Strangedaze: Ole....Ole, Ole, Ole.....

Yeah I know. The World Cup started this week. Patriotic motherfuckers are crawling out from under every rock with their little flags. Flags waving for the chosen country of their forefathers from everything from car antennas to more car antennas.

But who will win?

My one friend says the Italians are a shoe-in to win it all. Not surprisingly, he’s Italian. Well meatball, in my opinion, the Italians will be up and down like a toilet seat at a stag and doe. That type of inconsistency is not the veal Parmesan of champions. Ya know what I mean you misguided acolyte?

Another friend swears it is the British who will rise to supremacy.

Surprise, surprise, his heritage hails back to jolly old England, home of the Union Jack and bad teeth.

Let me tell you, knicker boy, any nation who uses 1000's of megga watts in extra power just to put the kettle on, and make tea for the big matches, doesn’t deserve to win.

Then I’m told Brazilians will win. "Brazilians," I say. That’s too many. A million maybe, but a Brazilian? Now you’re dreaming.

Hey, I knew a girl who had a Brazilian wax once...ahh those were good times....

Anyway, I’m going to give you the finalists of the FIFA World Cup, and remember you heard it here first.

Togo vs Trinidad & Tobago. Not that Trinidad really needs Tobago to trounce the superior fire power of Togo.

My dark horse pick is Iran. Especially if they put some of that enriched uranium in their opponents shorts before game time. Remember my friend, never count out a nation who kills their athletes for not winning.

Meow remix

Correction: I would like to apologize to all the angry emails I had over the cat reality show mentioned on a previous Blog. Apparently, my bad, when I said the winner would get a contract with Purina. I was wrong. It was Meow Mix. Once again my sincerest apologies.

Kicking us in the Baghdad

Ok so we’ve had a little problem with terrorists here in the big smoke. In fact, I’m hearing there are a proliferation of Islamic extremist recruiting websites that started this whole deal.

Suddenly it seems , we are under the microscope of the world eye and finger pointing, "I told you so," Americans, who have just accelerated their plans to build the fence along the 49th
parallel.

This media scrutiny has got me thinking. We need an Islamic Terrorist reality show. Kind of a Survivor meets The Amazing Race. With weekly eliminations like crawling through mine fields, or quickest suicide bombing, as they race around the globe to exotic destinations surrounded by chicks in bikinis and berkas.

Tune in next week to Survivor Islamabad. Shareef confronts Abdul about his secret alliance with Yasim and Mustafa pulls the wrong hand grenade pin at the jihad reward challenge.

"Sorry Zarqawi the 25 million goes to the guy who sold you out to the Americans."

Suffering from high score

Now there is a D-tox center for video addicts. When you start lying to people by telling them your Carpal Tunnel was caused by excessive masturbation instead of aggressive joy stick maneuvers, you need help.

Usually vices and addictions eventually lead to your wife or girlfriend leaving you. It's a wakeup call and reality check to straighten your ass up. But these guys don’t have the luxury of relationships with the opposite sex, so the rehab seems like a good idea to me.

Leap of faith

A European man decided to test his faith and put his life in God’s hands by leaping into a lion’s den in a Munich zoo. The animal, obviously an atheist, tore the man to shreds. Had the guy at least waited until the first upset at the World Cup, it would have made more sense.

Oddly enough I wrote about this exact same scenario in my second novel The Limits of Respectability, which just goes to show you, truth is as strange as Strange fiction.

Bet bet bet bet BET BET BET!

It is true you can bet on anything these days from World Cup red cards, to Super Bowl wardrobe malfunctions, to as mentioned on last week's Blog, Spelling Bees.

On a more personal note, now that wedding season is cranking up, did you know some book makers are taking wagers on how long marriages will last. You can get odds on everything from until the rice is thrown, to two months, to happily ever after.

There’s probably some serious money to be made on the last one.

Apocalypse Tuesday

In fact this week, if you wanted, you could lay a wager on 6.6.06 being the date of the apocalypse.

For a measly $100 you would have taken home a cool 10 million had the world ended in a fiery ball of ruin Tuesday. Of course collecting your winnings might of presented a problem.