Saturday, June 24, 2006

Spring into summer

Summer officially arrived Wednesday. Hooray. With the constantly changing weather we are now privy to, fall will be here next week. Enjoy.

Swallow my pride

This week marked the kick off of Pride Week in the Big Smoke culminating with the Gay Pride Parade this Sunday. Since it’s inception, the event has grown to world class stature and is considered the best of its kind anywhere.

I just welcome the chance once a year to dust off my ass-less leather chaps and get out there to mingle.

May I be of assistance?

A study released this week says, Toronto is the third politist city in the world right behind Zurich and New York.......Wait a minute.....New York? That can’t be right?

Personally, having been to both Zurich and New York and living in Toronto, I think they’re all wrong. The most considerate city has to be Mitchieville. Do New Yorkers wipe your ass when you use a public stall? Why even the Mayor himself has been right there at the urinal to give me a helpful shake and a zip up.

You can't beat that type of civility.

Hurricane Stanley

This definitely is hurricane season, as Lord Stanley’s mug now resides in the Carolinas. That’s twice in a row a team from Alberta has lost to one south of the Mason Dixon Line in a place where ice is still more popular in a margarita. Ouch!

Montreal Madonna madness

Madonna played two sold out shows in Montreal this week. People flew in from as far away as Florida and Calgary and paid over $600 a ticket to see her perform. Not only that, they hung out in droves outside her hotel. People will do anything to catch a glimpse of celebrities. That’s idiotic.

Say......I have a potato wedge that has the profile of David Hasselhoff....I’ll take less than $600 for it. Any takers? Bueller, anyone?


Fisherman's University that is.

In an effort to make killing lobsters more humane, and alleviate the stress of the crustacean, the East Coast has instituted, "Lobster University." This is all in an effort to teach lobster fishermen there are alternatives to killing lobsters besides, spear guns, baseball bats, soup ladels, and bigger spear guns. They’ve even set up lobster condos to help relax the animal before it's boiled alive. Although the preferred method is now electric shock.

Either way, all I have to say is, get the butter.

Fountain of you

Pfizer has developed a new pill. It’s effect is meant to keep your body youthful and virile with minimal muscle loss.

Isn’t there already something like this out there?

It’s called Viagra.

Golden age of consent

The government just raised the legal age of consent to 16 from 14. It replaces a 100 year old law in hopes to stop sexual deviants from preying on young girls.

That makes sense. A 45 year old man with a 14 year old girl is just sick. A 45 year old man with a 16 year old girl is much more acceptable. Bravo! Bravo!

I just got carded

The government is also implementing other changes for our protection. Retailers will no longer be allowed to have expiration dates on gift cards.

This is not good news.

You see in the past I’ve looked like a hero to my friends. I have a guy, ( we'll call him Eduardo). Well, Eduardo supplies me with expired gift certificates. For $10 bucks I can get something in the $400.00 range. Pretty sweet deal.

I pass them along inside cards to the exuberant faces of friends and family on birthdays and Christmas with their unified chorus of, "Oh! You shouldn’t haves," and "this is too much."

Yet, I am also a loyal shoulder to cry on and a voice of disgust and anger when the store tells them the card is expired.

Now what am I going to do? Buy real gifts? I don't think so.

This little piggy broke in pieces

A new study shows, most parents have stolen from their kids piggy banks at one time or another to pay bills, or get gas money, or pay the bookie.

Women are considered twice as likely to break the bank as it were than men. Some don’t even return the money once it’s been taken.

I’m absolutely appalled. What kind of role model are you establishing. There is no excuse to do this.’re short cash for hookers and blow....and let me stress it should never be more than once a week.

New release this week: Dashboard Confessional - Dusk and Summer

but I recommend: Millie Jackson- E.S.P.- Wow! What can I say about this album.......wait a know what I'm thinking.

Death becomes us

This week the Mayor lost his father, Mayor Sr.

