Friday, February 29, 2008

Leap not so great

Do not count me among those who rejoice every time there's a leap year. Seems to me it adds one more day before GIGC and myself can get to Pottahawk and that sucks.

Over the years many have anguished over this day every four years for different reasons. Not to mention the birthday children born in 1988 who are waking up to the familiar Natal Day chorus and blowing out 5 candles.

Here are some other dastardly things that have happened on this date throughout history.

1288 - Scotland established this day as one when a woman could
propose marriage to a man! If he refused, he was required to pay a fine.

Let me get my wallet out.

1704 - The town of Deerfield, MA was raided on this date by French
Canadians and Indians who were trying to retrieve their church bell that
had been shipped from France. The bell was to hang in the Canadian
Indian's village church. Neither the raiders nor the residents of Deerfield
were aware that the bell had been stolen from the ship. The Deerfield
folks had purchased the bell from a privateer, unaware that it belonged to
the Indian congregation. Although 47 people were killed in the incident,
we could say that the 120 captured were saved by the bell.

Finally! Someone whos jokes are worse than mine.

1860 - The first electric tabulating machine -- the forerunner of the
calculator -- was invented by Herman Hollerith. We think it was
unfortunate that Mr. Hollerith chose to make his invention on Leap Day,
causing the machine to only calculate numbers divisible by four.

I think my Son had that calculator in Math. No wonder he failed.

1932 - Bing Crosby and the Mills Brothers teamed up to record "Shine"
for Brunswick Records.

Hold on. Let me look through Dad's desert island record collection.

1944 - The invasion of the Admiralty Islands began on this date as U.S.
General Douglas MacArthur led his forces in "Operation Brewer".
Troops surged onto Los Negros, following a month of Allied advances in
the Pacific.

No wonder the Japanese hate the number 29 or did I dream it?

1960 - A report from the White House stated that America's kids were
getting too fat!

I see that report did a lot of good.

1964 - A shuttlecock
drive record was set by Frank Rugani this day. Mr. Rugani slammed the
birdie 79-feet, 8-1/2 inches in a test at San Jose, CA. A giant leap for
badminton. A little leap for all mankind.


I always wondered why badminton was so popular?


1988 - "Day by Day", a situation comedy, premiered on this date on
NBC-TV. It was one of the "yuppie sitcoms" that were all over the TV
dial in the late '80s. This particular one was about a suburban
overachieving couple who dropped out and opened up a day-care center
in their home to spend more quality time with their children. The quality
time lasted just under five months.

Never fear; Disney is in production to bring it to the big screen.

1992 - Mr. Big hit it big this day, moving to #1 with, "To Be with You".
It would be the biggest hit in the U.S. for three big weeks.

I told you; disastrous. Could it get any worse?

yes it could. The Worldwide Leap year Festival

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Let me make it up to you

Judging from the hits Strangedaze received last week and the numbers who watched the Oscars last Sunday, there aren't too many people interested in the award show of awards shows.

I must admit that I, Strange, am also not fond of the scrutiny of microscopic proportions that goes into the event from the red carpet on out.

In fact, today, I'd like to shun the glitz and glamour to reveal the dark underbelly of the real Hollywood by giving you the link to celebrities without makeup. Don't look for Tilda Swinton. I don't think she could look any worse.

Why even I must admit that I look much better after the hair and facial reconstruction team get through with me. See my before and after... and no jokes about which one's which.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

You don't know shit

And to prove it to you, I offer up Tuesday by the numbers.....

and 5 things you don`t know about poop.

10 movies from the 80`s that are so awful they`re great.

Because it`s only Tuesday, it`s snowing (again), and you have another three days to go before the weekend. 117 reasons to Hulk-out.

And because I don`t want you to Hulk-out, 10 porno bloopers.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Dad's desert island collection #8

Dad swears this album was nominated for best original score in 1956 but lost to The King and I.

After watching my readership plummet this week in a complete lack of interest for anything Oscar related, I certainly hope not. I would prefer to return to regularly scheduled blogging.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

And the Cunt goes to......

In past years the word "Fuck" has surfaced with monotonous regularity in mainstream cinema. One need look no further than last year’s Oscar winner The Departed which had more fucks in it than the entire Ron Jeremy catalogue.

I know I've posted it before, but perhaps you need to be reminded....



