Sunday, May 28, 2006

An end to the May madness

You know what I love most about the first day back from a long weekend?

It’s all the crazy stories of idiot drivers who are pulled over in their rush north to cottage country.

The hands down winner this time has to be the truck loaded with 15 family members, none of whom had a driver’s licence.

The vehicle was pulled over in a torrential downpour for speeding where police found two of the trucks occupants operating the windshield wipers rigged up by string.

Look Ma no hands

So we understand it's not just Canadian drivers: A New Zealand man was charged for reckless driving when police pulled him over for driving with his feet, one on the steering wheel, the other to work the pedals.

They also found the poor chap was born without any arms.

Although he didn’t possess a driver’s licence either, the man complained he’d been driving for years and has never had an accident. Regardless he will be charged.

Ya know I’ve been searching for a woman like, not born without any arms......
A woman, not from New Zealand and minus a valid driver’s permit......would you let me finish!......

A woman who can drive with her feet.

In other news

The Toronto Raptors won the 1st pick in this year’s NBA draft lottery..........yeah I thought as much.

The Country Music Awards were given out this..........Yeah I thought as much.

The newest American Idol was crowned, as Taylor Hicks.......Yeah I thought as much.

God must really hate Indonesians

First , a family of 5 died from the bird flu strain H5N1 in Jakarta. Then, the area is hit hard with a massive earthquake. Indonesia.....isn't that where the Tsunami was? What a tourist hot bed!

Good thing Pitt and Jolie didn’t decide to have their baby there instead of Namibia. Probably would have squeezed out Damian son of the devil instead of their new daughter little Shiloh.

Hung like a horse

Triple Crown hopeful Barbaro suffered a career ending injury moments into the Preakness Stakes last saturday. The horse fractured his ankle and required surgery believed to be life threatening.

Any chance someone from Indonesia owns this horse?

However, as the week progressed, the stallion made a miraculous recovery and will now be put out to stud.

Jesus, if I had a debilitating ailment, or had no arms and drove with my feet, I’d probably make a significant recovery too, if I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days fucking when I wanted.

Dudleys do right

Looks like the Mounties will finally get their man as two male RCMP will wed next month.

Gives a new meaning to the title of "Mountie" doesn’t it? I was always curious about the way the pants they wear, stood out.

The event however, is being kept hush-hush, as to avoid any unpleasant comments and embarrassment for the Harper government who openly oppose the same sex marriage bill brought in by the former Liberal Government.

Meanwhile the marriage will take place in June at an undisclosed location in a Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.

How many undisclosed locations can there be in Yarmouth? Honestly.

The yolks on you

The age old question of, "What came first the chicken or the egg," was answered this week with the oval shell crowned the resounding winner.

A Geneticist, Philosopher, and Chicken Farmer all agreed, the egg had to come first.....shush! Don’t tell the Creationists.....besides God’s too busy trying to kill Indonesians to care., beer, beer, beer

Edmonton advanced to the Stanley Cup final for the first time since 1992, by defeating Anaheim 2-1 last night. They await the winner of the Buffalo, Carolina series.

However, Edmonton’s greatest fear is not who they will face for Lord Stanley's prize, but running out of beer. In fact, it almost happened during their Western Final.

As I understand it, they have nothing to worry about. The Indian guides have been dispatched and new shipments are on there way by dogsled and canoe, as we speak.

Catatonic television

A new reality show will feature homeless contestants thrust together in the same living quarters. They will have to eat from bowls on the floor and relieve themselves in litter boxes. It is believed this will be the first reality show of it’s kind....for cats.

The felines will be monitored through cameras and each week a panel of judges will give one puss the boot.

The ultimate winner gets a contract with Purina. I guess the losers end up in a Chinese restaurant.....I wonder how long the lines will be for the auditions?

New release this week: Les Claypool- Of Whales and Woe

But I recommend: The Handless Organist......

....but does she drive with her feet?

