Saturday, April 29, 2006

A flat-ulent week

I don’t have much to post this week. It’s not that there wasn’t a lot going on. There was the usual stabbings, deaths, road closures, out of control taxation, moribund movie releases, the Stones not giving up their hotel suite in Vienna for President Bush etc. You know same-old-same-old.

It was the mundane array of things vastly contributing to a crumbling infrastructure and the quality of bumper-to-bumper existence. But for most of the week I had my hands pressed tightly over my ears. "’m not listening."

So I will do my best to throw together the few tidbits managing to filter through my fleshy ear muffs.

Beans beans: Now just good for your heart

That’s right my faithful readership. Science has perfected the perfect flatulent free bean, just for you. It’s all about you isn’t it?

Think about it. Whoopie cushions will cease to exist. No longer will your experience those embarrassing moments during oral sex, the red-faced handshake at important business meetings, the foul odor in elevators, in broom closets, in Chinese restaurants....ok scratch the last one....but you see what I mean?

Got milk

A study released this week stated, women who drink more milk will have normal babies where as those who don’t run the chance of undersized, hideous creations with twelve toes...on one foot, and an arsehole in the middle of their forehead.

I think the study was brought to you by the manufacturers of milk if I’m not mistaken.

Speaking of milk....

Brittany the baby factory

Really do you need anymore details? Usually it’s one more mouth to feed, now it’s one more to drop on it’s head.

My car’s on the pill

With the increase in fuel prices be wary of internet ads touting the gas pill for your car. It is said one of these pills in your tank will help improve performance and mileage while leaving you engine sparkling clean and smelling of mint.

When tested the results showed a less than 3% increase in over all performance and the exhaust emitting an olfactory property closer to the scrotal sack of an African dung beetle, but there were no signs of pregnancy.....speaking of which.....see previous story.

You’re flying low

In the wake of another four dead Canadian soldiers returning from Afghanistan this week, a controversy brewed in the nation's capitol....that’s Ottawa for those of you who don’t know....It’s in Ontario....A province in Canada.....The country just above the United Shatner....oh, never mind!

The argument was over whether the flag should be lowered to half-mast every time a soldier is killed. The debate presented two strong arguments.

One side sighting, "It’s a Wonderful Life," and the whole every time an angel gets his wings thing.

The other, "The yo-yo effect." I mean can you imagine the U.S. lowering the flag every time they lost one of their own in Iraq. The damn flag would be up and down so much the pole would have an orgasm.

David vs Goliath

A Montreal amusement park is looking for 72 brave souls to ride their new coaster "Goliath."
Willing participants must be high to say "this high" and there’s a measurement....who cares.....

You must also have "David" as a given name and be able to shit your pants at 110 MPH. Better start chowin’ down on those beans.

This week's new release: Pearl Jam

But I recommend......Which begs the question. Will there be another album now that all his friends are dead?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Mindless links day

You know what I haven't done for a long time?.........the title gave it away, didn't it?........Yup. A mindless links day. Just a bunch of crap to take your mind off those rainy , shitty, days when all you can do is sit in front of the computer playing online poker against a bunch of frickin all-in assholes who's idea of strategy is to play lotto poker on every hand!.....enough said.

In honour of Mitchieville, another fireworks disaster. Who had the Dutch in the pool?.......Bueller?....Anyone?

What better way to waste a lazy, sexless, Sunday afternoon, than watch the dead decompose?

My favourite T-shirt, at the moment.

Classic game show blooper.

There. Wasn't that fun? The only thing missing was midgets kick-boxing......Oh wait! Midgets kick-boxing.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

A whirlwind week

Alright. Hang on. Busy week. Lots to cover. Births and birthdays, ugly to the thugly, firings, suits, the rich to the poor, the sexy to the unsexy....if you will. It all starts here.

Mission accomplished

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl, which by now, everyone in the galaxy knows except for GIGC who said, "What Katie Holmes was way!"

They named her "Suri" which is supposed to mean "Princess" in Hebrew. Now, this is news to the Jews, because that’s not what it means according to them. However, don’t be distressed there are other cultures to cover the meaning of "Suri." In Japan, "suri" means "pick-pocket." In India it means "needle nose". In the depths of the Congo it means "one who eats placentas."

Hey there’s even a type of alpaca called a suri if the first three don’t appeal to you.

Brooke shields also gave birth the same day, in the same hospital, in the same....who gives a fuck.

BTW....Did Tom ever eat the placenta? Someone get back to me on that.

Home, home on the streets....

Toronto did a homeless head count this week. The the other one....sent out volunteers with questionaires and $5 food vouchers to find out what the homeless actually need to make their life better.

How about something other than a big screen TV box to live in? Idiots!....geesh!

