In honour of Sam's and the memories I have of those spinning neon discs as a child while I was being ass-raped in the alley across the street, I'd like to give you a few of the best sellers from "Sam's: The Early Years".
Who could forget the #1 album that first week?
Or the rest of the cool swingin' 60's?
Sam's was a leader in the sale of comedy albums.
Remember the 70's?
Sam's catered to all genres including the first albums exclusively for gay men.
Sam's never failed to change with the times....
....well, I guess except for downloading. That's why they went out of business. Anyhoo, we'll miss you Sam the Record Man.
10 video tribute to Scott Baio. It’s like driving by an accident involving a couple of Clown Cars and there’s blood ,guts and the carnage of happy painted faces everywhere. You have to look.
It's so hot, I can't be bothered to do a "It's so hot" joke. So here's a link of our little- now very annoying- friend the Dramatic Chipmunk/Prairie Dog/ Squirrel/ Robert De Niro understudy/ whatever- literally jumping the shark.
With Live Free, Die Hard, Smack a Baby, Marry an Ugly Woman, set to hit theatres this week, let's look at another film that didn't make the cut for this Summer blockbuster season.
Which shouldn’t be too hard since today is the Gay Pride Parade in the Big Smoke- the most successful event of its kind, responsible for bringing in millions in tourist dollars.
Personally I’ll just remain home and celebrate quietly....not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I’ll get out the old Cher and Rocky Horror vinyl LPs out of the closet (no pun intended), maybe put on a wig and boa and have a blast, with GIGC and the cat as my witnesses.
If like me, you’re into staying put with your debauchery, instead of a drunken public display of alternative lifestyles, perhaps I can make a few recommendations for your listening pleasure?
I’m sorry you have the Wong number
China has been forced to mull the possibility of allowing double-barrelled surnames in a break with the ancient tradition that citizens adopt one of a hundred single character surnames.
The top ten Chinese surnames are: Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, Wu.
The official total of permitted surnames is 161, but this doesn't do much to offset the fact that there are now 93 million Wangs in China - albeit very tiny wangs- something which is causing the authorities a bit of a problem.
Proposed additions to surnames are: Hung Low, Sum Yung Guy, Jones, Smith, Wong Way, Biff, and Angel-Drawers- just to name a few.
Police Official, Xang Biff Angel-Drawers, explained that "there are so many people who share an identity that it is becoming confusing", a name like Wang Tao is shared by no less than 100,000 people. "You can see how police work can be very difficult."
Journey begins as Sopranos end
Whatever you think of David Chase’s weird ending to “The Sopranos,” there’s no denying that the final song, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin,” was a catchy, slightly kitschy choice of music. So catchy that one might be tempted to buy into the theory that Chase’s bizarre final scene was in fact a giant practical joke.
Of course it's no practical joke for Journey who have seen sales, airplay and downloads of their music increase in some cases up to 600%.
But if that song absolutely drives you over the edge, you can access this link. You can insert your own music over the ending sequence. Try the theme from "Curb Your Enthusiasm". By far, a much better choice. Thou shall not flip me off
The Vatican has issued 10 Commandments for drivers. The 36-page document called Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road outlines suggestions for those who need a little direction while behind the wheel to keep them from travelling on a highway to hell.
Some of my favorites, in no particular order are:
Thou shall not pick up hookers, drug addicts, gay, lesbian, or trans-gendered people. (In other words: Avoid the Toronto downtown core this weekend.)
Thou shall not covet thy neighbours stick shift.
Thou shall put no SUV before thy God.
Thou may pray unless praying for the light to turn green.
Thou shall not pick, scratch or otherwise pleasure thy self behind the wheel.
Thou shall not take the lord’s name in vain unless a GPS system and a midget are involved.
Thou shall not use thy steering wheel as a drum set during Rush songs.
OK I was just kidding about the last one...oh and all the ones that preceded it. But don't you think I should be working for the Vatican?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hacker
A hacker named Gabriel claims to have hacked into the computers of Bloomsbury, the publishing house that distributes the Harry Potter books. The hacker claims to have used a browser exploit to gain access to the final Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Gabriel has posted a major, and I do mean MAJOR spoiler which happens near the end of the story.
I in turn am going to post the spoiler here. Why? Cause I’m a prick.....and here it is.......Are you ready?
*Warning: Spoiler*
Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.
There. No need to buy the book now.
Great moments in Pottahawk history
The attack of Godzilla Johny Wad in '03
Idol search on idle
OK, so last week wasn’t really a video replay of a Private Sector rehearsal, It was however, a band we were considering as our opening act for the up coming tour.
Unfortunately, they are already booked and will be touring various tool sheds in Austria this fall.