...shush! Don't tell the Creationists.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The May two-four

So, it’s the unofficial start of summer and the first long weekend of mass exodus to cottage country is here. On the hyways plugged to capacity you can see everything from beer fridges and picnic tables, to big screen televisions and queen-sized mattresses, sitting in the back of trailers. All broken down at the side of the road.....And don't get me started on the boats.

With a bang

The DaVinci Code opened this week with the swirling winds of controversy, as Catholics were warned not to see the movie. The film makers applauded all the free publicity, mainly because it kept the attention off the fact the movie sucks!

With a whimper

McCartney and Mills are splitsville after 4 years of matrimonial flatulence. With Sir Paul’s worth somewhere around the billion dollar mark, it should be quite a divorce settlement. Wonder if he gets to keep the leg?

The only problem with Mexico is all the damn Mexicans

President Bush has decided to tighten security across the Mexican border in hopes to curb the porous illegal immigration from that country. With news of the deployment of National Guards to the area, many wondered if Canada would be next.

Yeah so many Canadians with bed rolls on there heads are sneaking into North Dakota from Saskatchewan.


As disapproval for the ongoing campaign in Iraq escalates, the presidential rating continues to fall faster than Brittany Speer’s offspring. This week it reached an historical low of 33%.

George Bush’s rating has plummeted? I’m shocked and stunned.

Most of the public believe they have never witnessed a worse leader in the White House.

I don’t know about that. Have you seen 24? President Logan is pretty inept.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

Ever wonder who’s the best at dishing out the autographs with a minimum of insults and punches?

Well my friends, that would be Mr. Johnny Depp. On the flip side, Cameron Diaz will not only lecture you about the evils of collecting celeb signatures, she’ll beat you about the gonads with a prickly iron bar, while her body guards catcall in unison, "Loser!"

Big Fish in a little pond?

Over the past few weeks rumors have persisted, Miami Dolphin's suspended runningback Ricky Williams, is negotiating with the Toronto Argos.

According to Sports Illustrated all that is needed to complete the deal, is the Argos to sign a form guaranteeing they will release Williams by the end of the season.

Personally I don’t know if this is going to happen or not, but they better do something fast before Ricky finds out all the really good weed is in B.C.

I thought you didn’t wear leather?

A new study shows younger women are becoming increasingly addicted to tanning beds. So much so, it now has a medical term, "Tanorexia".

And this, all in an effort to look sexy for us slubbas.....

Really Honey you didn’t have to....the breast implants, injected lips, bikini wax, sex with your sister was all I needed.

Hide the Hoffa

Law enforcement agents are searching a farm on the outskirts of Detroit this week. New intell points to this location as the burial place for legendary Teemster's boss Jimmy Hoffa.

So far the only remains found, have been have been a partially masticated squirrel, a mummified diseased woodchuck, and the bones of a hamster in a shoe box marked "Little Willie."

998....999....1000....Ready or not here we come.....

Gator bowl

Three women have been killed in Florida over the past 10 days by alligators. However local officials feel they have captured and slaughtered the beast responsible for the rampage as the remains of one of the victims was found in the stomach contents along with....well....will ya look at that.....Jimmy Hoffa.

Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges

Iran has instituted a policy where people, of faiths other than Muslim, will be forced to wear colored badges to distinguish themselves from the true faith.

Not since Nazi Germany has there been such an extreme system constituted.

Jews will were red, Christians, white and Catholics, big funny hats. Gays have to wear pink......

Naw, just kidding........gays will be shot on sight.

Pick of the litter

NHL hockey playoffs round 3.

First, let's review my picks from last series. I believe I said if you have some serious cash to wager, bet on a Buffalo- Carolina/ Edmonton- Anaheim conference final.......look at me. I'm a frickin' genius!......We won't discuss the statement was made as a complete contradiction to my original picks.

This time I'm just going to flip a coin........(Flip)........Buffalo vs Edmonton in the final.

