If the small fat kid is Mel...Wow, good makeup job.
0:41:32- What did Mel just say anyway?
0:41:39- Read the subtitles? Is that what that is?
0:41:55- I NEVER LEARNED TO READ! *sobs* I'm going to go Blog. (What a paradox)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Top 10 Simpson's Intros.
Worst music videos of all time. Thank God there are only 6 of them.
Top 20 Manliest movies.
Top 10 greatest 80's movie bad-asses.
Now that you're machismo is at an all time high, let's look at the Top 10 gruesome sports injuries......Don't look GIGC! Yet I wonder where the clip of the guy at the World's Strongest Man is? His leg broke while he was carrying a fridge on his back. And the minor league goalie who lost his glove and had his fingers sliced off by a passing skate....and....OK I get it. Enough!
Maybe we should have done this one before the sports injuries? Top 10 video games to play while stoned.
Finally, A month of Kama Sutra positions done by chicks. 28 in all. I guess that would make it for February? Sorry for the delay.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
Now, to you, I pass along the words of wisdom on how to achieve maximum bulge.
#1 The Steely Dan
Made of: A tube sock full of stainless steel beads, topped with a pair of golf balls.
Ideal for: Solemn occasions, like giving the eulogy at a friend's funeral. The Steely Dan is high on bulk but low on rigidity and protrusion, projecting a calm, stable energy over the mourners without giving the awkward appearance that you're experiencing sexual arousal at the thought of their loved one's death.
Make sure to: Avoid rupture of the sock and spillage of the beads. Always double-sock this one.
#2 The BeastMaster
Made of: An athletic supporter coated on the outside with double-sided tape. Then, before leaving the house, attach a live ferret.
Ideal for: Intimidation, intimidation, intimidation. No one wants to meet you in a dark alley with two feet of bulge thrashing and hissing across your groin.
Added advantage: the furious squeaking and hissing make this the only crotch bulge on the list that can be heard over the phone. "What's that sound? It's my bulge, asshole."
Make sure to: Not wear this on a date. Ferrets have a horrible odor that would be unacceptable for a groin anywhere. Except Europe.
#3 The Cock Lobster
Made of: One live lobster, you can choose the size according to the occasion. Simply rub some raw fish on your scrotum and let the lobster grab on with his pincers. Mistaking your testes for prey, he'll hang on for 12 to 16 hours.
Ideal for: Sympathy. This bulge is the opposite to the BeastMaster. The excruciating pain of lobster claws on your manhood will twist your face into a continual mask of tragedy. Expect steady tears.
This one is perfect for apologies or bitch-out sessions with the boss. One look at you wincing and biting your lip and hearing you quietly begging God to let you die, and they'll know you're sorry. Al Capone said it best: "Beastmaster for doing the crime, Cock Lobster for doing the trial."
Make sure to: Keep an eye out. The smell of lobster can attract a host of predators, from raccoons to sea gulls to bears.
#4 The Escalade
Made of: A bottle of Cristal champagne, fitted into a leather Louis Vuitton adjustable crotch bottle harness.
Ideal for: Any time you're in the line of sight of females, my friend. The ultimate symbol of wealth and virility, this bulge can be seen from 100 feet away if worn with the right pants. Also, positioned perpendicular to the groin, this foot-long protrusion is ideal for people who dislikes hugs.
All right this is the one I'm going with!
Make sure to: Avoid breakage. Not recommended for contact sports.
#5 The Commander in Chief
Made of: A deflated football, partially filled with warm clam chowder.
Ideal for: Just ask its inventor, one John F. Kennedy.
That's right, folks, this is The Bulge That Changed History. When Kennedy faced Nixon in the first televised debates of 1960, the audience who heard the debate on radio declared Nixon the winner. Those who saw it on TV, however, overwhelmingly went Kennedy. Why?
Because Kennedy was packing The Commander In Chief, broadcasting his distended groin into the zeitgeist of the free world once and for all. The people heard Nixon talk tough on Communism. They saw Kennedy had five pounds of dong.
