Thursday, February 08, 2007

Recommended: 5 daily servings

When looking for a handy sex aid, many of us turn to the produce aisle for inspiration--- I know I did when I worked in the industry--- and a dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

While the humble cucumber and its comrades have served well, there are some more elaborate creations out there for the right devious mind. Take for instance....

The Classic Cucumber Dildo

The cucumber is a time-honored favorite from the refrigerator. Now it's been updated with a bullet vibrator and a celery stick clit stimulator.

Cut off the end of a cucumber and dig a hollow in it about twice as long as your bullet vibrator. Cut a length of celery about four inches long. About an inch from the open end of the cuke, cut a hole in the side just big enough to fit the celery. Push the bullet vibe all the way in, then insert the celery stalk, pushing it down behind the bullet. You'll feel the vibrations deep inside while the celery ridges tickle your clit. You'll be halfway to a tossed salad in no time.

The Papaya Pussy

The super slick flesh of this fruit combines with smooth slippery seeds creating a sensation you won't soon forget.

Select a ripe papaya long enough to fit your penis but small enough to hold comfortably in one hand....if you're Bob Noxious you'll need two papaya.

Cut a hole in the round end (not the stem end) a little smaller than your penis. Remove most of the pulp and loose seeds from the inside, leaving some attached to the sides to make "ridges". The papaya is ready to use at this point, but you can also add vibration. At the stem end, cut a small hole through the meat of the papaya perpendicular to the tunnel and slide in a small bullet vibrator.

Cucumber Melon Ball

Once you get past the image that this thing looks like a Disney character you should be fine. Insertion of a cucumber dildo into the melon base is so it an be "ridden". Also note the addition of a vibrator and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation.

Cut two holes in a melon a couple of inches apart. Size the holes so that your cucumbers will fit in snugly. Cut a few inches off the end of a cucumber, carve ridges into the surface, and hollow out the base to fit a bullet vibrator. Cut a small notch in the base to accommodate the wire when the piece is inserted. Fit the bullet in place and insert the cuke section into one of the holes, then push the other whole cucumber into place in the other. This can be ridden facing either direction, with the vibrating element pressing against the clit or anal area.


English Cucumber Double Dong

You and a friend can share your love of produce with this two-ended toy. Select the longest English cucumber you can find. One with a curve to it is ideal. Near the center of the cuke, carve out two small holes in which to insert your bullet vibrators. You can leave the vibrators sticking up a bit to nudge your clit(s). Added, are some textured jelly cock rings for extra stimulation.

I can't wait to watch GIGC try this one out.

Japanese Eggplant Wand

These elegant eggplants have many advantages as a sex toy - they're long, smooth, slightly pliant, come in a variety of sizes, and are often gently curved. Installing a bullet vibrator by carving out a hollow near the stem end of the eggplant is advised. As a clitoral tickler, note the frilly kale leaf. To insert the kale, poke a hole through the eggplant with a skewer or small knife and thread the kale stem through. A little vegetable oil "lube" can ease the way.

Bell Pepper- Asparagus Clit Vibe

In general, it's best to stay away from peppers when making sex toys from food, however the following is an exception for this sweet red bell pepper--- GIGC is allergic to the green peppers. To make this toy, carefully cut the bell pepper on the diagonal so that the "bump" inside below the stem remains intact. Remove all seeds and trim the inner membranes around the protuberance. With a corer or knife, cut around the stem and remove it, leaving the rest of the cap intact. Carve out a hollow where the stem was and insert a bullet vibe. For an optional anal tickler, cut a small hole below the vibrator and insert a sturdy stalk of asparagus with a base wider than the tip. The asparagus can rest against the anal area.

I don't suggest inserting it, but if you do, cover the entire toy with a condom in case the stalk breaks.....And for God's sake never add cheese sauce....I won't be doing that again.

One Potato Two Potato

This hefty yam promises to be mighty filling, while a small potato serves as a side dish. Cut an inch or two off the end of a yam or sweet potato. If the other end is pointy, carve it down and round it off. Use an apple corer to remove flesh from the inside of the yam, carving out a hole long enough and wide enough to insert a slim vibrator. This dual vibrator has an attached bullet, slipped into a small Yukon Gold potato, also cored out.

Oh yeah! Pass the butter!

Zucchini Carrot Combo

Zucchinis are a favorite alternative to the classic cucumber dildo. Here there's additional baby carrots for clit and G-spot stimulation. Cut a couple of inches off the end of a zucchini, carefully hollow it out, and insert a slim vibrator. Near the base of the zuke, make some small circular holes 1/4 to 1/2 inch in diameter. Cut off short lengths of baby carrots and insert into the holes. Adjust the height of the bumps depending on how wild a ride you want.

Starfruit Passion

This tropical fruit is just the right size and shape for an exotic sex toy. Select a starfruit that is underripe and firm. Cut a small hole in the stem end and hollow out a cavity just big enough for a bullet vibrator. Insert the bullet (if it's not waterproof, you may need to cover it with plastic wrap to protect it from the juice). The starfruit's ridges are perfect for gliding along your clit, and produce unique sensations when inserted.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to the market to pick up a few things.

No comments: