I promised at that juncture that I would not sleep until I found something for the guys to sharpen their skills on as well. And other than the 72 hours it took me to install my Christmas lights, I haven’t.
Today I’m proud to say I have done extensive research on the subject with the help of Dan Savage, and sifted through a few helpful tips, (in bold), from women themselves. So instead of just posting a link, I'm going to give you the 411 on the cooch first hand.
Because unless you have a vagina attached to your body, or like me watch an abundance of lesbian porn and frequently take notes, we men have no clue what the hell we are doing down there.
Okay, here are your cunnilingus tips, boys!
Whatever you do, DO NOT use your teeth! Also try to keep the saliva down to a minimum.
Got it, boys? No teeth, and very little saliva.
SALIVA, SALIVA, SALIVA: I can't overemphasize the importance of plenty of lubrication.
No, wait--use saliva, boys, and lots of it. But no teeth.
The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words: cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick). But the action should include not only the tongue, but the teeth. Tongue: soft, yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down there!
No, wait--use your teeth to nibble, boys.
I don't think it's necessary for a guy to spend much time in any other area than the clitoris.
Focus on the clit, boys.
A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit.
No, wait--explore the whole pussy, boys.
As a closeted gay college student, I turned to my straight friends for guidance on "the deed," and one bit of advice actually worked: Lick the alphabet! One word of caution: SHE CAN'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! It is disastrous to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts, as was the case with me.
Lick the alphabet, boys, but don't let her know you're licking the alphabet.
I dated a guy who used "the alphabet song" to guide him along. Basically, he hummed the "A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, LMNOP..." song while drawing the letters with his tongue on my clit. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet!
No, wait. Tell her you're licking the alphabet, and she'll get wet when she hears the alphabet song.
Guys, don't slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas. All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women don't like small, limp dicks, so why simulate one with your tongue?
Don't stick your tongues in, boys.
A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around, pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It was amazing. The American guys I've slept with tend to lap politely. I guess this must be one of those things the French come up with in their six weeks of annual paid vacation.
No, wait--stick your tongues in the vaginal canal, boys.
So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they can't eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please, just lick me.
No fingers, boys, just tongue.
Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, curl your fingers toward you like you're saying, "Come here." Do this while you lick, and she'll come right then and there.
No, wait--use your fingers and tongue, boys.
Okay, let's review what we've learned: Use little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; don't use your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick the alphabet but don't tell her; lick the alphabet and tell her; don't stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; don't stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in.
I hope this was helpful. Of course, if it wasn't--if this post left you more confused--you might try ASKING THE WOMAN TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE LIKES. Personally, two things kept coming up while I was reading my 500 e-mails about cunnilingus: my lunch, and the sneaking suspicion that not all women enjoy the same things when it comes to oral sex. So, boys, you'll have to ask .
Memorize all this stuff and they'll be calling you Clitty McNub in no time and then you're ready to plug in and play.
6 comments:
Mr. Strange. This entire Blog is offensive. Especially the picture of the female genitalia
Relax Mitzie, It's a picture of my vagina.
Wow, that's your vagina? I'd really like to meet you.
tripple R, you may want to reconsider. That vagina is located in my arm-pit. Plus as a man I am also blessed with the standard racquet and gym bag between my legs.
Should we still use the tongue?
Yes but as Mayor, we can't risk it. There might be poison. I'll taste it for you first.
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