The word has been so misused that we now have become immune and never flinch when we hear it in every day life. "Timmy you little fuck! You wiped your shitty diaper all over the fuckin' wall!"

I remember back in the good old days when my mother dragged me to see the Godfather and I heard the curse of all curses, I was stunned. I thought I was seeing an X-rated movie. As I recall that movie also gave me my first glimpse of on screen titties although they were more like traffic cones than the breasts I`d envisioned as I humped my pillow.

But now fuck is as common as good morning. Why earlier today I said, "hello and good morning you fuck" to my neighbour Mike. What can I say I`m a friendly personable guy.

So I ask now that we're all fucked out....where do we go from here?

Fortunate for us the word "Cunt" is waiting behind the bushes to jump out and offend us all. Truly this is the last shocking word left to abuse, and Hollywood has become more callous with its use over the past few years.

I`m starting to here cunt in more and more films and some TV programs. It's only a matter of time before it makes the great leap into the mainstream. "Try new and improved Always with wings. It makes your cunt feel like it's gliding on air."

I understand in places like Ireland cunt is as common place as ordering ale or having your liver replaced. "Come on down to the pub Jimmy and bring yer cunt mother with ya," but here, that`s another story.

Whether you secretly adore the word, or not, be sure the cunt is coming.

If I were to award the best use of the word this year, I'd have to say,
the first annual Cunt Award, or Cunty if you prefer, would go to the film Atonement for not only using the word, but displaying it in big black arial lettering across the screen.

Well done in the cunt department boys....too bad your movie fuckin' sucked.

Friday, February 22, 2008

There will be Oscars

You got me. I`ve not actually seen Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. Yet, I`m not sure many people have.

Has this movie even been released? Is it playing as a double bill with Alvin and the Chipmunks?


It almost has a back alley feel to it where passwords are needed to see this film.

"I`d like extra butter on popcorn good man and BTW the fatman with the long moustache has landed in Hoboken." *wink*

Then you're led blind folded through dark secret passageways and heavily bolted doors to a place where a Daniel Day Lewis re-enacts his performance for you live.

But I have not been so fortunate as to witness DDL in the flesh with his spell binding performance so I`l have to go with what I know from the trailer. – Mr. Lewis strolls around and explores the alphabet of every human emotion from anger to zealous, or in other words; every other movie he has done.

There’s lots of shouting and running. Things blow up real good and there are many greedy and religious people- one in the same- trying to lay claim to oil.

THE END.

Now grab your golden statue and get the hell out of here.

The Oscar telecast goes Sunday the 24th @ 8:00 PM.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A country for all men

It feels like the Coen brother's year to me. No Country for Old Men harkens back to the days of Blood Simple and has the imprints of all things Oscar; directing, cinematography, a well written script, great ensemble cast , intriguing story and a kick ass performance from Supporting Actor Javier Bardem.

In fact, I’d be hard pressed to point out what this movie hasn’t got....hmm....let me think....

A Captive Bolt Stunner?......Nope it’s got one of those.

How about a guy who’s name sounds like a chick?......Wrong again. Josh Brolin plays Llewelyn Moss.

A swimming pitbull?......Check!

Self surgery?......Check!

How about a story where a guy runs naked through the streets with a dog coller around his neck?......Check!

I know, what about one of the main characters dying off screen and you say to yourself, “Hey, wha happen?” and you wonder aloud if perhaps the clip was lost in the editing room somewhere, like a cat took off with it and hid it under some kibble in a dark, dank boiler room and the Coen brothers were all like, “Dude! We’ll have to release it as is. I’m sure the clip will turn up by the time we're ready for the director’s cut. BAD KITTY! THAT”S A BAD KITTY!!!” and Frances McDormand came in and was all like, “ You leave Mr. Mittens alone. He’s a good cat.” and they were all like, “Yeah? Well, he just stole the clips for a really important scene Frances and it’s all your fault. We want a divorce cuz we can't remember which one of us is married to you anyway”......

Sorry,No Country For Old Men has all that too.

..........................It can't possibly have..........................Cuba Gooding Jr. Singing a Texas love song in his boxer shorts with his Oscar between his legs as he dry-humps a tumbleweed?

OK,No Country For Old Men doesn’t have that, but think about it. It’s a good thing.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

At least one in the oven

Juno is this year’s Little Miss Sunshine; a poignant , yet funny movie with fresh dialogue and an excellent script. Too bad the academy doesn’t reward funny. Shit, sometimes they don’t even reward smart, well written and entertaining, (see Monday’s blog on Atonement).