I am just beginning to find out what a great man he was. GIGC and I were fortunate enough to be able to offer our support to the Mayor in his time of need.

As we age we are all faced with the loss of parents. I myself lost my father last year. It makes you confront your own mortality with the knowledge, you too, will someday pass on.

This was a fervent topic of discussion last evening between myself and our friend base.

Who will be the last surviving member of a wonderful group of lunatics?

And shouldn’t there be some money up for grabs to the imminent winner?

Needless to say, the birth of the death pool saw it’s inception with everyone kicking in $20 bucks and the understanding with each subsequent death an additional $20 by the remaining mourners will be tossed into the pot.

It is with this in mind I offer up the following scenario.

The players.....Strange, GIGC, OBJ, The Mayor, The Little Dutch Girl, Babosa, Dickie Sanchez, Trebor Enots, Bob Noxious..... Pot size $180.00

February 1st, 2028.....OBJ, more affectionately known as One Ball Joe, lost his footing in the frigid morning air while he was roofing a house and fell three stories to the ground. Although the fall didn’t kill him, in fact, it fixed his ailing back, he slipped and fell when he got up and impaled his one good testicle on a near by garden gnome causing instantaneous death.

Due to inflation and the fact $20 no longer buys a loaf of bread the ante has been increased to $100.

Pot size $980.00

February 4th, 2028.....Sadly at OBJ’s wake, long time companion Babosa, recounting the time OBJ fit 5 chicken dinners into his mouth at once, tried to duplicate the feat, and chocked on a chicken bone. She could not be revived.

Pot size $1680.00

July 1st, 2032.... Bob Noxious was murdered in bed while having sex. He was stabbed repeatedly in the spine by the girl’s angry father. Apparent Bob wasn’t aware the government had again raised the age of consent from 16 to 17.

Pot size $2280.00

October 10th, 2035... Strange died from erotic asphyxiation. The details of which are best left out at this time, but he was wearing ass-less leather chaps.

Pot size $2780.00

June 22nd, 2038....The Little "old" Dutch girl was shot by a former student eight times. Once for every year she held him back. The student in question finally graduated public school at the age of 24.

Pot size $3180.00

December 19th, 2043... GIGC after fulfilling a life long desire to be with another woman, chose a partner who has never seen a razor, and subsequently choked on several errant pubic hairs.

Since a $100 no longer buys a carton of milk the ante is increased to $1000

Pot size $6180.00

August 17th, 2051....Destitute and needing money, Trebor Enots tried to scare the Mayor and Dickie Sanchez to death by jumping out of a closet in hopes of winning the pot. Unfortunately, it was a closet that locked from the outside. His body was found three weeks later.

Pot size $8180.00

November 21st, 2058..... Four years after moving into the same retirement home in the thriving metropolis of Greater Mitchieville, and after repeated attempts on each others lives, Dickie Sanchez eventually succumbed to his injuries after being pushed down a flight of stairs.

His jet propelled walker was blamed for the mishap and Pfizer was forced to payout a multibillion dollar settlement to Dickie’s only living acquaintance the Mayor.

Pot size $18,000,8180.00

November 23rd, 2058....Two days after the death of his friend Dickie Sanchez, Multi billionaire, The Mayor was mugged outside his prestigious beach resort home in Aruba by an angry mob of impoverished hooligans.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Let's hear it for big daddy

Tomorrow is dad's day. Historically dads seem to get the shaft when it comes to praise and gifts. It’s always the mothers who are periodically worshiped while the dads take a back seat.

Really, if you look at it. Women have always been the recipients of the lavish rewards. They know how to get what they want, while the male has to work , sometimes even beg, for acknowledgment.

Hell, an aroused woman could have a dozen men with erect members, ready to club her to death like a baby seal, if she wanted. It’s not fair.

But let me let you in on a little secret. As a man, as a dad, I don’t really care, (except about the sex part). I just want to be left alone to do my thing. Whether it’s watch golf, lie in my own vomit, wank to porn, or wank to porn while I lie in my own vomit, just leave me be.