No swans here

A list of the world's unsexiest men was released this week. Among the high rankers. MLB pitching ace Randy Johnson, Gilbert Gottfried, Mr. child molester himself, M.J., and Osama bin Laden.

The others I can see, but Osama? Come on! He reeks of sexiness.

Osama wash that beard!

Gas attendants have nothing on the plate

The first thing you know Old Akmed’s a billionaire....
As you know oil has sky-rocketed leading to higher gas prices and drivers doing the "gas and dash." They’ve even been removing their licence plates before filling up at the pumps.

I find it confounding, people will steal $40-$80 in gasoline yet think nothing of paying $150 for running shoes that cost $5 to make.

Everybody out of the pool

The Queen turned 80 yesterday. Why won’t she die?

Between her and Hefner, who also turned 80 earlier this month, I’m losing a lot of dough in the death pool. Time to put my money on a Kennedy or Bob Denver.....what? Bob's dead already....God damn it! Sorry about that little buddy.

A little girl stole my SUV

A court invoked the age old law of "finders keepers" this week, as a little girl was allowed to keep the SUV she won in the Tim Horton's "roll up the rim" contest, after finding the discarded cup in the waste basket at her school.

Despite claims by a school janitor who contested he bought the coffee in the first place, and a friend of the girl seeking 50% of the value for helping her roll up the rim, the judge awarded the prize to the finder.

Just make sure you remove the plates before you gas up.

It’s official Julia Roberts sucks

Julia Roberts foray into theater was not so well received, as critics panned her performance in "Three Days of Rain," as lacking luster and personality. Seems pretty woman was pretty dull.

Anyone know whether Julia ate Tomkittens placenta? Someone get back to me on that.

The science of the perfect butt

Another study, and apparently Jennifer Lopez’s junked up trunk is tops with those surveyed in the search for the perfect derriere. The calculations were also based on firmness, roundness, and overall appearance.

Who does these studies? What do they use to calculate, those NHL referee rulers that measure illegal curves on hockey sticks? Where do I go to get a job like this?

So much for getting loaded

Air Canada says it will cut out carrying glass wine bottles on their flights for the lighter tetra packs of vino.

The move will save AC a whopping....wait for it....$150 per year, per that’s some serious could buy some new running shoes.

I have a better idea why don’t you have all your flyers take laxatives pre-flight to empty their bowels. Think of the weight differential in first class alone. We’re talking hundreds of pounds of shit per flight.

Goodbye Mighty Quinn

Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Quinn was fired this week. Yet, John Ferguson Jr. responsible for the same record as Quinn, remains.

Personally, Richard Peddie and Larry Tanenbaum are the real liabilities that have to be removed if this team is to move forward.

As for Ferguson....he’s a great hockey GM...just look at the wonderful job he’s done when he was with the now last place St. Louis Blues.

The only way Sundin is going to get his name on the cup is with another team.

Don’t just beat your meat put it on a bun

Meat as a condiment? Yup! Not bad enough you already have two all beef patties, let’s add a slab of steak on top.

That’s just what some fast food establishments are contemplating. The "big heart attack burger" would be a good name for it.

Why can’t they just fill it with caramel like Tim Horton’s is doing with everything?

Life’s a beach

The little borough of Toronto known as "The Beaches," will now be just "The Beach," as local residents voted 58% to change the name.

Ok...yes there is a beach there, so the name fits....but I feel it still doesn’t represent the truly diverse and beautiful aspects of the area.

I suggest before they have the street signs printed up they reconsider other names like. "The Dirty Syringe." "The Dead Hooker," or how about "Fecal Floater Point"?

New album out this week Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"

But I recommend.........

A remarkable second effort, this album is even better than their first, "It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye....or Both," that just went "tin" in the deep south. Now touring with The Blind Boys of Alabama this group is destined for big things and it all starts with "Our Hearts Keep Singing."

Sunday, April 16, 2006

All Jesus Easter Sunday

To some Jesus was just a guy. To others, an excuse to vibrate and speak in tongues. To me Jesus is much more. He's an endless river of mirth and parody meant to make me smile. I'm not a guy who will sit through "The Passion of the Christ," but tell me you've rented, "The Jesus Chainsaw Masacre," "Fear and Loathing in Jerusalem," or "Dude, where's my cross," and I'll bring the beer.

With that in mind I present to you the All Jesus Easter Sunday which I guess, I gave you a taste of yesterday, when I posted the swearing Jesus.

Today we have:

If you can't trust the son of God who can you trust?

Checking out Jesus

Go deep Jesus!

Mr. Dressup

Happy Easter.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Under the B

A man was mugged in Mitchieville for $1000.00 in bingo winnings by four angry women who’d been waiting on single numbers in a jackpot game. Now, GIGC likes to go play bingo on occasion and went the same night as this offense.

