The transient identification dictonary part 1

Or T.I.D. for short, you can also refer to it as the Hobo Dic. One thing's for sure with the economic slide there will be more of these fellows with hat extended on a street corner near you, so you need a guide to identify exactly what you are dealing with. It will help you decide if crossing the road or an all out detour is in order.


The Ranter - A popular vagabond due to their "look at me" style, the Ranter is the wastrel you cross the street to avoid and not just because of that stank. Indeed, on a warm summer's day, the Ranter may set himself up outside your favorite mall, one eye looking skyward while the other attempts to peer into your very soul and begin raving about how the government put arsenic in his oatmeal and those geese in the park are nothing but sodomites who talk about him behind his back. The Ranter's effectiveness seems to directly correlate to both how loud he can share a string of epic obscenities and how well dressed the people he wants to listen to him are.

I think that guy used to work for GM in Oshawa....


The Entrepreneur - No regular bum this, the Entrepreneur is the 'can do' vagrant of today. Not content to be like his begging cousins, the Entrepreneur has a get up and go that makes him wait at busy intersections with a scrap of newsprint and an old Coke bottle he's filled with water and hand sanitizer from down at the clinic. When he finds a potential client stuck at a red light, he springs into action by hobbling over and smudging the sanitizer-laced paper across their windshield in exchange for a few cents. And while this may actually make the window dirtier, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and this drifter can't make your window clean if he's covered in his own urine.

Dude! Take your idea to OSEB. They can help you get your business up and running.


The Millionaire - Curiously, once a town gets large enough, the Millionaire inevitably shows up in local lore and will remain for many years. Potentially disguised as a Ranter, the Millionaire is just what his name suggests. He's stinking rich. At least that's what everyone says, because it's fun to believe when you're enjoying the lower middle class life, someone out there achieved their fortune and decided that instead of living in a mansion, living behind the KFC dumpster and wearing shoes made out of hardened discs of feces would be an interesting adventure to go on. This tramp never speaks of their fortune, potentially due to dementia or just snobbery, and will often be seen counting out pennies to buy McDonald's coffee on a Sunday morning.


Lovingly ripped from College Humor

Entertainment by the numbers

The 15 funniest Late Night with Conan O'Brien's moments.

11 life lessons we learned from watching the Big Lebowski.

Eric Cartman's 9 most evil moments.

True Blood is a new series about vampires and sex and sex with vampires and...you get the idea. It's a cool show and fortunately if you can't stand vampire, here are 6 clips of just the sex....or should that be sex clips of the six?

The 20 funniest moments from The Office.

The 10 greatest movie battle scenes ever. After yesterday, shouldn't this go to eleven?

Bonus link: Halloween may be over, but there's no reason you can't still be scared of 2 Pumpkins- 1 Cup.

Less we forget

Today is Remembrance Day, so I take great offence to the fact that Christmas commercials have been plaguing us since Halloween. Are retailers that paranoid of shitty economic times that they have to bombard us with their wares this early, especially on a day signifying all those who died in the name of freedom.

Somehow I'm not convinced, the poor unfortunate war vets they had the bastardization of commercialism in mind when they lost their lives on foreign soil.

So give us a break you insensitive ingrates. Remembrance Day should be for one thing and one thing only. Remembering those who fought and died for our freedom, not remembering there's only 43 more shopping days until Christmas.

Dad's desert island collection #43

Weening out the worst costumes.

I was at a few Halloween parties on the weekend despite my last minute construction of cutting a few holes in a sheet and going as a lame ghost. I figured if I had trudged into a costume shop at the eleventh hour on Halloween I'd be staring at some slim-pickin's.

Judging by some of the costumes I saw of others, who also waited, I made the right decision. just check out what some people paid for.

Sponge Bob for adults.




I guess Russel Oliver didn't show up for this ATM "Cash Man" costume.




One Night Stand, or was it Stan? I can't remember.




