This week the Mayor lost his father, Mayor Sr.
I am just beginning to find out what a great man he was. GIGC and I were fortunate enough to be able to offer our support to the Mayor in his time of need.
As we age we are all faced with the loss of parents. I myself lost my father last year. It makes you confront your own mortality with the knowledge, you too, will someday pass on.
This was a fervent topic of discussion last evening between myself and our friend base.
Who will be the last surviving member of a wonderful group of lunatics?
And shouldn’t there be some money up for grabs to the imminent winner?
Needless to say, the birth of the death pool saw it’s inception with everyone kicking in $20 bucks and the understanding with each subsequent death an additional $20 by the remaining mourners will be tossed into the pot.
It is with this in mind I offer up the following scenario.
The players.....Strange, GIGC, OBJ, The Mayor, The Little Dutch Girl, Babosa, Dickie Sanchez, Trebor Enots, Bob Noxious..... Pot size $180.00
February 1st, 2028.....OBJ, more affectionately known as One Ball Joe, lost his footing in the frigid morning air while he was roofing a house and fell three stories to the ground. Although the fall didn’t kill him, in fact, it fixed his ailing back, he slipped and fell when he got up and impaled his one good testicle on a near by garden gnome causing instantaneous death.
Due to inflation and the fact $20 no longer buys a loaf of bread the ante has been increased to $100.
Pot size $980.00
February 4th, 2028.....Sadly at OBJ’s wake, long time companion Babosa, recounting the time OBJ fit 5 chicken dinners into his mouth at once, tried to duplicate the feat, and chocked on a chicken bone. She could not be revived.
Pot size $1680.00
July 1st, 2032.... Bob Noxious was murdered in bed while having sex. He was stabbed repeatedly in the spine by the girl’s angry father. Apparent Bob wasn’t aware the government had again raised the age of consent from 16 to 17.
Pot size $2280.00
October 10th, 2035... Strange died from erotic asphyxiation. The details of which are best left out at this time, but he was wearing ass-less leather chaps.
Pot size $2780.00
June 22nd, 2038....The Little "old" Dutch girl was shot by a former student eight times. Once for every year she held him back. The student in question finally graduated public school at the age of 24.
Pot size $3180.00
December 19th, 2043... GIGC after fulfilling a life long desire to be with another woman, chose a partner who has never seen a razor, and subsequently choked on several errant pubic hairs.
Since a $100 no longer buys a carton of milk the ante is increased to $1000
Pot size $6180.00
August 17th, 2051....Destitute and needing money, Trebor Enots tried to scare the Mayor and Dickie Sanchez to death by jumping out of a closet in hopes of winning the pot. Unfortunately, it was a closet that locked from the outside. His body was found three weeks later.
Pot size $8180.00
November 21st, 2058..... Four years after moving into the same retirement home in the thriving metropolis of Greater Mitchieville, and after repeated attempts on each others lives, Dickie Sanchez eventually succumbed to his injuries after being pushed down a flight of stairs.
His jet propelled walker was blamed for the mishap and Pfizer was forced to payout a multibillion dollar settlement to Dickie’s only living acquaintance the Mayor.
Pot size $18,000,8180.00
November 23rd, 2058....Two days after the death of his friend Dickie Sanchez, Multi billionaire, The Mayor was mugged outside his prestigious beach resort home in Aruba by an angry mob of impoverished hooligans.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Let's hear it for big daddy
Tomorrow is dad's day. Historically dads seem to get the shaft when it comes to praise and gifts. It’s always the mothers who are periodically worshiped while the dads take a back seat.
Really, if you look at it. Women have always been the recipients of the lavish rewards. They know how to get what they want, while the male has to work , sometimes even beg, for acknowledgment.
Hell, an aroused woman could have a dozen men with erect members, ready to club her to death like a baby seal, if she wanted. It’s not fair.
But let me let you in on a little secret. As a man, as a dad, I don’t really care, (except about the sex part). I just want to be left alone to do my thing. Whether it’s watch golf, lie in my own vomit, wank to porn, or wank to porn while I lie in my own vomit, just leave me be.
Besides, there's a more important day coming up with cause for celebration. Tax freedom day this monday.
You're richer than you think
Ken Thompson died of a heart attack at 82 this week. The multi-billionaire was the wealthiest man in Canada and one of the wealtiest in the world.
As sad as this may seem, I take it as a sign of good fortune. You see, I’ve just moved up a notch in the pecking order of riches.
Woo-hoo. I’m going to enjoy the comfort of my lofty perch as Canada’s 15,857,694th wealthiest person. Common help me celebrate. Books of matches and paper clips for everyone.
South Toronto? I knew it!
With all the arrests recently of terrorists and gang members, one doesn’t feel very safe in the Big Smoke anymore.
As one U.S. congressman stated, "all the trouble seems to be emerging from South Toronto."
South Toronto? You mean like the Beach? Or perhaps he meant Toronto Island Airport or Queen's Quay the admitted hotbeds for gang violence and terrorist activity. I’m sure the people in Scarborough and Jane and Finch feel a lot better about where they live now.
The shirt off her back
That Jolie Pitt baby is at it again. Apparently little Shiloh appeared with her proud parents on the cover of some mags wearing a trendy T-shirt this week and caused near pandemonium as similar shirts flew off the retailers shelves.
Good thing she wasn’t just wearing a diaper.
Big Ben's a big mess
Ben Rothlesberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers was in a motorcycle accident this week when an elderly woman pulled out in front of him.
Any chance she’s a Seahawk fan?
Ben, who wasn’t wearing a helmet, (because it isn’t mandatory), suffered pretty much broken everything and spent several hours in surgery.
Not wearing a helmet? Too many QB sacks Ben? Good thing helmets are mandatory in the NFL.
Weighty issues
New studies inform us, beer can prevent prostate cancer.
The bad news, or good news, depending on how you look at it, is you’d have to drink at least 17 beers a day in order for it to effectively reduce your chances.
Hurrah! Dr. Jelly Finger says I don’t have prostate cancer. Shame about my liver.
Further studies show coffee drinkers have less chance of developing cirrhosis of the liver than their decaffeinated counterparts.
Alright. Now where are those 17 beers?
A report released this week confirms Trans-fats are dangerously high in some fast food items.
Who would have thought?
In fact, some places like KFC had the highest levels globally helping to cause, excessive cholesterol, heart disease, and morbid obesity.
Well as long as my prostate and liver are ok.
Wanted dead or alive....make that just dead
You are worth more dead than alive...well at least some people are. Take Elvis for instance. He made 22 million last year. Kurt Cobaine 20 million. Even Einstein, who’s been dead for 50 years, pulled in 12 million.
I tell ya, if my liver and prostate weren’t so healthy, I’d be hanging myself from the ceiling fan right now.
New release this week: Nelly Furtado - Loose (and she has ugly feet)
But I recommend:
The Louvin Brothers : Satan is Real
Where were these guys last week for the 6.6.06?
And to think, when I was in the music business, I couldn't get a deal with Capitol Records.
Really, if you look at it. Women have always been the recipients of the lavish rewards. They know how to get what they want, while the male has to work , sometimes even beg, for acknowledgment.
Hell, an aroused woman could have a dozen men with erect members, ready to club her to death like a baby seal, if she wanted. It’s not fair.
But let me let you in on a little secret. As a man, as a dad, I don’t really care, (except about the sex part). I just want to be left alone to do my thing. Whether it’s watch golf, lie in my own vomit, wank to porn, or wank to porn while I lie in my own vomit, just leave me be.
Besides, there's a more important day coming up with cause for celebration. Tax freedom day this monday.
You're richer than you think
Ken Thompson died of a heart attack at 82 this week. The multi-billionaire was the wealthiest man in Canada and one of the wealtiest in the world.
As sad as this may seem, I take it as a sign of good fortune. You see, I’ve just moved up a notch in the pecking order of riches.
Woo-hoo. I’m going to enjoy the comfort of my lofty perch as Canada’s 15,857,694th wealthiest person. Common help me celebrate. Books of matches and paper clips for everyone.
South Toronto? I knew it!
With all the arrests recently of terrorists and gang members, one doesn’t feel very safe in the Big Smoke anymore.
As one U.S. congressman stated, "all the trouble seems to be emerging from South Toronto."
South Toronto? You mean like the Beach? Or perhaps he meant Toronto Island Airport or Queen's Quay the admitted hotbeds for gang violence and terrorist activity. I’m sure the people in Scarborough and Jane and Finch feel a lot better about where they live now.
The shirt off her back
That Jolie Pitt baby is at it again. Apparently little Shiloh appeared with her proud parents on the cover of some mags wearing a trendy T-shirt this week and caused near pandemonium as similar shirts flew off the retailers shelves.
Good thing she wasn’t just wearing a diaper.
Big Ben's a big mess
Ben Rothlesberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers was in a motorcycle accident this week when an elderly woman pulled out in front of him.
Any chance she’s a Seahawk fan?
Ben, who wasn’t wearing a helmet, (because it isn’t mandatory), suffered pretty much broken everything and spent several hours in surgery.
Not wearing a helmet? Too many QB sacks Ben? Good thing helmets are mandatory in the NFL.
Weighty issues
New studies inform us, beer can prevent prostate cancer.
The bad news, or good news, depending on how you look at it, is you’d have to drink at least 17 beers a day in order for it to effectively reduce your chances.
Hurrah! Dr. Jelly Finger says I don’t have prostate cancer. Shame about my liver.
Further studies show coffee drinkers have less chance of developing cirrhosis of the liver than their decaffeinated counterparts.
Alright. Now where are those 17 beers?
A report released this week confirms Trans-fats are dangerously high in some fast food items.
Who would have thought?
In fact, some places like KFC had the highest levels globally helping to cause, excessive cholesterol, heart disease, and morbid obesity.
Well as long as my prostate and liver are ok.
Wanted dead or alive....make that just dead
You are worth more dead than alive...well at least some people are. Take Elvis for instance. He made 22 million last year. Kurt Cobaine 20 million. Even Einstein, who’s been dead for 50 years, pulled in 12 million.
I tell ya, if my liver and prostate weren’t so healthy, I’d be hanging myself from the ceiling fan right now.
New release this week: Nelly Furtado - Loose (and she has ugly feet)
But I recommend:
The Louvin Brothers : Satan is RealWhere were these guys last week for the 6.6.06?
And to think, when I was in the music business, I couldn't get a deal with Capitol Records.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Ole....Ole, Ole, Ole.....
Yeah I know. The World Cup started this week. Patriotic motherfuckers are crawling out from under every rock with their little flags. Flags waving for the chosen country of their forefathers from everything from car antennas to more car antennas.
But who will win?
My one friend says the Italians are a shoe-in to win it all. Not surprisingly, he’s Italian. Well meatball, in my opinion, the Italians will be up and down like a toilet seat at a stag and doe. That type of inconsistency is not the veal Parmesan of champions. Ya know what I mean you misguided acolyte?
Another friend swears it is the British who will rise to supremacy.
Surprise, surprise, his heritage hails back to jolly old England, home of the Union Jack and bad teeth.
Let me tell you, knicker boy, any nation who uses 1000's of megga watts in extra power just to put the kettle on, and make tea for the big matches, doesn’t deserve to win.
Then I’m told Brazilians will win. "Brazilians," I say. That’s too many. A million maybe, but a Brazilian? Now you’re dreaming.
Hey, I knew a girl who had a Brazilian wax once...ahh those were good times....
Anyway, I’m going to give you the finalists of the FIFA World Cup, and remember you heard it here first.
