This week: mock stars, rock stars, schlock stars & cock stars

With the crimson fingers of dawn stretching across the morning sky, a black sedan with tinted windows raced to its destination. The enveloping arms of media, await like a lover anticipating coitus. The throng of onlookers jostle for position, race car drivers in the pace lap, hoping to catch a glimpse of the vehicles inhabitant.

Is it a rock star? The Queen? Fenris Badwulf? Who, Who, Who? Oh It’s only Karla Holmolka on her way to court.

People! Get a life, or at least 20 to life.

Two guys were apprehended in Scarborough, (where else), for dragging a life size cardboard replica of DarthVader tied to the bumper of their ride. The placard, stolen from a local Burger King, was returned without further incident. I guess they didn't like the movie much. Christ Almighty, what’s next, Dancing with Dogs?....

I’m glad you mentioned that. Did you know, you can now sign up for classes to waltz with your canine? That's right. Rhumba with Rex, Tango with Meatball. What’s next, watching your cat have sex? Dancing with dogs is one thing but I draw the line at kitty porn....come on work with me here.

Kylie Minogue. You know that chick who had that one hit remake of, "I think we’re alone now." She checked into a hospital this week to be treated for breast cancer. She also had several patients moved so she could have 8 adjoining rooms for herself, friends and family members. Her treatment shouldn’t be that complicated, since she apparently survived the heart surgery.

Hey! That guy, who played that guy on Hogan’s Heros. Yeah that one. He died this week. I don’t know who he was but let me tell you I’m terribly upset.

From the weekly study of weekly studies, comes a new drug that will develop a quicker bond of trust between mothers and their newborns. Certainly the infant must be pissed-off after being evicted from a nine month rent-free tenement. I feel, however, the real payday lies with the testosterone driven players in the thriving metropolis club district. I'm sure they could find more appropriate uses for those pills. "Of course I promise not to cum in your mouth. Trust me."

Let me ask you. "Sisterhood of the traveling pants," Is that not the worst title for a movie since "The Ya Ya Sisterhood"? I’d rather be dragged kicking and screaming through four miles of rodent excrement then see this film. Worse yet, it’s an adaptation from a novel of the same name. Yup, while I struggle to get interest in my manuscripts, out there somewhere, is a book with this title, on a shelf, and it has been successful enough to warrant being made into a movie.

So I guess I have to change the title of my next book to something brutal to attract attention. How about "Cricket piss through a sock ful of sand"? (Excerpts from "Cricket piss" coming in the near future).

But it could be worse.....ok it’s worse.
Clint Eastwood who turned 75 this week, has decided to make another Dirty Harry film. I’ll wait for the shock to pass.................................................I can’t wait that long. Given the potential of incontinent situations, it’ll probably be the dirtiest Harry yet.

Not to be outdone, Sly-and the family-Stalone, has decided to star in Rambo IV. Did I miss something . There was actually a Rambo III?

After 30 years the silence has been broken. We now know who Deep Throat was. If you missed it, let me tell ya. It was Linda Lovelace.