Ready for the big O?

This Sunday is the 76th annual Oscars. Many of you will be yawning at this moment but that’s because you don’t know how to party. Around the ol’ hacienda, the Oscars are bigger than Jesus (Thank Christ I just sold my Beatle collection) Every year for the last five we’ve designed parties around this blessed event and had one rip-roarin-dirty-sanchez-of-a-time. However, I’ve wondered much the past few years as the winners pull those pages from their pockets and rambled off their speeches, what happens to the prepared speeches of the losers?

Now I have the answer my friends. Retrieved from the waste paper basket at last year's Oscars, excerpts of acceptance speeches you never heard.

Actual winner- Sean Penn (Mystic River) best actor

Nominated- Ben Kingsley (House of Sand and Fog)
"I promised if I won this I was going to take this gun and kill Sean Penn on national television...so smile you Son of a bitch."

Actual winner- Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) best director

Nominated- Clint Eastwood (Mystic River)
"It's true what they say, the Always with wings is more comfortable. I didn’t think I was going to win. honestly I though Peter Jackson had this wrapped up. This is a dream come true yet again and I now feel I can retire with dignity. I was going to do another film called Million Dollar Baby but there’s no need to do it now. Thanks...for makin my day and my career."

Actual winner- The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - Art Direction: Grant Major; Set Decoration: Dan Hennah and Alan Lee

Nominated- Girl with a Pearl Earring - Art Direction: Ben Van Os; Set Decoration: Cecile Heideman

"Thanks"

Actual winner-Foreign language film The Barbarian Invasions - A Cinémaginaire Inc. Production; Canada (Winner)

Nominated- Zelary - A Total HelpArt T.H.A./Barrandov Studio Production; Czech Republic
"Hahahahahaha! Yes, yes! In your face Barbarian Invasions everyone though you were going to win. You were so smug out there on the red carpet. So sure of yourself. Well, how do you say? 'You stupid fucks! Look at you now.' Boo frickity boo hoo and yes I actually wrote that down on my acceptance speech. "

Actual winner-Adapted Screenplay (The Lord of the Rings) - Screenplay by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens & Peter Jackson

Nominated- Braulio Mantovani (City of God)
(Excerpt of 19 pages) "I thought Lord of the Rings was going to win. Just as well so many people worked on that film they’d probably be up here for hours thanking everyone. We so rule. First I’d like to thank the big guy up stairs. No, not God, well I’d like to thank him too, but my neighbour Lars who stands 6' 7" thank you for being so noisy and keeping me up nights so I could write my adapted screen play. I’d like to thank the Academy for making a choice I know they won’t regret. Momma and Poppy, I know you are watching me from above. I’d also like to thank my children Cody, William, Zeek, Omar, Lily and little baby Jeffery, my cat mittens, all the girls down at the Canasta club, the mailman, the people involved in this film right down to the gaffers and best boy grip. I’d like to thank the makeup girl for putting the chocolate on the saucer next to my tea every morning. The great people in this industry who came before me let’s see in 1917 there were the following...."