Look around and you'll see "The Commander" is making a comeback in a huge way. In a nation longing for change, growing fearful of terror just as JFK's America lived under the looming Soviet shadow, this bulge's time has come once again.
In your own life, this classic is ideal for first impressions, such as job interviews or meeting the parents of your future bride for the first time. Good heft and volume, yet comfortable and form-fitting. A natural look that speaks of quiet authority.
Make sure to: Avoid leakage. Just ask George W. Bush, who planned to unleash his "Commander" in 2003 after landing aboard an aircraft carrier. Unfortunately, the G-forces from the flight ruptured the football, spilling most of the chowder down his thighs. When he stepped off the plane he unveiled to a shocked nation a bulge not even a quarter of the size he planned:
I just made you look at George W's crotch!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Friday, March 02, 2007
Perhaps you can tell me? In the clip for best picture nomination,"Thy Kingdom Come",isn't that the guy from American Idol wearing the Ranger jersey?
Jesus! First Antonella Barba, now this.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I vowed to get in more practice with the female of the species and come back stronger than ever.
Following is a survey I have prepared for my multiple, vagina-card-carrying, partners in an effort to better myself and regain my lofty sexual prowess with GIGC.
1- Dear female: You have just had sex with me. Was it a disappointing experience?
2- During foreplay, which of the following breast-stimulation techniques did I employ?
a) The Tune in Tokyo
b) The Kneading Dough
c) The Soft Caress
d) The Obligatory Nipple Suck
3- You realized I was interested in having sexual intercourse with you when I...
a) Poured you a glass of wine and dimmed the lights
b) Came out of the bathroom naked
c) Put on porn "by mistake"
d) Announced, "It's not going to suck itself"
e) Drugged your drink
4- When I first moved my hand downtown, you thought
a) "Don't stop"
b) "Please stop"
c) I'd dropped a Cheeto.
5- Seeing me naked for the first time made you...
a) Hot with anticipation
b) Jealous of my boobs
c) Ask whether you could braid my back hair
d) Wish you had a smaller vagina
6- When you were kind enough to give me oral attention, I...
a) Made sure to return the favor later in the evening
b) Grabbed your ears as if I was hoisting the Stanley Cup
c) Repeatedly shouted directions at you
d) Purposefully misled you about the timing of my climax
7- I treated your clitoris like it was a:
b) Speed bag
c) Delicate mandolin
d) Paper triangle football
8- Which words best describe my penis?
e) What penis?
9- In my mind, the sex lasted for hours. In reality, it took up:
a) 1 min. - less than 2 min.
b) 2 min. - less than 3 min.
c) 3 min - less than 4 min.
d) Greater than 4 min.
10- How many orgasms did you have?
d) One - in the bathroom afterward riding my electric shaver.
11- Over the course of the night, the most inappropriate thing I tried to use on you was...
a) A cheesy pickup line
b) A Black Mambo vibrator with crocodile ribs
c) The shocker
d) The sleeper hold
e) The Dirty Sanchez
12- Did I say anything embarrassing at the point of the orgasm?
Yes, and here it is (please spell phonetically in the comment box)
13- During our five minutes or less of intercourse, how many positions did I bust out?
b) 2 - 3
c) 4 - 6
d) 7 or more
e) You don't know. The pain of your ankles up behind your ears was too excruciating.
14- You cried during intercourse. Why?
a) I was crushing you
b) I was pulling your hair
c) It was just that big
d) I brought back painful memories of that time you were with your uncle in the woodshed.
e) It wasn't tears - it was my sweat that had fallen onto your face
15- Immediately after finishing our act of lovemaking, I...
a) Tried to high-five you
b) Fell asleep on the wet spot
c) Cuddled you attentively
d) Turned the TV back on so I could watch Heroes
16- What best describes the view you had when you woke up?
a) A sleeping Adonis
b) A puddle of drool
c) My Star Wars bedsheets
d) My best friend sneaking out from his hiding place in the closet with the video camera
Thank you for participating in this survey. Please leave your answers in the comment box and I promise I won't comment on your box.