Thursday, May 31, 2007

They sure didn't make toys like that when I was a kid #11

Hey Bushy, Osama's on the phone......and you said he was hard to find.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

One man's life sentence is another's house arrest

Yesterday Daniel Sylvester was found guilty of the second-degree murder of his next-door neighbour, Alicia Ross, by an Ontario jury after less than four hours of deliberations.

The conviction carries an automatic life sentence with no chance of parole for at least 10 years.

Which is fine by me. If you take someones life you should lose yours. That's fair.

Too bad Ol' Daniel didn't take the life of a Toronto taxi driver while he was street racing, he'd only be serving 1 year house arrest, another year with a curfew and not allowed to drive for four years, as two teens did for crashing their parents Mercedes into Tahir Khan, who died in January 2006, days before he was set to be sworn in as a Canadian citizen. (And I don't give a shit if that's the longest run-on sentence you've seen me write.)

Just goes to show you their are two levels of justice: The rich fucks, and the rest of us.

And don't talk to me about Paris Hilton and her 21 days in the joint, I've gone down on women longer than that, just ask GIGC.

Note to the two teens charged in the shooting death of high school student Jordan Manners: Better hope you come into money soon.

How's this for a metaphor?

The lions are the rich dudes, the water buffalo are the rest of us and the crocodile are the justice system.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Sunday, May 27, 2007

For Country or King?

After an extremely asinine long layoff the Stanley Cup Playoffs resume this Monday with the Ducks hosting the hated Sens. The dilemma facing most Torontonians, where the Leafs rule, is do they get behind Ottawa as Canadians, or remain true to the blue and white?

What will they do when Blackberry maker Jim Balsillie, who just bought the Predators and is sure to give Nashville a R.I.M. job, moves the team to southern Ontario?

Then we’ll have two teams here....Personally, I debate that we have one now.

But are they testing her for steroids?

A British woman is claiming the record for the world's fastest birth - in just under two minutes.

Palak Vyas's baby girl Vedika arrived weighing a healthy 7lb 2oz less than 120 seconds after her waters broke.
The Vyas family have contacted the Guinness Book Of Records.

While they're at it, they should see if she qualifies for World's largest vagina?

Beauty and the Beatbox

Sparks will fly as 17 year old Jordan Sparks won American Idol this.....who the fuck cares? Really? I mean it’s not like this TV show is going to change your Pirate Master will. Get a life!

Watch out for wild life

LONDON, Ont. -- The indisputable evidence is in -- cougars are roaming the wild in
southern Ontario. The last official sighting of a cougar, which is endangered, in Ontario was in 1884.

I guess these guys have never been to The Corral in Oshawa? Plenty of cougars there my friend

DNA from feces found two years ago near a suspected den at the Wainfleet Bog -- about 5 km northwest of Port Colborne -- confirms a cougar was in that area.

Jesus ladies! Use a restroom for God's sake!

The biggest unanswered question is whether the cougar is an "exotic" pet that escaped or was released....

It's called divorce.

....or a remnant of the North American cougar that once roamed across the continent.

Either way you look at it MILF does the body good.

I guess the G is silent?

Carl's Jr. doesn't like being the butt of Jack's jokes.

So CKE Restaurants Inc., which owns Carl's Jr. and Hardee's, sued Jack in the Box Inc. in federal court in Santa Ana, Calif., on Friday, accusing the San Diego-based chain of deceptive advertising relating to the business end of a cow.

The suit cites TV ads that tout Jack in the Box's sirloin burgers and lampoon those made with Angus beef, which happens to be what's in the Carl's Jr. Six Dollar Burger and the Hardee's Thickburger (and in premium burgers sold at McDonald's and Burger King).

Let's have a look at that shall we?

Psst you’re fired.

Two town employees fired for gossiping about their boss have lost an appeal to get their jobs back.

Four women were fired in April after a closed-door vote of the Town Council. Two administrative assistants appealed their firings earlier this month, but Jessica Skorupski and Joanne Drewniak learned late Friday night that the council had rejected their bid to be reinstated.

You see, I would never do something like that. I would never disclose that the Mayor embezzled tax payers money after the last election, or GIGC ruined OBJ’s big screen when she fell into it in a drunken stupor last poker party, or that secretly I love to wear women’s undergarments– wearing them now as I write this in fact. No! Those are secrets I will take to the grave.