Togo vs Trinidad & Tobago. Not that Trinidad really needs Tobago to trounce the superior fire power of Togo.
My dark horse pick is Iran. Especially if they put some of that enriched uranium in their opponents shorts before game time. Remember my friend, never count out a nation who kills their athletes for not winning.
Meow remix
Correction: I would like to apologize to all the angry emails I had over the cat reality show mentioned on a previous Blog. Apparently, my bad, when I said the winner would get a contract with Purina. I was wrong. It was Meow Mix. Once again my sincerest apologies.
Kicking us in the Baghdad
Ok so we’ve had a little problem with terrorists here in the big smoke. In fact, I’m hearing there are a proliferation of Islamic extremist recruiting websites that started this whole deal.
Suddenly it seems , we are under the microscope of the world eye and finger pointing, "I told you so," Americans, who have just accelerated their plans to build the fence along the 49th
parallel.
This media scrutiny has got me thinking. We need an Islamic Terrorist reality show. Kind of a Survivor meets The Amazing Race. With weekly eliminations like crawling through mine fields, or quickest suicide bombing, as they race around the globe to exotic destinations surrounded by chicks in bikinis and berkas.
Tune in next week to Survivor Islamabad. Shareef confronts Abdul about his secret alliance with Yasim and Mustafa pulls the wrong hand grenade pin at the jihad reward challenge.
"Sorry Zarqawi the 25 million goes to the guy who sold you out to the Americans."
Suffering from high score
Now there is a D-tox center for video addicts. When you start lying to people by telling them your Carpal Tunnel was caused by excessive masturbation instead of aggressive joy stick maneuvers, you need help.
Usually vices and addictions eventually lead to your wife or girlfriend leaving you. It's a wakeup call and reality check to straighten your ass up. But these guys don’t have the luxury of relationships with the opposite sex, so the rehab seems like a good idea to me.
Leap of faith
A European man decided to test his faith and put his life in God’s hands by leaping into a lion’s den in a Munich zoo. The animal, obviously an atheist, tore the man to shreds. Had the guy at least waited until the first upset at the World Cup, it would have made more sense.
Oddly enough I wrote about this exact same scenario in my second novel The Limits of Respectability, which just goes to show you, truth is as strange as Strange fiction.
Bet bet bet bet BET BET BET!
It is true you can bet on anything these days from World Cup red cards, to Super Bowl wardrobe malfunctions, to as mentioned on last week's Blog, Spelling Bees.
On a more personal note, now that wedding season is cranking up, did you know some book makers are taking wagers on how long marriages will last. You can get odds on everything from until the rice is thrown, to two months, to happily ever after.
There’s probably some serious money to be made on the last one.
Apocalypse Tuesday
In fact this week, if you wanted, you could lay a wager on 6.6.06 being the date of the apocalypse.
For a measly $100 you would have taken home a cool 10 million had the world ended in a fiery ball of ruin Tuesday. Of course collecting your winnings might of presented a problem.
New Release this week: Sonic Youth- Rather Ripped
but I recommend: Tino- Por Primera Vez
Don't laugh. There are some really good soccer anthems on this one.
But who will win?
My one friend says the Italians are a shoe-in to win it all. Not surprisingly, he’s Italian. Well meatball, in my opinion, the Italians will be up and down like a toilet seat at a stag and doe. That type of inconsistency is not the veal Parmesan of champions. Ya know what I mean you misguided acolyte?
Another friend swears it is the British who will rise to supremacy.
Surprise, surprise, his heritage hails back to jolly old England, home of the Union Jack and bad teeth.
Let me tell you, knicker boy, any nation who uses 1000's of megga watts in extra power just to put the kettle on, and make tea for the big matches, doesn’t deserve to win.
Then I’m told Brazilians will win. "Brazilians," I say. That’s too many. A million maybe, but a Brazilian? Now you’re dreaming.
Hey, I knew a girl who had a Brazilian wax once...ahh those were good times....
Anyway, I’m going to give you the finalists of the FIFA World Cup, and remember you heard it here first.
Togo vs Trinidad & Tobago. Not that Trinidad really needs Tobago to trounce the superior fire power of Togo.
My dark horse pick is Iran. Especially if they put some of that enriched uranium in their opponents shorts before game time. Remember my friend, never count out a nation who kills their athletes for not winning.
Meow remix
Correction: I would like to apologize to all the angry emails I had over the cat reality show mentioned on a previous Blog. Apparently, my bad, when I said the winner would get a contract with Purina. I was wrong. It was Meow Mix. Once again my sincerest apologies.
Kicking us in the Baghdad
Ok so we’ve had a little problem with terrorists here in the big smoke. In fact, I’m hearing there are a proliferation of Islamic extremist recruiting websites that started this whole deal.
Suddenly it seems , we are under the microscope of the world eye and finger pointing, "I told you so," Americans, who have just accelerated their plans to build the fence along the 49th
parallel.
This media scrutiny has got me thinking. We need an Islamic Terrorist reality show. Kind of a Survivor meets The Amazing Race. With weekly eliminations like crawling through mine fields, or quickest suicide bombing, as they race around the globe to exotic destinations surrounded by chicks in bikinis and berkas.
Tune in next week to Survivor Islamabad. Shareef confronts Abdul about his secret alliance with Yasim and Mustafa pulls the wrong hand grenade pin at the jihad reward challenge.
"Sorry Zarqawi the 25 million goes to the guy who sold you out to the Americans."
Suffering from high score
Now there is a D-tox center for video addicts. When you start lying to people by telling them your Carpal Tunnel was caused by excessive masturbation instead of aggressive joy stick maneuvers, you need help.
Usually vices and addictions eventually lead to your wife or girlfriend leaving you. It's a wakeup call and reality check to straighten your ass up. But these guys don’t have the luxury of relationships with the opposite sex, so the rehab seems like a good idea to me.
Leap of faith
A European man decided to test his faith and put his life in God’s hands by leaping into a lion’s den in a Munich zoo. The animal, obviously an atheist, tore the man to shreds. Had the guy at least waited until the first upset at the World Cup, it would have made more sense.
Oddly enough I wrote about this exact same scenario in my second novel The Limits of Respectability, which just goes to show you, truth is as strange as Strange fiction.
Bet bet bet bet BET BET BET!
It is true you can bet on anything these days from World Cup red cards, to Super Bowl wardrobe malfunctions, to as mentioned on last week's Blog, Spelling Bees.
On a more personal note, now that wedding season is cranking up, did you know some book makers are taking wagers on how long marriages will last. You can get odds on everything from until the rice is thrown, to two months, to happily ever after.
There’s probably some serious money to be made on the last one.
Apocalypse Tuesday
In fact this week, if you wanted, you could lay a wager on 6.6.06 being the date of the apocalypse.
For a measly $100 you would have taken home a cool 10 million had the world ended in a fiery ball of ruin Tuesday. Of course collecting your winnings might of presented a problem.
New Release this week: Sonic Youth- Rather Ripped
but I recommend: Tino- Por Primera VezDon't laugh. There are some really good soccer anthems on this one.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Another week that was
We have much ground to cover this week my friends, so strap in.....just let me check my notes here and see what I have to tell you.......hmm.....
Duck eats alien head......too "World News" tabloid......no
Liz Taylor would like you to know she’s not dead..... and Richard Burton would like you to know he still is........no
The more educated men are, the more they don’t want kids...... they also don't want pick-up trucks parked on their front lawn.........no
Smirnoff is coming out with new coolers targeted toward men........the more educated men I'll bet. After a few of those, you want pick-up trucks on your lawn......no
Pitt Jolie's baby's name means, "new messiah".......that's just swell and I'll bet she already has a 3 picture deal too.....no
The Dollar Store will soon have stock publically traded.......will it be available for a dollar I wonder?....no
Don’t smoke em if ya got em
A province wide smoking ban went into effect May 31st. It prohibits lighting up in any enclosed area even if it’s a semi-covered patio. Many believe this will lead to an underground procreation of smoking rooms not unlike the speak-easys of the prohibition era, where those who wish can get together and indulge in their vices.
These private smoking establishments will only be the first, as soon the smoke-easy will be joined by the cancer-easy and finally the death-easy.
Barbie wins over Barbie
Mattel lost it’s much publicized court case against a Montreal steak house named Barbie's over a weakening of the brand.
The judge in the case sided with the restaurant sighting the two companies offered vastly different products to consumers. He stated that although you could put a Barbie on the barbie at Barbie's, you still wouldn't want to eat one........I don’t know. When I was younger, I had a G.I. Joe that ate a few Barbies.
Would you like fries with that?
A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad. No one’s sure whether it was a joke by a fast food employ, or a stunt by the woman to extort money from the establishment....not unlike our next hero from Wisconsin who’s brain storm to squeeze cash out of Taco Bell ended in misery.
He was charged for putting a dead mouse in his burrito. To make matters worse he let his girlfriend be the recipient of the delicacy. Now he’s not only in trouble with the law he’s single.
Dude did you learn nothing from the Wendy’s incident. It’s suppose to be a human
finger...idiot.
So far, big fish no catch for the boatmen
Ricky Williams played his first game as an Argo friday night against the Hamilton Ti-cats and was held to only 7 yards, which I feel is pretty good for his debut in the CFL. After all it’s just 2 short of the whole nine yards.
Pillow talk
A bar in downtown Toronto is putting out a call to all able bodied, young, moistened, delectable, delicious women, with more than ample mammalian protuberances, to join a new league.
The league will consist of teams who must pillow fight each other in front of an enthusiastic audience.....what no jello?
Fast and the furious it ain't
Surprisingly four people were not injured when they tried to drive their Toyota under a transport truck last Monday while traveling down the DVP. The driver of the truck was as stunned as anyone as the crushed vehicle somehow pulled free of the wreckage and drove off with crushed roof, smashed windshield and four flat tires.
Police found the car and it’s occupants not far away, hiding in back of a factory, and charged the driver with impaired.......I guess there's no charge for stupidity?
Wraps can make you money
gotgas.ca will pay you up to $450 a month if you are willing to have your car wrapped in an advertisement.
Sounds like a great deal...and what do I care...I won’t have to look at the coke bottle I’ll be driving.....
The one catch? You have to drive a gazzillon clicks a month.
Kind of fucks up the km’s on your lease doesn’t it? Not to mention the money they pay you will just go to the gas you need to drive around anyway......oh yeah sign me up.
Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Mohammeds
The police raided the homes of a suspected Canadian terrorist cell this week, arresting those involved.
It is believed the al-Qaeda-like operation had designs on causing havoc in the southern Ontario region, mainly with attacks on the CN Tower and the transit system.
Perhaps they even had plans to launch an attack on the subway system last Monday, but were thwarted by the TTC wildcat strike and couldn’t get a bus downtown.
Give me a $100 on the bee
Did you know you could bet on the spelling bee? It's true. Vegas gave 4-9 odds the winner would be male, 3-9 he would be a geeky mofo, and an over-under of 10.5 letters on the winning word.
The winner was 13 year-old Katharine Close who correctly spelled "ursprache."
Everyone seemed to be fuckin' nuts and pissin' crazy over this whole deal. So much so, I thought I would start the first annual Strangedaze Spelling Bee. You are all welcome to participate......here goes.
Spell for me the word, "fucoxanthin.".........Hey! You cheated!
This isn't going to work at all.
New release this week: AFI- December Underground
But I recommend: Tex Williams- Smoke, Smoke, Smoke
But you can't listen to it in an enclosed area.....you have been warned.
Duck eats alien head......too "World News" tabloid......no
Liz Taylor would like you to know she’s not dead..... and Richard Burton would like you to know he still is........no
The more educated men are, the more they don’t want kids...... they also don't want pick-up trucks parked on their front lawn.........no
Smirnoff is coming out with new coolers targeted toward men........the more educated men I'll bet. After a few of those, you want pick-up trucks on your lawn......no
Pitt Jolie's baby's name means, "new messiah".......that's just swell and I'll bet she already has a 3 picture deal too.....no
The Dollar Store will soon have stock publically traded.......will it be available for a dollar I wonder?....no
Don’t smoke em if ya got em
A province wide smoking ban went into effect May 31st. It prohibits lighting up in any enclosed area even if it’s a semi-covered patio. Many believe this will lead to an underground procreation of smoking rooms not unlike the speak-easys of the prohibition era, where those who wish can get together and indulge in their vices.
These private smoking establishments will only be the first, as soon the smoke-easy will be joined by the cancer-easy and finally the death-easy.
Barbie wins over Barbie
Mattel lost it’s much publicized court case against a Montreal steak house named Barbie's over a weakening of the brand.
The judge in the case sided with the restaurant sighting the two companies offered vastly different products to consumers. He stated that although you could put a Barbie on the barbie at Barbie's, you still wouldn't want to eat one........I don’t know. When I was younger, I had a G.I. Joe that ate a few Barbies.
Would you like fries with that?
A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad. No one’s sure whether it was a joke by a fast food employ, or a stunt by the woman to extort money from the establishment....not unlike our next hero from Wisconsin who’s brain storm to squeeze cash out of Taco Bell ended in misery.
He was charged for putting a dead mouse in his burrito. To make matters worse he let his girlfriend be the recipient of the delicacy. Now he’s not only in trouble with the law he’s single.
Dude did you learn nothing from the Wendy’s incident. It’s suppose to be a human
finger...idiot.
So far, big fish no catch for the boatmen
Ricky Williams played his first game as an Argo friday night against the Hamilton Ti-cats and was held to only 7 yards, which I feel is pretty good for his debut in the CFL. After all it’s just 2 short of the whole nine yards.
Pillow talk
A bar in downtown Toronto is putting out a call to all able bodied, young, moistened, delectable, delicious women, with more than ample mammalian protuberances, to join a new league.
The league will consist of teams who must pillow fight each other in front of an enthusiastic audience.....what no jello?
Fast and the furious it ain't
Surprisingly four people were not injured when they tried to drive their Toyota under a transport truck last Monday while traveling down the DVP. The driver of the truck was as stunned as anyone as the crushed vehicle somehow pulled free of the wreckage and drove off with crushed roof, smashed windshield and four flat tires.
Police found the car and it’s occupants not far away, hiding in back of a factory, and charged the driver with impaired.......I guess there's no charge for stupidity?
Wraps can make you money
gotgas.ca will pay you up to $450 a month if you are willing to have your car wrapped in an advertisement.
Sounds like a great deal...and what do I care...I won’t have to look at the coke bottle I’ll be driving.....
The one catch? You have to drive a gazzillon clicks a month.
Kind of fucks up the km’s on your lease doesn’t it? Not to mention the money they pay you will just go to the gas you need to drive around anyway......oh yeah sign me up.
Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Mohammeds
The police raided the homes of a suspected Canadian terrorist cell this week, arresting those involved.
It is believed the al-Qaeda-like operation had designs on causing havoc in the southern Ontario region, mainly with attacks on the CN Tower and the transit system.
Perhaps they even had plans to launch an attack on the subway system last Monday, but were thwarted by the TTC wildcat strike and couldn’t get a bus downtown.
Give me a $100 on the bee
Did you know you could bet on the spelling bee? It's true. Vegas gave 4-9 odds the winner would be male, 3-9 he would be a geeky mofo, and an over-under of 10.5 letters on the winning word.
The winner was 13 year-old Katharine Close who correctly spelled "ursprache."
Everyone seemed to be fuckin' nuts and pissin' crazy over this whole deal. So much so, I thought I would start the first annual Strangedaze Spelling Bee. You are all welcome to participate......here goes.
Spell for me the word, "fucoxanthin.".........Hey! You cheated!
This isn't going to work at all.
New release this week: AFI- December Underground
But I recommend: Tex Williams- Smoke, Smoke, SmokeBut you can't listen to it in an enclosed area.....you have been warned.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
An end to the May madness
You know what I love most about the first day back from a long weekend?
It’s all the crazy stories of idiot drivers who are pulled over in their rush north to cottage country.
The hands down winner this time has to be the truck loaded with 15 family members, none of whom had a driver’s licence.
The vehicle was pulled over in a torrential downpour for speeding where police found two of the trucks occupants operating the windshield wipers rigged up by string.
Look Ma no hands
So we understand it's not just Canadian drivers: A New Zealand man was charged for reckless driving when police pulled him over for driving with his feet, one on the steering wheel, the other to work the pedals.
They also found the poor chap was born without any arms.
Although he didn’t possess a driver’s licence either, the man complained he’d been driving for years and has never had an accident. Regardless he will be charged.
Ya know I’ve been searching for a woman like that.......no, not born without any arms......
A woman who........no, not from New Zealand and minus a valid driver’s permit......would you let me finish!......
A woman who can drive with her feet.
In other news
The Toronto Raptors won the 1st pick in this year’s NBA draft lottery..........yeah I thought as much.
The Country Music Awards were given out this..........Yeah I thought as much.
The newest American Idol was crowned, as Taylor Hicks.......Yeah I thought as much.
God must really hate Indonesians
First , a family of 5 died from the bird flu strain H5N1 in Jakarta. Then, the area is hit hard with a massive earthquake. Indonesia.....isn't that where the Tsunami was? What a tourist hot bed!
Good thing Pitt and Jolie didn’t decide to have their baby there instead of Namibia. Probably would have squeezed out Damian son of the devil instead of their new daughter little Shiloh.
Hung like a horse
Triple Crown hopeful Barbaro suffered a career ending injury moments into the Preakness Stakes last saturday. The horse fractured his ankle and required surgery believed to be life threatening.
Any chance someone from Indonesia owns this horse?
However, as the week progressed, the stallion made a miraculous recovery and will now be put out to stud.
Jesus, if I had a debilitating ailment, or had no arms and drove with my feet, I’d probably make a significant recovery too, if I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days fucking when I wanted.
Dudleys do right
Looks like the Mounties will finally get their man as two male RCMP will wed next month.
Gives a new meaning to the title of "Mountie" doesn’t it? I was always curious about the way the pants they wear, stood out.
The event however, is being kept hush-hush, as to avoid any unpleasant comments and embarrassment for the Harper government who openly oppose the same sex marriage bill brought in by the former Liberal Government.
Meanwhile the marriage will take place in June at an undisclosed location in a Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.
How many undisclosed locations can there be in Yarmouth? Honestly.
The yolks on you
The age old question of, "What came first the chicken or the egg," was answered this week with the oval shell crowned the resounding winner.
A Geneticist, Philosopher, and Chicken Farmer all agreed, the egg had to come first.....shush! Don’t tell the Creationists.....besides God’s too busy trying to kill Indonesians to care.
Bububu...beer, beer, beer, beer
Edmonton advanced to the Stanley Cup final for the first time since 1992, by defeating Anaheim 2-1 last night. They await the winner of the Buffalo, Carolina series.
However, Edmonton’s greatest fear is not who they will face for Lord Stanley's prize, but running out of beer. In fact, it almost happened during their Western Final.
As I understand it, they have nothing to worry about. The Indian guides have been dispatched and new shipments are on there way by dogsled and canoe, as we speak.
Catatonic television
A new reality show will feature homeless contestants thrust together in the same living quarters. They will have to eat from bowls on the floor and relieve themselves in litter boxes. It is believed this will be the first reality show of it’s kind....for cats.
The felines will be monitored through cameras and each week a panel of judges will give one puss the boot.
The ultimate winner gets a contract with Purina. I guess the losers end up in a Chinese restaurant.....I wonder how long the lines will be for the auditions?
New release this week: Les Claypool- Of Whales and Woe
But I recommend: The Handless Organist......
....but does she drive with her feet?
...shush! Don't tell the Creationists.
It’s all the crazy stories of idiot drivers who are pulled over in their rush north to cottage country.
The hands down winner this time has to be the truck loaded with 15 family members, none of whom had a driver’s licence.
The vehicle was pulled over in a torrential downpour for speeding where police found two of the trucks occupants operating the windshield wipers rigged up by string.
Look Ma no hands
So we understand it's not just Canadian drivers: A New Zealand man was charged for reckless driving when police pulled him over for driving with his feet, one on the steering wheel, the other to work the pedals.
They also found the poor chap was born without any arms.
Although he didn’t possess a driver’s licence either, the man complained he’d been driving for years and has never had an accident. Regardless he will be charged.
Ya know I’ve been searching for a woman like that.......no, not born without any arms......
A woman who........no, not from New Zealand and minus a valid driver’s permit......would you let me finish!......
A woman who can drive with her feet.
In other news
The Toronto Raptors won the 1st pick in this year’s NBA draft lottery..........yeah I thought as much.
The Country Music Awards were given out this..........Yeah I thought as much.
The newest American Idol was crowned, as Taylor Hicks.......Yeah I thought as much.
God must really hate Indonesians
First , a family of 5 died from the bird flu strain H5N1 in Jakarta. Then, the area is hit hard with a massive earthquake. Indonesia.....isn't that where the Tsunami was? What a tourist hot bed!
Good thing Pitt and Jolie didn’t decide to have their baby there instead of Namibia. Probably would have squeezed out Damian son of the devil instead of their new daughter little Shiloh.
Hung like a horse
Triple Crown hopeful Barbaro suffered a career ending injury moments into the Preakness Stakes last saturday. The horse fractured his ankle and required surgery believed to be life threatening.
Any chance someone from Indonesia owns this horse?
However, as the week progressed, the stallion made a miraculous recovery and will now be put out to stud.
Jesus, if I had a debilitating ailment, or had no arms and drove with my feet, I’d probably make a significant recovery too, if I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days fucking when I wanted.
Dudleys do right
Looks like the Mounties will finally get their man as two male RCMP will wed next month.
Gives a new meaning to the title of "Mountie" doesn’t it? I was always curious about the way the pants they wear, stood out.
The event however, is being kept hush-hush, as to avoid any unpleasant comments and embarrassment for the Harper government who openly oppose the same sex marriage bill brought in by the former Liberal Government.
Meanwhile the marriage will take place in June at an undisclosed location in a Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.
How many undisclosed locations can there be in Yarmouth? Honestly.
The yolks on you
The age old question of, "What came first the chicken or the egg," was answered this week with the oval shell crowned the resounding winner.
A Geneticist, Philosopher, and Chicken Farmer all agreed, the egg had to come first.....shush! Don’t tell the Creationists.....besides God’s too busy trying to kill Indonesians to care.
Bububu...beer, beer, beer, beer
Edmonton advanced to the Stanley Cup final for the first time since 1992, by defeating Anaheim 2-1 last night. They await the winner of the Buffalo, Carolina series.
However, Edmonton’s greatest fear is not who they will face for Lord Stanley's prize, but running out of beer. In fact, it almost happened during their Western Final.
As I understand it, they have nothing to worry about. The Indian guides have been dispatched and new shipments are on there way by dogsled and canoe, as we speak.
Catatonic television
A new reality show will feature homeless contestants thrust together in the same living quarters. They will have to eat from bowls on the floor and relieve themselves in litter boxes. It is believed this will be the first reality show of it’s kind....for cats.
The felines will be monitored through cameras and each week a panel of judges will give one puss the boot.