Guy with a heart-on.




Ladies and gentlemen, introducing your Biggest Fan, but it looks like the shit just hit him.



Goth Milk




God's Gift to Women.




OK, I admit I would have bought this one. The Breathalyzer. The guy got blown all night long.




Even couples weren't immune as per by Lock and Key.




Big Fork and Spoon. I think I saw the Spoon chick run away with some guy dressed as a dish later in the evening.

The worst treats to give at Halloween

Suckers: There really isn’t anything wrong with a sucker, but there's also nothing particularly right. It's just generic hard candy on a stick—there's a reason you get suckers at the doctor's, when you get a haircut, when your mom goes to the bank, or any time an adult who isn't your parent or guardian needs you to shut up and stop crying. You can't possibly be excited by suckers at Halloween after receiving so many for so long. You only eat the suckers from your Halloween swag in late November, when your candy supply has dwindled to “Donner Party” levels.


Candy Corn: For reasons unknown, candy corn is one of the staples of Halloween, despite it tasting like stale wax with a slight sugar coating.

It looks like the diseased teeth of a dragon that eats children. It is only given out to kids by the very elderly, who are still trying to tune into FDR's fireside chats, or by twisted sadists who obviously hate children, because candy corn is fucking disgusting. Like magic—dark, evil magic—there has never been a piece of candy corn that tasted like it was made in the same decade it was consumed.


Pennies: There was a time when getting a penny meant something. This was when a child could go on down to the general store and get eighteen Jimmies, a pack of Lucky Strikes and a fine pair of sock garters. However, times have changed, women can vote, socks just magically stay up and pennies are now just a copper burden on all of society. By giving them to children, you are simply telling them that you are too cheap to buy candy and wish to humiliate them by giving them the contents of your couch cushions. The sole item a child can buy with pennies is a package of matches, which hopefully they will use to start a fire on your property.


Apples: Thanks to urban legends about our nation's plethora of razor blades and psychos, nature’s candy has gotten a bum rap that will have most parents tossing out the most nutritious thing received on Halloween night. Of course, you’re a moron to give out apples in the first place; even the Amish know that they ’re bad hoodoo. Children likely started many of the rumors about razor blades, because nobody wants a friggin' apple on Halloween.

Toothbrush: There is nothing more passive-aggressive than giving out a freaking toothbrush on Halloween. If you’ve ever done it or are planning to, please punch yourself in the groin. The people who give out such things are also the same folks who bring you “socks at Christmas” and the co-favorite “school supplies on your fucking birthday." Give these out, and know that the universe will eventually repay you—in the form of children egging and/or toilet-papering your house, hopefully.

Lovingly ripped from http://www.toplessrobot.com

Dad's desert island collection #42

Saw School Musical

Last minute costume ideas

How about.....



Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all....nothing at all....nothing at all.

One week left shoppers

Holy jumping Jesus! It`s only a week away from Halloween and I haven`t posted a damn thing about it.

So here`s a bunch of links to get you cranked up for the night of ghouls and goblins.

Night of the Living Dead Bunnies

Worst ghost ever!

Night of the Chicken Dead

Dad's desert island collection #41

Franchises available

You know, there are always Franchise trade shows touting freedom by owning your own business. If you call freedom making little or no money for years while you work your fingers to the bone then I guess what they sell is true.

What you really need is a franchise where you just pick up the phone, take their money, print off a brochure and a couple of tickets and vouchers, fire them off in the mail and you're done. Next!

Here at Strangedaze I am opening a new business, that for a modest fee, you can buy a franchise and it will all be that simple.

We're talking luxury accommodations in the Afterlife with packages to suit all denominations.

The Standard package: Starting as low as $1,999.00- For the non believer, this package allows you to protect your ass just in case there really is a God and Heaven. Includes continental breakfast for all eternity and daily maid service. Price based on double occupancy.

