Saturday, September 30, 2006

How to tell it's the fall season besides the shitty new TV shows.

-Leaves are changing color and over-passes are collapsing.

-Elections are on the horizon. Just ask Belinda Stonach and Tie Domi who are already busy polling the electorate.

-It's open season for gunmen in high schools and colleges.

-George Takei has announced he will reprise his role as Sulu as long as he can grow his hair long and wear leather pants.

-And out of money, Mike Tyson has planned to return to the ring at 40. He will start a world tour of 4-round exhibition fights in an effort to reduce his debt load.

Apparently Iron Mike has squandered over 300 million during his career like he's some third world country.

What is this guy Conrad Black all of a sudden?

Road to oblivion

With a mayoral election heating up, what to do with Toronto's antiquated Gardiner expressway seems to be the main bone of contention. A report released this week offered a few alternatives. Fix it, tear it down, or build a tunnel.

Wow! it cost them how much of the tax payers money to get these answers? A million plus?

Money well spent ladies and gentlemen. Money....well....spent!

Anyone want to join me in a slow clap?

Personally I like the tunnel idea because I've already seen the artist rendition. Although, I'm not sure what side the CN Tower will be on.

As long as the lanes go both ways it has my vote. Who wouldn't like to see a little DP from the DVP?

If you hadn't died I would have killed you

A man who co-wrote the song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini was wrongly reported as dead after the death of a man who claimed authorship.

The widow of Paul Van Valkenburgh, of Ormond Beach, Florida, said he claimed to have written the song as Paul Vance.

Rose Leroux said she had had no reason to doubt her late husband's claim to fame and was "devastated" by the news of his lie.

Shush! GIGC still believes I invented the speculum.

Who's your daddy?

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K. Stern has revealed he is the father of her baby daughter. However, former boyfriend Larry Birkhead has also claimed his boys can swim and he's the real father.

Jesus, no wonder her son Daniel O.D.'d.

A cysting astronauts

French surgeons have performed the first operation on a person in weightless conditions. In the 10-minute procedure this week, four doctors cut out a cyst from a patient's arm aboard a free-falling aircraft.

The surgery was performed during a parabolic flight - 25 rollercoaster-like manoeuvres inside a converted Airbus A300 aircraft. Each arc recreates weightlessness for 22 seconds as the plane free-falls to the ground. The surgeons, who only operated in these 22-second windows, were held in place with harnesses and their instruments fixed by magnets inside a specially-constructed operating theatre measuring two metres by two metres.

Someone wake me when they start lancing anal boils or performing vasectomies. Now that's operating.

So much for the kosher meal

I woman gave birth on a transatlantic flight this week somewhere between London and Boston over Canadian airspace.

I wonder how she snuck that past security?

The baby was delivered by the flight crew.....

Where's a parabolic flight when you really need one?

The plane touched down in Halifax....

Where both Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead were waiting to fight over paternal rights no doubt.

What no ball-gags

Three masked men robbed a suburban Atlanta sex shop Wednesday after tying up the employees with black fur handcuffs and silver leg irons taken from the store shelves, police said.
Authorities said the men stole $230 from the cash register at the Starship Enterprise adult novelty store....

Is this where Sulu got the idea for the leather pants?

Smells like team spirit

Terrell Owens' attempted suicide turned out to be just an accidental overdose.

I knew it couldn't be true. Why would he deprive the sports world of such an asshole?

Early reports said T.O. had been depressed before trying to take his own life.

Tell me. What's he got to be depressed about?

-He doesn't know where to spend his millions?

Someone should introduce him to Mike Tyson.

-He can't find a decent place to park his Porsche?

May I suggest an overpass in Laval Quebec?

-He doesn't have enough dick for what seems to be too much pussy?

Someone get me Tie Domi on the phone damn it!

New release this week: Actually, I couldn't find any new releases.

Just as well. You only need one album for your collection anyway.

Christian Crusaders with Al Davis.

It would make a swell gift for Yom Kippur.

No! Wait!.......New release this week...... The Killers- Sam's Town

Sorry......did you already buy the other one?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

All purpose Tool

OK, I'm not stoned enough to do an adequate review of last night's show, but you can go here for some better incoherent thoughts.

However, I will say, probably the best Tool show I've seen since the 2 nights at the Warehouse, (now the Kool Haus), in T.O. several years ago.

Last night's Set list:

The Pot
46 & 2
Lost Keys / Rosetta Stoned
Wings / 10,000 Days

Saturday, September 23, 2006

A local anaesthetic

I guess I should really stop listening to local news, but there seems to be much going on in our little city. I realize most of you don't live here, so I'll try be brief.

Cash for trash you ass: Nobody rides for free

So Toronto has finally solved it’s trash problem by purchasing a landfill in St. Thomas outside of London.

Mayoral hopeful, councillor Jane Pittfield, even put her stamp of approval on the deal, which reportedly will cost tax payers upwards to 50 million.

Later however, Pittfield declared she’d been in a rush and accidently voted in favor of the agreement.

Who would want someone like that for Mayor honestly?

What a lot of you don’t know is, she ran against our beloved Mayor of Mitchieville years ago but accidently fell on his penis and ruined her campaign.


Rocket around the clock?

The TTC is proposing keeping the subway open 24/7 just like in N.Y......

Great, now we can also get the homeless off the street.

Booze cruisers

Several local police officers were caught on video, behind a furniture store, drinking alcohol they’d confiscated from minors.

I wonder if Jane Pittfield was accidently there?

Who thought escorts were so expensive?

When a passenger got into a heated argument with flight attendants on board an Air Canada flight preparing to take off from London to Toronto, he was escorted off the plane and had to find another way home. But that wasn't the end of it.

A week later, the airline sent buddy a bill for $1,350 for causing the flight to be delayed by 27 minutes. Air Canada defended its action saying delays are expensive and passengers who intentionally cause a flight to be late should expect similar treatment.

Do you hear that terrorists? Just think about that the next time you want to disrupt air travel.
Seconds anyone?

Many Canadian fans of "Grey's Anatomy" were puzzled by plot gaps and apparent inconsistencies Thursday night when CTV inadvertently aired the second episode of the season rather than the hotly anticipated premiere.

While the network blamed the mistake on a "satellite feed error," it was little consolation for viewers who had waited an entire summer to learn the fate of the libidinous interns at Seattle Grace Hospital not to mention Dr. McDreamy.

That will teach ya for watchin' "chick TV" instead of C.S.I.

Summer falls

Welcome to the first day of fall. To make the slow death of another year more enjoyable; did you know, you can bet on which new TV show will be the first one cancelled?

Is "My mother the car" still on?

"Men in trees" is the eary favorite.

However, if you had "Grey's Anatomy" as first show to fuck up you'd be raking in the dough right now.

Oh Popeye

Ok, I didn't mention this last week because I figured everyone already knew. But people are still falling over, being sick, and shitting green. And no, It's not St. Patrick’s day already?

Jesus! Just don’t eat frickin spinach.

Coup coup ka-choo

This week saw a military coup in Thailand. The Thai military surrounded the prime minister's office with tanks and seized control of TV stations declaring a provisional authority pledging loyalty to the king.

Yeah, but I'll bet they still got the first episode of Grey's Anatomy.

S’cuse me while I kiss this guy

Guitar legend Jimmy Hendrix died 36 years ago this week. Here is what he'd look like if he were still alive today.

No sex please. We're British

A survey by private health care organization Bupa in England, has found 39% of people were prepared to give up sex in order to live to a ripe old age of 100.

Wow! Seems giving up sex is what would kill me in the first place.

Women would be the ones most prepared to pass up passion at 48% in a bid to prolong life.

I think GIGC may have already taken the vow of celibacy.

While 24% of those polled would be ready to sacrifice eating and drinking whatever they wanted.

Well, spinach at least.

And 58% would give up travelling to ensure they lived to 100.

Count me in. Especially with what Air Canada is fining their passengers these days.

