Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
I didn't post Sunday so I'm regurgitating two links today. The first is the standard Chuck Norris Monday fare trying to solve the age old question of who would win in a battle of bra vs bra. Come on I know you've at least thought about it.
The 2nd link is a skit from SNL to tell you everything you wanted to know about a young Chuck Norris. It doesn't get any better than that my friends unless I throw in a pound of bacon.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
The grand ball is by invitation only. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Joaquin Phoenix, Jessica Alba, Heath Ledger, Reese Witherspoon, and the chicks from Desperate Housewives will all be there.....naw just kidding, but I’ll probably get a few hits from searches over Blogging those names.
(pictured right: Reese Witherspoon prepares not to attend the Jerry Casby function.)
There’s just going to be a few famous Canadian celebs....Personally I can’t think of any. Maybe the ensemble from Corner Gas or Bruno Gerussi back from the grave? I don’t know.
However, I’m not worried about who I run into. I’m just concerned I’ll drink too much like I did last time.
I can’t afford to loose the one arm I have left. See what happened.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Last week I was talking about feet. Yet, I never got to the point concerning what I felt was an exceptional foot or tell you of the one I would steer clear from.
I decided the best way to broach this subject was to post some pics so you can see for yourself.
The first foot, although not what I’d consider the absolute perfect foot, does have most of the elements I find aesthetically pleasing.
I won't exactly be lunging for them with the hunger of a heroin addict and tapping a vein like Leif Garrett behind a Los Angeles railway station. However, I do appreciate they are well taken care of, with nice tapered toes, and a suckable quotient of 9.2. The toe-ring is a nice touch and my mind is cranking up the sexual senarios of what they could be used for.
In other words, they don't require sidecars installed in the shoes to accommodate any deformities. I definitely wouldn’t kick this feet out of bed, (no pun intended).
The second foot has too many problems. I look at these monstrosities and all I think is "Wolverine!"
Obviously unless you are exhuming bodies of the dead hookers in your backyard before the police arrive, or you want to save money on a back-ho when building the extension to the house, this foot has no practical uses in my world. Even with nails cut, the toes still hang off the end of the shoe like suicidal jumpers clinging to the ledge.
Personally I don’t see a girl going to all the trouble of sporting weapons like these and then playing Marie Antoinette, lopping them all off with an industrial jigsaw.
The only upside I can fathom, other than those already mentioned is, you have a barn you want to keep rodent free, or you have an incredibly itchy asshole.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I understand you don’t want to read, or see shit not pertaining to you in someway as you sit in your little corner of this great big ball we live on. – Hey balls don’t have corners.–
You want the juicy link, the Hollywood gossip. You want to laugh and run screaming through a field of daffodils, "I’m Alive!" and there's nothing wrong with that.
I realize January 23rd is recognized as the most depressing day on the planet. Could be you are suffering from the fallout. Afterall, the days are short. It’s relatively cold. The bills from Christmas have just arrived and you’re fuckin’ miserable.
You need some levity, not to hear about how some guy with a Teacup Poodle lost in a local riding.
So, just for you. Here you go. Hopefully it will entertain, maybe even make you laugh and bring some life to this otherwise drab time of year. You even have your choice of links.
Cat protection enhancement system
She might need glasses
He might need glasses
But tomorrow I’m going back to talking about feet.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The real tragedy of this whole debacle is not Party platforms or a change in power. The real tragedy is Independent Pedro Gonsalves who lost to incumbent Liberal Dan McTeague in Pickering Scarborough East.
Not only does Pedro have to deal with defeat, he has to contend with the rampant theft of all his "Vote for Pedro" signs. A heinous criminal act he is at a loss to explain.
Undaunted in the fact everyone he ran against receive more votes, Pedro is now setting his sites on running for Mayor of Mitchieville. However, unless his campaige involves cheep hookers and booze, I'd say his chances of success are slim and none.
Monday, January 23, 2006
This was too good not to post. Now that Bob Noxious is assistant to the Mayor, he is privy to secret dossiers. One such file containing information on Chuck Norris I present to you on Chuck Norris Monday for your enjoyment.
From the office of the Mayor. File # 27867194
31 Facts About Chuck Norris:
1. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
2.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
3.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
5.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
6.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
7.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
8.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
9.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10.Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
11.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
12.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13.Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
14.Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
15.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris .
16.As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
17.Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
18.A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
19.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
20.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
21.When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
22.Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
23.Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
24.Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
25.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
26.A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
27.Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
28.Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
29.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
30. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
31. If Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesn't get wet, The water gets Chuck Norris.
That's impressive. There’s not much time left to get in the regular link for CNM, so I’ll leave you with this pic. Penis vs Face .
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Also, long time Mayoral adversary Jerry Casby has announced that he is leaving Mitchieville to accept a seat in the Calgary legislature. Despite our differences and sometimes underhanded tactics to expose Casby’s seedier side, we also wish him well in his new endeavor.
Jesus, the stuff you hear when you're playing poker.
BTW GIGC, (the b-day girl), suggests all losers of last nights game of Hold 'em, visit the following link to brush up on their poker skills. Sorry OBJ there’s no tips on shuffling.
For all others who have no idea what the hell I’ve been talking about in this post, don’t you have something else to do anyway?
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
I’ve been writing novels for 4 ½ years and shopping for a deal for 3. Although there have been several small victories in this process, the response has always been a resounding, "No". Until now.
Let me explain.
Recently I sent a query to...oh let’s call them Agent X. Agent X was quick to respond and ask for the entire manuscript, a request I found a tad odd. Since I send out numerous queries of my work, I had to call up their website again to find out who I was dealing with.
Much to my chagrin, I found I didn’t send them my usual query, I filled out Agent X's on-line form giving them minimal information on my manuscript. With further research I uncovered, I had erroneously sent them my info in the first place, as they are listed on numerous sites as, "Book Surgeons," with strong recommendations to steer clear of their scams. In fact some of the comments I read about Agent X were so vile, I won't display them here.
So what did I do?
I emailed them my manuscript as they requested and told my girl D they would offer me representation.
Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when a mere 10 days later, they did indeed offer me representation and seemed to be in a hell of a hurry to send the contracts. They also wanted me to, "polish," my, "impressive," work with an, "independent editor".
When I was done laughing, I sent them a reply indicating I already had an editor working on my novel but if they still felt it needed further review I was open to suggestions. After all, I’m itchy to get a book deal. I also asked for a list of their recent sales in my genre. I wonder how they'll deal with that?
I have to admit, it is nice being on this side of the fence for a change, knowing I’m going to blow them off. I just wonder how long I can string them along and make them salivate for the cash before I tell them they're not the agent for me?
Hey, If I wanted to through money away, I'd use a self publishing site.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
But don’t expect me to break out the invites and host a Hulk party for these jerks. (BTW, Go here for all your Hulk Party needs. May I recommend the Hulk Pinata. It has gummy-bears.)
I just don’t believe they are making another movie. I also don’t believe the girl in the foot photo yesterday, (top centre), was wearing any underwear, but who am I to judge?
Our only hope is they go direct to video with this monstrosity like they did with another celluloid gem American Pie: Band Camp.
I mean what’s next? A remake of Seven?
Go here for the preview remake of Seven.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
People often ask me. They say, " Hey Strange, you know feet right? What’s the big deal?"
First of all I’m not a professional, but yes, I know some reflex ology and I know what I like in feet. There are 28 erogenous zones on the foot alone. Note the sexy bits are on the heel and ankle. In fact you can stimulate all other organs by massaging the sexy foot.
Now, let me be clear: I like female feet. So guys just turn around right now. I'm not touching a man's foot unless it's my own or it involves embedded glass, massive blood loss, a tourniquet and a rusty hack-saw.
Ok, female feet. Wait! Let me be clear: I’m not interested in girls feet. That is, anyone with a catchers-mitt one day away from legality. I guess what I’m trying to say is women’s feet. Are we on the same page now?
Oh, and you can knock off anyone in the senior category. After all I’m not an Orthopedist.
Alright, let's get started. Women’s feet. Wait a minute! Let me be clear: I have to exclude anything that looks like a sausage, elongated boney digits, uneven tappers and someone who needs side cars for her shoes because she’s been shoving them into pumps for twenty years.
Also, rough heels that look like they could sand down hardwood and long toe nails that would have field mice running in a blind panic. In fact I’m not into the whole splayed toe, banana tree climbing, gecko foot. Ok.
So except for all these omissions...Let’s begin...Women’s feet.
Wait! I’m not sure there’s that many feet left out there to talk about?
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Why? Because it’s my birthday ya selfish prick.
So in my absence here are a couple of links you can check out. One is Top 10 wacky conspiracy theories and the other is Top 10 pornos made from Oscar winning films.
Which one will you visit first? Yeah I thought so, but personally I would have called the Gladiator movie Glad I ate her.
Now don't bug me until tomorrow.
Monday, January 16, 2006
At first when I saw this, I thought someone had filmed the Mitchieville townhall Christmas party, (Boy....what a wild night I tells-ya) , Because it looked strangely familiar to when they opened up the bar, and then later when they yelled, "FOOD!" and opened up the buffet table. Then I thought, "Oh no I have it now." It was at midnight when they provide free hookers dressed up as St. Nick and enough blow to choke Robert Downey Jr.
However when the haze cleared, I realized it was just another link I could use for Chuck Norris Monday. Go see nature in all its furious nakedidity. (Is that even a word?) Who will win?
