Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Last minute lame-ass costumes

Aside from not being able to breathe and the obvious erection I'd rather not die from erotic asphyxiation.

Perhaps I need a costume that's just a touch more on the gay side?

Hey Christmas decorations are up in some stores now anyway, why not rub it in....
And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Smells like fish.
Tastes like chicken

It's not Easter, but what the hell....

Last minute costume ideas for you and the rug rat

My Dad is so cool. Just look at the costumes he's picked out for us to wear.

Dude, I doubt you'll make it through the night looking like that.

Is no one doing Dr. Evil & Mini Me anymore?

The horror....the horror

I've been trying to think of Halloween story I could relate to you. You know, something scary with headless corpses, oozing, bloody guts and calls coming from inside the house. After much consideration I believe I have a personal story that fits the bill.

Last weekend GIGC, OBJ, Dickie Sanchez and I set out to move elderly Momma Strange from her abode by the shores of Lambton County to God's green pasture this side of the Big Smoke.

Having booked our truck- U-HAUL- three weeks earlier for a one-way run between destinations, and with the sun shining we set out in the Sanchez mobile to what we were sure would be a smooth transition for the matriarch of the family.

However, as our journey continued an ill wind with brooding clouds began to blow in from the west bringing with it something sinister and foreboding.

Unable to get a response of final confirmation two days earlier, we tried yet again via cell phone on the course of our journey. We were greeted by excruciating wait times at the U-HAUL 1-800 number and Zombie-like employees, who in some case disconnected us.

With an eerie blackness surrounding us and an angry wind howling as it whipped by, we concluded our three hour journey to Momma Strange's house only to find a recording, left at 5:20 PM, telling us our U-HAUL booking was confirmed, but we'd have to pick our truck up in Clinton- a two hour drive north of our current location.

Two hours there! Two hours back! That's four hours for you idiots at U-HAUL who can't count.

Furthermore we were told amidst our constant complaining and pleas for morality, sanity and humanity, "U-HAUL has a hard time keeping trucks in Sarnia."

You'd think after the bad press this company has endured they would make an effort to have at least one truck in close proximity. If not Sarnia, then across the river in Port Huron, London's an hour drive, Detroit, Windsor? Hell, if they new this was going to be the case they could have set us up with a truck in Toronto when we left. surely there had to be a truck to fit our needs there? But no! Clinton was the only U-HAUL dealer in the 100 or so, within the radius, that had the truck.

To make a long story short, nineteen hours and many coffees later we finally finished loading Momma Strange into her new digs.

I invite a response from U-HAUL to this blog to disclaim anything I've said here. Go on tell me my visions of your inept blundering and butchered customer relations are a figment. Just the crazed ramblings of someone hopped-up on too much caffeine...........yeah, I thought as much.

Well at least I'll have fun filling out the customer satisfaction survey they sent me.

Remember children U-HAUL means U-FUCKED.

Last minute costume ideas for the racist in your family

The Frenchman
The Caveman....Sure....I believe that's supposed to be a caveman.

Dreidel Man
Cleveland Indian Man...or Washington Redskin Man, or Alanta Brave Man, or Chicago Blackhawk Man. Take your pick.

Mr. and Mrs. Jose Marrone costumes

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Friday, October 26, 2007

New release this week

I searched high and low for the creepiest, Halloween release I could find. This is by far the winner and I actually lost sleep last night thinking about it.

Harry and Terry Live.......Yeah, I'll just bet that creepy puppet is live.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hallowed be thy ween

Remember when you were little and your parents made your Halloween costume?
It was just two different sized boxes with holes cut for your eyes, mouth and arms. It was covered in tin foil and had a wire hanger thrust into the top. You were a robot. Remember?
Man your parents were some miserly fucks who lacked creativity.

Today, who has the time to look so lame?

Never fear, for Strange has lovingly ripped-off costume ideas from other sites that will set you back a few bucks, but will have you looking just as lame. Like back in the day with Mom and Dad.

Don't look now but it's Cell Man here to take all your Halloween candy. You just have to press 0 to get an outside line. Just keep pressing the number until you get a response. GO ON.....PRESS IT!

Angry bear is a great costume. It depicts how you will feel after the ass-kicking you'll get for wearing it.

OK, I've been to the Statue of Liberty and I have to say, this is the most realistic recreation I've ever seen. I would go out and buy this costume except, I know due to its high demand, it would be sold out.

I think it's supposed to be a tadpole, but to me, it looks like a giant green sperm. I mean why else would the costume come with a towel unless you had to wipe yourself off a centerfold at sometime during the evening?

" I came for the candy, but I'll stay for the impregnation."

It's a Mr. Death or something. He's come about the reeping.

Remember Death Clock?
Remember how cool you thought it was to sit there for weeks on end watching the seconds you had left on this earth tick by one by one?
Remember how after a month of Death Clock you suddenly realized what a colossal waste of time it had been and that you better start living so you went out and robbed that liquor store?.....well...some of did.

Anyway I have a new link for you to go to. It won't take as long, but it still harbors the morbid fascination we have with dead things.

All the people who died the day you were born.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Blockbusters we didn't see

What happens when Robot Chicken meets 300? You get 1776, the almost, true story of American independence.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Search continues laddie

With a scant two weeks left before Sector begins their long journey back into the public consciousness, the search for the perfect opening act to complement the performance continues.

Today The Missing MacPhersons are pushed to the forefront for your consideration.

