Thursday, March 27, 2008

Science diet for "hairy tongue"

Yes, this is a real thing and not a gross-out urban legend. I never experienced it personally but I have found myself next to a woman, or two who did- mainly because they fell asleep with the cigarette in their mouth.

Hairy tongue is....well....It's the appearance of dark hair covering the surface of the tongue. It will look like a person lovingly cleaned the exhaust system of a decade-old 18 wheeler, with the gentle precision a mother cat applies to her own litter. This oral ashtray effect is nasty, although an attention getter. And everyone loves attention, right?

It could happen to you, too, if you're kind of a filthy person. If you'd like to give your mouth a warm fur coat for winter try these three steps: 1. Stop brushing your teeth. 2. Enjoy your coffee like Britany Spears enjoys her men. 3. Smoke; you're not getting any younger and it'll make you cool.

If you follow this strict guideline your mouth may wind up with a coat that will keep it warm through the snowy months, and will block those drafty winds when opened for a make-out session.

Your mouth is teeming with filth. It is a truly perfect swamp for the breeding and growth of bacteria and grime. If only we could lick our own genitals. Now that's Utopia.

The hairy tongue is an overgrowth of these bacteria, and sometimes yeasts that are present. Papilla, the finger-like projections from the surface of the tongue, become awash in this bacterial stew. In instances of hairy tongue the papilla often cease to shed normally, growing longer and creating more surface area for the bacteria to attach to. Thus, it grows into something that looks terrifyingly like hair and the script for any B-horror movie.

To help combat such revolting disorder, a person can brush their tongue twice a day and rinse their mouth with diluted hydrogen peroxide (one part peroxide to five parts water). As astounding as it may seem this horrendous affliction offers no immediate threat to your health. If you're experiencing it, you may have bigger problems, since hairy tongue is common in those involved with intravenous drug use, those who are HIV positive, or sadly, those who spend too much time reading Strangedaze. Put in the perspective of those problems a furry mouth seems kind of trivial.

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