The Christianity Tabula Rasa upgrade: $2,879.00- Includes the above as well as a get-out-of-Hell-free card. All sins will be wiped clean and you'll get a personal 8 x 10 autographed welcome from Jesus.



Hey Judaism package: $3,659.00- Oye! Own your personal piece of Heaven away from all the other Goyim. Includes mazuzza's to hang on your cloud in this luxurious, ham-free environment.

72 Virgin upgrade: $4,500.00 (our most popular seller and a bargain for all those virgins.) This a big seller with Muslims and other denominations alike. Just make sure the cheque clears before your suicide mission.

Catholicism Pedo upgrade: $8,775.00 For those who crave a little taboo in the Afterlife, this package is for you. From milk carton to your personal space in hedonism, choose from a multitude of nationalities- available in male or female.

Please note: There are no blackout periods until Dec. 21st 2012. After that date, only Premium Club card holders will have access to the package of their choosing. So book now!

Saw dust

BEETON, Ont. - An Ontario Provincial Police detachment said Wednesday that prank phone calls related to the upcoming release of the horror movie "Saw 5" have caused concern for some citizens.

OK first you have to take into consideration, this is Beeton we're talking about here; home of Beeton Meats next to the Beeton Off Ramp. Not too smart up there in Beeton.

Police in the Nottawasaga detachment based in Beeton, north of Toronto, said they received several complaints about the calls in the past few days.

And those were just the ones from Harper asking for their vote.

The source of the calls is an interactive website being used to promote the movie, police said in a release.

My bad.

On the website, anyone can enter another person's name, the police said. The site generates a "scary message" that can then be dialled to any home phone number.

"(The message) causes some concern for people who don't know the basis of the movie (and) . . . don't know about the prank call that's possible," said provincial police Const. Tracey Bednarczyk.

Unfortunately the first Saw movie doesn't get released until this Christmas in Beeton.

"We just want to make the community aware that this is out there, (that) people are doing it as a prank thing and not to be concerned."

Saw 5, which was filmed in Toronto, is due to be released Oct. 24.

Lionsgate, which is distributing the film, did not respond immediately Wednesday for a request for comment.

But if you know anyone in Beeton and want to scare the bejesus out of them go to
Saw V and create your own message.

Dad's desert island collection #40

C monsters

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving...well, except State-side- you guys have to wait another month.

This week is brought to you by the letter C. Enjoy.

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Funny Animations | Upload Video Clips

Amazing yardsale finds #7

Hard to believe that people are still doing the yard sales this late in the year and on a long weekend, but they are there. Just check out my most recent scores in secondhand merchandise.


Book of: Young Teen Action

Cost: $0.75

At first I thought I had made a steal by purchasing this book, but it wasn't what I first thought. Disappointed!





Sperm Bucket and Squeegee

Cost: $2.50

Bought it in conjunction with the Young Teen Action book. Now what am I supposed to do? Clean car windows?





The Gay Bob Doll (still in box)

Cost: $4.25

The guy insisted it was a collectors item but I managed to get him down from $10.00
Craig's List here I come! But don't tell Gay Bob that. And it would probably be a good idea to keep the doll separate from my Sperm bucket and squeegee.

Dad's desert island collection #39

Goooooooooooooal!!!!

While The Dark Knight broke box-office records here and reigned supreme, I thought it might be cool to look around at other countries and the movies that were top dog in those respective regions.....like this gem.

Got Ween?

It's October which should only lead your mind to one thing and that's not Thanksgiving.

There's a bunch of Americans reading this wondering, why they would be thinking of Thanksgiving in October?

I talk of the best day of the year, Halloween....OK the second best day of the year....forgot about Pottahawk for a moment.

And with Halloween there is much preparation in store for those who embrace this festive time. So over the next few weeks I will do my best to guide the way with tips, info and how-to's so you don't end up wearing your mother's wedding dress and spilling barbecue sauce on it, in a lame attempt to snag some candy.