I became concerned, fearing she was somehow involved in this violent outburst, until I discovered the posse of would-be vigilantes were all under five feet and not one registered under 200 lbs before they made off with their ill-gotten booty, albeit very slowly.

Unfortunately for the victim, he died of a heart attack soon after the beating, collapsing in the bingo hall after being repeatedly dabbed under the eye.

Booze garden

I've been hearing, if you want your daffodils to last longer, pour alcohol on them. It strengthens the roots and adds a vibrancy to the flower. Needless to say the daffodils in our garden are all dead, but I'm shitfaced most of the time, so all is right in the world.

Hold the reindeer sausage will ya pal

So you’re in the remote parts of Alaska, and you get a craving for pizza. Until now you could just forget it. But apparently, the pizza guy will fly your choice of pie in to your location for a $60 delivery charge.

"Turn left at the walrus....second igloo on the right."

Towing the line

This week in the sleepy burbs near London Ontario. Police discovered the biker massacre of eight men, (three of whom were tow truck drivers). This has called into question the whole towing industry. Some now say the towing business is rampant with bikers moving weed and cocaine in the trunks of towed vehicles to waiting customers. After all, how many tow trucks have you seen pulled over by police?

I have a funny feeling I'm going to have engine trouble soon.

Money changes everything

Scientists have discovered the brain reacts in different ways when the loss of money is involved. Probably why people blow their temporal lobes out when they lose it all.

Personally I’m still waiting for the study on what the brain does when you take a really good dump.

Datin' season

Spring is here and love is in the air. The best advice from many columnists to those seeking contact with the opposite sex is, to take the initiative and start a conversation by smiling or saying, "Hi".

I find the Mayor has some interesting suggestions....or....

If I may add my two cents to those of you who are too shy to continue a conversation from there.....

I find that the line, "I’m verbally challenged, but orally gifted, Let’s fuck," gets straight to the point and you won't waist too much time on the wrong person.

Poppa needs a brand new pair of diapers

For the second time within a week an unattended child has been found in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino while the parent was inside gambling.

That’s disgusting. I'm appaled!

What happened to the good old days when your parents would just leave you in the car at the bar while they were inside getting plastered?

I may be poor, but I look spectacular

It was said this week, women will spend $400,000.00 on beauty aids over their life time.

Je-sus! $400.000.00!

Do you know how much porn I could get with that? I could open my own adult video, "Cuming soon?"

No wonder those bingo women murdered that poor guy?

I mean Christ, you could get 1,567 tow truck deliveries......or pay for 2,621 dates with the opposite sex. Fuck! That's 5652 Alaskan pizzas with extra seal blubber or....or 10,000 baby sitters.....ok 1,000 baby sitters and use the rest to gamble with.

I think my fuckin’ brain just popped a vessel....damn, I need a drink.

Best Easter ever

Go here.

Very bunny

Who said I didn't take the fun side of Easter seriously? Thanks Bob Noxious.

Jesus is back, and he's pissed-off

Who said I didn't subscribe to the spiritual side of Easter?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

A week starting off with a bang

First thing this week, a man blew himself up, in the washroom of a local Tim Horton’s. Police say it was, "a suicide attempt."

Attempt? Attempt!? The poor bugger’s dead. I think he was successful. However, I have a different take on the incident. I think the guy just had to take a serious dump and shouldn’t have followed the advice of a fellow patron who said, "Hey buddy! Light a match!"

Bladder up!

Seems scientists have grown a human organ in a lab. This is great news for those who will need transplants at some point in their life.

The new organ? No....not a lung. Nope....not a pancreas. Jesus not even the lowly spleen.

It was a bladder. A bladder I tells ya!

Granted there are some nights when I’m out on a good piss-up where an extra bladder might come in handy, but shouldn’t they be spending time on growing a human heart instead of bladder control?

What’s next? A bigger vagina?....geesh...that’s all I need.

Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be Bahamians

It appears the Bahamas have banned three time Oscar winner, "Brokeback Mountain," from being viewed in public theaters there.

That’s just so gay. What, don’t they like sheep? Do they think that seeing this film will cause a sudden increase in homosexuality?

Perhaps we should respect their decision? After all, the Bahamas already have two of the three main ingredients for copulation between men....sun and sand......Oh the third? Another man’s cock up your ass.

Needs more cowbell

For those of you who haven’t seen the famous SNL skit, check it out. However, I’m not sure the music world is ready for, "Maximum Cowbell"?

It's a new compilation of all your cowbell driven classics. "Don’t Fear the Reaper," "Mississippi Queen," "Low Rider," to name a few, all appear on the disc. I heard the Bahamas have already banned this watch out.

Keeping it on the down-load

The gracious movie industry is now offering, "legal" internet downloads of newly released DVDs. But, you will only be able to watch the film on your computer. Burning is a big no-no.