I can tell you, unlike Atonement, Juno didn’t make me want to explore my bulimic side, nor make me feel like I’d just had my prostate milked by Bubba from cell block six.

As much as I like this movie I don’t see it creeping in ala Crash to snag the big fish. Yet, knowing there are still movies out there with entertainment value is comforting in itself. If nothing more, Juno deserves Original Screenplay although, an Actress nod to Ellen Page would be an added bonus.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Clean up in aisle two.


So I watched Michael Clayton coming away with the same feeling I had the first time I saw Pulp Fiction; I knew it was a good movie but I didn’t know why I felt that way. I guess it’s because the entire movie George was either coming across as a lawyer, a cop, or a janitor, (I didin’t see him pick up a broom once).

It’s not that the movie’s disjointed, or confusing, it’s just I had the feeling I’d sat through an hour and a half of Old Navy commercials. I mean sure, I know they’re selling me clothes, but why all the fuckin’ dancing?

As far as an Oscar coming Clooney’s way, I don’t see it. Perhaps Tom Wilkinson for his brilliant role but there’s heavy competition from the supporting category, most notably Hal Holbrook and Javier Bardem.

However, it’s the same George we saw in Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, and Ocean's 11 through 13. Jesus! Even ER if you want to go back that far.

Maybe Mister Clooney is like the kid who’s happy he’s been accepted into the "Choking Game" at school. He can’t see it’s not really such a good thing.

I put Michael Clayton in the Charlie Wilson's War category: movies that are OK but not quite there.

Monday, February 18, 2008

No Atonement for Oscar

Next Sundaty is the 80th annual Oscar presentations. In the week leading up to them, I usually review the nominated films.

Today: Atonement-

I can’t understand why this film is even in the top five for the naked golden boy.
Paul Haggis’s, In the Valley of Elah and Sean Penn’s, Into the Wild are far more deserving to be considered. Hell I’d even put Affleck's, Gone Baby Gone ahead of this yawner. But somehow, the Academy feels obligated to nominate artsy, “English Patient”-type films every five years or so.

And with Haggis already winning for Crash, the Academy’s disdain for Penn and Affleck.....well.....let me just say one word.....Gigli, maybe they felt compelled to slip this one past the goalie.

Atonement is a film involving the love of.....Christ, I can’t even write about it, without getting sleepy.

A more fitting title for this movie would be “The Last Five Minutes” because that’s where the payoff is. Now it is a good payoff I'll give it that, but not worth the two hour investment to get there.

If the film makers truly wanted atonement then they should have offered everyone their money back. I mean if I wanted to waste my cashola on something disappointing, I'd get a lap-dance from the ugly, fat stripper with the cigarette burns on her ankles.

But if you really feel the need to watch Atonement and get that lap-dance, make sure you’re not operating heavy machinery this film works better than lorazepam.

If ever there was a poster child for the illegal download of movies this is it.

And BTW, the toaster is next to the bathtub in case this wins on Sunday.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Friday, February 15, 2008

The VD payoff

Heartshape handcuffs

Penis candles

and.........



After introducing the world to new soda flavors like fish taco and salmon, Seattle specialty beverage maker Jones Soda Co. is offering a new flavor: Yellow pee.

As opposed to what, the popular Blood in Urine Blend?

Yellow pee, along with other unusual sodas such as turkey and gravy, dinner roll, sweet potato and antacid flavor, will be part of the company's $10 to $15 "holiday pack" of bottled drinks available nationwide.

Wow! If you're ever in search of the perfect gift...

Peter van Stolk, chief executive of Jones Soda, said on Monday the collection of strange-flavored sodas usually sells out quickly, even though he can not stomach the drinks.

Past flavors included broccoli casserole, corn on the cob and Brussel sprout.

"Why people buy it is beyond me. I can't drink a bottle of this stuff," said van Stolk.

Jones Soda, which sells traditional sodas alongside more exotic flavors like fufu berry and green apple, first introduced the holiday soda pack in 2003, gaining notoriety for its turkey and gravy flavor soda.

Seems to me, it would be cheaper to just piss in an empty bottle then drink that. But that's just me.

Although, can 2 Girls 1 Jones Soda be far behind?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

V-Day

Victory Day?
Vasectomy Day?
Vaginal warts awareness Day?

