Strangedaze: Don't sink my battleship

The United States is currently tracking a North Korean ship suspected of carrying military equipment that left Pyongyang this week, but have not yet boarded the vessel.

What a co-inky-dink, I'm currently tracking the Postman suspected of sleeping with GIGC and carrying military equipment in his pants. And as far as boarding? That ship has sailed my friends.

Babs like budder

Barbara Streisand played in the Big Smoke for the first time ever.

I heard it was a good show, but personally, I don’t care what dairy product you compare her to. I’m more concerned with the prices of tickets for the event and the number of kids who won’t be going to university now because of it.

Taking the dink out of drinking

Ontario is considering adopting legislation to allow people in clubs to take their alcoholic drinks with them to the bathroom. It is hoped this will curb the increasing number of date-rape incidents.

However, I bet the number of ingested urine-tainted mojitos will be on the rise.

God damn it! Now how am I going to get chicks?

Little Caesar....big investment

Little Caesar’s entrepreneur Mike Ilitch, owner of both the Detroit Tigers and the hockey Red Wings, has released a block of World Series tickets to rabid fans anxious to watch their team play the St. Louis Cardinals.

The catch is you also have to purchase 30 home-game Red Wing tickets.

Probably have to commit to 4 years of pizza once a week and dip your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed. Or maybe you can swap your Streisand tickets for them?

Double 00 heaven

If you’re a chick with the ass of a 10 year-old boy, or you have breasts resembling bee stings. Or maybe you generally have a whole prison-camp survivor-vibe going on, now there’s hope.

With people like Nicole Richie in mind, the fashion industry has introduced a new size, 00 for teenie, tiny, teenie, thin, tiny women.

The fall classic

November is considered the most dangerous time for pedestrians who get hit by vehicles.

The study concluded, due to cell phone use, weather conditions and general malaise, pedestrians were more likely to be struck, Tuesday to Friday, in the hours between 3 and 7 PM, especially if they had World Series tickets on them.

Now that’s specific.

What a Rush

The prog-rock experiments of the band Rush are among works that should be preserved for future generations, says a committee tasked with saving the best in Canadian television, radio, film and music.

The band's 1976 album "2112," a unique blend of classic rock and synthesizers that made Rush a sensation both in Canada and the United States, is one of 12 cultural pieces named Thursday as MasterWorks by the Audio-Visual Preservation Trust.

Also chosen this year is what's considered Canada's first homegrown TV hit, "The Pig & Whistle."

Wow.....The Pig & Whistle too? You gotta be feeling pretty special right now if you're a member of Rush.

Going for the long (dirty) bomb

The perceived terrorist threat, of dirty bombs being detonated in seven football stadiums this Sunday, turned out to be a hoax.

Apparently, it was just a contest between two authors, over the internet, on who could come up with the scariest scenario.

How about dowsing your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed? Now that’s scary.

However, let’s look at this realistically in a hypothetical way.

Disclaimer-
The following statements are the ravings of Gus the Homeless Guy and should, in no way, be misinterpreted as actual fact related to Chris Strange, Dickie the Greek, Mambo the Sports Monkey, the Mayor of Mitchieville, or any other persons living or dead who would make such asinine allegations.

First of all, lets just forget about Minnisota vs Seattle, Carolina vs Cincinnati, Philadelphia vs Tampa, and San Diego vs K.C. If you’re a terrorist you’re not going to make a bold statement by attacking those games.

odds 100-1

Also, Arizona vs Oakland? You’re doing the league a favor by taking the Raiders out of the equation. I’d rather be forced to listen to details of the time Streisand had sex with former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau than have to watch these two teams play.

odds 80-1

Pittsburgh vs Atlanta- Remember the Olympics? Attacking Atlanta, even although, as mentioned in the disclamer, in a fictional way, is so overdone.

odds 75-1

Denver vs Cleveland. You ever get to Cleveland? What a hole. Blowing things up there would be an improvement. Believe me. And I’d start with that mistake called the Rockin’ Roll Hall of Fame.

odds 50-1

New England vs Buffalo. This is another longshot. Didn't you read about the snow last week? Haven’t the people of Buffalo suffered enough? I mean they have to live there.

odds 25-1 and that's only because they're playing the Patriots.

Monday’s game Giants at Dallas is also not a good bet. Especially, if something happened in Sunday's games. Not that it would because, once again, none of this is real.

0dds 1000-1

That leaves the best bets for the over/under as....

Detroit vs Jets. Emblematic of all that is American: Detroit, New York. In fact, the only ones who would have no idea a disaster happened, would be the people of Detroit, who are too enthralled with watching the Tigers in the World Series and eating Ilitch's pizza.

odds even

Green Bay vs Miami. Good cross-over potential with this game between the Packers and the Dolphins. It would also anger animal activists and the makers of dairy products.

odds 2-1

Jacksonville vs Houston. Anything to fuck with Bush’s mind would be considered a victory and since Monday’s game is off the agenda, a strike in the heart of Texas is mandatory.

odds even

Washington vs Indy- The nation’s capitol vs the only undefeated team playing this week? The best odds. Where do I wager my fictional money?

*knock knock* Oh....the FBI agents are here.....gotta run.....