Missing Mac facts:

Home: North Kilt Town, Scotland

Albums: Only one- The Attack of the Blue Haggis- which featured their most commercial sound, included a cover of Z.Z. Top under the guise of "Sharp Dressed Scot". Also their signature song "Scotland the Brave" with pounding beats and rapier lyrics:
Land as big as Paul Bunyan
Home of the purple onion
Lots of beaches, lots of sunin'
Scotland the Brave!

Other songs of note: "The Muckin' of Geordie's Byre", "Gallant Forty Twa", "Lend Me Five Bob Til Tuesday" and "Donald Where's Your Troosers?"

Memorable performances: The Macs only played once live, but 18 people were hospitalized during the show due to extreme laughter.

Pros: 1) No room left in Def Leppard for them to join.
2) Girls go crazy for a man in a kilt.
3) Only two members so they don't take up a lot of stage. Hey, they could open for Saga.
4) They will play for haggis.

Cons: 1) If trend of hospitalized audience members continues, Sector will have no one to play for.
2) Kilts leave nothing to the imagination during on-stage jumps. Personally I like to think of the "Loch Ness Monster" as a myth.
3) They will play for haggis.

Friday, October 19, 2007

End of the week by the numbers

Top 10 topical Halloween costumes.

Innovative ways the next 6 Radiohead albums will be released.

The 20 best death scenes in cinematic history. Go on, you know you want to watch them.

50 idiotic thrill seeking deaths that actually happened.

5 Urban legends that happen to be true.

New release this week

This week: Heavy Petting Zoo by NOFX.

You know, it's times like this I wish I was a vegetarian.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Roll call

Time to view yet another act hoping for an opening slot at one of Sector's two upcoming performances.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Opening, a can of worms

With the New York Sector show only a few weeks away and the Toronto show Nov. 30th after that, the search for the perfect opening act continues. Sure Sector have designated good friends, Kong and Poker Face, to sandwich their return to the Big Smoke, but the need for a little something extra still remains.

That is why Private Sector are still considering adding another act to open.

Today's spotlight is on Deacon Dark.

Pros: 1) Everyone has at least seen one Love Boat episode.
2) Signature song "Smash it! Trash it! Hit it with a hammer and bash it!" is sure to be a crowd pleaser.
3) Kiss-type makeup hides the "Stach" quite nicely.

Cons: 1) Sonny Bono has been dead for a few years and U2's Bono will not agree to wear grease paint.
2) Sector would have to settle out standing Love Boat bar tab with Issac. With interest, now up to $8,472.50.
3) Pyrotechnics display would make "Stach" a fire hazard. Can you say "Great White"?

Friday, October 12, 2007

New release this week

This week I recommend: The World of Joseph Cooper.

I think this guy was a member of the Green Party who lost in his riding so buy his album.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Liberals are back in power but.....

You need to know what stupid tattoos of TV shows look like.

OK they're not all stupid.....

I take that comment back.

So what.... I'm a shameless self promoter

I guess those of you who live in Upstate New York are out of luck....but wait! You can go to the November 3rd show at Sparky's in Brewerton N.Y.

Go to the Sector myspace for detes and be a part of the Black Party.

Yet, another Summer blockbuster we didn't see

The Scarn Ultimatum

Monday, October 08, 2007

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Hockey, football, soccer? Time for a real sport.

Japanese tablecloth yanking baby. These are the true atheletes and the Japanese have way too much time on their hands.....Oh the suspense is killing me.

Friday, October 05, 2007

New release this week

This week I recommend Jo Calypso- He He Nick...whatever the fuck that means? Say isn't that one of Britany's kids?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The hockey season started last night, but....

You need to know, the Private Sector, Jackhammers gig has been cancelled. However, only after the bar and band management gave us clearance to open for prog-rockers Saga. Only after we e-mailed, phoned and sent out, "I'm the flyer", flyers to everyone in a 60 km radius. And only after we ordered a special "Saga, thank you" cake from the baker that when you scratched the surface revealed a tasty chocolate layer underneath the vanilla icing.

So what went wrong?

Were the has-beens scared to share the stage with the never-wases?

No. Apparently there's just not enough stage for both bands, or so we're hearing from the sound company who are supplying the club.

Not enough stage! R U kidding me? The biggest bar in Brantford doesn't have enough stage room?

If you wanted to wind me up, mission accomplished.

Private Sector have opened for bands where we were given so little room we were standing shoulder to shoulder, for Christ's sake!

At the Elmocambo we opened for National Velvet with 2 other bands on a stage the length of 3 small men. I had a cymbal stand in my ass the entire set.

Once opening for Goddo I had to sing on a small platform away from the band, there was that little room. People kept putting $5's in my socks thinking I was an exotic dancer.

At U.S.A. Sams in Syracuse opening for Benny Moredonuts, We had to serve tables while I performed because there was no room on the stage at all.

So don't tell me there's not enough room buddy.

With today's technological advancements, I'll sing via satellite from a car in the Jackhammer's parking lot for you to watch on your iphone.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

It's all in the numbers

Like this number....ok it's not really a number, it's a chart, but the "numbers" message is clear. I only get the lofty hits when it's Pottahawk time.

Why can't Pottahawk happen every month?

But I digress....here are some equally important numbers for your enjoyment.

The 10 greatest moments in female farting.

10 strange Japanese chewing gums.

10 great Family Guy musical numbers.

And.....10 hand gestures you better get right.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Monday, October 01, 2007