Today is Valentine’s Day yet, if you’ve been coming here on a daily basis you wouldn’t know it. I have not posted a single Blog on this evil, evil, evil day.

This year there have been no ideas for surprising that special someone, be they female, male, transgendered, or beast. No chocolate covered strawberries, lace panty doo-dads or cheesy goo-dripping poetry.

Not even in jest have I posted. No penis wax candles, no heart shaped handcuffs, no urine flavoured sodas, made from the pee of your significant other in four delicious flavours- Orange, Grape, Peach and Lemon.

No, Ol’ Strange has been devoid of any love for this day. In fact, you might say, I have become anti-Valentine’s Day. The Antichrist of all that is red, kissy, love-love and surrounded by half-naked cherubs armed with pointed missiles.

If you find yourself saying, “What a bitter, loveless man you must be Strange,” stop.

GIGC and I have a wonderful relationship that is bordered on the south by spiritual, north by sublime and just east of Ajax. We don’t need a day where everyone from Greeting Card companies to Jewellery specialists are telling us to, “Spend, Spend, SPEND!” to prove/ test our love.

Nor am I saying, by following the devious, cash-tainted designs of this day, you are mindless cattle caught in a pen on your way to the slaughter house.

It’s simple: I don’t need today to tell GIGC how special she is when there are 364 (other) days to convey that message. If you’re a hopeless romantic, neither should you.

But, you do what floats your boat, just don’t expect GIGC and myself to be playing, “King of the world” while we search for life vests on your vessel.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Checking in with the Japanese

Every few weeks or so, I like to look to the east and see what new and wonderful things are going on in Japan. Like today for instance.



Is it any wonder they build better cars than us?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Dad's desert Island record collection #6

I never took Dad for a religious man, but come to think of it, he did say, "Jesus Christ" a lot.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

HMH #29

Chapter Twenty -nine- The Mexican hand-off

There he was in a clearing by the road with a brooding wall of forest on either side of him, the man and his mullet, in dirty, gray, overalls, like an escaped convict after tunneling out of the joint. He was squatting, bent at the knees, his ass jutting out toward me in greeting. However, the Honey-wagon was nowhere in sight this time, just the rickety shack of a house harboring this man behind its peeling white paint, broken eaves and veranda on the verge of total collapse.

Wally was struggling to pull weeds from a long stretch of garden, digging with a small three pronged clawlike tool. I rolled up the driveway and got out of my car.

“Hey Wally!”

He grunted to his feet, tossing the garden tool aside and brushed his hands together to expunge the dirt. “Frikin’ weeds are chokin’ out the corn.”

“Is that what that’s supposed to be?” I fired back. There were a few sickly looking stalks. They seemed far from producing an edible yield.

“Sparky, seems like you’re spending quite a lot of time in these parts.”

“You asked me to come, remember?”

“That I did . . . that I did.”

“I’m here. What’s so God damn important?”

“I wanted to let you know . . . ”

Here it comes, the foot to the groin. I never want to see your lousy fuckin ass again! Now get off my property!

“...I finished the song. I went back to the studio and finished the song.”

“You what? Christ! Who sang the lyrics?”

“Doc, he came with me.”

“Doc?”

“Yup, We finished it and I got the business card out of the garbage and called Apples.”

I was stunned and just kept echoing parts of his sentences. “You called Apples?”

“That’s right Chico got the tape Tuesday afternoon and got back to me within the hour. I guess he listened to it right away.”

“Chico got the tape?”

“Sounds like a nice guy we chatted for some time on the phone. I’m meeting him and Apples on Monday for a more formal introduction . . . ” Wally stopped me from replying. “I’m meeting them Monday, Sparky. That’s why I called you and asked you to come up here. I felt I should talk to you, one on one first.”

“God Wally, I don’t know what to say. So Chico liked the song? What am I saying? He must have, why would he ask you to meet with him and Apples on Monday? Am I right? I’m right aren’t I?”

“Actually Sparky, he wasn’t impressed.”

“Oh— ho— ho— I see Wally. You’re fucking with me. Trying to kid a kidder.”

“No Sparky, I’m serious. He didn’t like it. He said . . . how did he put it?...oh yeah, ‘it was too antiquated for today’s market.’ He said, he couldn’t push it to the right people. He gave it a thumbs down, honestly.”