New this week: The Walkmen- A hundred miles off

....but I recommend..... Walking and Dreaming by Orleans

It's an oldie, but a goodie. What better way to kick off summer than with a bunch of naked guys, most with facial hair, who look happy as hell to be touching each other......I'm sold.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

This week's a wash

First, I'd like to say,"Happy baby momma's day" to all the mothers out there. Whether you're already a mother, or aspiring to be a mother, or you just hear the word "MOTHER...!" after you cut someone off while driving, this day is for you.

I had an abundance of things to post this week....nay a plethora....however.....

You see, everyday I hear little tidbits I feel, you my reader, would enjoy reading about. So I jot those notes down on a small piece of paper.

By the weekend I’m ready to transfer those notes to the computer screen and organize into a ball making up my weekly’s all very high tech.....well maybe not....

There are considerations that must be made.....what story to lead off with, congruent flow, comedic call backs . Contrary to popular belief, it’s not as simple as hiding your beef syringe in some chicks sausage wallet.

Unfortunately, this week I was caught in a torrential downpour on wednesday and my little "high-tech" slip of paper became saturated. The notes melted into a pool of runny black ink. Thus, anything I heard the first part of the week was lost in a puddle of literary mud.

Being the trooper I am I will try to decipher the contents of those notes and post them verbatim anyway. So here goes...

Nibbly weegly wasshga

Argububa...grumfuscatose..simleebence (ha,ha,ha), cormadendink forbagorse latwimbleweed. Furthermore, jimstankablink, purblincabee, kuzstolenfrancenwurmern. Arrrrgh! Quaf! God damnit......If you disagree just say so.....codlightard mufumagoom.

If he only had a brain

Much concern now surrounds the health of Keith Richards who is believed to have brain damage after he fell out of a coconut tree last week. Apparently the elderly rocker has been mumbling incoherently since his tumble, (see previous blog ramble above.)

I have just one question. Has no one listened to this guy speak before he damaged his melon? The only one who could understand him before was Ozzy everything else has always been lost in translation.

The Stones have postponed the next leg of their European tour until a more accurate assessment can be made....or maybe they just don’t want to tour with Guns & Roses.


Axle and the boys are rumored to finally be releasing their "Chinese Democracy" album after ten years in the making. Whispers also swirl around the return of Slash and Izzy to the fold.
Guys! It's been over since "The Spaghetti Incident". Move on royalties.....pleeeeease!

You can pick your nose, now you can also pick your teeth

Every wonder why the British have such rotten teeth? A survey released this week stated the Brits admitted to removing food from their teeth with sharp items such as needles, pens, knives, and screwdrivers.

Is there no such thing as dental floss in the UK?.....hmmm Phillips or Robertson?

I need some alone time with myself.

Scientists believe men have a gene dating back to our primitive ancestors making us crave alone time, either by ourselves, (basements, garages, toilets), or with other men, (strip-clubs, poker games, prison.) Funny, they didn't mention the womb. I know I spend a fair bit of my time trying to get back in there.

Painted into a corner

Several would-be vigilantes from Virginia were arrested while on a trip to New York. It seems the youthful rapscallions thought it would be funny to drop full paint cans, ( Rose Periwinkle: Benjamin Moore Classic Collection), from their hotel room window onto the roofs of police cars below.

Too bad the hotel was located directly next to a precinct.

I’ve often wondered if I would fit in, living in a place like I know. I’d be right at home.

New release this week: Hoobastank- Every man for himself

But I recommend: Zip Zap Rap by Devastatin Dave the Turntable Slave.....with a name like that, what more do you need?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Countdown to Armageddon


For all those pregnant women out there, I’d like to say, better hurry and push em out. June 6th of 06 is only a month away and you don’t want to give birth to the spawn of Satan....or do you?

Bun in the oven

Speaking of preggers, Anna Nicole Smith has joined the ranks with Brittany Speers, by falling onto someone's penis. She's obviously too stupid to do it any other way. She is now rumoured to be in a family way. If that's not bad enough a 63 year old woman in the UK is slated to give birth in the coming months as well.