Besides, there's a more important day coming up with cause for celebration. Tax freedom day this monday.

You're richer than you think

Ken Thompson died of a heart attack at 82 this week. The multi-billionaire was the wealthiest man in Canada and one of the wealtiest in the world.

As sad as this may seem, I take it as a sign of good fortune. You see, I’ve just moved up a notch in the pecking order of riches.

Woo-hoo. I’m going to enjoy the comfort of my lofty perch as Canada’s 15,857,694th wealthiest person. Common help me celebrate. Books of matches and paper clips for everyone.

South Toronto? I knew it!

With all the arrests recently of terrorists and gang members, one doesn’t feel very safe in the Big Smoke anymore.

As one U.S. congressman stated, "all the trouble seems to be emerging from South Toronto."

South Toronto? You mean like the Beach? Or perhaps he meant Toronto Island Airport or Queen's Quay the admitted hotbeds for gang violence and terrorist activity. I’m sure the people in Scarborough and Jane and Finch feel a lot better about where they live now.

The shirt off her back

That Jolie Pitt baby is at it again. Apparently little Shiloh appeared with her proud parents on the cover of some mags wearing a trendy T-shirt this week and caused near pandemonium as similar shirts flew off the retailers shelves.

Good thing she wasn’t just wearing a diaper.

Big Ben's a big mess

Ben Rothlesberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers was in a motorcycle accident this week when an elderly woman pulled out in front of him.

Any chance she’s a Seahawk fan?

Ben, who wasn’t wearing a helmet, (because it isn’t mandatory), suffered pretty much broken everything and spent several hours in surgery.

Not wearing a helmet? Too many QB sacks Ben? Good thing helmets are mandatory in the NFL.

Weighty issues

New studies inform us, beer can prevent prostate cancer.

The bad news, or good news, depending on how you look at it, is you’d have to drink at least 17 beers a day in order for it to effectively reduce your chances.

Hurrah! Dr. Jelly Finger says I don’t have prostate cancer. Shame about my liver.

Further studies show coffee drinkers have less chance of developing cirrhosis of the liver than their decaffeinated counterparts.

Alright. Now where are those 17 beers?

A report released this week confirms Trans-fats are dangerously high in some fast food items.

Who would have thought?

In fact, some places like KFC had the highest levels globally helping to cause, excessive cholesterol, heart disease, and morbid obesity.

Well as long as my prostate and liver are ok.

Wanted dead or alive....make that just dead

You are worth more dead than alive...well at least some people are. Take Elvis for instance. He made 22 million last year. Kurt Cobaine 20 million. Even Einstein, who’s been dead for 50 years, pulled in 12 million.

I tell ya, if my liver and prostate weren’t so healthy, I’d be hanging myself from the ceiling fan right now.

New release this week: Nelly Furtado - Loose (and she has ugly feet)

But I recommend: The Louvin Brothers : Satan is Real

Where were these guys last week for the 6.6.06?

And to think, when I was in the music business, I couldn't get a deal with Capitol Records.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Ole....Ole, Ole, Ole.....

Yeah I know. The World Cup started this week. Patriotic motherfuckers are crawling out from under every rock with their little flags. Flags waving for the chosen country of their forefathers from everything from car antennas to more car antennas.

But who will win?

My one friend says the Italians are a shoe-in to win it all. Not surprisingly, he’s Italian. Well meatball, in my opinion, the Italians will be up and down like a toilet seat at a stag and doe. That type of inconsistency is not the veal Parmesan of champions. Ya know what I mean you misguided acolyte?

Another friend swears it is the British who will rise to supremacy.

Surprise, surprise, his heritage hails back to jolly old England, home of the Union Jack and bad teeth.

Let me tell you, knicker boy, any nation who uses 1000's of megga watts in extra power just to put the kettle on, and make tea for the big matches, doesn’t deserve to win.

Then I’m told Brazilians will win. "Brazilians," I say. That’s too many. A million maybe, but a Brazilian? Now you’re dreaming.

Hey, I knew a girl who had a Brazilian wax once...ahh those were good times....

Anyway, I’m going to give you the finalists of the FIFA World Cup, and remember you heard it here first.

Togo vs Trinidad & Tobago. Not that Trinidad really needs Tobago to trounce the superior fire power of Togo.

My dark horse pick is Iran. Especially if they put some of that enriched uranium in their opponents shorts before game time. Remember my friend, never count out a nation who kills their athletes for not winning.

Meow remix

Correction: I would like to apologize to all the angry emails I had over the cat reality show mentioned on a previous Blog. Apparently, my bad, when I said the winner would get a contract with Purina. I was wrong. It was Meow Mix. Once again my sincerest apologies.

Kicking us in the Baghdad

Ok so we’ve had a little problem with terrorists here in the big smoke. In fact, I’m hearing there are a proliferation of Islamic extremist recruiting websites that started this whole deal.

Suddenly it seems , we are under the microscope of the world eye and finger pointing, "I told you so," Americans, who have just accelerated their plans to build the fence along the 49th

This media scrutiny has got me thinking. We need an Islamic Terrorist reality show. Kind of a Survivor meets The Amazing Race. With weekly eliminations like crawling through mine fields, or quickest suicide bombing, as they race around the globe to exotic destinations surrounded by chicks in bikinis and berkas.

Tune in next week to Survivor Islamabad. Shareef confronts Abdul about his secret alliance with Yasim and Mustafa pulls the wrong hand grenade pin at the jihad reward challenge.

"Sorry Zarqawi the 25 million goes to the guy who sold you out to the Americans."

Suffering from high score

Now there is a D-tox center for video addicts. When you start lying to people by telling them your Carpal Tunnel was caused by excessive masturbation instead of aggressive joy stick maneuvers, you need help.

Usually vices and addictions eventually lead to your wife or girlfriend leaving you. It's a wakeup call and reality check to straighten your ass up. But these guys don’t have the luxury of relationships with the opposite sex, so the rehab seems like a good idea to me.

Leap of faith

A European man decided to test his faith and put his life in God’s hands by leaping into a lion’s den in a Munich zoo. The animal, obviously an atheist, tore the man to shreds. Had the guy at least waited until the first upset at the World Cup, it would have made more sense.

Oddly enough I wrote about this exact same scenario in my second novel The Limits of Respectability, which just goes to show you, truth is as strange as Strange fiction.

Bet bet bet bet BET BET BET!

It is true you can bet on anything these days from World Cup red cards, to Super Bowl wardrobe malfunctions, to as mentioned on last week's Blog, Spelling Bees.

On a more personal note, now that wedding season is cranking up, did you know some book makers are taking wagers on how long marriages will last. You can get odds on everything from until the rice is thrown, to two months, to happily ever after.

There’s probably some serious money to be made on the last one.

Apocalypse Tuesday

In fact this week, if you wanted, you could lay a wager on 6.6.06 being the date of the apocalypse.

For a measly $100 you would have taken home a cool 10 million had the world ended in a fiery ball of ruin Tuesday. Of course collecting your winnings might of presented a problem.

New Release this week: Sonic Youth- Rather Ripped

but I recommend: Tino- Por Primera Vez

Don't laugh. There are some really good soccer anthems on this one.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Another week that was

We have much ground to cover this week my friends, so strap in.....just let me check my notes here and see what I have to tell you.......hmm.....

Duck eats alien head......too "World News"

Liz Taylor would like you to know she’s not dead..... and Richard Burton would like you to know he still

The more educated men are, the more they don’t want kids...... they also don't want pick-up trucks parked on their front

Smirnoff is coming out with new coolers targeted toward men........the more educated men I'll bet. After a few of those, you want pick-up trucks on your

Pitt Jolie's baby's name means, "new messiah".......that's just swell and I'll bet she already has a 3 picture deal

The Dollar Store will soon have stock publically traded.......will it be available for a dollar I wonder?