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Seven Days Since She Left Me
Seven days since she left me and it already feels like a week
Seven days since she left me and it hurts when I take a leak
I’m laying on my back with tears in my ears crying over you
You left me for a lesbian and now I’m feelin’ blue
Oh Jesus won’t you help me and tell me what to do
I got blisters on my fingers from playin’ with you know who
I don’t know which way to turn and my mind just seems to race
I can’t believe, my oral skills have come in second place.
Don’t know what I said or did to push you to their team
You were my all my everything the coffee for my cream
If you’d just return to me I’d try to make you laugh
I’d even have a labia attached to my ass
Seven days since she left me and it already feels like a week
Seven days since she left me and it hurts when I take a leak
I’m laying on my back with tears in my ears crying over you
You left me for a lesbian and now I’m feelin’ blue
My tube steak is now getting raw my berries have turned blue
What do you expect, I'm not perfect and they over flow with goo
Oh please would you just come back so I can get some sleep
And stop those dreadful nightmares where I'm bum-blasting sheep
Seven days since she’s been back and it don’t feel like a week
Seven days since she’s been back and turned the other cheek
I’m lying on my back with joy in my boys the way I like it best
now that she’s bi sexual I've got a smorgasbord of breasts
I found it frustrating and draining. In fact, I decided I would boycott my own Blog this weekend and post nothing at all.....oh...stupid me I just did. DAMN IT ALL!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Pottahawk....Now that you’re here and see that I’m only talking about the word Pottahawk and not about Pottahawk the event, I can understand your hostility. I know, you wanted pictures of exposed breasts, hot chicks and or buff guys taken at Pottahawk and you’re disappointed.
However, good things come to those that wait and there are pictures of that blessed day (Pottahawk), taken at the 2005 Pottahawk Piss-up. They’re located in the flicker file lower down on the right side of this Blog. (Scroll down ya lazy bastard).
Also know, Strangedaze will be live on location for the 2006 Pottahawk extravaganza this July where we will be presenting our Synchronized Swimming Spectacular. See you there......at Pottahawk.
Pottahawk, Pottahawk, Pottahawk.
Told you I was a hit whore.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
If you’re a cheap ass like me, you still have the 2005 hanging in the kitchen with the little month of Jan. 2006 in the corner circled in black magic marker. But now that we’ve taken the plunge into the new year, every retailer is dumping the 2006 calendars at a reduced rate and a couple of smakers should net you something viable.
But even so, you don’t want just any calendar and unfortunately the pickings are slim. There's the usual suspects, sunsets on beaches, kittens and puppies, botanical gardens....spare me.
However if you want something out of the ordinary. Something funny as hell but not offensive to the under 18 over 60 crowd, I have the calendar for you and the great thing is you don't have to buy it. Click on it, save it, blow it up, print it out. Voi-la! Or go here and get your own.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
It appears that fraud is not indigenous to Parliament Hill anymore. The South Koreans seem to be in a bit of a tizzy of late. The story involves Hwang Woo-Suk. (everybody together now. "Woo-Suk Woo-Suk.") Seems Hwang published scientific papers dealing with stem cell research that are now viewed as fraudulent by a panel led by Chung Myung-He.
SEOUL (Reuters) - A team led by a once heralded and now disgraced South Korean scientist faked two landmark papers on embryonic stem cells but did produce the world's first cloned dog, an investigation panel said on Tuesday.
A cloned dog? Do you know what this means? No one in South Korea would ever go hungry again.
The panel said DNA tests proved a 2005 claim made by the team of producing the cloned dog, an Afghan hound named Snuppy.
What? They couldn’t think of a better name like--- Insert "Some-young-guy" joke here.
Snuppy, is short for Seoul National University puppy.
Oh, sorry. I retract my previous remarks.
That paper caused a sensation because the findings raised hopes that embryonic stem cells could one day be used to create genetically-specific tissue to treat ailments such as severe spinal cord injuries and Parkinson's disease.
"We concluded that Professor Hwang's team did not have patient-specific stem cell lines and did not have any scientific basis that the team made them," Chung said.
That's nitpicking isn't it?
Prosecutors have said they may start a criminal probe into Hwang on suspicion of misusing state funds, based on the findings in the panel's report.
Someone let Paul Martin know I found his new Minister of Finance.
The crime of fraudulently obtaining state funds can be punished by...
Death? Public decapitation? Disembowelment?
...up to 10 years in prison, local media reported.
Anyway if you’re having problems sleeping at night just read the rest of the story here.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Oh, that Ron Jeremy. Is there nothing he won't do?
Saturday, January 07, 2006
A) Someone e-mailed me, begging me to stop Blogging, and I thought I’d give them a slim glimmer of hope.
B) My computer decided to get all Hal on my ass and not work properly.
C) I was too busy purchasing celebrity excrement on the web to find time to Blog.