The ultimate winner gets a contract with Purina. I guess the losers end up in a Chinese restaurant.....I wonder how long the lines will be for the auditions?
New release this week: Les Claypool- Of Whales and Woe
But I recommend: The Handless Organist..........but does she drive with her feet?
...shush! Don't tell the Creationists.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The May two-four
So, it’s the unofficial start of summer and the first long weekend of mass exodus to cottage country is here. On the hyways plugged to capacity you can see everything from beer fridges and picnic tables, to big screen televisions and queen-sized mattresses, sitting in the back of trailers. All broken down at the side of the road.....And don't get me started on the boats.
With a bang
The DaVinci Code opened this week with the swirling winds of controversy, as Catholics were warned not to see the movie. The film makers applauded all the free publicity, mainly because it kept the attention off the fact the movie sucks!
With a whimper
McCartney and Mills are splitsville after 4 years of matrimonial flatulence. With Sir Paul’s worth somewhere around the billion dollar mark, it should be quite a divorce settlement. Wonder if he gets to keep the leg?
The only problem with Mexico is all the damn Mexicans
President Bush has decided to tighten security across the Mexican border in hopes to curb the porous illegal immigration from that country. With news of the deployment of National Guards to the area, many wondered if Canada would be next.
Yeah so many Canadians with bed rolls on there heads are sneaking into North Dakota from Saskatchewan.
Iraq-naphobia
As disapproval for the ongoing campaign in Iraq escalates, the presidential rating continues to fall faster than Brittany Speer’s offspring. This week it reached an historical low of 33%.
George Bush’s rating has plummeted? I’m shocked and stunned.
Most of the public believe they have never witnessed a worse leader in the White House.
I don’t know about that. Have you seen 24? President Logan is pretty inept.
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Ever wonder who’s the best at dishing out the autographs with a minimum of insults and punches?
Well my friends, that would be Mr. Johnny Depp. On the flip side, Cameron Diaz will not only lecture you about the evils of collecting celeb signatures, she’ll beat you about the gonads with a prickly iron bar, while her body guards catcall in unison, "Loser!"
Big Fish in a little pond?
Over the past few weeks rumors have persisted, Miami Dolphin's suspended runningback Ricky Williams, is negotiating with the Toronto Argos.
According to Sports Illustrated all that is needed to complete the deal, is the Argos to sign a form guaranteeing they will release Williams by the end of the season.
Personally I don’t know if this is going to happen or not, but they better do something fast before Ricky finds out all the really good weed is in B.C.
I thought you didn’t wear leather?
A new study shows younger women are becoming increasingly addicted to tanning beds. So much so, it now has a medical term, "Tanorexia".
And this, all in an effort to look sexy for us slubbas.....
Really Honey you didn’t have to....the breast implants, injected lips, bikini wax, sex with your sister was all I needed.
Hide the Hoffa
Law enforcement agents are searching a farm on the outskirts of Detroit this week. New intell points to this location as the burial place for legendary Teemster's boss Jimmy Hoffa.
So far the only remains found, have been have been a partially masticated squirrel, a mummified diseased woodchuck, and the bones of a hamster in a shoe box marked "Little Willie."
998....999....1000....Ready or not here we come.....
Gator bowl
Three women have been killed in Florida over the past 10 days by alligators. However local officials feel they have captured and slaughtered the beast responsible for the rampage as the remains of one of the victims was found in the stomach contents along with....well....will ya look at that.....Jimmy Hoffa.
Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
Iran has instituted a policy where people, of faiths other than Muslim, will be forced to wear colored badges to distinguish themselves from the true faith.
Not since Nazi Germany has there been such an extreme system constituted.
Jews will were red, Christians, white and Catholics, big funny hats. Gays have to wear pink......
Naw, just kidding........gays will be shot on sight.
Pick of the litter
NHL hockey playoffs round 3.
First, let's review my picks from last series. I believe I said if you have some serious cash to wager, bet on a Buffalo- Carolina/ Edmonton- Anaheim conference final.......look at me. I'm a frickin' genius!......We won't discuss the statement was made as a complete contradiction to my original picks.
This time I'm just going to flip a coin........(Flip)........Buffalo vs Edmonton in the final.
New this week: The Walkmen- A hundred miles off
....but I recommend.....
Walking and Dreaming by Orleans
It's an oldie, but a goodie. What better way to kick off summer than with a bunch of naked guys, most with facial hair, who look happy as hell to be touching each other......I'm sold.
With a bang
The DaVinci Code opened this week with the swirling winds of controversy, as Catholics were warned not to see the movie. The film makers applauded all the free publicity, mainly because it kept the attention off the fact the movie sucks!
With a whimper
McCartney and Mills are splitsville after 4 years of matrimonial flatulence. With Sir Paul’s worth somewhere around the billion dollar mark, it should be quite a divorce settlement. Wonder if he gets to keep the leg?
The only problem with Mexico is all the damn Mexicans
President Bush has decided to tighten security across the Mexican border in hopes to curb the porous illegal immigration from that country. With news of the deployment of National Guards to the area, many wondered if Canada would be next.
Yeah so many Canadians with bed rolls on there heads are sneaking into North Dakota from Saskatchewan.
Iraq-naphobia
As disapproval for the ongoing campaign in Iraq escalates, the presidential rating continues to fall faster than Brittany Speer’s offspring. This week it reached an historical low of 33%.
George Bush’s rating has plummeted? I’m shocked and stunned.
Most of the public believe they have never witnessed a worse leader in the White House.
I don’t know about that. Have you seen 24? President Logan is pretty inept.
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Ever wonder who’s the best at dishing out the autographs with a minimum of insults and punches?
Well my friends, that would be Mr. Johnny Depp. On the flip side, Cameron Diaz will not only lecture you about the evils of collecting celeb signatures, she’ll beat you about the gonads with a prickly iron bar, while her body guards catcall in unison, "Loser!"
Big Fish in a little pond?
Over the past few weeks rumors have persisted, Miami Dolphin's suspended runningback Ricky Williams, is negotiating with the Toronto Argos.
According to Sports Illustrated all that is needed to complete the deal, is the Argos to sign a form guaranteeing they will release Williams by the end of the season.
Personally I don’t know if this is going to happen or not, but they better do something fast before Ricky finds out all the really good weed is in B.C.
I thought you didn’t wear leather?
A new study shows younger women are becoming increasingly addicted to tanning beds. So much so, it now has a medical term, "Tanorexia".
And this, all in an effort to look sexy for us slubbas.....
Really Honey you didn’t have to....the breast implants, injected lips, bikini wax, sex with your sister was all I needed.
Hide the Hoffa
Law enforcement agents are searching a farm on the outskirts of Detroit this week. New intell points to this location as the burial place for legendary Teemster's boss Jimmy Hoffa.
So far the only remains found, have been have been a partially masticated squirrel, a mummified diseased woodchuck, and the bones of a hamster in a shoe box marked "Little Willie."
998....999....1000....Ready or not here we come.....
Gator bowl
Three women have been killed in Florida over the past 10 days by alligators. However local officials feel they have captured and slaughtered the beast responsible for the rampage as the remains of one of the victims was found in the stomach contents along with....well....will ya look at that.....Jimmy Hoffa.
Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
Iran has instituted a policy where people, of faiths other than Muslim, will be forced to wear colored badges to distinguish themselves from the true faith.
Not since Nazi Germany has there been such an extreme system constituted.
Jews will were red, Christians, white and Catholics, big funny hats. Gays have to wear pink......
Naw, just kidding........gays will be shot on sight.
Pick of the litter
NHL hockey playoffs round 3.
First, let's review my picks from last series. I believe I said if you have some serious cash to wager, bet on a Buffalo- Carolina/ Edmonton- Anaheim conference final.......look at me. I'm a frickin' genius!......We won't discuss the statement was made as a complete contradiction to my original picks.
This time I'm just going to flip a coin........(Flip)........Buffalo vs Edmonton in the final.
New this week: The Walkmen- A hundred miles off....but I recommend.....
Walking and Dreaming by OrleansIt's an oldie, but a goodie. What better way to kick off summer than with a bunch of naked guys, most with facial hair, who look happy as hell to be touching each other......I'm sold.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
This week's a wash
First, I'd like to say,"Happy baby momma's day" to all the mothers out there. Whether you're already a mother, or aspiring to be a mother, or you just hear the word "MOTHER...!" after you cut someone off while driving, this day is for you.
I had an abundance of things to post this week....nay a plethora....however.....
You see, everyday I hear little tidbits I feel, you my reader, would enjoy reading about. So I jot those notes down on a small piece of paper.
By the weekend I’m ready to transfer those notes to the computer screen and organize into a ball making up my weekly Blog....it’s all very high tech.....well maybe not....
There are considerations that must be made.....what story to lead off with, congruent flow, comedic call backs . Contrary to popular belief, it’s not as simple as hiding your beef syringe in some chicks sausage wallet.
Unfortunately, this week I was caught in a torrential downpour on wednesday and my little "high-tech" slip of paper became saturated. The notes melted into a pool of runny black ink. Thus, anything I heard the first part of the week was lost in a puddle of literary mud.
Being the trooper I am I will try to decipher the contents of those notes and post them verbatim anyway. So here goes...
Nibbly weegly wasshga
Argububa...grumfuscatose..simleebence (ha,ha,ha), cormadendink forbagorse latwimbleweed. Furthermore, jimstankablink, purblincabee, kuzstolenfrancenwurmern. Arrrrgh! Quaf! God damnit......If you disagree just say so.....codlightard mufumagoom.
If he only had a brain
Much concern now surrounds the health of Keith Richards who is believed to have brain damage after he fell out of a coconut tree last week. Apparently the elderly rocker has been mumbling incoherently since his tumble, (see previous blog ramble above.)
I have just one question. Has no one listened to this guy speak before he damaged his melon? The only one who could understand him before was Ozzy everything else has always been lost in translation.
The Stones have postponed the next leg of their European tour until a more accurate assessment can be made....or maybe they just don’t want to tour with Guns & Roses.
GNR DOA
Axle and the boys are rumored to finally be releasing their "Chinese Democracy" album after ten years in the making. Whispers also swirl around the return of Slash and Izzy to the fold.
Guys! It's been over since "The Spaghetti Incident". Move on....live on royalties.....pleeeeease!
You can pick your nose, now you can also pick your teeth
Every wonder why the British have such rotten teeth? A survey released this week stated the Brits admitted to removing food from their teeth with sharp items such as needles, pens, knives, and screwdrivers.
Is there no such thing as dental floss in the UK?.....hmmm Phillips or Robertson?
I need some alone time with myself.
Scientists believe men have a gene dating back to our primitive ancestors making us crave alone time, either by ourselves, (basements, garages, toilets), or with other men, (strip-clubs, poker games, prison.) Funny, they didn't mention the womb. I know I spend a fair bit of my time trying to get back in there.
Painted into a corner
Several would-be vigilantes from Virginia were arrested while on a trip to New York. It seems the youthful rapscallions thought it would be funny to drop full paint cans, ( Rose Periwinkle: Benjamin Moore Classic Collection), from their hotel room window onto the roofs of police cars below.
Too bad the hotel was located directly next to a precinct.
I’ve often wondered if I would fit in, living in a place like Virginia....now I know. I’d be right at home.
New release this week: Hoobastank- Every man for himself
But I recommend:
Zip Zap Rap by Devastatin Dave the Turntable Slave.....with a name like that, what more do you need?
I had an abundance of things to post this week....nay a plethora....however.....
You see, everyday I hear little tidbits I feel, you my reader, would enjoy reading about. So I jot those notes down on a small piece of paper.
