Tis the season to regift now....fa-la-la-la-la....la-la-la-la

Last weekend, I was at a Christmas party where we were told to bring a gender friendly gift, wrap it creatively, and stick it under the tree with no tags.

Later in the evening we were told to choose numbers. Then the task of sequential selection and the ability to steal once from someone else was instituted.

I thought, what a bloody great idea.....I could regift and no one would know it was me. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation where you know your generosity is anonymous, here are twelve rules you should be aware of when dumping the unwanted ghost of Christmas presents.

1- Don’t mention that it’s a regift.

Well...duh!

2- Update the wrapping
3- Don’t give hand-me-downs.
4- Have the courtesy to blow the dust off your gift.
5- Don’t give products from defunct companies.

Ok forget all these rules. First, in a situation as I described above, doing all these things only lessens the hilarity of watching someone’s face twist into a hideous mask of disgust and then force a smile through it to say, thank you for the...uh...lovely gift. But I would suggest you at least remove the initial tags that had your name on it.

6- Do keep track of who gave it to you first.

Good idea. Somewhere down the line, a chance to get even will present itself. Remember the old Klingon saying: Revenge is a regift best served cold.

7- Don't EVER regift these items.

Certain items are a total, dead, instant giveaway that you are not only regifting, but you're too lame to put any effort into it: candles, soap, random books, mysterious CDs, obscure software, cheesy jewelry, scarves, fruitcake, pens, cologne, boxed sets of extinct bath products, videos or DVDs obviously acquired on a street corner, socks and any appliances or electronic gear the giftee would be puzzled to receive because they probably just got rid of it.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Have you heard nothing I’ve said? Hello ANONYMOUS GIFT GIVING! Feel free to give all these items. In fact, I suggest you use what you can first, soap, half-burned candles, dog-eared books, half-eaten fruitcakes, (although that one’s a stretch).

It shows the recipient you took the time and effort to make sure these gifts fulfilled their intended purpose.

8- Don't give partially used gift cards.

Why not? I mean when am I ever going to spend that last $3.49 at Home Depot? I hate to be redundant, but see above.

9- Don't give something you've owned for a while.

Only applies if you’re giving to people who would recognize the picture frame from your living room wall......that reminds me....take out the picture of you and your family before you wrap it.....I won’t make that mistake again.

10- Do regift champagne.

Oh, and in the meantime what do I drink?

11- Do sell your gifts on eBay.

Wrong. First you have to list it. Then you have to wait a week with your hunk of junk until some hillbilly who really wants an 8 track tape of Nat King Cole's A Christmas Memory, (because he thought it was Mammary), decides to part with fifty cents.

Then you have to put the item in a bubble-wrap mailer that costs $1.50, trudge through the snow and mail the fucker for another $8 bucks because the hillbilly wanted insurance on his purchase.

Then eBay takes its cut and after requesting such a small amount be transferred to your account from PayPal, they charge you as well.

At this point I don't think there's any need for sarcasm by saying, oh yeah great idea!

12- Do remember that regifts can be funny.

But it's up to you to follow this advice and make it that way. Here's what I'm giving my Mom this year.

"Don't worry......be happy.....don't worry be happy now..."