I looked at him solemnly, the broad smile disintegrated from my face. He was telling the truth. “I don’t understand Wally. Why bring me all this way to tell me our song sucks shit? The phone would do. Are you that angry at me? Do you want to see a grown man cry in front of you? Cause I will. I’m that close.”

“I’m not angry at you Sparky. We go way back you and I. I always remember the conversation we had right before I quit the band. How supportive you were I go out and do something elks. It’s funny how little things like that stay with you over time and make an impression, but I’ll always be grateful to you for it.”

I must have looked completely dejected, because Wally put a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. “I’m sorry he didn’t like the song. We all worked hard on it and went through hell to get it done, but he did like the second song on the tape. He liked it very much.”

“Wally, we only recorded one song.”

“We did yes, but when you guys were at the casino, I recorded the other one. The song I told you about. The one with the phone number in it, remember? For a good time call. It was just me singing over a simple bass line with guitar and a drum machine, but it was enough. Chico said it was very catchy. 'A one hit wonder,' was how he put it. After I meet with him and Apples, he wants me to come into his studio and re-record it professionally. Then he wants me to put a band together and tour with Apples and Oranges. See! I told you that song would work.”

“That’s great Wally. I’m happy for you. You have every right to gloat. Looks like Wires was right. All it takes is one song. So you asked me here to wish you good luck, or what?”

“I want you to come with me on tour. Doc has already agreed and we could really use you. Chico’s supplying the rest of the musicians.”

“I don’t know Wally. I’ve got so much going on in my life right now.”

“Sparky you know that’s not true.”

“What about you and the sanitation business? Aren’t you two inseparable? Where is the Honey-wagon anyway? I thought they always let you take the Hino home?”

“I don’t work for them any more.”

“Aren’t you going to miss being . . . how did you put it....a waste retrieval engineer?”

“Seems someone called and complained, I misused their equipment to destroy their property. They fired me on Tuesday.”

“Tuesday was a busy day for you. What did you do that was so horrific?”

“I filled the trunk of some guys black sedan with shit from the pump-out hose.”

“Christ Wally! You’re one crazy motherfucker, do you know that? Mr. Black’s car? So that’s where you went when you stormed off.”

“Yup,” Wally chuckled. “Went out popped his trunk and filled er’ right up. I suspect Grub and Mr. Black were probably looking at one another at first, wonderin’ who farted. That is, until the smell got really bad.” Wally shifted his weight to his other leg and smiled. “Take heart Sparky, there is some justice in this world. You just have to bend a few rules to get it sometimes.”

“Speaking of which. This whole weekend debacle was caused by Megan, Wally. You remember that maniacal bitch. She and Alexander were— ”

“— I know.”

“You do? Why didn’t you say something to me? Christ!”

“I couldn’t.”

“Why? What’s going on here Wally? What else don’t I know?”

“I swore an oath.”

“An oath? Who to?”

“Wires, Sparky.”

I was stupefied. Wires had talked to Wally? The same Wally who’d rather attend a Monster Truck rally than pay his rent? The same Wally who thought mustard was a separate food group? The same Wally who . . . I wrestled control of my senses. “You were the one that called the Mayor and warned him things weren’t going as planned weren’t you?”

“Yes. I shouldn’t have done that, but they were fighting dirty and we needed some help. I’m sorry I had to keep it from you Sparky, but it’s what Wires wanted. He wanted to make sure you would do what it takes. That you really wanted to do this. After last weekend, I think you did.”

“But Wally . . . I’m ruined . . . the money I’ll be paying it off for years. I’ve got to pay for the studio. I don’t have that kind of money . . . ”

“Sparky! Would you just relax. No you won’t. The studio’s paid for. I took care of it and your mechanic bill too.”

“You don’t have that kind of money either . . . do you?”

“Wires new something was up. He was afraid his final wishes were in jeopardy after Alexander took over his file when Russell Brock was killed. He knew Griffin was married to Megan. He couldn’t do anything about it at the time, he was too sick by then, but there was money set aside for this. That’s why he called me and got me involved. He wanted a plan B as-it-were, in case things got funky. Swore me to secrecy. 'Promise me Wally,' he said while he was coughing something fierce. 'Promise me you won’t tell, till this is all over, and I promise I won’t tell anyone you were a hack guitarist'. That Wires, still cracking jokes from his death bed. So I promised him I would give it my best effort. It’s all been taken care of Sparky. You don’t owe a damn dime. None of us do.”