Speaking of the worst kept secret

The best band you never heard of Private Sector announced late last year that they would be reforming for shows in 2007. Quickly The Police and Genesis followed suit with plans for reunion tours as well. Not to be out done, Rush and Roger Waters in haste booked summer tours of their own. Even the Osmonds are getting back together for a performance.

The Osmonds! For Christ’s sake! End this madness!

On Thursday of last week I attended the Q107 30th anniversary with OBJ and some of the members of Private Sector, where reformed bands traipsed across the stage by the dozens and Gil Moore announced publicly Triumph were also throwing their hat into the ring of reformation.

However, the biggest insult to injury, came at the hands of the reformed Max Webster when keyboardist Terry Watkinson, with foresight and malicious intent, mimicked beloved Sector bassist/keyboardist Don Bon Darley by donning his trademark lab coat. Just look at the pics and correct me if I’m wrong.

Terry Watkinson of Max Webster

Beloved Don Bon Darley of Private Sector

Check out the homage of Sector sites:

OK, disregard the last one unless you have something wrong with your prostate.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Friday, May 25, 2007

New release this week

I highly recommend: Shocking Rugby Songs Vol. 3. I know it's got me through a difficult time or six.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

They sure didn't make toys like that when I was a kid #9

I might add, for which I'm extremely grateful.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Monday, May 21, 2007

Hire me Motherblogger!

Five years ago, few people had heard of blogs — online journals that are commonly used to chronicle the lives and opinions of their authors.

Of course you already know that, otherwise what are you doing here?

Now, more than two million Americans are blogging, according to a study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project — and blogging is spreading in the job market, said hiring managers and experts who study blogging.

I guess Canada is just another state?

"It's a little like a prescreening," said Roy Singham, the company's chief executive at Jupiter Research in New York who covers blogs. "We're looking for needles in haystacks, and the blog is like a massive magnet."

From some of the Blogs I've seen, a massive shit magnet.

However, it is advised, if you wish to get noticed by companies scouring Blogs for the right employee to fill vacancies, avoid strong political views, sexual or religious links.

Or basically, everything that makes up most Blogs.....OK just don't look at the Adult Friend Finder link and I'll cancel my "Jesus Loves Me- Dailey Message" link I was going to put up this week.

He added: "That's the advantage of blogging — if you do it well and have interesting things to say, people pay attention."

So much for me then. Good luck with your search guys......worthless assholes.....Did I say that out loud?

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Don't move! Or the bitch gets it!

Dogs are being kidnapped at an alarming rate, some even at gun point. Especially purebred Yorkshire terriers which can fetch (no pun intended) up to $2,000 each.

$2,000? For a Yorkie?.........Fuuuuuck......Why?....All that dog does is eat, shit, sleep, yap, and make more Yorkshire terriers.

Pirates of the Atlantic

Deep-sea explorers said Friday they have mined what could be the richest shipwreck treasure in history, bringing home 17 tons of colonial-era silver and gold coins from an undisclosed site in the Atlantic Ocean. Estimated value: $500 million.

Wow!......That would buy you a shit load of Yorkshire Terriers.

Tinky Winky gets the last laugh

Tinky Winky may be gay, but Jerry Falwell's, set, match....In your face God.

Now on to more important news like....Have they finished building that Hooker Haven on Toronto Island yet? And how to unlock your car door with a tennis ball.

Ham-as's- M-O-U-S-E

A program using a Mickey Mouse-like character to urge Palestinian children to fight Israel and the West and work for world Islamic domination has been pulled off a Hamas TV station for review.

Palestinian Information Minister Mustafa Barghouti said the use of the cartoon character in such a role represented a "mistaken approach" to the Palestinian struggle against Israeli occupation.

But you be the judge. Is it just me or does the militant mouse sound strangely similar to those recordings of Osama bin Laden?

No wonder Prince Harry's not going to Iraq.

The ratings game

Smoking will be a bigger factor in determining film ratings, the Motion Picture Association of America said but critics state the move does not go far enough to discourage teens from taking up the habit.

That adds smoking to a list of such factors as sex, violence and language in determining the MPAA’s G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings.

However, I hear they have backed off their original assessment coming to a more reasonable compromise. Now a film will only receive the new rating if it involves a vagina smoking a cigarette.

Little Willy Willy won't

For those of you who were hoping to poke Prince William on Facebook, forget it. It was a hoax.

First the General Lee now this.

"Facebook removes any content that is in violation of our terms of use, including fake profiles," a Facebook spokeswoman told Fox News "After investigating the profile for William Wales, we found that it was a fake profile and we removed it from the site. We encourage users to report any violations of our terms."

No wonder Prince Harry's not going to Iraq.....

You don't know Diddley

Come on...sing with me....

Bo Diddley clearly was not himself,
His speech recognition was on the shelf,
When all his ailments finally broke,
Poor Bo Diddley done had a stroke,

Bo Diddley almost bought the farm,
Shoulda been aware bout the pain in his arm,
Rushed to a hospital, put em in a bed,
Otherwise Bo might’ve wound up dead,

Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley,
Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley.

Now he’s havin' trouble can’t speak, can’t talk,
sure can’t play no guitar rock,
With a little improvement day by day
You might hear the doctors say:

Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley,
Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley.


Happy Days the musical? What is the world coming to?

No wonder Prince Harry's not going to Iraq.

Can no one out there rub two brains together and come up with an original idea for theatre?

Apparently not.

We have to rehash ABBA and Queen, pick the bones of Dr. Seuss, adapt Hairspray and Dirty Dancing. Why, there’s even a Spiderman musical in the works. Outside of the theme song I can’t see how that will work?

So, trying to stay one step ahead of the so-called "creative genius", I'd like to present:

Musicals I’d pay to see.

Quentin Tarantino presents "Stuck in the Middle With You"
300 -the Musical
Terminator on the Roof


Musicals I wouldn’t pay to see.

Pirates of the Opera "At Worlds End"
Les MiserabLove Boat
Mama Mia Farrow


LONDON) — Britain's Prince Harry will not be sent with his unit to Iraq, Britain's top general said Wednesday, citing specific threats to the third in line to the throne.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Sir Richard Dannatt said the changing situation on the ground exposed the prince to too much danger.

"There have been a number of specific threats, (not to mention Hamas Mice) some reported and some not reported, that relate directly to Prince Harry as an individual," Dannatt said. "These threats exposed him and those around him to a degree of risk I considered unacceptable."

Didn't see that coming.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Friday, May 18, 2007

New release this week

With the death of Jerry Falwell this week, you might be in need of some spiritual guidance. Maybe even spiritual guidance x2? Therefore I recommend: The Amason Twins- Hallelujah! the Lord is Coming Again. Too bad Falwell's not here to see it.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thursday by the numbers

OK, since my statement about the Big Smoke being the city of losers, I've somehow magically bestowed good fortune on Toronto's sports teams- those still playing anyway. The Blue Jays have strung together a series of wins including a sweep of Baltimore and Toronto FC has won a couple as well, including a win against the defending champions from Houston. To the aforementioned FC I dedicate the first link.

Top 10 dumbest soccer goals scored.

Top 10 ugliest rockstars.

10 greatest motherf....curses in movie history.

Top 10 Pulp Fiction parodies.

Top 10 boob products.

*ding! ding! ding! ding!*

Bonus boob link.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Cats are funny...drunk ones even more so

...What you say? A mental disorder?....Whatever, it's still funny.

Monday, May 14, 2007

They sure didn't make toys like that when I was a kid #8

But I sure wish they had. Getting in a girls pants would have been so much easier. "Of course I'm sure it said 'left hand- penis'".

Hey, you don't suppose if they gave these out to Afghan prisoners there'd be less allegations of torture do you?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mother's Day special: Tasteless cartoon of the week

Hello from the city of losers

That would be Toronto for those of you who might not know. A place where we’re actually disappointed if our sports teams don’t suck.

The Leafs didn’t qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the Raptors bowed out in 6 games to the New Jersey Nets, the Blue Jays have been decimated by injuries and are 1-9 in their last 10 games.

Does anyone know if our soccer team- Toronto FC- have even scored a goal yet? Thank God Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana. He might actually have to stay another year with the Argos.

Now, If I had posted this yesterday morning as I intended, I wouldn’t have to deal with the Blue Jays winning their second in a row and Toronto FC not only scoring their first goal, but actually winning..... All I can say is, Thank God for the Leafs.

That’s all folks

Warner Brothers has decided to pull all screenings of up coming films such as Harry Potter, Nancy Drew and Oceans 13 because of Canada’s lax laws on movie piracy.

Which is OK by me. I’ve already downloaded and seen those films. They all sucked.

Turning over a new four leaf clover

Sworn enemies from Northern Ireland's bitter past joined forces Tuesday atop a new Northern Ireland government, an astonishing achievement that both sides pledged would consign decades of death and destruction to history.