The price? Somewhere between $20-$30. Hmmmmm.....let’s see.....
$30 download.....
free download....
$30 download....
free that’s a tough decision!

Ab duel?

On the serious side of things, Paula Abdul claims she was assaulted by a man, yet to be named, who argued with her, grabbed her by the arm, and slammed her against the wall, causing a concussion and spinal money’s on Simon Cowell, but it could be anyone.

I mean who doesn’t want to smack her upside the head right now?...serious my ass.

Let’s try that again

On the serious side of things, a Toronto couple were found guilty of second-degree murder Friday in the death of their five-year-old grandson, who basically starved to death in 2002 after being abused for much of his life.

What an incredibly heinous crime. The neglect and death of a child is no laughing matter.....unless....and I realize I may get a few comments about this....unless it involves a monkey, a roast beef sandwich and jumper cables.

It’s not just about getting your meat smoked anymore.

Montreal has a new slogan. "Come to Montreal," they say. "Where the more you kiss, the Frencher you get."

They’re trying to tell you Montreal is a French culture. Christ! More people speak English, and only English, in Montreal than the entire GTA. If you want to hear French, go to Paris. If you want to hear Mandarin, go to Vancouver......yeah I’ve got a slogan for ya.... "Come to Montreal, It’s just like New York except with more strippers."

Thar she blows

Hurricane season is upon us once again.....well not poor sods who live in coastal, hurricane ravaged areas. They say to expect at least nine storms this year, five of them severe.

If I were you, I’d start looking for another place to live right now......Hey...."Come to Montreal..."

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Time to B.B.Q.

It’s not just the weather....over the past week I’ve been inundated by many subliminal messages that have screamed out at me. "Hey Fuck Nuts! It’s time to Barbeque!"
I’d like to share some of those images with you.

Bra-vo, Bra-vo!

It’s going to take me a while to get back into the routine of not Blogging everyday...if that makes any sense? Forget this is my 500th post.....No, I said just forget it....don't send me anything for this meaningless milestone. Nope. Not even a comment....Thank you.

A few interesting bits I heard this week were.....

Victoria Secret is suing La Senza over a bra. According to VC, they claim the La Senza "Itec" bra is a blatant rip-off of their, "Ipex" model. Other than both products are four letters long , begin with "I", sound eerily familiar, and hold breasts, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean how do you tell the difference?

Hey......I have an idea about how to settle this matter out of court. I say we get a panel of judges....say myself, The Mayor, Bob Noxious and GIGC, because she really enjoys groping women.

We line up a bunch of models, 50 should be sufficient, all wearing one or the other bras. Then we try, through various touching and squeezing exercises, to guess who’s wearing what.....sorry we are no longer accepting resumes from would-be judges.

It's spring yet Leafs are still falling.

Toronto Maple Leafs coach , Pat Quinn says when the season’s over he will visit the Canadian troops in Afghanistan. I ask, with 10 games remaining and seven points out of a playoff spot, what are you still doing here Pat? The season is over. The Leafs are already dead, just like I predicted back in November.

Can you guess where I'm calling from?

Speaking of dead and buried: Apparently an increasing new trend is for people to be accompanied six feet under by their cell phones and lap tops. Just think of the long distance charges....of course someone else is going to be paying the bill.

Screening the screeners

Experts aren’t so sure that the makers of sun screen are selling products that give you the protection and longevity they preach, saying, "Sun-screen may be the modern day 'snake oil' of placebos"....Personally I have no complaints. It has always given me exceptional protection. I have never had a problem with longevity, or gotten anyone pregnant for that matter. Plus it tastes great on bread. It's everything I was told it was. What more can you ask for?

Didn't we almost have it all?

Did you know Whitney Houston is living in squaller with Bobby Brown in their mansion right now? They probably haven't even switched the clocks forward yet. That is, if they still have clocks. Might have sold 'em for crack. You never know.

First of all, I want to the fuck do you live in squaller in a mansion?

In a cardboard box? Yes.
In the back seat of a rusted out 72 Dodge? Yes.
In a condemned building? Yes.

But a mansion? I smell a publicity stunt for a potential new board game....let’s see... Whitney...with the crack the conservatory.

Idle votes

Finally there is a site you can go to, to vote for the worst American Idol singer each week.

This is an attempt to fuck up the competition and undermine the show. If you’re interested it’s here.

If you ask me, I say, don't waste you're time with Idol. Why don’t we band together, call radio stations and demand airplay for Whitney and Bobby. Do our part to generate some much needed royalties so they can buy a new couch, or if we're really lucky.....O.D.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Hippo eats dwarf

April Fools! I'm not really posting anything today, except to rehash last year's link to the top 100 Hoaxes of all time.

However, I did like the title of the guy's book that is this post's namesake and is located on the link page. Makes me wish I'd thought of it first. Shit. No wonder I'm still not published.