“I don’t know what to say . . . I” The tears were welling up in my eyes. Wires had still been fixing things from beyond the grave in true Wires fashion.

“Come with Doc and I, complete Wires’ last wishes. It will be just like the old days.”

I must have stood there for some time contemplating the decision. So long in fact Wally probably began to wonder if he should make a bed up for me. Finally I came to a conclusion . . . no . . . an epiphany Miss Agnes would have called it.

“No, Wally, I’ve had my fill of the music industry. Finally. I have the closure I needed. I know for sure now I did everything I could. Some of which I’m not proud of. I didn’t like the person it made me into. It’s not meant to be for me. In a way I think this was actually what Wires intended. For me to have peace, to know that part of my life is over. I need to embrace the unknown, not revel in the past.”

“Embrace the unknown with us.”

“I appreciate the offer, Wally. I honestly do, but I just can’t. It doesn’t feel right to me now.”

“Then what elks will you do?”

“Since you don’t think I’d make a good author, maybe I’ll travel. See where I end up. Writing’s too much like a massive jigsaw puzzle anyway, even if I do dumb it down for you. You never know where the story’s going most of the time. Hey! Maybe that’s how I should treat my life? You know, somehow I don’t think Wires would be displeased.”

“Are you sure, Sparky?”

“I’m sure.”

“Here” he said reaching into his back pocket. “I think Wires knew. 'I’m having something delivered to you to give to Sparky when this is all over Wally', He said to me. 'You make sure he gets it'.” He pulled out a thick manilla envelope. It was a little crushed and he had spilt something on it at some point, but it was unopened. He handed it over. “He left me only one envelope. He said, there’s a little something inside he wanted you to have . . . you know to help you travel I guess.”

“But I . . . ”

“Yes you can Sparky. Start living your life Ok? And just remember, every time you see an occupied sign on an outhouse door, somewhere elks there’s a door that’s open.”

***

So it was, Skunk and Grub went back to their day jobs. Grub and I would cross paths from time to time and eventually we healed all riffs between us, but Skunk made no attempt to stay in touch choosing to forget it all happened and return to life with her husband and kids. We never saw each other again.

Wally and Doc, who had started out as a duo, got to record Wally’s song. A song that would put them in the company of other one hit wonders like Wang Chung, The Knack and Soft Cell.

Like Walking on Sunshine, Turning Japanese, and 99 Red Balloons, For a good time call . . . shot quickly up the charts. It lasted a full four weeks in the Billboard top 10. Although an old woman in Kentucky did have to change her phone number due to her unexpected popularity and the ceaseless calling the song created. Even after it fell out of favor, it was still played in light rotation and netted a livable sum of royalties. Doc and Wally enjoyed an endless tour playing the casino circuit with their band called, what else, Plan B- a true testament to Wires.

Unfortunately for Griffin Alexander, had he observed the fine print of the will and borrowed a little faith from Miss Agnes, he would have made a thousand times the money he received as executor. A clause, Wires had added a few weeks before his death, near the bottom of the third page stated: in the event of chart success the executor will be granted four points on royalties.

Eventually Alexander was found guilty of misappropriation of funds and improper and unlawful conduct. He was disbarred. Several of his connecting affiliates also came under investigation and were shut down including Tykes to Titans.

As for me, with the help of Wires, I traveled. I knew there was still much out there for me to see and do, I just had to go out and let it happen. Like Wally said, bend the rules a little. I had no doubt, out there somewhere was an outhouse door open just for me.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Not such a dark knight after all



With the unexpected death of Heath Ledger, the trailer for the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight, has been reworked as not to upset viewers. For those of you who haven't seen it, I'm posting it here for you. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

New parenting guide #2

Snow is falling yet again and it has come to my attention that some people have not been too careful about where they leave their children in this weather. Yup there have been a few deaths due to exposure as the prodigal son has become the prodigal Popsicle. Come on, wake up people!

If you need help from someone like me on how to care for your children then you are in big trouble. But I urge you. Try to remember these few tips and perhaps Jr. won't end up frozen in a snow bank.





Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Super ads? I think not

Usually at this time of the year I cover the Super Bowl ads that I never saw. You see, when you watch the game up here in Hinterland, you don't get the real commercials.

