Last week during my review of The Departed I stated, perhaps GIGC was becoming disappointed with my love making skills and I had been stripped of my title- Spectacular- and relegated to the lesser vestige of someone who is, just good.
I vowed to get in more practice with the female of the species and come back stronger than ever.
Following is a survey I have prepared for my multiple, vagina-card-carrying, partners in an effort to better myself and regain my lofty sexual prowess with GIGC.
1- Dear female: You have just had sex with me. Was it a disappointing experience?
2- During foreplay, which of the following breast-stimulation techniques did I employ?
a) The Tune in Tokyo
b) The Kneading Dough
c) The Soft Caress
d) The Obligatory Nipple Suck
3- You realized I was interested in having sexual intercourse with you when I...
a) Poured you a glass of wine and dimmed the lights
b) Came out of the bathroom naked
c) Put on porn "by mistake"
d) Announced, "It's not going to suck itself"
e) Drugged your drink
4- When I first moved my hand downtown, you thought
a) "Don't stop"
b) "Please stop"
c) I'd dropped a Cheeto.
5- Seeing me naked for the first time made you...
a) Hot with anticipation
b) Jealous of my boobs
c) Ask whether you could braid my back hair
d) Wish you had a smaller vagina
6- When you were kind enough to give me oral attention, I...
a) Made sure to return the favor later in the evening
b) Grabbed your ears as if I was hoisting the Stanley Cup
c) Repeatedly shouted directions at you
d) Purposefully misled you about the timing of my climax
7- I treated your clitoris like it was a:
b) Speed bag
c) Delicate mandolin
d) Paper triangle football
8- Which words best describe my penis?
e) What penis?
9- In my mind, the sex lasted for hours. In reality, it took up:
a) 1 min. - less than 2 min.
b) 2 min. - less than 3 min.
c) 3 min - less than 4 min.
d) Greater than 4 min.
10- How many orgasms did you have?
d) One - in the bathroom afterward riding my electric shaver.
11- Over the course of the night, the most inappropriate thing I tried to use on you was...
a) A cheesy pickup line
b) A Black Mambo vibrator with crocodile ribs
c) The shocker
d) The sleeper hold
e) The Dirty Sanchez
12- Did I say anything embarrassing at the point of the orgasm?
Yes, and here it is (please spell phonetically in the comment box)
13- During our five minutes or less of intercourse, how many positions did I bust out?
b) 2 - 3
c) 4 - 6
d) 7 or more
e) You don't know. The pain of your ankles up behind your ears was too excruciating.
14- You cried during intercourse. Why?
a) I was crushing you
b) I was pulling your hair
c) It was just that big
d) I brought back painful memories of that time you were with your uncle in the woodshed.
e) It wasn't tears - it was my sweat that had fallen onto your face
15- Immediately after finishing our act of lovemaking, I...
a) Tried to high-five you
b) Fell asleep on the wet spot
c) Cuddled you attentively
d) Turned the TV back on so I could watch Heroes
16- What best describes the view you had when you woke up?
a) A sleeping Adonis
b) A puddle of drool
c) My Star Wars bedsheets
d) My best friend sneaking out from his hiding place in the closet with the video camera
Thank you for participating in this survey. Please leave your answers in the comment box and I promise I won't comment on your box.