Mission accomplished
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl, which by now, everyone in the galaxy knows except for GIGC who said, "What Katie Holmes was pregnant....no way!"
They named her "Suri" which is supposed to mean "Princess" in Hebrew. Now, this is news to the Jews, because that’s not what it means according to them. However, don’t be distressed there are other cultures to cover the meaning of "Suri." In Japan, "suri" means "pick-pocket." In India it means "needle nose". In the depths of the Congo it means "one who eats placentas."
Hey there’s even a type of alpaca called a suri if the first three don’t appeal to you.
Brooke shields also gave birth the same day, in the same hospital, in the same....who gives a fuck.
BTW....Did Tom ever eat the placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
Home, home on the streets....
Toronto did a homeless head count this week. The Mayor....no the other one....sent out volunteers with questionaires and $5 food vouchers to find out what the homeless actually need to make their life better.
How about something other than a big screen TV box to live in? Idiots!....geesh!
No swans here
A list of the world's unsexiest men was released this week. Among the high rankers. MLB pitching ace Randy Johnson, Gilbert Gottfried, Mr. child molester himself, M.J., and Osama bin Laden.
The others I can see, but Osama? Come on! He reeks of sexiness.
Osama wash that beard!
Gas attendants have nothing on the plate
The first thing you know Old Akmed’s a billionaire....
As you know oil has sky-rocketed leading to higher gas prices and drivers doing the "gas and dash." They’ve even been removing their licence plates before filling up at the pumps.
I find it confounding, people will steal $40-$80 in gasoline yet think nothing of paying $150 for running shoes that cost $5 to make.
Everybody out of the pool
The Queen turned 80 yesterday. Why won’t she die?
Between her and Hefner, who also turned 80 earlier this month, I’m losing a lot of dough in the death pool. Time to put my money on a Kennedy or Bob Denver.....what? Bob's dead already....God damn it! Sorry about that little buddy.
A little girl stole my SUV
A court invoked the age old law of "finders keepers" this week, as a little girl was allowed to keep the SUV she won in the Tim Horton's "roll up the rim" contest, after finding the discarded cup in the waste basket at her school.
Despite claims by a school janitor who contested he bought the coffee in the first place, and a friend of the girl seeking 50% of the value for helping her roll up the rim, the judge awarded the prize to the finder.
Just make sure you remove the plates before you gas up.
It’s official Julia Roberts sucks
Julia Roberts foray into theater was not so well received, as critics panned her performance in "Three Days of Rain," as lacking luster and personality. Seems pretty woman was pretty dull.
Anyone know whether Julia ate Tomkittens placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
The science of the perfect butt
Another study, and apparently Jennifer Lopez’s junked up trunk is tops with those surveyed in the search for the perfect derriere. The calculations were also based on firmness, roundness, and overall appearance.
Who does these studies? What do they use to calculate, those NHL referee rulers that measure illegal curves on hockey sticks? Where do I go to get a job like this?
So much for getting loaded
Air Canada says it will cut out carrying glass wine bottles on their flights for the lighter tetra packs of vino.
The move will save AC a whopping....wait for it....$150 per year, per jet.....wow that’s some serious cash.....you could buy some new running shoes.
I have a better idea why don’t you have all your flyers take laxatives pre-flight to empty their bowels. Think of the weight differential in first class alone. We’re talking hundreds of pounds of shit per flight.
Goodbye Mighty Quinn
Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Quinn was fired this week. Yet, John Ferguson Jr. responsible for the same record as Quinn, remains.
Personally, Richard Peddie and Larry Tanenbaum are the real liabilities that have to be removed if this team is to move forward.
As for Ferguson....he’s a great hockey GM...just look at the wonderful job he’s done when he was with the now last place St. Louis Blues.
The only way Sundin is going to get his name on the cup is with another team.
Don’t just beat your meat put it on a bun
Meat as a condiment? Yup! Not bad enough you already have two all beef patties, let’s add a slab of steak on top.
That’s just what some fast food establishments are contemplating. The "big heart attack burger" would be a good name for it.
Why can’t they just fill it with caramel like Tim Horton’s is doing with everything?
Life’s a beach
The little borough of Toronto known as "The Beaches," will now be just "The Beach," as local residents voted 58% to change the name.
Ok...yes there is a beach there, so the name fits....but I feel it still doesn’t represent the truly diverse and beautiful aspects of the area.
I suggest before they have the street signs printed up they reconsider other names like. "The Dirty Syringe." "The Dead Hooker," or how about "Fecal Floater Point"?
New album out this week Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
But I recommend.........A remarkable second effort, this album is even better than their first, "It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye....or Both," that just went "tin" in the deep south. Now touring with The Blind Boys of Alabama this group is destined for big things and it all starts with "Our Hearts Keep Singing."
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