Our telecast comes through a Canadian affiliate who'd rather bombard us with endless ads promoting Degrassi, Corner Gas and Sticks and Stones a made for TV movie about hockey and friendship.

All I can say is, thank Christ "The Beachcombers" isn't on anymore.

So the blog becomes a forum for the commercials we Canucks were deprived of. However, after viewing a few of this years offerings I became bored and just snatched the link to post on Strangedaze.

You'd think with all the creative minds and CGI tech out there, entertainment wouldn't be an issue.

But in my opinion it is. So look if you want, but when you're tired you can always come back here and view some real entertainment.

Hinterland's Who's Who.....



or the Beachcombers.

Monday, February 04, 2008

The Pit and the pendulum

It’s all over except for the puking, as the 2008 Whitby Wing Eating Finals came to an exciting conclusion last night during the Super Bowl Half-Time Show.

For the second year in a row, The Pit, found himself the bridesmaid as he fell a few wings short to a last minute addition from Cincinnati, (mugshot currently unavailable).

With the disqualification of Wolfman Eddie late last week opening up a slot in the finals, the Cincinnati Ringer slipped in quietly and surprised bookies and bettors alike by taking the wing crown.

Still standing in the carnage of a battlefield of bones and chicken carcass, The Pit, with a tear glistening from the corner of his left eye and the sweat of ingesting an entire tray of poultry’s finest still damp on his brow, sadly contemplated retirement.

Perhaps it was just the sudden sting of defeat snatched from the certain jaws of victory, or just an unusual rumbling in his colon located in an awkward spot between the cecum and the rectum, but like everyone else including The New England Patriots, he was just stunned by an outcome no one saw coming.

So here's to the true champion The Pit. Let's hope he will return like Brett Favre, for one more year.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

HMH #28

Chapter twenty-eight - Tykes to titans

A girl tapped on my shoulder. She towered over me from the teasing fabric of a stars and stripes bikini. She asked me, in a dialect thick with some east European accent, “Vould you like a danz.” Her perfume, thick and pungent wove through the smoke attacking my nostrils with the skill of a prize fighter.

“No thank you . . . ” I looked across the table at the Mayor who was thumping his chin with his fingers and contemplating the offer. “...and neither does my friend.”

“You’d have to do more than just dance for me anyway,” he said.

With a sarcastic smirk, the girl drifted into the darkness and on to badger the next table.

“Man there just not trying anymore. Gone are the days where they actually sat down and talk to you before asking the ultimate question. God, no one pretends to be interested in your sad-sack life now. Hell, I’m not interested in my sad-sack life.”

“You should find a new hangout John . . . and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I should do a lot of things. I’m just lacking the ambition right now due to the obvious. — So there you have it Mayor. The whole tale of woe.”

The Mayor scratched his head and looked at me from under raised eyebrows and a mischievous grin. “Wow, I still can’t believe it. Grub?”

“I don’t blame him. I don’t blame anyone but myself. It was stupid of me to think after all these years we could . . . uh it’s done. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. So much for the future. But what I don’t understand is, if Grub was tipping Alexander off to what was going on, why did he call you in Vegas? Was he feeling guilty?”

“John, I would have recognized Grub’s voice. It wasn’t him who called.”

“Then who was it?”

“I don’t know. But I do know some other things. They may mean something to you, or not.”

“It won’t change the outcome, but go ahead.”

“I’m not sure my earlier interpretation of the facts were entirely correct. I mean, yes, Russell Brock did die in a car crash. And yes, Wires did file a new will at the eleventh hour. And yes, Alexander, Myers and Brock are under investigation by several different agencies. But I’m not so sure this was totally about money.”

“Then why go to all the trouble?”

“I got to thinking what you said, and Alexander telling you, other than executor, he didn’t stand to gain from this, confirms it. If it were about dollars, you were right, there just wasn’t enough to squabble over. How did you put it, a drop in the bucket? The greed factor didn’t add up. So, I dug a little further and found that Tykes to Titans has a very interesting head on the board of governors.”

“Really? Who is he.”

“Not he. She. Alexander’s wife.”

“Alexander’s wife? I didn’t even know he was married. He wasn’t wearing a ring.”

“His ex-wife actually. Brutal divorce, still on going. She’s getting quite a bit already including the board title at Tykes to Titans. Half of Alexander’s assets could turn out to be a very pricey proposition for that man unless he cuts her some favors. So maybe he was trying to appease her with charitable donations from his clients like Wires and your drop in the bucket? Or maybe there’s some other reason I don’t know of?”