The official celebration of the merger will be followed by a good old fashion piss-up and a big donnybrook.

Pops come to blows

The Boston Pops' opened their concert season with a brawl in the balcony at Symphony Hall.

The fight started after one of the two men involved tapped the other on the shoulder with a program to complain about noise, police said.

I'm still waiting word on whether they are members of the Irish Parliment, or if the Pops were performing the 1812 Overture.

Hazzard hoax upsets Duke

Actor John Schneider found out this week, the nearly $10 million eBay bid for General Lee – the 1969 Dodge Charger made famous by "The Dukes of Hazzard" television series – is a hoax.

The $9,900,500 million bid to buy the coveted piece of TV land, sent shockwaves through the online auction world and set an eBay record, but has missed the first payment deadline.

Was the bidders name, Hugh Jass, any clue?

Video Ozzfest or SHARON the spotlight

Ozzy Osbourne is giving fans the chance to direct his video for "I Don’t Wanna Stop", the first single from his May 22 Epic release "Black Rain". The winning clip will become the official video and will be serviced to video outlets all over the world. This is the ultimate Ozzy fan’s chance — on their own terms, with all the right tools — to work with the Ozzman himself while getting few accolades.

Which just goes to show, aging rockers are cheap, lazy bastards.

IKEA parkingfluggen, but you have to put it together yourself

By the end of the month, IKEA will set aside two parking spots for environmentally friendly hybrid vehicles at each of its 11 superstore parking lots.
It's part of a flurry of green initiatives being pitched to Canadian consumers this year, as firms from retailers to banks and insurers aim to capitalize on the growing realization of the effects of climate change.

Personally I couldn’t care less. I always get great parking when I shop. Why, just this week I got a fantastic deal on a computer desk and a fridge with the door missing, while getting primo parking right next to the curb. Beat that IKEA.


Federal documents revealed, more Canadians were reported assaulted while visiting Mexico over the past seven years than any other travel destination.

A total of 1,133 Canadian travellers reported to Canadian authorities they were assaulted on foreign soil between the years 2000 and 2006. Of those, Mexico leads the list with 173 reported assault cases. China was next with 105 and Cuba with 62. Thailand was fourth with 45 and the United States followed with 40

They also found out of all the travel destinations Mexico is where you are most likely to see Mexicans, so watch out!

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Friday, May 11, 2007

New release this week

On a personal note: This one goes out to my new buddy Blue Boy.

This week I recommend: The Best of the Singing Postman.

It will make you want to listen to his back catalogue. I think his second album was called "The Postman Always Sings Twice"?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

What the F...indeed!

Below are the two posts that were supposed to be on Tuesday. For some strange reason they showed up today.......BEHOLD! The speed of the mighty internet......Canada Post gets shit to me faster.

What the F...revisited

F5 apparently, more than 3/4 of a mile wide that wiped out Greenburg Kansas Friday night.

We're not in Kansas anymore

The after effects of the tornado

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What the F...!

Initially I had hoped to post the YouTube of the F5 that devastated Greenburg Kansas last Friday on my blog. However, every time I tried to load it and was greeted by the message, "Your video will appear shortly", it failed to materialize.

Today I tried, unsuccessfully, to post it again. Yet the same message, "Your video will appear shortly" blinked at me relentlessly despite the contrary.

In other words YouTube, you lied to me.

Now I expect to be lied to by my elected officials. I know my parents have lied to me at some time in my life for my own good. My girl GIGC has lied pretty every time she has vocalized a satisfying orgasm during our sexual romps. Even my Son has lied to me. BTW Tristan I know that's your weed under the Christmas decorations in the shed because I keep mine in the old rubber boot.

I've heard lies from bosses, teachers, priests, police....there's no way I was driving that fast.

Why, I've even told the odd fib myself.....Honestly I don't know who's panties they are.

But YouTube?

I'm shocked...I'm stunned....I'm a tad disappointed.

All I wanted was a video of a tornado causing destruction. What I got was a crushing emptiness that can never be filled. Thanks YouTube.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Offensive by default

For some reason, the YouTubes wouldn't load today so do to the technical difficulty we now join the tasteless cartoon of the week already in progress.

Monday, May 07, 2007

They sure didn't make toys like that when I was a kid #7

So Spiderman was #1 at the box office. Honestly who didn't see that coming? However I bet you didn't think you'd see the following? You see, to try to make back the millions spent already on production and advertising etc. the Spiderman brand has been licenced to everything from tampons to pillowcase nighties and this next item......It doesn’t spin a web, any size. But it catches fish…using flies. Look out! Here comes the prosthetic Spiderman fishing rod arm.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Here's the beef

Preggo mothers who eat 7 or more servings of beef a week are likely to have baby boys with low sperm counts.