Therefore, the search is on for the perfect opening act who will suck just enough to make us look and sound spectacular.
Feel free to cast your votes for whoever you feel would be the best representative. Here are two worthy combatants vying for our interest.
First we have Bunchoffuckincrybabies.
Secondly we present Butch, Alvin's cousin twice removed, the fourth Chipmunk that was kicked out of the band for obsessive heroin use.
This week I recommend: Tubby Boots- Goes Topless.....But let it be know it was under duress. I was at gun point by the Coalition for Over-sized Women, two minutes away from being strung up by my feet and having my bare ass pumped full of chip-dip in front of a hoard of angry plus-sized gals with bags of Ruffles.
Forget Summer officially arrives today and from now on the days get shorter in a long slow death into winter, we have more important things to attend to you and I....like.....
10 obscure beer brands. Includes beer for dogs. Now aren't you happy you stopped by today.
You know what? I'm glad I don't live in Japan. 10 bizarre Japanese soft-drinks. Seems to me, you could slip most of these into the last category.
Because you've been good....except for you GIGC- You've been very,very bad....here's today's bonus link. How to make a ping-pong gun capable of taking down enemies and killing small animals- especially that beer drinking dog.
I can't tell you how much fun we've had around the Mayor's office with these babies. Everyone loves them.....almost everyone....there is Old One-eyed Charlie. He doesn't care for them so much.
Or I guess it should be- I don't have anything? Either way you look at it it's still diddly squat, nada, zilch, zippo, bottom of the barrel, a big fat goose egg.......so how about a link of chicks fighting in Jell-o?
So what's the big release in the theatres this week? Evan Almighty? And what's next? Again with the Die Hard , The Simpson's Movie? Will it ever end? Will I ever stop asking asinine questions?
So many movies , so little Summer.
Once again, I present to you- Blockbusters that were considered for summer release, but sadly passed over.
I’ve been a little remiss in my duties this week as far as keeping an ear out for all things freaky and weird. Hence, I have nothing in the way of news to Blog about.
Sure, there was talk of making public breast feeding the norm, which would destroy the sale of milk-based products in restaurants and grocery stores.
And alarming statistics were released concerning an increase in accidents when wearing stilettos while driving , but since my last accident I’ve moved to the more comfortable flip-flops.
I guess really, my mind has been preoccupied with Father’s Day and band rehearsals- which are going fine BTW- thanks for asking. Just check this out. We could probably start doing shows tomorrow and would probably still be playing now if the Ice Cream Truck hadn't showed up.
Thanks to the ubiquitous Bob Noxious for providing the video evidence. That was him in the red shorts coming on to stage right.
In all I’m not left with much of a blog this week. My sincerest apologies, or “you owe me one”- depending on which side of the Strange fence you sit.
However, I will leave you with this hopefully entertaining tidbit.....
Great moments in Pottahawk history
The first Pottahawk was no where near the great success it is today, happening purely by accident. It was the Roaring 20's when an errant beach goer dropped his pocket watch in the murky waters of Pottahawk. Many a considerate bystander agreed to help him find it in the waist-deep soup.
Yet, it wasn’t until later in the day when a young woman also lost her knickers that the excitement increased to a fevered pitch- a sexual feeding frenzy, that is to this day, unmatched in the celluloid annals of modern Adult Bukkake Cinema .
In later years the acts of wanton sex would give way to the less intrusive ritual of women showing off their breasts for the accumulation of dollar store beads, with all curbing their lust by ingesting alcohol in an on going reckless destruction of the liver.
Besides the above album that is. First, let's get a few things straight. DO NOT get me another tie, BBQ set, belt, wallet, pair of socks, more underwear (the ones with the holes in them suit me fine), sweater,(this is summer for Christ's sake), shirt, (even if you do think pink is my colour), or lame ass book unless it has pictures of naked women and the title includes words like "bukkake MILF orgy".
Last year I was all excited when I got one titled, "Driving the Skin Bus into Tuna Town".....until I found out it was a children's book.
Now I know most of you can't afford the Porsche, The wall-sized LCD, or the modelesque sex chick for GIGC and myself, but here are a few other gadgets to ponder that I would accept graciously.
Super Realistic Missile Balloons
Man people would so get out of my way on the road if I had these babies chasing me. Just imagine, you'd never have to worry about traffic again.
Pee Goal You know I can't tell you how many times I've uttered the phrase, "piss on soccer!" Now here's my chance and I can keep score in the process.
Hidden Beer Belly Storage Pack
Since I already have a gut, people won't question where all the weight came from.
