A flat-ulent week

I don’t have much to post this week. It’s not that there wasn’t a lot going on. There was the usual stabbings, deaths, road closures, out of control taxation, moribund movie releases, the Stones not giving up their hotel suite in Vienna for President Bush etc. You know same-old-same-old.

It was the mundane array of things vastly contributing to a crumbling infrastructure and the quality of bumper-to-bumper existence. But for most of the week I had my hands pressed tightly over my ears. "La...la...la...I’m not listening."

So I will do my best to throw together the few tidbits managing to filter through my fleshy ear muffs.

Beans beans: Now just good for your heart

That’s right my faithful readership. Science has perfected the perfect flatulent free bean, just for you. It’s all about you isn’t it?

Think about it. Whoopie cushions will cease to exist. No longer will your experience those embarrassing moments during oral sex, the red-faced handshake at important business meetings, the foul odor in elevators, in broom closets, in Chinese restaurants....ok scratch the last one....but you see what I mean?

Got milk

A study released this week stated, women who drink more milk will have normal babies where as those who don’t run the chance of undersized, hideous creations with twelve toes...on one foot, and an arsehole in the middle of their forehead.

I think the study was brought to you by the manufacturers of milk if I’m not mistaken.

Speaking of milk....

Brittany the baby factory

Really do you need anymore details? Usually it’s one more mouth to feed, now it’s one more to drop on it’s head.

My car’s on the pill

With the increase in fuel prices be wary of internet ads touting the gas pill for your car. It is said one of these pills in your tank will help improve performance and mileage while leaving you engine sparkling clean and smelling of mint.

When tested the results showed a less than 3% increase in over all performance and the exhaust emitting an olfactory property closer to the scrotal sack of an African dung beetle, but there were no signs of pregnancy.....speaking of which.....see previous story.

You’re flying low

In the wake of another four dead Canadian soldiers returning from Afghanistan this week, a controversy brewed in the nation's capitol....that’s Ottawa for those of you who don’t know....It’s in Ontario....A province in Canada.....The country just above the United States....you know....hockey....curling....William Shatner....oh, never mind!

The argument was over whether the flag should be lowered to half-mast every time a soldier is killed. The debate presented two strong arguments.

One side sighting, "It’s a Wonderful Life," and the whole every time an angel gets his wings thing.

The other, "The yo-yo effect." I mean can you imagine the U.S. lowering the flag every time they lost one of their own in Iraq. The damn flag would be up and down so much the pole would have an orgasm.

David vs Goliath

A Montreal amusement park is looking for 72 brave souls to ride their new coaster "Goliath."
Willing participants must be high to ride.....no wait...it say "this high" and there’s a measurement....who cares.....

You must also have "David" as a given name and be able to shit your pants at 110 MPH. Better start chowin’ down on those beans.

This week's new release: Pearl Jam







But I recommend......Which begs the question. Will there be another album now that all his friends are dead?