Same old week

It was another usual week in T.O., the extreme heat alerts, the calls to conserve electricity, the drive-by shootings, the police 400 series highway speed traps, the plane crashes at Pearson International. OK, it’s been 27 years since the last air disaster in the big smoke, you got me there.

The incredible thing about the crash, everyone made it out of the ensuing fire ball alive. Why I myself was trapped on the 401 when it all went down. I witnessed the plumbs of black and grey smoke. I saw the burned out wreckage that still sits there causing traffic chaos as gawkers slow to look. Hell, they are even parking to get the perfect shot on there camera phones.

A long weekend has come and gone, the next, Labor Day will virtually signal the death knell of summer and I’m sure the Police will have another driving blitz, "Operation how many dumb asses can we pull over." This past week it was "The good, the bad, and the rusty." Who thinks up these names?

Some of the lame driver excuses were, "I’m sorry I was speeding officer but..... I forgot my wife’s birthday and had to rush out to buy her a gift....I was potty training my daughter while I was driving....I’ve never broken the speed limit before and wanted to see what it was like...."

Hey, you want people to slow down? I suggest they haul the remains of the France airbus up the 400 and plop it next to Webber’s burgers or in gasoline alley, people will not only slow down they’ll stop to pose with the wreckage.

Guns are getting out of hand in this city. Thanks to the good people south of the border who brought us the invasion of Iraq. Do you know how hard it is to buy a handgun legally in this country? Yet, everyday I’m hearing of innocent people dying, or hurt because they were caught in some gang crossfire. What we need here is an arena, not unlike the ones served up by paintball, and let these punks have at it. Perhaps we should go back to the Romans for guidance? We could pay admission, (with a hefty Ticket Master service charge of course), and view these idiots murder one another.

OK so it was hot.....this is your cue to say, "how hot was it?"...I’m to friggin hot to think of a punch line.

Anyway, there they are telling us to conserve energy. Don’t put on the air-conditioner until 2 AM, don’t use your dishwasher, let the dog lick your plates clean. Don’t do laundry, flip your undies for an extra day of wear.

So, let me ask this: Is Ontario Hydro going to remember that we all bit the bullet and conserved the next time they hike the rates? Of course not. Listen, the next time they tell you to conserve, turn every God-damn thing on in the house, and let them pay for the extra expensive imported power. It’ll serve those assholes right. We’re going to end up paying for it anyway.

Helpful factoid #4: If you beat your kids with a 5lb bag of oranges, it won't leave any bruises.