Remote Controlled Lawn Mower
I don't like cutting the grass as it is, but a device like this would make the process much easier. Plus, I could chase down that annoying mutt from next door that keeps pissing on my paper.
> Poop Odor Eliminator Pills
Really says it all don't ya think?
Complete Cock Care Kit
Man! The number of times I've turned down sex because I haven't trimmed my Johnson. Sometimes I've been hard pressed to find the damn thing in that jungle of hair. Well, no more.
Gentleman's Silver Ball Scratcher
This goes hand in hand with the last gift...*hint*....in case you have a little money left over. After all I'll need something to scratch with when the hair starts to grow back in.
Automatic Finger Flicking Lighter
Not only does this hand lighter emit a green flame it also utters the phrase "Fuck you!" twice. This and the missile balloons and there's no stopping me.
I was just over at Mitchieville looking at Reg's post about US spelling bee champ Kevin O’Dorney and I'm thinking to myself, there's some other words this kid will have to spell frequently in his lifetime: L-O-N-E-R, F-R-E-A-K, T-E-R-R-O-R-I-S-T, R-A-P-I-S-T, M-U-R-D-E-R-E-R, I-N-C-A-R-C-E-R-A-T-I-O-N....Just to name a few.
Anyhoo, it's come to this. My final "They sure didn't make toys like that when I was a kid" post. And for you, just for you....that's right I'm pointing at you right now and know one else, Timmy, Susan, Mayor, GIGC, Reg, Jeff, Mohammad, Anonymous blogger link guy/girl.
Let's get on with it.
Personally, I'd skip the "Flesh Drink" (Damn Japanese!) and go for Garfield. Now that I think of it, I'm deeply saddened I didn't have a toy like that when I was a kid.
Seems every week there is a new blockbuster movie release in theatres; Pirates, Shrek, Spiderguy, Oceans 92....I could go on and on, but I thought maybe you'd like to see some of the big movie releases they had to pass over for the summer to fit the others in? There's only so many weekends.
If someone pees in the water at Pottahawk and no one is there to see, does the water still turn a brownish, greenie-yellow?
As you can tell by the size of my CN Tower-sized manhood, I'm pretty excited about this year's "best day ever". In the coming days I will be posting some great moments in Pottahawk history for your enjoyment. Of course there will be pictures of this year sure to have 20% more frolic, and a return of a crowd favorite, "Where's Johnny Wad?"
Guess who's back Back in jail Paris’s back Looking pale Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.
So the Judge won't let you be or let you be free, so let me see Nobody cares, how much you kick, cry , scream Just like “The Simple Life” season three So, get ready to dip, bum on your lips Fuck that, cum on your lips, and some on your tits And get ready, cause this shit's not about you Paris You can’t turn to your Lawyer, Psychiatrist, Mom and Dad, Heiress This is extortion, of biblical proportions 40 days and 40 nights with little meal portions? How will I survive, in there they want me dead or alive? Why, even these orange jumpsuits give me hives
(chorus) Don’t matter how much you scream and yell Like the guy outside court who raised some hell Cause now you hear the tolling bell You’re going back to that tiny cell Don’t matter how much you scream and yell Like the guy outside court who raised some hell Cause now you hear the tolling bell You’re going back to that tiny cell
I'd rather go down on my husband
Twenty percent of women would rather walk on hot coals, go to the dentist, or wear an orange jumpsuit, than wear a swimsuit. In fact, fifty percent of women have turned down invitations that required wearing a swimsuit, and 45 percent would never walk around the beach or pool without covering up first, according to the results of a body image survey published in the June 2007 issue of Fitness magazine.
Fitness, in partnership with Lands' End, polled 500 women, ages 18-49, to understand how women's behaviour, anxiety level, and self-confidence are affected when wearing a swimsuit. The results point to a discouraging trend of women so conscious about their shape and size that it affects the way they live and interact with friends, colleagues, and family.
Ladies let me put your worries to rest. Even if you have a little extra meat on the bone, or cottage cheese on the thighs, junk in the trunk as well as the back seat, or you are voluptuous, don’t worry. Men may think you’re fat but they’ll still fuck you anyway.
Hogzilla
The huge hog that became known as "Monster Pig" was killed by an 11-year-old boy.
Jamison Stone shot the huge hog during what he and his father described as a three-hour chase. They said it was more than 1,000 pounds and 9 feet long; if anything, it looked even bigger in a now-famous photo of the hunter and the hunted.
Either way you look at it, that's a lot of friggin' bacon. And I'm sure you wouldn't see it in a swimsuit either?
Thanks for the story Bug.
Jiminy cricket?