By the weekend I’m ready to transfer those notes to the computer screen and organize into a ball making up my weekly Blog....it’s all very high tech.....well maybe not....
There are considerations that must be made.....what story to lead off with, congruent flow, comedic call backs . Contrary to popular belief, it’s not as simple as hiding your beef syringe in some chicks sausage wallet.
Unfortunately, this week I was caught in a torrential downpour on wednesday and my little "high-tech" slip of paper became saturated. The notes melted into a pool of runny black ink. Thus, anything I heard the first part of the week was lost in a puddle of literary mud.
Being the trooper I am I will try to decipher the contents of those notes and post them verbatim anyway. So here goes...
Nibbly weegly wasshga
Argububa...grumfuscatose..simleebence (ha,ha,ha), cormadendink forbagorse latwimbleweed. Furthermore, jimstankablink, purblincabee, kuzstolenfrancenwurmern. Arrrrgh! Quaf! God damnit......If you disagree just say so.....codlightard mufumagoom.
If he only had a brain
Much concern now surrounds the health of Keith Richards who is believed to have brain damage after he fell out of a coconut tree last week. Apparently the elderly rocker has been mumbling incoherently since his tumble, (see previous blog ramble above.)
I have just one question. Has no one listened to this guy speak before he damaged his melon? The only one who could understand him before was Ozzy everything else has always been lost in translation.
The Stones have postponed the next leg of their European tour until a more accurate assessment can be made....or maybe they just don’t want to tour with Guns & Roses.
GNR DOA
Axle and the boys are rumored to finally be releasing their "Chinese Democracy" album after ten years in the making. Whispers also swirl around the return of Slash and Izzy to the fold.
Guys! It's been over since "The Spaghetti Incident". Move on....live on royalties.....pleeeeease!
You can pick your nose, now you can also pick your teeth
Every wonder why the British have such rotten teeth? A survey released this week stated the Brits admitted to removing food from their teeth with sharp items such as needles, pens, knives, and screwdrivers.
Is there no such thing as dental floss in the UK?.....hmmm Phillips or Robertson?
I need some alone time with myself.
Scientists believe men have a gene dating back to our primitive ancestors making us crave alone time, either by ourselves, (basements, garages, toilets), or with other men, (strip-clubs, poker games, prison.) Funny, they didn't mention the womb. I know I spend a fair bit of my time trying to get back in there.
Painted into a corner
Several would-be vigilantes from Virginia were arrested while on a trip to New York. It seems the youthful rapscallions thought it would be funny to drop full paint cans, ( Rose Periwinkle: Benjamin Moore Classic Collection), from their hotel room window onto the roofs of police cars below.
Too bad the hotel was located directly next to a precinct.
I’ve often wondered if I would fit in, living in a place like Virginia....now I know. I’d be right at home.
New release this week: Hoobastank- Every man for himself
But I recommend:
Zip Zap Rap by Devastatin Dave the Turntable Slave.....with a name like that, what more do you need?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Countdown to Armageddon
6.6.6
For all those pregnant women out there, I’d like to say, better hurry and push em out. June 6th of 06 is only a month away and you don’t want to give birth to the spawn of Satan....or do you?
Bun in the oven
Speaking of preggers, Anna Nicole Smith has joined the ranks with Brittany Speers, by falling onto someone's penis. She's obviously too stupid to do it any other way. She is now rumoured to be in a family way. If that's not bad enough a 63 year old woman in the UK is slated to give birth in the coming months as well.
All I have to say is, someone has to stop K-Fed before he procreates the world.....He must be stopped damn it!
Shaken but not stirred
There was a 2.7 magnitude earthquake in Oakville this week, located on the westside of Toronto and not too far from Mitchieville. I’ll admit as far as tremors go 2.7 is fairly low. The people in California, I can hear you yawning from here.
Surprisingly, as Canadians we also showed little fanfare over the incident. Apparently no beer bottles were broken so it’s all good.
Rabbit season...duck season...rabbit season
Ah....the spring time...love is in the air with the smell of new mown grass, the tops are down on sports cars and some women, and hunting season has begun. In Toronto this means it's open season on cab drivers as this week several assaults and stabbings took place. There was even a police officer shot and killed in Windsor by two punks who thought he was a cabbie.
Very Lucky
An accountant....ok, former accountant, in Quebec became the richest single winner in Canadian lottery history by pocketing 30 million in last week’s Super 7 draw. The record could fall this week with a new jackpot of 35 million.
But you have as much a chance of winning as you have of catching an STD from a cat, or getting struck by lightning while reciting Robbie Burns’ "Address to the Haggis" covered in the sun-baked reek of mud and alfalfa sprouts, or having me come to your house and defecate on your shoes.....actually there’s a really good chance of that last one. Just let me know where you live.
Very Unlucky or perhaps luckier
Earlier this week a piece of an airplane wing fell from the sky and demolished an SUV in a Mississauga parking lot. It happened moments after the woman driving it, parked and got out.
Maybe she should buy a ticket in the next lottery?
The chances of this happening are 10, 000,000 to 1, or almost half as good as winning the 35 million Super 7, or having me defecate on your shoes.....honestly, just tell me where you live.
Very stupid
While on vacation in Fiji, Keith Richards fell out of coconut tree and suffered a slight concussion. After his release from hospital that same day he crashed a jet-ski.
What is with kids today?....Sounds like someone’s trying to get back on the leader board in the death pool.
Just Bring it
This was the cry heard in the city of Detroit before the NHL playoffs got under way. Note: To the Red Wing fans and their team which finished first overall and won the President's Trophy for doing so...... it’s been brought.
Oh my God the president has been impeached.
Actually I was looking like a frickin genius....A genius I tell ya...when I predicted Montreal to beat Carolina and the Oilers to take the Wings to seven games before bowing out. Sadly my first round ended in a flurry of mediocrity at 4-4. So far my 2nd round guesses don’t appear any brighter.
Ottawa vs Buffalo
I was at game 5 in Buffalo vs the Flyers and was impressed by the Sabres speed. However, Ottawa is a much faster and more skilled team than plodding Philadelphia and although the series will probably go 6, I don’t see Buffalo coming out victorious.
New Jersey vs Carolina
I’m not just saying this because I’m a Habs fan but, I can’t see any team beating the eventual Stanley Cup champs. The Devils are too hot, with the most experienced playoff goalie. Cam Ward just doesn’t rate that high after serving most of the season on the bench. Devils in 5
Anaheim vs Colorado
Anaheim went seven games to defeat Calgary in the 1st round and no team since the early nineties has done that and lived to see their name on the cup. Colorado is rested and Theodore has regained his form. Avalanche in 6
Edmonton vs San Jose
Should be a great series and go the distance, but the Oilers won their cup when they ousted Detroit. I just don’t see them mustering the same intensity against Joe Thornton and company
Sharks in 7
All this means is, if you have serious green, bet on a Buffalo vs Carolina / Anaheim vs Edmonton final.
New release this week: Tool-10,000 Days
But I recommend: Let me touch him by The Ministers Quartet
Yup, been a while since the release of a good pedo-audio-phile type recording. In fact, not since The Catholic Five gave us "Put the condom on the Bishop."
For all those pregnant women out there, I’d like to say, better hurry and push em out. June 6th of 06 is only a month away and you don’t want to give birth to the spawn of Satan....or do you?
Bun in the oven
Speaking of preggers, Anna Nicole Smith has joined the ranks with Brittany Speers, by falling onto someone's penis. She's obviously too stupid to do it any other way. She is now rumoured to be in a family way. If that's not bad enough a 63 year old woman in the UK is slated to give birth in the coming months as well.
All I have to say is, someone has to stop K-Fed before he procreates the world.....He must be stopped damn it!
Shaken but not stirred
There was a 2.7 magnitude earthquake in Oakville this week, located on the westside of Toronto and not too far from Mitchieville. I’ll admit as far as tremors go 2.7 is fairly low. The people in California, I can hear you yawning from here.
Surprisingly, as Canadians we also showed little fanfare over the incident. Apparently no beer bottles were broken so it’s all good.
Rabbit season...duck season...rabbit season
Ah....the spring time...love is in the air with the smell of new mown grass, the tops are down on sports cars and some women, and hunting season has begun. In Toronto this means it's open season on cab drivers as this week several assaults and stabbings took place. There was even a police officer shot and killed in Windsor by two punks who thought he was a cabbie.
Very Lucky
An accountant....ok, former accountant, in Quebec became the richest single winner in Canadian lottery history by pocketing 30 million in last week’s Super 7 draw. The record could fall this week with a new jackpot of 35 million.
But you have as much a chance of winning as you have of catching an STD from a cat, or getting struck by lightning while reciting Robbie Burns’ "Address to the Haggis" covered in the sun-baked reek of mud and alfalfa sprouts, or having me come to your house and defecate on your shoes.....actually there’s a really good chance of that last one. Just let me know where you live.
Very Unlucky or perhaps luckier
Earlier this week a piece of an airplane wing fell from the sky and demolished an SUV in a Mississauga parking lot. It happened moments after the woman driving it, parked and got out.
Maybe she should buy a ticket in the next lottery?
The chances of this happening are 10, 000,000 to 1, or almost half as good as winning the 35 million Super 7, or having me defecate on your shoes.....honestly, just tell me where you live.
Very stupid
While on vacation in Fiji, Keith Richards fell out of coconut tree and suffered a slight concussion. After his release from hospital that same day he crashed a jet-ski.
What is with kids today?....Sounds like someone’s trying to get back on the leader board in the death pool.
Just Bring it
This was the cry heard in the city of Detroit before the NHL playoffs got under way. Note: To the Red Wing fans and their team which finished first overall and won the President's Trophy for doing so...... it’s been brought.
Oh my God the president has been impeached.
Actually I was looking like a frickin genius....A genius I tell ya...when I predicted Montreal to beat Carolina and the Oilers to take the Wings to seven games before bowing out. Sadly my first round ended in a flurry of mediocrity at 4-4. So far my 2nd round guesses don’t appear any brighter.
Ottawa vs Buffalo
I was at game 5 in Buffalo vs the Flyers and was impressed by the Sabres speed. However, Ottawa is a much faster and more skilled team than plodding Philadelphia and although the series will probably go 6, I don’t see Buffalo coming out victorious.
New Jersey vs Carolina
I’m not just saying this because I’m a Habs fan but, I can’t see any team beating the eventual Stanley Cup champs. The Devils are too hot, with the most experienced playoff goalie. Cam Ward just doesn’t rate that high after serving most of the season on the bench. Devils in 5
Anaheim vs Colorado
Anaheim went seven games to defeat Calgary in the 1st round and no team since the early nineties has done that and lived to see their name on the cup. Colorado is rested and Theodore has regained his form. Avalanche in 6
Edmonton vs San Jose
Should be a great series and go the distance, but the Oilers won their cup when they ousted Detroit. I just don’t see them mustering the same intensity against Joe Thornton and company
Sharks in 7
All this means is, if you have serious green, bet on a Buffalo vs Carolina / Anaheim vs Edmonton final.
New release this week: Tool-10,000 Days
But I recommend: Let me touch him by The Ministers QuartetYup, been a while since the release of a good pedo-audio-phile type recording. In fact, not since The Catholic Five gave us "Put the condom on the Bishop."
Saturday, April 29, 2006
A flat-ulent week
I don’t have much to post this week. It’s not that there wasn’t a lot going on. There was the usual stabbings, deaths, road closures, out of control taxation, moribund movie releases, the Stones not giving up their hotel suite in Vienna for President Bush etc. You know same-old-same-old.