“Fuck, Mayor. I don’t know any Mrs. Alexander. What’s this have to do with me. With us. Christ!”

“She reverted back to her maiden name. Do you know anyone named Megan Gamble?”

“Holy fuck! Megan Gamble!”

“OK . . . Bells are ringing. Fill me in.”

I downed my beer and quickly ordered another at this unexpected turn of events. I’m also sure the color drained from my face but would be hardly noticeable with the black-light and blinking strobes.

“I dated a Megan Gamble, briefly, when I was on the road with Wires, Doc and Wally, years ago. It was before Skunk and Grub, but they were both familiar with the story of how she fucked everything up for us. We just abandoned her out west in the middle of our tour, Mayor. Left her with nowhere to go. But understand, it’s not like we felt we had a choice. I was just talking with Doc about this on our ride up. Shit! Her husband represented Wires. She must have know his intentions to help us out. God damn it! So this wasn’t about money at all? This was revenge. This was a twenty year-old grudge by someone I used to sleep with? Well touche’ I’ve been fuckin’ skewered. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

“Looks like your future turned out to be your past catching up to you.”

“That bitch! It’s going to take me forever to pay off the debts from this weekend.”

“It all makes sense now. John, you know what the worst thing is? Wires genuinely wanted to help you out and she destroyed it.”

I sighed deeply. “I know.”

“So what about the guys?”

“Like I said, I don’t think anyone’s going to be talking to me anytime soon. Doc’s upset I dragged him away on a perfectly good weekend, put him through hell, and he didn’t get to swim in the pool. Skunk’s pissed I brought a mortal enemy like Arsehole Party into the studio without any regard to how she’d feel. Grub, well I guess that’s self explanatory? And Wally’s miffed I bailed before we finished. He didn’t say much on the drive home. Just dropped me off at the auto body to pickup my car and that was it. Doc didn’t even ride home with me. He stayed up at Wally’s. But knowing Megan was behind all this — devious bitch— makes me feel better some how.”

“How so?”

“Until now I thought I was a total fuck-up. I guess I’m only half that. I can’t take full credit when someone was trying to constantly pull the rug from underneath us. And besides, something positive did come out of all. Look. I finally got shoes on my feet.”

“Expensive pair of shoes given what you have to shell out now.”

“I should have just stayed home.”

“So I guess that’s it. You’re never going to speak to the band again?”

“I don’t know. Wally did leave me a message on my answering machine last night.”

“To bitch you out?”

“He said he wanted me to come up and see him this weekend. He seemed pretty insistent about it. Yup, just probably wants to lambast me in person. Maybe hold me over a barrel while Megan kicks my ass.”

“Come on John, you’re being stupid. He probably wants to mend fences, bury the hatchet.”

“Bury the hatchet right in the crack of my ass.”

“That’s all he said, he wanted to see you?”

“He did say, it’s important he speaks to me in person.”

“Are you going to go?”

“I haven’t decided yet. We’ll see . . . ”

Friday, February 01, 2008

Into the bottomless pit

Teddy "the Toupee" Toupullo: The Toupee is a fierce competitor who will stop at nothing to be victorious. Also known as "The Little Beaver", Teddy trains for events by gnawing the wooden legs off furniture.
(2-1)







The Pit:
Nothing more can be said about The Pit who came within a whisper of taking home the crown last year. Has been training hard for this event by learning to eat south paw to throw off the competition. This week alone, he has put 4 all-you-can-eat buffets out of business.
(even)





Sally "the Fish" Legarra:
At first glance one would think Sally is in over her head in a, "holy fuck! Look at all those wings! How am I going to eat all those wings? Christ Almighty, that's a lot of fuckin' wings!" sort of way. However, her glassy, fish-eyed stare is how she looks naturally and often works to her advantage rendering her competitors to fits of laughter and allowing her to surge to victory.
(2-1)



Cheetoe "Dirty Sanchez" Margollez:
Other than the Pit, Cheetoe is the man to be feared in this event. His appetite is world renowned, his desire to vanquish his rivals a sight to behold and his undefeated record of 45-0 unequalled. His moniker of Dirty Sanchez, is well deserved as he loves to rub wing sauce under the noses of the defeated.
(even)