It will all be here: from how to make an adequate costume with just a ball of thread, silver plated napkin ring and a paper clip, to how cheese rapped in tin foil will suffice when the candy runs out, to how to scare the little buggers away from your house if this time of the year is not for you.

Amazing yardsale finds #6

Dick Pole rookie card

Cost: $0.75

With all the Fukudome controversy surrounding the Chicago Cub's player I went out with the sole purpose to find his baseball card. As you can see, I failed, but as a suitable replacement I managed to purchase this one instead. As I understand it, Dick Pole was a heavy swinger who was eventually released from the Seattle Mariners due to his quick release.




Two Finger Squirter- Still in package.

Cost: $1.50
Although I forgot to ask if this item was for specific use in the pink, or in the stink?




The Man Lock by McGard

Cost: $2.25

I'm told MacGyver invented a better one, but what the hey. I'm sure this baby will come in handy if I ever find myself in prison.

Fuk-u-do-me

Kosuke Fukudome isn't just causing problems for the Cubs, he's also making life difficult for high school students in suburban Chicago, as 15-year-old Jill Howe discovered earlier this week.

The Elgin High School sophomore had to remove her Kosuke Fukudome jersey and wear a gym T-shirt to class Wednesday because of a misunderstanding about how to pronounce the All-Star right-fielder's last name.

"Someone stopped me in the hall and asked me what the back of my jersey said," Jill [Howe] said.

Seriously? There are people who live near Chicago who still haven't heard of him? Apparently so. Not only was the school staffer who stopped Jill oblivious but so was the school's dean. After Jill's mother called to complain later in the day, the assistant principal eventually agreed that Fukudome apparel would be allowed.

Chalk up one for that Jill chick. Little do they know she's probably sucking cock under the bleachers every noon hour.

Good thing he cleared that up; after Fuk-u-do-me's recent goose egg and subsequent benching, I'm sure there will be absolutely no one who will want to wear that jersey on purpose. You know what's really funny? It turns out that Fukudome's dwindling relevancy was largely responsible for this controversy in the first place:

"She's a big Cubs fan...

When she's not sucking cock!

...and we got the jersey at Dick's," said Jill's mom, Nancy Howe.

See! Even the sports store is phallic.

"We were going to get a [Kerry] Wood one, but it cost more."

Kerry Wood. Shit is this whole family obsessed with the penis?

If Fukudome had actually hit anything since the All-Star break maybe his jersey wouldn't be on the discount rack serving as a trap for budget-conscious students with clueless teachers lacking pop culture context.

Something tells me this shirt is going to be everywhere in the next few months. Not to mention a whole lot of teenage pregnancies sometime next summer.

Dad's desert island collection #38

American hysterectomy X

Looks like congress is going to aprove the Strangedaze bailout package. Which is great news. Daily blogging should resume shortly.

Amazing yardsale finds #6

It may be late in the season, but there are still some great deals out there for those of you willing to look.

See what I picked up yesterday.

The Rifleman

Cost: $0.25

I'm not an avid reader, GIGC is, and I got it for her. Although the dude I bought it from also tried to sell me a subscription to "Boys loving men, loving boys."




Crack Stuffer

Cost: $0.75

Just in time. With winter coming, who dosen't have a crack they want stuffed?




Reindeer's Big Night Toy

Cost: $0.25

Christmas will be here soon enough and I can always regift this baby. After all I have plenty of nieces and nephews that I can't stand.



Is it just me, or do my purchases all seem overtly sexual?

Mid-blog crisis

There was a time when I got up everyday and the first thing I did was post to this Blog. For some reason I have lost my passion to do this and have experienced a dwindling desire to post even the most inane material.

All I can think is I'm going through a mid-blog crisis, where other elements have taken on a more pressing urgency than "dick and fart" jokes.

Who knows, perhaps I'll be purchasing a new car soon, to impress the younger female demographic.