Don't look at me. I didn't say it. I'm just the messenger. Unless you are counting the penis, a.k.a. the beef syringe, or cock sausage, I don’t know any woman- pregnant or otherwise- that chows on cow that much in a single week.

More scientific studies dead ahead

Beer shrinks your brain.
White guys are 50% more likely to have heart attacks.
Coffee lowers your there anything it can’t do?

Doan push me cause I’m close to the edge

I'm sure you've heard about the scrutiny Phoenix Coyote Shane Doan has come under for being made captain of the Canadian hockey team?

How "supposedly" Mr. Doan uttered a racist remark 2 years ago at a game in Montreal towards a French Canadian official, and how Hockey Canada is being called in to question for even having him on the team.

Yes....this is your tax dollars hard at work, even though there are greater issues to tackle like- What the fuck is going on with gas prices, or keeping in context- where's Vincent Lecavalier or Martin St.Louis, both French Canadians who turned down offers to represent their country?

Next they’ll be convening to ask why Captain Canada was allowed to score a hat trick in a game against Belarus at the world championship on Friday.

What a bunch of useless motherfuckers politicians are. There’s one for the language committee to ponder. I mean could they waste our money on anything more assinine?

Foot protection

Bigfoot, the legendary hairy man-like beast said to roam the wildernesses of North America, is not shy, merely so rare it risks extinction and should be protected as an endangered species.

So says Canadian MP Mike Lake who has called for Bigfoot to be protected under Canada's species at risk act, alongside Whooping Cranes, Blue Whales, and Red Mulberry trees.

I just got my answer.

Vote for the worst Canadian

The Beaver: Canada's History Magazine is inviting nominations for the "worst Canadian" in the country's past.

It's part of an online promotion launched this week by the magazine, the flagship publication of the National History Society, for its August-September issue. In the issue, 10 prominent Canadian writers and historians will state their case for their choice of the worst character from the seamier side of Canadian life.

I nominate my paper boy, who treats my Saturday Star like a 5th grade science experiment. Every time it rains it's always hanging half out of the plastic bag....if it's in a bag at all. Little bastard's probably on the Language Committee too?

Glove me tender

NASA has awarded $200,000 to the creator of a new spacesuit glove that beat out its competitors and NASA's own current glove in tests of strength, flexibility and comfort. Aspects of the design could be used in future NASA spacesuits.

The Astronaut Glove Challenge was part of a series of NASA-funded contests called Centennial Challenges. NASA promised $200,000 in prize money for anyone who could design a glove capable of outperforming the existing gloves used by NASA astronauts, as well as beating those of other entrants in the competition.

Next up? A condom that doesn't feel like you're doing laundry with mittens on....I hope.

General is King

eBay has put up John Schneider's own personal General Lee, the 1969 Dodge Charger used in the "Dukes of Hazzard," which was sold yesterday for a whopping.......

(best Dr. Evil voice), 9! Milllllion 900, 500 dollars. Hey I can’t get $500 for my 1990 Honda...go figure?

A new report released, states terrorists love the Internet, so-much-so, besides doing their banking on line, they are also recruiting, chatting with other terrorists in secure chat rooms, and researching all their info i.e. "Building the Perfect Dirty Bomb", "The Ins and Outs of Planes vs Tall Buildings", and "Suicide Bombing for Dummies".

Hasslehoff’s got talent

But don’t let me tell you about it. See for yourself....just in case you haven't seen it already on every other blog, entertainment news cast, or media service.


The time is coming my brothers and sisters. It's only a little over two months away until the best day of the year.....Pottahawk!

Friday, May 04, 2007

New release this week

Only in Toronto, could a non play-off team make headlines during the Stanley Cup play-offs.

One source says Leaf Captain Mats Sundin needs potentially career ending hip surgery. Others say it is a vicious act to sabotage contract negotiations.

With all the yammering I'd like to make the following's not "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and the News.....wait for it.

I recommend: Understand Your Swede by Jimmy Jensen. And why does he have what looks like an axe in his hand?

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Who's more famousr?

Or would that be famousrer? You decide. See how far you get.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Cat Head Theatre

They sure didn't make toys like that when I was a kid #6

What more can I say?....I mean honestly.