New Release this week: Scissor Sisters- Ta-Dah

But I recommend: Liebe Mutter- Heino

You know what? Maybe I will give up sex after all.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

9/11's in the house

On a week where we remember 9/11 five years later, I’m sure you don’t need to hear anymore about it. So, I'm going to talk about a lot of other shit.

Do wah Diddy, Diddy don’t and Diddy do

There I was just a walking down the street I heard, "hey there Diddy change your name in the U.K."

Use Combs, or use P, you can even use Fuckin’ D....

Nope...I thought I'd sing all the posts this week, but fuck it. Go here if you want the Diddy poop.

Ugh! That sounds disgusting!

Toronto....the new Vegas?

....for gays who want to get married anyway. Gay couples are flocking to the Big Smoke in record numbers just to get hitched.

Although, makes me wonder how much they're playing the slots afterward.

Tossing a wrench into the universe

Steve McLean became only the second Canadian to walk in space. McLean is part of the shuttle mission now in orbit. But while helping to assemble the proposed space station, McLean had a few bolts float away on him and ended up breaking a wrench in the process.

All I want to know is, why do Canadians seem to have trouble keeping track of their nuts?


Kendall County furniture store owner and ''huge Bears fan'' Randy Gonigam got tired of players bragging about their defense, so he decided to put his money where their mouths are. Over Labor Day weekend, Gonigam's World Furniture Mall in Plano offered customers free furniture — up to $10,000 — if the Bears shut out the Green Bay Packers in their season opener.

Four quarters, 206 customers and about $300,000 later, Gonigam is still a little shell-shocked.

The Bears blanked the Packers 26-0 Sunday, ending Green Bay's 233-game scoring streak and giving Brett Favre the first shutout of his 16-year NFL career.

My advice next promotion go with a safer bet. The Black Hawks will defeat the Maple Leafs in the Stanley Cup final.

65.7 million dollar man

Speaking of hockey. What the hell were the Islanders thinking, when they offered goaltender Rick DiPietro 65.7 million over 15 years?

In fifteen years most people will own 2.3 cars,marry 2.8 times, and change jobs 3.7 times.

Not Rick. He’ll have the same job for fifteen years, as many cars as he wants, and if some bitch takes half his money, he’ll still have enough for all the trim his goalie stick ever needs.

Pot luck

A man was walking his dog in Scarborough.....

No he wasn’t shot....

No he wasn’t accosted by hookers....

No neither was the dog.....

Would you let me tell the story for Christ sake!

He stumbled across fields of pot being grown in a wooded area.

The weed was close to reaching harvest potential and had a street value of 6 million....which is almost 11 DiPietros......

Fuck! Now what am I going to smoke.

You know what? All this shit is just not controversial enough. It’s 9/11 week God damn it!
I have to get with the program.

Bigger than Jesus- That's more like it

When voters in Gerard Kennedy's old Parkdale-High Park riding headed to the polls this Thursday, they were forced to think about more than just taxes, garbage, transit, crime and the usual local issues.

It all stems from a sermon delivered last year by N.D.P. candidate Cheri DiNovo. In her speech, the United Church minister apparently compared the media's treatment of Homolka to the persecution of Jesus Christ.

Homolka = Jesus? What a load of shit. What was she thinking making a statement like that? It should be Homolka is God....

I think I’m turning into the Dunken Stepfather.

People will be buying my books soon just to burn them. Let the royalties roll in.

Dawson's freak

The shooting rampage at Dawson’s College in Montreal has been dominating the headlines since it happened with the dissection of how and why.

How the killer was in to Vampirism and heavy metal, listening to Cannibal Corpse and Slayer! etal.

How he hated the Government and Authority.

Who dosen’t?

How he hated bible thumping know-it-alls and God.

He must of really hated Karla Homolka then?

How his favorite video game was "Super Columbine Massacre."

What was wrong with the "Regular Columbine Massacre" game? I can’t even get past level one.

Once again, my books are available for purchase to be burned.

OK, I'll admit the subject matter is getting a little too heavy......something lighter perhaps?

So long Hap-penis

A woman in Montreal is in court this week....

Montreal hmm. do we see a pattern being established here?......