Until then I'll just have to ride it out until the hard-on for blogging returns.

Dad's desert island collection #37

I didn't know Dustin Hoffman put out an album.

Direct, not to the point after all

Usually I try to post something of a light nature when I decide to punch out my thoughts on these pages, but something happened that I feel everyone should know. In fact given the nature of what has happened I’m sure you can relate.

My mother is 75 and getting up in years. We’ve had her come stay with us. When she did, she sold her house, notified all her utilities, settled up and cancelled all her accounts, left her forwarding information with the post office. Why? Because my mother likes to tie up loose ends and believes in being above board with everyone.

However, despite her attempts to move on and enjoy her retirement in a new locale, a letter came for her from CGC (Collection Group of Canada Inc.) stating the following:

Herewith, you are being served notice that we have been retained by DIRECT ENERGY GAS, to take immediate action on your delinquent account for $366.99. We have full authority and instructions to bring this matter to a prompt conclusion.

It is imperative that we receive your cheque immediately, or we shall have no alternative but to take appropriate action to enforce payment without further delay.

Govern yourself accordingly.

Really? This? After almost a year of living in her new digs?

When contacted, Direct Energy, claims this is merely company policy.

What? To not inform a client when they call to cancel they’ll have to pay a penalty?

What? To not send notification to the client informing that money is still due? I mean all her other mail was forwarded here from the post office, why not Direct Energy’s?

What? To badger an elderly woman, a long time customer, who has an impeccable credit rating and who would have happily paid the amount owing, had she been instructed to do so last October.

No, Direct Energy has chosen to skulk behind the proud, tried, tested and true, Gestapo tactics of a second rate collection agency who haven’t the decency to try simple communication before sending off their written defecation.

So I write this. My right to free speech. My right to let everyone know what is going on here.

And I say to you my friends, watch those bills coming in. Check for any discrepancy. Question every hidden charge. Let the bastards of big business know you are being vigilant.

After all, they sure let you know.....but give them about a year first.

I’ll send this out to as many people who will listen and Blind-Close-Caption to Direct Energy, because I know that’s where they feel comfortable....hidden and out of sight.

Dad's desert island collection #36

Tuesdays are numberific

Top 10 movie trailer mash-ups.

60 seconds of people getting hit inthe face with balls.

10 bizarre body modifications.

5 scientific experiments most likely to end the world.

The 10 greatest moments in female orgasm history.

Vagina, vagina, vagina

That is all.

You hate me, you really, really hate me

OK, I know I've been a little lack-a-daisical with my posting this month, but it always astounds me when I see the July/August drop off of visitors to Ol Strangedaze.

Call it Pottahawk hangover, call it end of summer malaise, call it boring posting on my part. The truth seems to be, that unless I'm displaying tits and ass, excessive drinking, or using the word "vagina" on a frequent basis, you have no interest in coming here.

So, I will try to increase my level of debauchery over the next few months to win you back, otherwise next month the numbers might be in negative territory.

Dad's desert island collection #35

Is this you?

OK, forget yesterday's doomsday post. The important thing is, if this is you in the picture, you need to contact me right away. Time is running out before I publish your pictures from Pottahawk on this page and people are going to find out what has happened to so many missing children, not to mention the great bank heist of '07......oh yeah there's some great Pottahawk pictures as well.

Doomsday Wednesday?

Good morning. Seems like a nice day on the cusp of fall. A perfect day to go about your business and not worry about the outside world......but wait a minute......maybe you should check this out before you walk out the front door whistling. It's happening as we speak.



If you can't get it to load, go here.

Hey, if the doomsday guys are right, think of all that debt you won't have to pay back. Either way, I guess we'll know by October 21st.

Thar she blows

This fine Tuesday, how about a trip to the human fountain.

Start your week off with the happy penis fun slide

Personally, if they wanted to use this as a metaphor they're about several million kids short, and there's no real money shot.