Apparently cricket is the worlds second most popular sport behind soccer. In Brampton however it now rules the roost where there are a shortage of pitches to play on.
Only a few years ago Brampton had only 12 cricket teams. The number has since swelled to 74 teams, surpassing hockey and baseball as the dominate sport in the area.
Brampton also leads the way in the permeating aroma of curry powder and the number of mattresses on lawns.
This shit could sell
The price of nitrogen-based fertilizer is soaring in the United States. In just a few months prices have jumped 50%. Most commercially available nitrogen-based fertilizer is originally derived from natural gas or methane, and natural gas prices have been rising steadily this year.
Also, Corn cultivation requires oodles of nitrogen, and the acreage of farmland devoted to corn in the U.S. this year has jumped dramatically. When the cost of production of a commodity and the demand for it rise at the same time, you've got trouble.
So now manufacturers, suppliers and users have turned to chicken shit, literally, to meet the demand. The poop in the coop has chickens working overtime and farmers banking on the industry.
Just let me know when you need my excrement? I’m already bagging it up and storing it in the shed just in case.
Maybe God should learn to dress snappier?
The days of hats, gloves and keeping covered up in your Sunday best must be long gone because there's a rash of brash dressing in Toronto -- and no doubt elsewhere across the country. Not surprising, given that "dressing up" for women often means a great pair of jeans, chic platforms and a glam top that flatters and camouflages any problem spots.
Church is the best place to meet chicks.....that and funerals.
A Toronto Pastor has issued two notices on 'Dressing for Church' in his Sunday bulletins, asking women to "dress in a 'modest' way -- a way that does not draw undue attention to your beauty or physique, so that you will not be upstaging God, who gave you these gifts."
Damn! God must be a real horndog, or at the very least a Sugar Daddy? You know GIGC thought I was a Sugar Daddy when she met me, but she soon found out I was just a low-cal saccharine man.
Strapless dresses, T-shirts and short skirts, oh my! How will people keep their eyes on their hymn books?
I don't know about that. Seems to me vivacious women would have me praying a lot more.....TO GET SOME! OH YEAH! I'm headed to the Corral tonight!
Initially I was going to do a weekly Paris Hilton diary from jail....however, as many of you may already know, she was released today to 40 days of house arrest instead. So, you will have to enjoy the abbreviated version of her three day stay in the slammer.
Day 1 excerpts: 8:00 AM- Paris checks in and thankfully doesn’t have to submit to a full body cavity search; a project her fellow inmates will no doubt examine at a later time. 8:01 AM- Paris cries for the first time. 8:05 AM- Paris asks if the jump-suits come in another colour other than flat, fall pumpkin citrus? 8:05:15 AM- When informed they also come in orange, Paris cries again. 8:21 AM- Paris is aghast at the limited closet space and wants to know when she’ll be seeing the rest of her accommodations? 8:22 AM- Informed that the closet is her cell, Paris cries. 9:15 AM- Paris asks for a Perrier with a lemon twist. 9:16 AM- When informed she has perfectly good water located in her toilet, Paris cries and spends much of the rest of the day crying.
Day 2 excerpts:
7:00 AM- The bidding begins and Paris is sold to Big Bertha for a pack of smokes and a tube of lip gloss. 7:01 AM- Paris spends the rest of the day crying and hiding under her bunk while Big Bertha runs to grease up her fist. 10:17 PM- Paris complains of being cold and asks for another blanket. 10:22 PM- Guards deliver the blanket- made from the jagged-ass-wool from around a sheep’s anus. 10:22:02 PM- Paris cries.
Day 3 excerpts:
9:01 AM- Paris gets a visit from her Lawyer and her Psychiatrist. It is determined that Paris will be released to serve out her sentence in the confines of her 9,000 square foot home, but will have to wear a monitoring ankle bracelet. 9:02 AM- Paris asks how many diamonds are on the bracelet? 9:03 AM- When informed none, Paris cries and is escorted home.
* Apparently her early release was due to an unspecified medical reasons.
I’m no doctor, but I didn’t think having a fist pumped repeatedly into your vagina was classified as a medical reason?
Personally I am so outraged by this blatant two-tiered justice system for the rich that if I could afford to stay in the Hilton, I wouldn't, just to protest. I'd say "That's the last time you'll ever find me in a Hilton", which of course is what Big Bertha said too. *snare/cymbal*
I know when Anaheim wins the cup it's going to be like finding out an ex girlfriend now swallows, but as a Canadian, I'm going to tell you why it's better to see the Ducks drink from Lord Stanley's mug.
To a man, Anaheim has three more Canadian players on their roster than the Ottawa Senators. With each member allowed to retain the cup for three days- do the math- that's nine days more the silver hardware actually spends north of the 49th parallel.