It was the mundane array of things vastly contributing to a crumbling infrastructure and the quality of bumper-to-bumper existence. But for most of the week I had my hands pressed tightly over my ears. "La...la...la...I’m not listening."
So I will do my best to throw together the few tidbits managing to filter through my fleshy ear muffs.
Beans beans: Now just good for your heart
That’s right my faithful readership. Science has perfected the perfect flatulent free bean, just for you. It’s all about you isn’t it?
Think about it. Whoopie cushions will cease to exist. No longer will your experience those embarrassing moments during oral sex, the red-faced handshake at important business meetings, the foul odor in elevators, in broom closets, in Chinese restaurants....ok scratch the last one....but you see what I mean?
Got milk
A study released this week stated, women who drink more milk will have normal babies where as those who don’t run the chance of undersized, hideous creations with twelve toes...on one foot, and an arsehole in the middle of their forehead.
I think the study was brought to you by the manufacturers of milk if I’m not mistaken.
Speaking of milk....
Brittany the baby factory
Really do you need anymore details? Usually it’s one more mouth to feed, now it’s one more to drop on it’s head.
My car’s on the pill
With the increase in fuel prices be wary of internet ads touting the gas pill for your car. It is said one of these pills in your tank will help improve performance and mileage while leaving you engine sparkling clean and smelling of mint.
When tested the results showed a less than 3% increase in over all performance and the exhaust emitting an olfactory property closer to the scrotal sack of an African dung beetle, but there were no signs of pregnancy.....speaking of which.....see previous story.
You’re flying low
In the wake of another four dead Canadian soldiers returning from Afghanistan this week, a controversy brewed in the nation's capitol....that’s Ottawa for those of you who don’t know....It’s in Ontario....A province in Canada.....The country just above the United States....you know....hockey....curling....William Shatner....oh, never mind!
The argument was over whether the flag should be lowered to half-mast every time a soldier is killed. The debate presented two strong arguments.
One side sighting, "It’s a Wonderful Life," and the whole every time an angel gets his wings thing.
The other, "The yo-yo effect." I mean can you imagine the U.S. lowering the flag every time they lost one of their own in Iraq. The damn flag would be up and down so much the pole would have an orgasm.
David vs Goliath
A Montreal amusement park is looking for 72 brave souls to ride their new coaster "Goliath."
Willing participants must be high to ride.....no wait...it say "this high" and there’s a measurement....who cares.....
You must also have "David" as a given name and be able to shit your pants at 110 MPH. Better start chowin’ down on those beans.
This week's new release: Pearl Jam
But I recommend......Which begs the question. Will there be another album now that all his friends are dead?
It was the mundane array of things vastly contributing to a crumbling infrastructure and the quality of bumper-to-bumper existence. But for most of the week I had my hands pressed tightly over my ears. "La...la...la...I’m not listening."
So I will do my best to throw together the few tidbits managing to filter through my fleshy ear muffs.
Beans beans: Now just good for your heart
That’s right my faithful readership. Science has perfected the perfect flatulent free bean, just for you. It’s all about you isn’t it?
Think about it. Whoopie cushions will cease to exist. No longer will your experience those embarrassing moments during oral sex, the red-faced handshake at important business meetings, the foul odor in elevators, in broom closets, in Chinese restaurants....ok scratch the last one....but you see what I mean?
Got milk
A study released this week stated, women who drink more milk will have normal babies where as those who don’t run the chance of undersized, hideous creations with twelve toes...on one foot, and an arsehole in the middle of their forehead.
I think the study was brought to you by the manufacturers of milk if I’m not mistaken.
Speaking of milk....
Brittany the baby factory
Really do you need anymore details? Usually it’s one more mouth to feed, now it’s one more to drop on it’s head.
My car’s on the pill
With the increase in fuel prices be wary of internet ads touting the gas pill for your car. It is said one of these pills in your tank will help improve performance and mileage while leaving you engine sparkling clean and smelling of mint.
When tested the results showed a less than 3% increase in over all performance and the exhaust emitting an olfactory property closer to the scrotal sack of an African dung beetle, but there were no signs of pregnancy.....speaking of which.....see previous story.
You’re flying low
In the wake of another four dead Canadian soldiers returning from Afghanistan this week, a controversy brewed in the nation's capitol....that’s Ottawa for those of you who don’t know....It’s in Ontario....A province in Canada.....The country just above the United States....you know....hockey....curling....William Shatner....oh, never mind!
The argument was over whether the flag should be lowered to half-mast every time a soldier is killed. The debate presented two strong arguments.
One side sighting, "It’s a Wonderful Life," and the whole every time an angel gets his wings thing.
The other, "The yo-yo effect." I mean can you imagine the U.S. lowering the flag every time they lost one of their own in Iraq. The damn flag would be up and down so much the pole would have an orgasm.
David vs Goliath
A Montreal amusement park is looking for 72 brave souls to ride their new coaster "Goliath."
Willing participants must be high to ride.....no wait...it say "this high" and there’s a measurement....who cares.....
You must also have "David" as a given name and be able to shit your pants at 110 MPH. Better start chowin’ down on those beans.
This week's new release: Pearl Jam
But I recommend......Which begs the question. Will there be another album now that all his friends are dead?
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Mindless links day
You know what I haven't done for a long time?.........the title gave it away, didn't it?........Yup. A mindless links day. Just a bunch of crap to take your mind off those rainy , shitty, days when all you can do is sit in front of the computer playing online poker against a bunch of frickin all-in assholes who's idea of strategy is to play lotto poker on every hand!.....enough said.
In honour of Mitchieville, another fireworks disaster. Who had the Dutch in the pool?.......Bueller?....Anyone?
What better way to waste a lazy, sexless, Sunday afternoon, than watch the dead decompose?
My favourite T-shirt, at the moment.
Classic game show blooper.
There. Wasn't that fun? The only thing missing was midgets kick-boxing......Oh wait! Midgets kick-boxing.
In honour of Mitchieville, another fireworks disaster. Who had the Dutch in the pool?.......Bueller?....Anyone?
What better way to waste a lazy, sexless, Sunday afternoon, than watch the dead decompose?
My favourite T-shirt, at the moment.
Classic game show blooper.
There. Wasn't that fun? The only thing missing was midgets kick-boxing......Oh wait! Midgets kick-boxing.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
A whirlwind week
Alright. Hang on. Busy week. Lots to cover. Births and birthdays, ugly to the thugly, firings, suits, the rich to the poor, the sexy to the unsexy....if you will. It all starts here.
Mission accomplished
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl, which by now, everyone in the galaxy knows except for GIGC who said, "What Katie Holmes was pregnant....no way!"
They named her "Suri" which is supposed to mean "Princess" in Hebrew. Now, this is news to the Jews, because that’s not what it means according to them. However, don’t be distressed there are other cultures to cover the meaning of "Suri." In Japan, "suri" means "pick-pocket." In India it means "needle nose". In the depths of the Congo it means "one who eats placentas."
Hey there’s even a type of alpaca called a suri if the first three don’t appeal to you.
Brooke shields also gave birth the same day, in the same hospital, in the same....who gives a fuck.
BTW....Did Tom ever eat the placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
Home, home on the streets....
Toronto did a homeless head count this week. The Mayor....no the other one....sent out volunteers with questionaires and $5 food vouchers to find out what the homeless actually need to make their life better.
How about something other than a big screen TV box to live in? Idiots!....geesh!
No swans here
A list of the world's unsexiest men was released this week. Among the high rankers. MLB pitching ace Randy Johnson, Gilbert Gottfried, Mr. child molester himself, M.J., and Osama bin Laden.
The others I can see, but Osama? Come on! He reeks of sexiness.
Osama wash that beard!
Gas attendants have nothing on the plate
The first thing you know Old Akmed’s a billionaire....
As you know oil has sky-rocketed leading to higher gas prices and drivers doing the "gas and dash." They’ve even been removing their licence plates before filling up at the pumps.
I find it confounding, people will steal $40-$80 in gasoline yet think nothing of paying $150 for running shoes that cost $5 to make.
Everybody out of the pool
The Queen turned 80 yesterday. Why won’t she die?
Between her and Hefner, who also turned 80 earlier this month, I’m losing a lot of dough in the death pool. Time to put my money on a Kennedy or Bob Denver.....what? Bob's dead already....God damn it! Sorry about that little buddy.
A little girl stole my SUV
A court invoked the age old law of "finders keepers" this week, as a little girl was allowed to keep the SUV she won in the Tim Horton's "roll up the rim" contest, after finding the discarded cup in the waste basket at her school.
Despite claims by a school janitor who contested he bought the coffee in the first place, and a friend of the girl seeking 50% of the value for helping her roll up the rim, the judge awarded the prize to the finder.
Just make sure you remove the plates before you gas up.
It’s official Julia Roberts sucks
Julia Roberts foray into theater was not so well received, as critics panned her performance in "Three Days of Rain," as lacking luster and personality. Seems pretty woman was pretty dull.
Anyone know whether Julia ate Tomkittens placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
The science of the perfect butt
Another study, and apparently Jennifer Lopez’s junked up trunk is tops with those surveyed in the search for the perfect derriere. The calculations were also based on firmness, roundness, and overall appearance.
Who does these studies? What do they use to calculate, those NHL referee rulers that measure illegal curves on hockey sticks? Where do I go to get a job like this?
So much for getting loaded
Air Canada says it will cut out carrying glass wine bottles on their flights for the lighter tetra packs of vino.
The move will save AC a whopping....wait for it....$150 per year, per jet.....wow that’s some serious cash.....you could buy some new running shoes.
I have a better idea why don’t you have all your flyers take laxatives pre-flight to empty their bowels. Think of the weight differential in first class alone. We’re talking hundreds of pounds of shit per flight.
Goodbye Mighty Quinn
Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Quinn was fired this week. Yet, John Ferguson Jr. responsible for the same record as Quinn, remains.
Personally, Richard Peddie and Larry Tanenbaum are the real liabilities that have to be removed if this team is to move forward.
As for Ferguson....he’s a great hockey GM...just look at the wonderful job he’s done when he was with the now last place St. Louis Blues.
The only way Sundin is going to get his name on the cup is with another team.
Don’t just beat your meat put it on a bun
Meat as a condiment? Yup! Not bad enough you already have two all beef patties, let’s add a slab of steak on top.
That’s just what some fast food establishments are contemplating. The "big heart attack burger" would be a good name for it.
Why can’t they just fill it with caramel like Tim Horton’s is doing with everything?
Life’s a beach
The little borough of Toronto known as "The Beaches," will now be just "The Beach," as local residents voted 58% to change the name.
Ok...yes there is a beach there, so the name fits....but I feel it still doesn’t represent the truly diverse and beautiful aspects of the area.
I suggest before they have the street signs printed up they reconsider other names like. "The Dirty Syringe." "The Dead Hooker," or how about "Fecal Floater Point"?
New album out this week Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
But I recommend.........
A remarkable second effort, this album is even better than their first, "It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye....or Both," that just went "tin" in the deep south. Now touring with The Blind Boys of Alabama this group is destined for big things and it all starts with "Our Hearts Keep Singing."
Mission accomplished
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl, which by now, everyone in the galaxy knows except for GIGC who said, "What Katie Holmes was pregnant....no way!"
They named her "Suri" which is supposed to mean "Princess" in Hebrew. Now, this is news to the Jews, because that’s not what it means according to them. However, don’t be distressed there are other cultures to cover the meaning of "Suri." In Japan, "suri" means "pick-pocket." In India it means "needle nose". In the depths of the Congo it means "one who eats placentas."