Yes, I've already booked it for next year's Oscar Party.

Amazing yardsale finds #5

The summer may be almost over, but the yard sales are still out there with real bargoons for those willing to search. Take for instance, these babies that I found at a street sale in Bowmanville. It was a big weekend and I made some major scores.

Johnny Rebel Cannon with three( count 'em) three cannon balls and gun powder.

Cost: $2.00

I figured this would go good next to the front door. I could fire it at unwanted door knockers trying to sell me, energy saving packages, girl guide cookies, ask for charitable donations, or wondering if I've heard the word of God lately.

But most of all those dumb-ass Weedman pricks who despite seeing my lawncare truck in the driveway, want to know if I'd like a free estimate so they can upsell me a grub treatment. Big company assholes! Here's a cannon ball right up your ass.




The Adventures of Baron Munchhausen on Beta max.

Cost: Got it for free with the cannon.

What a great film. I love Terry Gilliam's work. Now, if I could only find a Beta machine to play it on?




Two Girls, One Cup temporary rub-on tattoo.

Cost: $0.10

Looks swell don't it?

The internet: it's just not trying anymore

Last week I failed to post my regular news and reviews. I guess it was due to a weak, week I felt had nothing to offer.

Other than talk of Cher playing Cat Woman in the next Batman flick, tainted meat recalls and a ho-hum hurricane, there was really nothing to work with.

Perhaps it's just me, because this week I feel much the same way after a summer of posting- there's nothing left to say.

Sure I could comment on Tiger Woods announcing he and his wife are expecting their second child. How, if three kids is still the family unit norm, does that put him one under par?

Or how some dude paid half-a-mil for a guitar Hendrix burned in the sixties and if the house he stores it in burns down, how will he ever convince his insurance that the guitar was damaged?

Or how, apparently the place to shop for furniture....and well.....really anything isn't Ikea or Walmart, it's the Humber River in Toronto.

Or how in a deep-fried food competition in Texas, some dude won with his signature dish Deep-Fried bacon-flavored chicken which he should probably rename the Deep-Fried Heart-Attack.

The truth is I feel uninspired and should probably drop news and reviews until next year when the mood strikes me.

Until next time.

Strange Ocho Cinco

Is this you?

Hello Pottahawk picture taker.

This year I found a water-tight camera floating near our boat at Pottahawk. The pictures have been developed and if this is you, you should probably contact me before it gets any worse.

Dad's desert island collection #34

Tales from the road (part 39)

Private Sector ended what has been a sometimes tumultuous tour last night with a small, invitation only gathering back on home soil. The band agreed the past three months seemed longer than it actually was, but they still had fun, not ruling out the possibility of touring again at some point in the future.

Unlike past performances, the band closed the show with their signature "The Cure" instead of opening with it, leaving the impression they still have a few surprises left to dole out.

We'll have to wait and see.

Amazing yardsale finds #4

Sky Dancer

Cost: $0.75

Got it for my Niece. Now before you say "That's cute. What a swell guy you are Strange." Let it be noted this toy was pulled from the shelf because you could put your eye out with it when you pulled the cord and this frickin' fairy-helicopter thingy flew up into your face.

And believe me, no one deserves to put out her eye more than my Niece. the kid's a real brat.




Miami Sound Machine

Cost: $0.25

This brought back memories of a simpler time when I thought I was so cool, but looking back at it now and comparing myself to these dudes, my hairstyle sucked too.

Actually I got it for my Niece. Now before you say "That's cute. What a swell guy you are Strange." Let it be noted that outside of getting her on a milk carton which would take a great deal of effort on my part, this album should at least punish her parents for having such a naughty child, when she plays it with monotonous regularity on their old record player.





Derringer Gun Belt Buckle.

Cost: $0.50

The only problem? You have to turn sideways to shoot darts at anyone. However I could always pose for a picture with my Niece......you know....if the Sky Dancer doesn't work.