Don’t smoke em if ya got em

A province wide smoking ban went into effect May 31st. It prohibits lighting up in any enclosed area even if it’s a semi-covered patio. Many believe this will lead to an underground procreation of smoking rooms not unlike the speak-easys of the prohibition era, where those who wish can get together and indulge in their vices.

These private smoking establishments will only be the first, as soon the smoke-easy will be joined by the cancer-easy and finally the death-easy.

Barbie wins over Barbie

Mattel lost it’s much publicized court case against a Montreal steak house named Barbie's over a weakening of the brand.

The judge in the case sided with the restaurant sighting the two companies offered vastly different products to consumers. He stated that although you could put a Barbie on the barbie at Barbie's, you still wouldn't want to eat one........I don’t know. When I was younger, I had a G.I. Joe that ate a few Barbies.

Would you like fries with that?

A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad. No one’s sure whether it was a joke by a fast food employ, or a stunt by the woman to extort money from the establishment....not unlike our next hero from Wisconsin who’s brain storm to squeeze cash out of Taco Bell ended in misery.

He was charged for putting a dead mouse in his burrito. To make matters worse he let his girlfriend be the recipient of the delicacy. Now he’s not only in trouble with the law he’s single.

Dude did you learn nothing from the Wendy’s incident. It’s suppose to be a human

So far, big fish no catch for the boatmen

Ricky Williams played his first game as an Argo friday night against the Hamilton Ti-cats and was held to only 7 yards, which I feel is pretty good for his debut in the CFL. After all it’s just 2 short of the whole nine yards.

Pillow talk

A bar in downtown Toronto is putting out a call to all able bodied, young, moistened, delectable, delicious women, with more than ample mammalian protuberances, to join a new league.

The league will consist of teams who must pillow fight each other in front of an enthusiastic audience.....what no jello?

Fast and the furious it ain't

Surprisingly four people were not injured when they tried to drive their Toyota under a transport truck last Monday while traveling down the DVP. The driver of the truck was as stunned as anyone as the crushed vehicle somehow pulled free of the wreckage and drove off with crushed roof, smashed windshield and four flat tires.

Police found the car and it’s occupants not far away, hiding in back of a factory, and charged the driver with impaired.......I guess there's no charge for stupidity?

Wraps can make you money will pay you up to $450 a month if you are willing to have your car wrapped in an advertisement.

Sounds like a great deal...and what do I care...I won’t have to look at the coke bottle I’ll be driving.....

The one catch? You have to drive a gazzillon clicks a month.

Kind of fucks up the km’s on your lease doesn’t it? Not to mention the money they pay you will just go to the gas you need to drive around anyway......oh yeah sign me up.

Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Mohammeds

The police raided the homes of a suspected Canadian terrorist cell this week, arresting those involved.

It is believed the al-Qaeda-like operation had designs on causing havoc in the southern Ontario region, mainly with attacks on the CN Tower and the transit system.

Perhaps they even had plans to launch an attack on the subway system last Monday, but were thwarted by the TTC wildcat strike and couldn’t get a bus downtown.

Give me a $100 on the bee

Did you know you could bet on the spelling bee? It's true. Vegas gave 4-9 odds the winner would be male, 3-9 he would be a geeky mofo, and an over-under of 10.5 letters on the winning word.

The winner was 13 year-old Katharine Close who correctly spelled "ursprache."

Everyone seemed to be fuckin' nuts and pissin' crazy over this whole deal. So much so, I thought I would start the first annual Strangedaze Spelling Bee. You are all welcome to goes.

Spell for me the word, "fucoxanthin.".........Hey! You cheated!

This isn't going to work at all.

New release this week: AFI- December Underground

But I recommend: Tex Williams- Smoke, Smoke, Smoke

But you can't listen to it in an enclosed have been warned.