All I have to say is, someone has to stop K-Fed before he procreates the world.....He must be stopped damn it!

Shaken but not stirred

There was a 2.7 magnitude earthquake in Oakville this week, located on the westside of Toronto and not too far from Mitchieville. I’ll admit as far as tremors go 2.7 is fairly low. The people in California, I can hear you yawning from here.

Surprisingly, as Canadians we also showed little fanfare over the incident. Apparently no beer bottles were broken so it’s all good.

Rabbit season...rabbit season

Ah....the spring is in the air with the smell of new mown grass, the tops are down on sports cars and some women, and hunting season has begun. In Toronto this means it's open season on cab drivers as this week several assaults and stabbings took place. There was even a police officer shot and killed in Windsor by two punks who thought he was a cabbie.

Very Lucky

An accountant....ok, former accountant, in Quebec became the richest single winner in Canadian lottery history by pocketing 30 million in last week’s Super 7 draw. The record could fall this week with a new jackpot of 35 million.

But you have as much a chance of winning as you have of catching an STD from a cat, or getting struck by lightning while reciting Robbie Burns’ "Address to the Haggis" covered in the sun-baked reek of mud and alfalfa sprouts, or having me come to your house and defecate on your shoes.....actually there’s a really good chance of that last one. Just let me know where you live.

Very Unlucky or perhaps luckier

Earlier this week a piece of an airplane wing fell from the sky and demolished an SUV in a Mississauga parking lot. It happened moments after the woman driving it, parked and got out.

Maybe she should buy a ticket in the next lottery?

The chances of this happening are 10, 000,000 to 1, or almost half as good as winning the 35 million Super 7, or having me defecate on your shoes.....honestly, just tell me where you live.

Very stupid

While on vacation in Fiji, Keith Richards fell out of coconut tree and suffered a slight concussion. After his release from hospital that same day he crashed a jet-ski.

What is with kids today?....Sounds like someone’s trying to get back on the leader board in the death pool.

Just Bring it

This was the cry heard in the city of Detroit before the NHL playoffs got under way. Note: To the Red Wing fans and their team which finished first overall and won the President's Trophy for doing so...... it’s been brought.

Oh my God the president has been impeached.

Actually I was looking like a frickin genius....A genius I tell ya...when I predicted Montreal to beat Carolina and the Oilers to take the Wings to seven games before bowing out. Sadly my first round ended in a flurry of mediocrity at 4-4. So far my 2nd round guesses don’t appear any brighter.

Ottawa vs Buffalo

I was at game 5 in Buffalo vs the Flyers and was impressed by the Sabres speed. However, Ottawa is a much faster and more skilled team than plodding Philadelphia and although the series will probably go 6, I don’t see Buffalo coming out victorious.

New Jersey vs Carolina

I’m not just saying this because I’m a Habs fan but, I can’t see any team beating the eventual Stanley Cup champs. The Devils are too hot, with the most experienced playoff goalie. Cam Ward just doesn’t rate that high after serving most of the season on the bench. Devils in 5

Anaheim vs Colorado

Anaheim went seven games to defeat Calgary in the 1st round and no team since the early nineties has done that and lived to see their name on the cup. Colorado is rested and Theodore has regained his form. Avalanche in 6

Edmonton vs San Jose
Should be a great series and go the distance, but the Oilers won their cup when they ousted Detroit. I just don’t see them mustering the same intensity against Joe Thornton and company
Sharks in 7

All this means is, if you have serious green, bet on a Buffalo vs Carolina / Anaheim vs Edmonton final.

New release this week: Tool-10,000 Days

But I recommend: Let me touch him by The Ministers Quartet

Yup, been a while since the release of a good pedo-audio-phile type recording. In fact, not since The Catholic Five gave us "Put the condom on the Bishop."