Hey there’s even a type of alpaca called a suri if the first three don’t appeal to you.
Brooke shields also gave birth the same day, in the same hospital, in the same....who gives a fuck.
BTW....Did Tom ever eat the placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
Home, home on the streets....
Toronto did a homeless head count this week. The Mayor....no the other one....sent out volunteers with questionaires and $5 food vouchers to find out what the homeless actually need to make their life better.
How about something other than a big screen TV box to live in? Idiots!....geesh!
No swans here
A list of the world's unsexiest men was released this week. Among the high rankers. MLB pitching ace Randy Johnson, Gilbert Gottfried, Mr. child molester himself, M.J., and Osama bin Laden.
The others I can see, but Osama? Come on! He reeks of sexiness.
Osama wash that beard!
Gas attendants have nothing on the plate
The first thing you know Old Akmed’s a billionaire....
As you know oil has sky-rocketed leading to higher gas prices and drivers doing the "gas and dash." They’ve even been removing their licence plates before filling up at the pumps.
I find it confounding, people will steal $40-$80 in gasoline yet think nothing of paying $150 for running shoes that cost $5 to make.
Everybody out of the pool
The Queen turned 80 yesterday. Why won’t she die?
Between her and Hefner, who also turned 80 earlier this month, I’m losing a lot of dough in the death pool. Time to put my money on a Kennedy or Bob Denver.....what? Bob's dead already....God damn it! Sorry about that little buddy.
A little girl stole my SUV
A court invoked the age old law of "finders keepers" this week, as a little girl was allowed to keep the SUV she won in the Tim Horton's "roll up the rim" contest, after finding the discarded cup in the waste basket at her school.
Despite claims by a school janitor who contested he bought the coffee in the first place, and a friend of the girl seeking 50% of the value for helping her roll up the rim, the judge awarded the prize to the finder.
Just make sure you remove the plates before you gas up.
It’s official Julia Roberts sucks
Julia Roberts foray into theater was not so well received, as critics panned her performance in "Three Days of Rain," as lacking luster and personality. Seems pretty woman was pretty dull.
Anyone know whether Julia ate Tomkittens placenta? Someone get back to me on that.
The science of the perfect butt
Another study, and apparently Jennifer Lopez’s junked up trunk is tops with those surveyed in the search for the perfect derriere. The calculations were also based on firmness, roundness, and overall appearance.
Who does these studies? What do they use to calculate, those NHL referee rulers that measure illegal curves on hockey sticks? Where do I go to get a job like this?
So much for getting loaded
Air Canada says it will cut out carrying glass wine bottles on their flights for the lighter tetra packs of vino.
The move will save AC a whopping....wait for it....$150 per year, per jet.....wow that’s some serious cash.....you could buy some new running shoes.
I have a better idea why don’t you have all your flyers take laxatives pre-flight to empty their bowels. Think of the weight differential in first class alone. We’re talking hundreds of pounds of shit per flight.
Goodbye Mighty Quinn
Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Quinn was fired this week. Yet, John Ferguson Jr. responsible for the same record as Quinn, remains.
Personally, Richard Peddie and Larry Tanenbaum are the real liabilities that have to be removed if this team is to move forward.
As for Ferguson....he’s a great hockey GM...just look at the wonderful job he’s done when he was with the now last place St. Louis Blues.
The only way Sundin is going to get his name on the cup is with another team.
Don’t just beat your meat put it on a bun
Meat as a condiment? Yup! Not bad enough you already have two all beef patties, let’s add a slab of steak on top.
That’s just what some fast food establishments are contemplating. The "big heart attack burger" would be a good name for it.
Why can’t they just fill it with caramel like Tim Horton’s is doing with everything?
Life’s a beach
The little borough of Toronto known as "The Beaches," will now be just "The Beach," as local residents voted 58% to change the name.
Ok...yes there is a beach there, so the name fits....but I feel it still doesn’t represent the truly diverse and beautiful aspects of the area.
I suggest before they have the street signs printed up they reconsider other names like. "The Dirty Syringe." "The Dead Hooker," or how about "Fecal Floater Point"?
New album out this week Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
But I recommend.........A remarkable second effort, this album is even better than their first, "It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye....or Both," that just went "tin" in the deep south. Now touring with The Blind Boys of Alabama this group is destined for big things and it all starts with "Our Hearts Keep Singing."
Sunday, April 16, 2006
All Jesus Easter Sunday
To some Jesus was just a guy. To others, an excuse to vibrate and speak in tongues. To me Jesus is much more. He's an endless river of mirth and parody meant to make me smile. I'm not a guy who will sit through "The Passion of the Christ," but tell me you've rented, "The Jesus Chainsaw Masacre," "Fear and Loathing in Jerusalem," or "Dude, where's my cross," and I'll bring the beer.
With that in mind I present to you the All Jesus Easter Sunday which I guess, I gave you a taste of yesterday, when I posted the swearing Jesus.
Today we have:
If you can't trust the son of God who can you trust?
Checking out Jesus
Go deep Jesus!
Mr. Dressup
Happy Easter.
With that in mind I present to you the All Jesus Easter Sunday which I guess, I gave you a taste of yesterday, when I posted the swearing Jesus.
Today we have:
If you can't trust the son of God who can you trust?
Checking out Jesus
Go deep Jesus!
Mr. Dressup
Happy Easter.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Under the B
A man was mugged in Mitchieville for $1000.00 in bingo winnings by four angry women who’d been waiting on single numbers in a jackpot game. Now, GIGC likes to go play bingo on occasion and went the same night as this offense.
I became concerned, fearing she was somehow involved in this violent outburst, until I discovered the posse of would-be vigilantes were all under five feet and not one registered under 200 lbs before they made off with their ill-gotten booty, albeit very slowly.
Unfortunately for the victim, he died of a heart attack soon after the beating, collapsing in the bingo hall after being repeatedly dabbed under the eye.
Booze garden
I've been hearing, if you want your daffodils to last longer, pour alcohol on them. It strengthens the roots and adds a vibrancy to the flower. Needless to say the daffodils in our garden are all dead, but I'm shitfaced most of the time, so all is right in the world.
Hold the reindeer sausage will ya pal
So you’re in the remote parts of Alaska, and you get a craving for pizza. Until now you could just forget it. But apparently, the pizza guy will fly your choice of pie in to your location for a $60 delivery charge.
"Turn left at the walrus....second igloo on the right."
Towing the line
This week in the sleepy burbs near London Ontario. Police discovered the biker massacre of eight men, (three of whom were tow truck drivers). This has called into question the whole towing industry. Some now say the towing business is rampant with bikers moving weed and cocaine in the trunks of towed vehicles to waiting customers. After all, how many tow trucks have you seen pulled over by police?
I have a funny feeling I'm going to have engine trouble soon.
Money changes everything
Scientists have discovered the brain reacts in different ways when the loss of money is involved. Probably why people blow their temporal lobes out when they lose it all.
Personally I’m still waiting for the study on what the brain does when you take a really good dump.
Datin' season
Spring is here and love is in the air. The best advice from many columnists to those seeking contact with the opposite sex is, to take the initiative and start a conversation by smiling or saying, "Hi".
I find the Mayor has some interesting suggestions....or....
If I may add my two cents to those of you who are too shy to continue a conversation from there.....
I find that the line, "I’m verbally challenged, but orally gifted, Let’s fuck," gets straight to the point and you won't waist too much time on the wrong person.
Poppa needs a brand new pair of diapers
For the second time within a week an unattended child has been found in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino while the parent was inside gambling.
That’s disgusting. I'm appaled!
What happened to the good old days when your parents would just leave you in the car at the bar while they were inside getting plastered?
I may be poor, but I look spectacular
It was said this week, women will spend $400,000.00 on beauty aids over their life time.
Je-sus! $400.000.00!
Do you know how much porn I could get with that? I could open my own adult video, "Cuming soon?"
No wonder those bingo women murdered that poor guy?
I mean Christ, you could get 1,567 tow truck deliveries......or pay for 2,621 dates with the opposite sex. Fuck! That's 5652 Alaskan pizzas with extra seal blubber or....or 10,000 baby sitters.....ok 1,000 baby sitters and use the rest to gamble with.
I think my fuckin’ brain just popped a vessel....damn, I need a drink.
I became concerned, fearing she was somehow involved in this violent outburst, until I discovered the posse of would-be vigilantes were all under five feet and not one registered under 200 lbs before they made off with their ill-gotten booty, albeit very slowly.
Unfortunately for the victim, he died of a heart attack soon after the beating, collapsing in the bingo hall after being repeatedly dabbed under the eye.
Booze garden
I've been hearing, if you want your daffodils to last longer, pour alcohol on them. It strengthens the roots and adds a vibrancy to the flower. Needless to say the daffodils in our garden are all dead, but I'm shitfaced most of the time, so all is right in the world.
Hold the reindeer sausage will ya pal
So you’re in the remote parts of Alaska, and you get a craving for pizza. Until now you could just forget it. But apparently, the pizza guy will fly your choice of pie in to your location for a $60 delivery charge.
"Turn left at the walrus....second igloo on the right."
Towing the line
This week in the sleepy burbs near London Ontario. Police discovered the biker massacre of eight men, (three of whom were tow truck drivers). This has called into question the whole towing industry. Some now say the towing business is rampant with bikers moving weed and cocaine in the trunks of towed vehicles to waiting customers. After all, how many tow trucks have you seen pulled over by police?
I have a funny feeling I'm going to have engine trouble soon.
Money changes everything
Scientists have discovered the brain reacts in different ways when the loss of money is involved. Probably why people blow their temporal lobes out when they lose it all.
Personally I’m still waiting for the study on what the brain does when you take a really good dump.
Datin' season
Spring is here and love is in the air. The best advice from many columnists to those seeking contact with the opposite sex is, to take the initiative and start a conversation by smiling or saying, "Hi".
I find the Mayor has some interesting suggestions....or....
If I may add my two cents to those of you who are too shy to continue a conversation from there.....
I find that the line, "I’m verbally challenged, but orally gifted, Let’s fuck," gets straight to the point and you won't waist too much time on the wrong person.
Poppa needs a brand new pair of diapers
For the second time within a week an unattended child has been found in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino while the parent was inside gambling.
That’s disgusting. I'm appaled!
What happened to the good old days when your parents would just leave you in the car at the bar while they were inside getting plastered?
I may be poor, but I look spectacular
It was said this week, women will spend $400,000.00 on beauty aids over their life time.
Je-sus! $400.000.00!
Do you know how much porn I could get with that? I could open my own adult video, "Cuming soon?"
No wonder those bingo women murdered that poor guy?
I mean Christ, you could get 1,567 tow truck deliveries......or pay for 2,621 dates with the opposite sex. Fuck! That's 5652 Alaskan pizzas with extra seal blubber or....or 10,000 baby sitters.....ok 1,000 baby sitters and use the rest to gamble with.
I think my fuckin’ brain just popped a vessel....damn, I need a drink.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
A week starting off with a bang
First thing this week, a man blew himself up, in the washroom of a local Tim Horton’s. Police say it was, "a suicide attempt."
Attempt? Attempt!? The poor bugger’s dead. I think he was successful. However, I have a different take on the incident. I think the guy just had to take a serious dump and shouldn’t have followed the advice of a fellow patron who said, "Hey buddy! Light a match!"
Bladder up!
Seems scientists have grown a human organ in a lab. This is great news for those who will need transplants at some point in their life.
The new organ? No....not a lung. Nope....not a pancreas. Jesus not even the lowly spleen.
It was a bladder. A bladder I tells ya!