The answer is actually B. In fact, if HP ever gets another dime out of me, it will be for the sauce not the computer. What can I say? I love it on fries.
As far as C is concerned. Go here and they will answer all your questions on how you can own a piece of, (or should that be from?), Jessica Simpson etal. It sounds like a real bar-goon.
Jack Black's exrement will run ya a King Kong sized $92 a sample, where as you can get Sarah Jessica Parker body fluids staring at $6.75, (that's reasonable). However, forget Tom Green. He's a big ticket item and they are out of stock at the moment.
Just check these facts from the site.
For fecal and urine specimens, you will receive 2.0-3.0 cubic centimeters of specimen packaged in a hermetically-sealed transparent plastic cylinder (about the size of a film canister).
Wow. But are the contents clearly visable?
The contents will be clearly visible through the cylinder.
Great. If I decide on a fecal specimen of...oh let's say...Madonna...can I take it out and play with it like Silly Puddy? Plus I want to know if her shit really doesn't stink.
We do not recommend opening the cylinder after purchase, and we cannot be held liable for any injuries you sustain from engaging in this highly risky behavior.
That's true. I hurt myself on my own shit all the time. How about saliva?
For saliva, you will receive 0.5-1.0 cubic centimeters of specimen packaged in the same manner as the fecal and urine specimens. Some saliva samples may contain elements of toothpaste, mouthwash or food particles.
Can I order the saliva after the person's had a lobster dinner?
We have no control over what the saliva may be mixed with.
I guess that means I can cross Tom Cruise off the list. I already have enough of my own sperm.
Hey, what if I can obtain my own celebrity samples like Paris Hilton's toe-nail clippings, or Brad Pitt's nose boogers, or Cher's vaginal fluid, (Naw...You probably have more than you need already?)
Possibly. It depends on how much you can get, the current availability of that celebrity’s specimens, and whether we have the resources to properly identify the specimen in our routine tests. Sellers of accepted specimens will usually earn roughly $500 to $1000 dollars, depending on type of specimen and quantity. Contact us directly for more information regarding this.
$500 to $1000? Wow! Excuse me I have to go invite the Mayor over.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Somewhere in the transition of years, the boundaries have shifted, the individuality has taken over and cool is what you perceive it to be regardless of what anyone else thinks. In fact, marching to the beat of your own drummer....very cool. Why? Because you don’t give a flying fuck about what others think.
For instance, I was in a plaza the other day when a Chevy Impala with obvious engine trouble glided in along side me. The young intransigent immediately open the hood and waited for assistance. Apparently he couldn’t fix the mechanical malfunction...that’s cool.
While he waited patiently he decided to open both the passenger and driver side doors of his vehicle like some great metal bird ready to take flight. In essence, not giving a damn about others and cutting off access to the sidewalk for passers by...that’s cool I guess.
To ease the passage of time he popped in a CD and cranked up the volume....that’s cool.
The thundering chords, blasted forth from the cars sound system and the young individual in question began to bang his head to the infectious rhythms of Hot Girls in Love by Loverboy.....that’s coo.... Ok, fuck this! I have to draw the line somewhere.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
1) Hey, I didn't authorize this.
2) He kinda looks like me...ya know...back in the day when I played heavy metal and had that whole Ron Jeremy mustache vibe going on.
3) Well, at least it's interactive.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
What to call it?....hmmmm.
Thus, Strangedaze was born and I’ve been blogging ever since. But it was not that easy my friends– oh no. You see, someone else already had that moniker. However, I was forced to add the 101 in there to differentiate between the two. All the while feeling cheated and violated.
It’s the same feeling you had when you tried to get your first hotmail account and thought you’d be oh-so-shrewd by creating email@example.com , remember? Only you found there were thousands ahead of you.
Now you were forced to add extra letters, or numbers, or numbers and letters. All to get something remotely similar. Bastards!
I mean just go look at the original strangedaze. The guy hasn’t blogged in ages. You can almost blow the dust off this thing. Yet he has the comfort of knowing he pushed the enter key long before any other would-be suitors came along.
The therapy was long and intensive, but I managed to push the resentment deep. It’s ok. I’m here, he’s not.
Sincerely, I didn’t post this just so I could rant on about some blog and its creator who, for all I know, was tragically stuck head-on by a bus the very day he created strangedaze. I am posting because I found it interesting when I started to type, "all things strange," into the search engine to see what else was out there in the realm of strangeness.
Here are some of the links I found.
1) All right, that's just creepy. I'm going to lose sleep.
2) These guys better send me a royalty cheque.
3) Actually, I think I'll return to this link and order a few.
Monday, January 02, 2006
I thought I’d start off with a simple one. A kid vs his computer. It’s an age old question haunting us all, who would win in such a match-up? Now the answer is a mere click away. CLICK