Apparently , distraught over a break-up, she set her former lover’s genitals on fire with fondue oil and caused third degree burns to his weenie.....

I guess when I said "something lighter", I should have specified "cigarette lighter".

Fondue oil? Aren’t you suppose to dip cheese in that? Oh wait a minute. Dick....cheese. I get it now......Next!

Pedal pusher

Car manufacturers are developing a smart pedal that reads GPS and will automatically slow to listed speed limits once you enter those areas.

Great so bad drivers can now die at a slower pace.

However, there is an override button.

Then what’s the point? That’s like sticking a pack of cigarettes in front of someone being forced to quit, but leaving him a match just in case.

Besides, everyone knows: cars don’t kill people, gun toting Vampire Freaks do.

New Release this week: DJ Shadow- Outlaw

But I recommend: Dethkorps- Metal Tit

Warning: May cause unexpected urge to kill students, Karla Homolka, or set genitals on fire.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

My wife's hole is so big.......

How big is it?

It's so big.....A garbage truck fell into it...Actually a garbage truck did fall into a sink hole in a back alley in Toronto yesterday. Not that I care, or would even comment on it, but I’ve been waiting to use the title tag line for ages.

Allen eclipses Moon

On the eve of the NFL’s new season, I just thought I should let all you Americans know, Toronto Argonaut quarterback Damon Allen is now pro football's pass record holder. He surpassed Hall of Fame great Warren Moon this week.

However, Allen, unlike Moon who also once played in the CFL, has never played in the NFL. So, chances are you never heard of him. Nor would have, had I not just mentioned it.

Freezing his assets off

A U.S. court has ordered Conrad and Lady Black's assets frozen until the outcome of his impending trial giving them only an allowance of $50,000 a month......wait a fuckin’ minute.....fifty large a about spliting a nickle six ways.....who could live off of that?

Now with Conrad out of the equation and Ken Thompson pushing up daisys, who will be the next billionaire voted off the Island.....

Probably not Ted Rogers who has just teamed up with MLSE to bring the NFL north of the 49th. Buffalo, New Orleans, San Francisco?

Hmm....Toronto North of the 49ers?

I have to stop talking about this shit. People will think I'm turning into Dust My Broom.

A Drunk-in Paris

Yeah, Paris Hilton was charged with DUI this now everyone knows.....what you don’t know, was how the officer came to this conclusion.

Because after he gave Paris the breathalyzer his dick still smelled of!

Now that's more like it!


So they can charge you more money and make you work longer hours, that's why.

Toronto became the first city in North America to implement WiFi. Wireless internet in the downtown core. The service will be free until next march.

So for now, just work the longer hours ok?

And they’re off! Very slowly

An experiment was implemented this week. Which is the worst place to drive into the city from on a daily basis? East from Whitby? West from Burlington? North from New Market.

The teams started from equal 60km distances outside the GTA and had to drive to a destination at Dundas Square in the downtown core.

The loser at 1:37:00 was the North.

However, what many don’t know, there was a fourth team from Mitchieville which departed from the south off a barge in Lake Ontario and have yet to arrive. It has now been 4 days and that's traffic.

We’ll miss you Fenris.

Cereal Killer Qu'est Que C'est

Cerealicious is a new fast food place catering to the breakfast crowd in the Bay St. district........yeah, that's uh......really interesting.....

What can I say? It was a slow news week. wife's hole is so big......

Cum see the stars

The 31st edition of the Toronto International Film Fest or TIFF, kicked off this week with star hunters camping outside by the Four Seasons hotel in hopes of catching a glimpse of their fave celebs.

Here’s a tip for you people. You want to shake hands with Jude Law, get punched by Russell Crowe, or coo over Brad Pitt, you need to go to the Brass Rail.

For those of you who don’t know it’s a popular strip club close to Yorkville accommodations for the stars.

Why, this week I’ve already spotted Heath Ledger in perverts row, Sir Anthony Hopkins ordering wings from the enchanted grotto and J. Lo in the V.I.P. lounge smoking the biggest Cuban stogie I've ever least I hope it was a cigar.

