It Came From The Supermarket
First it’s killer spinach, then lettuce, now a couple lay in hospital, paralyzed, from drinking carrot juice tainted with botchilism.
- Aren't vegetables supposed to be healthy? Fuck me! I'm frying everything in pig fat from now on.
Death From Above
Cory Lidle, pitcher for the New York Yankees, throws the ultimate strike and crashes his plane into a luxury condo, killing himself and his flight instructor.
- It used to be, God’s way of telling you, you had too much money was, you’d develop a cocaine addiction and just O.D.
The Omega Man Revisted
The U.N. Security council debated what sanctions should be placed on North Korea as punisment for continued nuclear testing, as an underground experiment was conducted this week.
Some ideas that have been thrown out because they may be perceived as an act of war were:
Sending Bulgarian strippers to work in the capital of Pyongyang.
Bombarding Kim Jong Il’s home town with Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks.
Secretly snatching all dogs from North Korea and destroying the food infrastructure in the process.
Exporting all carrot juice tainted with botchilism to North Korean high officials in boxes marked "Yummy".
Friday the 13th: Jason Rides A Harley
A swarm of bikers descended on the peaceful town of Port Dover in a Friday the 13th ritual.
I would have gone but I seem to have misplaced my assless leather chaps....oh, and I don't own a motorcycle.
The Rampage of Old Man Winter
On Thursday, 53.5 centimetres of heavy snow set the record for the "snowiest" October day in Buffalo in the 137-year history of the weather service. The previous record of 38 centimetres was set Oct. 31, 1917.
The freak killer snow downed scores of tree limbs and toppled power lines.
Man! This is really going to kill Buffalo tourism. *snap*
Catastrophic pictures of this event are posted below.
So, what’s next? I suppose. Our house pets could rise up against us and kill us all in our sleep with power tools and sharp objects?
Revenge of the Housepets From Hell
It’s all fun and games until someone loses a colon
Of course you knew it was about the Sky City Casino Jalapeno eating contest, didn't ya?
Winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti from Chicago, ate 177 to claim the championship. He beat out 14 other competitors including Rich "The Locust" LaFevre, and Don "Mosses" Lerman, who guaranteed victory beforehand.
The Jalapeno champion Bertoletti said later, he couldn’t feel his face. It had gone numb.
Well, Deep Dish, I guarantee you’ll feel your asshole tomorrow.
Do let the bedbugs bite
A woman is suing an Ellenville New York hotel after she, and her husband, woke up covered in blood soaked sheets. They’d been bitten repeatedly by bed bugs.
You know, that's what I tell GIGC when she wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding from the ass......What do you mean, "that's disgusting"? You should see my penis.
In fact, the woman and her husband discovered the hotel room was infested with them.
I guess she didn't notice the sign entering town: Welcome to Ellenville, National home of the bed bug.
She is suing for 20 million in damages.
20 million? Holy snapping arseholes. Where do I sign-up? Bite away ya little buggers.
Everyone into the pool
Every week GIGC, when she isn't bleeding from the ass, plays the pro-picks football pool. A ticket where one must guess correctly, all the winners from that week’s NFL line-up.
The payout can be anywhere from $5,000 to $350,000 green backs. Earlier this year five people split the pot and took home a cool $35,000 each.
As I stated GIGC plays, and this week came within a whisper of getting them all right. Only THAT BASTARD! Brett Farve of the Green Bay Packers foiled her chances with a fumble in the dying moments of the game, handing an unlikely victory to the St. Louis Rams from the jaws of defeat.
GIGC, rightly so, was devastated.
Thousands of dollars gone like that. *snaps fingers*
Until we learned the next day almost 6,000 people possessed a winning ticket and took home a whopping $84.00 each.
Game on!
Emergeny rooms have noted a 33% increase in males following a sporting event. The study concluded, men simply will not go to emergency when sporting events are on, preferring to remain with whatever injuries they have until after the game is finished.
Wow! What we won't do for $84.00.
Personally, I remember once, The Mayor of Mitchieville waited until the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs before he had a severed limb reattached. Now that my friends, is dedication.
YouTube, YouRich
Google Inc. announced that it has agreed to acquire YouTube, the consumer media company for people to watch and share original videos through a Web experience, for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.
The acquisition combines one of the largest and fastest growing online video entertainment communities with Google's expertise in organizing information and creating new models for advertising on the Internet.
Not bad for two guys who started this thing out of their garage a year and a half ago.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some nuclear tests to conduct in the crawl space under my house. Hey, maybe I can sell my weapon to Google in a year or so?
New Release this week: Diddy - Press Play
But I recommend: Ken- By Request Only.
Come on, Ken......or Diddy? Seems like an easy choice to me.
You know, I think I had a hair helmet and suit like that for my grade 8 graduation.
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