Evan M.O'Dorney 13, who won this year's championship by correctly spelling the winning word "truck", has graciously agreed to be here and help me out on this weeks Blog.
Coming out of the closet
So David Hyde Pierce is gay huh?........yup........OK, what's next?
A-Rod an A-Hole
A-Hole....Capitol A...hyphen....
Not yet Evan.
Sorry.
If it wasn't bad enough the ubiquitous Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees.......I said the ubiquitous Alex Rodriguez, Evan.....
Oh....ubiquitous.....U-B-I-Q-U-I-T-O-U-S
Very good Evan. Now go back into your coma.
The ubiquitous A-Rod was seen with a mysterious blonde woman gallivanting around Toronto this week while his wife and 2 and a half year old daughter remained in New York. Then A-Rod pulled another Bush League move, breaking baseball's unwritten code, by yelling "Mine!" and distracting a Toronto infielder which allowed a ninth-inning popup to fall for a run-scoring single.
Troy Glaus, Toronto's regular third baseman, said the last time he saw that move was in the baseball comedy "Major League 2."
What's next for A-Rod? A terrorist plot against the Mets I'll bet?
The bigger they are
Doesn't really matter because, now there's a catalogue that acquiesces.....
Acquiesces.....A-Q-U-I-E-S-C-E-S
....to the obese American who is living larger virtually every day.
At first glance, the catalog's pitch for lawn chairs appears ordinary: A seated man and woman relax near a tree-lined lake shore, enjoying drinks.
But look closer. "Supports up to 800 lbs," reads the text next to the man's $139.95 lawn chair.
Flip deeper into the catalog, and the products get even more specialized, such as a "Big John" toilet seat with a 1,200-pound capacity - "larger than any other toilet seat in the world" - priced at $124.95.
The products are in "LivingXL," an online and print catalog launched in May by the parent company of Casual Male XL, the nation's largest chain of men's plus-size clothing and apparel stores. Casual Male Retail Group hopes to parlay the marketing know-how from its 500 stores into the largely untapped market for specialty products that make life easier for the growing population of obese men and women.
A monster of a sighting
An amateur scientist has captured what Loch Ness Monster watchers say is among the finest footage ever taken of the elusive mythical creature reputed to swim beneath the waters of Scotland's most mysterious lake.
"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw this serendipitous jet black thing...."
Serendipitous....S-E-R-E-N...
Evan let the guy talk.........ya little bastard.
"about 45-feet (15 meters) long, moving fairly fast in the water," said Gordon Holmes, the 55-year-old a lab technician from Shipley, Yorkshire, who took the video this past Saturday.
Sorry...the real video was just too boring. The real vid is here if your suffering from insomnia.
Coming in 3's 3 summer jobs I wouldn't want:
1. Iraqi Policeman 2. Pool boy for George Takei 3. Personal boil sucker for Rosie O'Donnell
3 people I wouldn't want to be:
1. An Ottawa Senators fan 2. Paris Hilton's cellmate 3. Paparazzi for Charles Nelson Reilly
3 items I wouldn't want to be:
1. A-Rod's wife's wedding ring 2. Lindsay Lohan's panties- cause she never wears them. 3. A toilet seat capable of supporting 1,200 lbs.
I read the news today oh-boy
Another milestone has passed as Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band celebrated its 40th anniversary this week..........What was that David Hyde Pierce thing again?
Extra Extra
Over the past few weeks there have been so many stories worthy of ridicule, yet no time or space to present them all. However, I will endeavor Endeavor....E-N-D-E.....
Shut up Even!
I will endeavor to present most of them now in case you missed any.
Charles Manson was denied parole yet again, which was a shame because he really was looking forward to attending the Starwars 30th anniversary with a big breasted German woman who had just been fired from her job for continuous breast augmentation.
Augmentation...A-
Evan! What did I say?.......fuckin' kids!
Arnold Schwarzenegger who visited Toronto this week said Manson may be out in time to see The Adams Family Musical, which could star Jon Lovitz who was given a life time contract by the Laugh Factory to perform every Wednesday, or until Barbara Streisand cancels her next concert in Rome.
Thanks once again or our special guest, Spelling Bee Champion Evan....
Today's most shocking, non-shocking news: David Hyde Pierce, who played Niles Crane on the sitcom Fraser, has annouced he is gay and has been so for years.
David! We don't care! We cared back when we found out Rock Hudson was, but come on!
However, just for you, I recommend the following: Kevin Rowland- My Beauty.
It will have you longing for cock sausage and trucker thighs in no time.......Bring me my sausage!
