Yesterday I gave you advice on what NOT to get your girl for Christmas. Today it's the Worst Gifts for Men, so listen up ladies.
1. Clothes for a better version of him.
Hey you want to dress up your Scottish Terrier in a little pink sweater and hat? Fine! But we’re men not frickin’ pets. I love my old clothes and enjoy parading around like the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’ve got closets full of shit I’ll never wear or be able to re-gift.
2. The saccharine stuff.
While women always enjoy the lovey-dovey, men are often scared off by syrupy tokens, not to mention feel totally awkward about how to say "thanks" gracefully. Keep that in mind as you’re shopping. No doubt you will encounter ferociously cute teddy bears, a mix CD of love songs that’ll make your heart stir, and flannel pj’s with a really cute heart pattern... but think of how your man will feel unwrapping a gift like that.
Je-sus I’m an author and even I won’t read "The Bridges of Madison County".
3. Kitchen and bath bric-a-brac.
Even if your guy’s life is conspicuously missing a toaster oven, a hamper or a spice rack, unless you find one with 38 electronic widgets to distract him from the domesticity of your gift, skip this idea. It’s more like something his sensible mother would send him, and many guys can feel territorial about changes you’re indirectly making to their homes.
Oh yeah and the reason my toaster oven is missing is because it ended up in the tub while my ex-girlfriend was taking a bath.
4. Elaborate handmade gifts.
While a gift you make can mean much more than anything store-bought, guys often get uncomfortable and feel obligated if you give them something you’ve truly toiled over. You also want to go easy on the handcrafted gifts that celebrate your union. A tray decoupaged with photos of the two of you is a bit much for anyone but a husband to handle.
Mainly because the poor bastard no longer has a choice.
5. Self-help anything.
Men don’t want you to change them; they want you to love them especially when the love is accompanied by vast quantities of sex. But sometimes women can’t resist helping a guy reach one of his long-term goals. A copy of "What Color is Your Parachute?", is not going to be received with great anticipation.
The same goes for any self-improvement-type gifts that he hasn’t explicitly, repeatedly mentioned wanting, whether it’s a gym membership, a gift certificate for a facial, a nose-hair trimmer (even though the guys on Queer Eye swear by them) or a Rogaine sample.
I have underwear with holes in it from 1999 for cryin’ out loud. You think you're going to change me from wearing them? Besides, we’re already perfect. Don’t you know that by now?
Bonus tip: Unlike women, men actually enjoy getting small appliances. Or even large ones. Except something that needs batteries, vibrates, and looks like a telefunken u47 should be skipped. Anything with the letters LCD HD is always a nice thought.
4 comments:
lol...well Strange, my guy OBJ had a ton of holey, not 'holy' underpants....favorites - yes; comfy - yes; but just not attractive at all. The loose elastic and holes just do not do it for me, so since I do the wash....they get chucked in the trash. However, I do replace them...Im not THAT mean!
So, I guess I should return the Air Supply CD and the pink shirt huh. I thought only 'real' men wear pink??
What colour do you think my holy underwear are? But I'm sure it's just age and that...uh...embarrassing bleeding problem.
I was distraught at the insensitiveness of this brutal post. Unlike you, you big heteronormative meanie, I am happy to receive the five gifts:
1) Clothes: I give these to the homeless. I feel better knowing that the snot green fag boy velour cardigan is keeping some solvent fancier warm and the chemical stench will keep lice and skin crabs away for a few days.
2) Saccharine stuff: Up to a few days ago, I would mail this to innocent men on death row in racist america, but Tookie has stopped his mail.
3) Kitchen and Bath Bric a Brac: I always send this with my food packages for famine relief to the oppressed third world. Imagine the happy faces, opening thier box of love from Canada, finding a few cans of canned pizza and some shrink wrapped bran muffins and some scented soap.
4) Elaborate Hand-made gifts: Surely, even an insensitive primate like you can appreciate the love that goes into such a gift? I treasure these and give them a place of honor in my candlelit shrine to my mother.
5) Self Help books: These always go to the waiting room of Doctor No. He says that it is good to look at uplifting material before and electronic pre-frontal massage.
You should attend a sensitivity course or at least put an elastic band around your testicles to change your world view. You make me cry.
I've already tried the elastic band Fenris. Other than my sack turning purple there was no change. Perhaps shock therapy?
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