Granted there are some nights when I’m out on a good piss-up where an extra bladder might come in handy, but shouldn’t they be spending time on growing a human heart instead of bladder control?
What’s next? A bigger vagina?....geesh...that’s all I need.
Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be Bahamians
It appears the Bahamas have banned three time Oscar winner, "Brokeback Mountain," from being viewed in public theaters there.
That’s just so gay. What, don’t they like sheep? Do they think that seeing this film will cause a sudden increase in homosexuality?
Perhaps we should respect their decision? After all, the Bahamas already have two of the three main ingredients for copulation between men....sun and sand......Oh the third? Another man’s cock up your ass.
Needs more cowbell
For those of you who haven’t seen the famous SNL skit, check it out. However, I’m not sure the music world is ready for, "Maximum Cowbell"?
It's a new compilation of all your cowbell driven classics. "Don’t Fear the Reaper," "Mississippi Queen," "Low Rider," to name a few, all appear on the disc. I heard the Bahamas have already banned this one....so watch out.
Keeping it on the down-load
The gracious movie industry is now offering, "legal" internet downloads of newly released DVDs. But, you will only be able to watch the film on your computer. Burning is a big no-no.
The price? Somewhere between $20-$30. Hmmmmm.....let’s see.....
$30 download.....
free download....
$30 download....
free download.....man that’s a tough decision!
Ab duel?
On the serious side of things, Paula Abdul claims she was assaulted by a man, yet to be named, who argued with her, grabbed her by the arm, and slammed her against the wall, causing a concussion and spinal injuries....my money’s on Simon Cowell, but it could be anyone.
I mean who doesn’t want to smack her upside the head right now?...serious my ass.
Let’s try that again
On the serious side of things, a Toronto couple were found guilty of second-degree murder Friday in the death of their five-year-old grandson, who basically starved to death in 2002 after being abused for much of his life.
What an incredibly heinous crime. The neglect and death of a child is no laughing matter.....unless....and I realize I may get a few comments about this....unless it involves a monkey, a roast beef sandwich and jumper cables.
It’s not just about getting your meat smoked anymore.
Montreal has a new slogan. "Come to Montreal," they say. "Where the more you kiss, the Frencher you get."
They’re trying to tell you Montreal is a French culture. Christ! More people speak English, and only English, in Montreal than the entire GTA. If you want to hear French, go to Paris. If you want to hear Mandarin, go to Vancouver......yeah I’ve got a slogan for ya.... "Come to Montreal, It’s just like New York except with more strippers."
Thar she blows
Hurricane season is upon us once again.....well not me....you poor sods who live in coastal, hurricane ravaged areas. They say to expect at least nine storms this year, five of them severe.
If I were you, I’d start looking for another place to live right now......Hey...."Come to Montreal..."
Attempt? Attempt!? The poor bugger’s dead. I think he was successful. However, I have a different take on the incident. I think the guy just had to take a serious dump and shouldn’t have followed the advice of a fellow patron who said, "Hey buddy! Light a match!"
Bladder up!
Seems scientists have grown a human organ in a lab. This is great news for those who will need transplants at some point in their life.
The new organ? No....not a lung. Nope....not a pancreas. Jesus not even the lowly spleen.
It was a bladder. A bladder I tells ya!
Granted there are some nights when I’m out on a good piss-up where an extra bladder might come in handy, but shouldn’t they be spending time on growing a human heart instead of bladder control?
What’s next? A bigger vagina?....geesh...that’s all I need.
Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be Bahamians
It appears the Bahamas have banned three time Oscar winner, "Brokeback Mountain," from being viewed in public theaters there.
That’s just so gay. What, don’t they like sheep? Do they think that seeing this film will cause a sudden increase in homosexuality?
Perhaps we should respect their decision? After all, the Bahamas already have two of the three main ingredients for copulation between men....sun and sand......Oh the third? Another man’s cock up your ass.
Needs more cowbell
For those of you who haven’t seen the famous SNL skit, check it out. However, I’m not sure the music world is ready for, "Maximum Cowbell"?
It's a new compilation of all your cowbell driven classics. "Don’t Fear the Reaper," "Mississippi Queen," "Low Rider," to name a few, all appear on the disc. I heard the Bahamas have already banned this one....so watch out.
Keeping it on the down-load
The gracious movie industry is now offering, "legal" internet downloads of newly released DVDs. But, you will only be able to watch the film on your computer. Burning is a big no-no.
The price? Somewhere between $20-$30. Hmmmmm.....let’s see.....
$30 download.....
free download....
$30 download....
free download.....man that’s a tough decision!
Ab duel?
On the serious side of things, Paula Abdul claims she was assaulted by a man, yet to be named, who argued with her, grabbed her by the arm, and slammed her against the wall, causing a concussion and spinal injuries....my money’s on Simon Cowell, but it could be anyone.
I mean who doesn’t want to smack her upside the head right now?...serious my ass.
Let’s try that again
On the serious side of things, a Toronto couple were found guilty of second-degree murder Friday in the death of their five-year-old grandson, who basically starved to death in 2002 after being abused for much of his life.
What an incredibly heinous crime. The neglect and death of a child is no laughing matter.....unless....and I realize I may get a few comments about this....unless it involves a monkey, a roast beef sandwich and jumper cables.
It’s not just about getting your meat smoked anymore.
Montreal has a new slogan. "Come to Montreal," they say. "Where the more you kiss, the Frencher you get."
They’re trying to tell you Montreal is a French culture. Christ! More people speak English, and only English, in Montreal than the entire GTA. If you want to hear French, go to Paris. If you want to hear Mandarin, go to Vancouver......yeah I’ve got a slogan for ya.... "Come to Montreal, It’s just like New York except with more strippers."
Thar she blows
Hurricane season is upon us once again.....well not me....you poor sods who live in coastal, hurricane ravaged areas. They say to expect at least nine storms this year, five of them severe.
If I were you, I’d start looking for another place to live right now......Hey...."Come to Montreal..."
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Time to B.B.Q.
Bra-vo, Bra-vo!
It’s going to take me a while to get back into the routine of not Blogging everyday...if that makes any sense? Forget this is my 500th post.....No, I said just forget it....don't send me anything for this meaningless milestone. Nope. Not even a comment....Thank you.
A few interesting bits I heard this week were.....
Victoria Secret is suing La Senza over a bra. According to VC, they claim the La Senza "Itec" bra is a blatant rip-off of their, "Ipex" model. Other than both products are four letters long , begin with "I", sound eerily familiar, and hold breasts, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean how do you tell the difference?
Hey......I have an idea about how to settle this matter out of court. I say we get a panel of judges....say myself, The Mayor, Bob Noxious and GIGC, because she really enjoys groping women.
We line up a bunch of models, 50 should be sufficient, all wearing one or the other bras. Then we try, through various touching and squeezing exercises, to guess who’s wearing what.....sorry we are no longer accepting resumes from would-be judges.
It's spring yet Leafs are still falling.
Toronto Maple Leafs coach , Pat Quinn says when the season’s over he will visit the Canadian troops in Afghanistan. I ask, with 10 games remaining and seven points out of a playoff spot, what are you still doing here Pat? The season is over. The Leafs are already dead, just like I predicted back in November.
Can you guess where I'm calling from?
Speaking of dead and buried: Apparently an increasing new trend is for people to be accompanied six feet under by their cell phones and lap tops. Just think of the long distance charges....of course someone else is going to be paying the bill.
Screening the screeners
Experts aren’t so sure that the makers of sun screen are selling products that give you the protection and longevity they preach, saying, "Sun-screen may be the modern day 'snake oil' of placebos"....Personally I have no complaints. It has always given me exceptional protection. I have never had a problem with longevity, or gotten anyone pregnant for that matter. Plus it tastes great on bread. It's everything I was told it was. What more can you ask for?
Didn't we almost have it all?
Did you know Whitney Houston is living in squaller with Bobby Brown in their mansion right now? They probably haven't even switched the clocks forward yet. That is, if they still have clocks. Might have sold 'em for crack. You never know.
First of all, I want to understand....how the fuck do you live in squaller in a mansion?
In a cardboard box? Yes.
In the back seat of a rusted out 72 Dodge? Yes.
In a condemned building? Yes.
But a mansion? I smell a publicity stunt for a potential new board game....let’s see... Whitney...with the crack pipe...in the conservatory.
Idle votes
Finally there is a site you can go to, to vote for the worst American Idol singer each week.
This is an attempt to fuck up the competition and undermine the show. If you’re interested it’s here.
If you ask me, I say, don't waste you're time with Idol. Why don’t we band together, call radio stations and demand airplay for Whitney and Bobby. Do our part to generate some much needed royalties so they can buy a new couch, or if we're really lucky.....O.D.
A few interesting bits I heard this week were.....
Victoria Secret is suing La Senza over a bra. According to VC, they claim the La Senza "Itec" bra is a blatant rip-off of their, "Ipex" model. Other than both products are four letters long , begin with "I", sound eerily familiar, and hold breasts, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean how do you tell the difference?
Hey......I have an idea about how to settle this matter out of court. I say we get a panel of judges....say myself, The Mayor, Bob Noxious and GIGC, because she really enjoys groping women.
We line up a bunch of models, 50 should be sufficient, all wearing one or the other bras. Then we try, through various touching and squeezing exercises, to guess who’s wearing what.....sorry we are no longer accepting resumes from would-be judges.
It's spring yet Leafs are still falling.
Toronto Maple Leafs coach , Pat Quinn says when the season’s over he will visit the Canadian troops in Afghanistan. I ask, with 10 games remaining and seven points out of a playoff spot, what are you still doing here Pat? The season is over. The Leafs are already dead, just like I predicted back in November.
Can you guess where I'm calling from?
Speaking of dead and buried: Apparently an increasing new trend is for people to be accompanied six feet under by their cell phones and lap tops. Just think of the long distance charges....of course someone else is going to be paying the bill.
Screening the screeners
Experts aren’t so sure that the makers of sun screen are selling products that give you the protection and longevity they preach, saying, "Sun-screen may be the modern day 'snake oil' of placebos"....Personally I have no complaints. It has always given me exceptional protection. I have never had a problem with longevity, or gotten anyone pregnant for that matter. Plus it tastes great on bread. It's everything I was told it was. What more can you ask for?
Didn't we almost have it all?
Did you know Whitney Houston is living in squaller with Bobby Brown in their mansion right now? They probably haven't even switched the clocks forward yet. That is, if they still have clocks. Might have sold 'em for crack. You never know.
First of all, I want to understand....how the fuck do you live in squaller in a mansion?
In a cardboard box? Yes.
In the back seat of a rusted out 72 Dodge? Yes.
In a condemned building? Yes.
But a mansion? I smell a publicity stunt for a potential new board game....let’s see... Whitney...with the crack pipe...in the conservatory.
Idle votes
Finally there is a site you can go to, to vote for the worst American Idol singer each week.
This is an attempt to fuck up the competition and undermine the show. If you’re interested it’s here.
If you ask me, I say, don't waste you're time with Idol. Why don’t we band together, call radio stations and demand airplay for Whitney and Bobby. Do our part to generate some much needed royalties so they can buy a new couch, or if we're really lucky.....O.D.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Hippo eats dwarf
April Fools! I'm not really posting anything today, except to rehash last year's link to the top 100 Hoaxes of all time.
However, I did like the title of the guy's book that is this post's namesake and is located on the link page. Makes me wish I'd thought of it first. Shit. No wonder I'm still not published.
However, I did like the title of the guy's book that is this post's namesake and is located on the link page. Makes me wish I'd thought of it first. Shit. No wonder I'm still not published.
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