For all your daily juice on the TIFF go to Mitch and Famous

They have to post something now.

New release this week: Best of R.E.M.

but I recommend: David Ingles- Satan has been Paralyzed.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Old MacDonald gets his house

Ok I've been following this guy for sometime now. He started out with one red paper-clip in hopes of trading up to get a house. Well it finally happened. Go here to check it out. It's really quite funny and amazing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have one shitty piece of toilet paper I'm going to try to trade until I get a red paper-clip.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

To boldly go....again

Star Trek 11 anyone?

First of all, anyone who watches these movies knows, the odd numbered movies always suck ass. But hold on, let’s give this one a shot.

Ok the premiss: Pre-dates the other movies by offering us a young James T. Kirk, a Spock who hasn’t yet gone all, seven years, crazy, and tried to hump McCoy in the left nostril. And the rest of the cast etal.

There's probably even a young Green Bitch....oh and that lizard dude must be something akin to a salamander.....opps sorry to interrupt.

The movie is slated for release in 2008.

Great, now we have lots of time to prepare for it to bite the bag.

Producer J.J. Abrums, screenplay by Alex Kurtzman, Matt Damon rumoured to play Young Kirk......

Woh-ho-ho! Wait a God-dang-diddlie-minute. Matt Damon? Are you fuckin’ nuts and pissin’ crazy? Whats next "The Bourne Ultimatum"? "Oceans 13"?

And who plays Spock? David Swimmer?....No, no ...I get it. It’s a comedy. Whew! Had me worried there.

Personally my pics would be Kevin James, (King of Queens), as Kirk, and Andy Dick as Spock but that’s just me.

Now that's some dog-gone drivin'

A woman crashed her car into another motorist after she let her dog take the wheel of her vehicle while she operated the pedals.

Hey guys. I think we just found someone to play Uhura. But it would have been funnier if he'd hit a fire hydrant, don’t ya think?

Aren’t dogs supposed to be smart animals......I mean my cat drives all the time and has never had an accident. But then again my cat has his driver's licence.


More teens are becoming addicted to smoking because several of the major brands have upped their nicotine content by 10%.

This little gem was uncovered in Massachusetts which is one of the only states who demands Cigarette companies submit frequent detailed information on their product....

Stupid kids....think they’re invincible. They need something to scare them into quitting or better yet, not starting.......Hey Kids! Smoking will make you look like Keith Richards! (picture taken when he was 19)

Speaking of....

Keith Richards could lose a couple of pounds

Mean while the biggest teen of them all, Keith Richards, was caught smoking in a designated non-smoking area in Glasgow, Scotland this week. The penalty for his non-compliance could be as high as $98.

OMG how will he ever afford that. See kids. Don't smoke!

Forget about smoking a camel

Camel milk baby that’s the rage. In fact in the Middle East they can’t keep it in stock. Apparently, some old coot said, although he’s in his nineties he still gets massive erections and he owes it all to drinking camel milk.....

Some people will believe anything....Hey Momar! Eating pig testicles will make you cum like Peter North!

Unmarked Karr

No doubt you’ve heard that murder charges have been dropped against John Mark Karr because his DNA didn’t match what was found on the body of Jon Benet Ramsey.

He knew the DNA wouldn’t match, so why did he confess?

Because he's a freakin’ genius that’s why.

Look, he got an all expenses paid, first-class trip back to the states drinking champagne and eating butterfly shrimp and truffles. He’s got all this media attention which will surely spark interest in his book on child killers that no one would have read. Now sick fucks and rubber neckers alike, will march out to get his mess of literary coitus. And if he's not convicted of child porn charges in California, he'll have a ticket to every talk show lining up like acolytes to ask him his life story. Not to mention a movie of the week where he's portrayed by David Schwimmer.....
Yes, life is good for Mr. Karr.

In fact.....

Once I’m finished blogging I’m going to start searching to see if there are any unsolved murders in Hawaii, Australia and Amsterdam that I can confess to.

Note: My books will available on demand once I return.

New release this week: Audioslave- Revelations

But I recommend:
Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts.

Perhaps there's more to this dog driving accident then we know?