Canada is #4 on the whining chart. A new survey released this week said so. We complain about everything apparently. Look at what we deal with, the weather, (thanks Gyler), the traffic, the shootings, the exchange rate, women’s facial hair...do you want me to go on?
Well, if we’re #4 guess who’s #1?
Sweden...ha! You thought I was going to say the Dutch didn’t you? Fooled you with the title didn’t I? No, the Dutch didn’t even finish in the top 5....I just like picking on the Dutch, those clog wearing, 1940 bike riding, red-light-district-hash-smoking, mayo french-fry dipping bastards.
Sweden is #1. SWEDEN! What do they have to complain about? Just look at them, all blonde and beautiful, humping everything that moves. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex and hockey....that’s Sweden. How do you complain about that for Christ’s sake?....Hey, look at me, I’m complaining. Maybe Canada should be #1. What were they thinking, saying we’re #4? That’s it! I’m writing a letter of complaint! Oh fuck it! On with the week....
It started with Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes being fired out of a canon in front of a star studded crowd, (Johnny Depp was there Linds). Not to be out done, The Stones started their, "Bigger Bang Tour," in Boston, where a fan fired herself out of an upper balcony. She survived and should out live Mick and the boys yet.
Moog, the inventor of the synthesizer died at age 71 this week. He changed the face of music with his creation, giving a new sound to Psychedelia, that gave birth to Heavy Metal, which spawned Progressive, that farted Disco, that belched Punk, that clawed out New Wave, that begat big hair, and Grunge, and Gangsta Rap....it’s a good thing Moog’s dead....a good thing.
Alright, back to those crazy Dutch bastards. They have a new reality show called, "I want your child and nothing else." Several men vie for the chance to donate their sperm for insemination into some hot chick. Think of it as the ultimate survivor.
It’s not bad enough that a single sperm has to compete with its own ejaculate brothers and sisters comparable to the entire population of China, you’ve got six or seven other sperm banks shoving you aside as well. What, are the Dutch high or something? Don't answer that.
You can now loose weight flying Air Canada. That’s right , they’re placing tighter restrictions on baggage dimensions and poundage...and you thought you had to diet.
It was a great week for inventions. Fuck off, and get out of the way Moog.
A kid invented the hamster powered cell phone. Although he has yet to figure out how you get that wheel into your pocket.
The Japanese invented something called Kid’s beer, It looks and tastes like the real thing apparently. It even comes in the same brown bottles. How long do you think before some pedophile does the old swicth-a-roo?
Some soccer mom (It just has to be), was concerned that we weren’t getting enough vegetables in our diet so she decided to invent vegetable flavored ice-cream. Asparagus chocolate chip anyone?
Did you see the Northern lights this week? Quite spectacular, or so I’m told. You see, I live in the city next to Mitchieville and they’re always sucking up the power. There is so much light pollution you can’t see the northern lights. Hell, you can’t see the moon most nights. Who the fuck is minister of the environment anyway?
The reason the Northern lights were so prominent was due to some larger than normal solar flares from the sun in a gassy explosion.....gassy....the sun has gas....huh..huh..that’s funny. Must be all that vegetable ice-cream it’s been eating.
Now you can down load movie-line clips for your hamster powered cell phone did you know that? I think when my phone rings I’d like it to say, "Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me." or, "Say hello to my little friend," repeatedly. Ladies you could program yours to say, "You had me at hello." That would be nice.
There’s a big brew-ha-ha in Muncie Indiana over...well, a brew...ha, ha! The university has banned beer kegs in hopes to curb the increase in alcoholism. Come on! It’s Muncie! What the hell else is there to do besides drink? I suggest a compromise....kegs of Kid’s beer....is that acceptable?
They released a list of the body parts from famous people in the music industry that would make up the perfect rocker. Steve Tyler’s lips, Bruce’s butt, etc. Absent from the list was Tommy Lee’s cock. This is the perfect rocker we’re talking about here people, and rockers are promiscuous...very promiscuous....ah the good old days.
I also found it amusing that the chart listed Keith Richards' liver in the mix. You know, it makes sense. Just think of the abuse he’s put that thing through and it’s still working.
The circus came to town this week. They performed in front of massive crowds. There was a high-wire act, a lion tamer, and lots of juggling. There was even a little dog. However, there were only two clowns, Karla Homolka and her former boss Richer Lapointe. Needless to say I didn’t go.
Finally, hurricane Katrina moved out into the Gulf and Karla moved to mid-town Montreal, but you know they’ll both be coming back into the news sooner than any of us care for.
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