Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thursday science diet

Perhaps this would have been a more appropriate post last week? Yet, after yesterday, it's still a good segue.

Today we will look together at the scientific reasoning behind the perma boner or Priapism as it is known in some circles.

This is what they're talking about on those Cialis commercials (" ... if your erection lasts more than four hours, consult a physician ... "). It is the dreaded prolonged male erection, keeping in mind that an educated man's dread is an imbecile's unanswered prayer.

Priapism is not only a penis that is unable to return to a flaccid state, but it's also described as a very painful erection. And we're not talking about emotionally painful, either.

The medical community is divided on how much time should constitute a case of priapism, but most have settled on six hours, although a person should seek medical attention after four (as the commercials say). This all occurs in the absence of any sexual stimulus, however if you are in possession of enough material to keep it up for almost a quarter of a day's time you should look in to some new hobbies.

Thankfully episodes of priapism are not common in the real world; most incidents confined to the professionally edited fantasy realms of pornography. "Hey lady, where do you want your wall paper....*splat...splat...splat....splat*....What's that? Your friend wants paste too?"

Unfortunately cases are more common in men who are suffering from other diseases, such as sickle cell anemia, that prevent blood from flowing back out of said boner.

Although not every facet of the disorder is known, scientists are sure all cases happen from injury or damage to the mechanism that produces detumescence of the penis. Detumescence is a fancy word for relaxation of the penis after orgasm, and is usually accompanied by greater clarity in reasoning, maybe remorse, or chewing one's arm off at the bone depending on who or what you find it inside of when your penis finally relaxes.

This horrible situation sounded awesome to crotchety old men with erectile dysfunction, and a pill was invented to cater to their elderly lust. This created the second most common group to suffer from priapsm, and the easiest go-to joke for hacky stand up comics. "A four hour erection? I ain't callin' a doctor, I'm gonna call a hooker!" Other punch lines include "call the 6 o'clock news" and "call my old girlfriends." All of which you would never call in reality because you'd be frightened and in excruciating pain.

Aside from the aforementioned blood disease and Cialis overdose, priapism can be caused by some sort of trauma-like spinal damage, drug/alcohol abuse, or even black widow spider bites. You've probably never heard that last one, we're guessing because the medical community doesn't want to drive a huge increase in black widow sales to men who just can't wrap their heads around the idea that a six-hour boner is actually a bad thing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the Exotic Pet Shop.

No comments: