We could talk about the shuttle but...

Monster mice are devouring birds in South Africa. Maybe not monster mice, but big enough to eat a bird....oh never mind.

I don’t believe a word of it, not a word. The potential LCBO strike was just a ruse to get people to go crazy and buy up every damn bottle of alcohol in the store, and it worked. They even blew the dust off the Scottish Thistle flavored liqueur and sold that. Some adult video stores even reported selling out of the "Lezbo Lick Her" series, people were that desperate.

Speaking of desperate, O.J. Simpson was charged with stealing satellite TV. First of all, who hasn’t? Secondly, in O.J.’s defense, he said, he felt it would help him to catch the real killer.

Boy Scouts are told to be prepared. Well, they better be prepared to wait. Twice this week George Bush postponed his appearance at a service for four scoutmasters who died when they were struck by lightning. Bush’s first no show was, oddly enough due to the threat of thunder showers and he left the troupes of Boy Scouts waiting for hours. In the end hundreds of boys were hospitalized for exhaustion from the blistering heat. Most of them Scouts, suffered from dehydration, fatigue and lightheadedness, 7 complained of being fondled by scout masters, and 3 were abducted and have yet to be found. Bush will try again next week.

They have changed the Homolka/ Bernardo movie title from "Deadly" to "Karla" and it will premier at the Montreal Film Festival. Of course, people are outraged. They feel it is an attempt by the film makers to cash in on Karla’s recent release into society. The movie’s distributors say, this is not the case and in a show of good faith will change the film title yet again, to "Sexual Teenage School Girl Killers." Sounds like a Russ Myers film to me.

Experts say that in light of Toronto’s subway terror hoax Thursday, T.O. is not on the terrorist list for places to make a world statement and that we are safe from such a catastrophe as the one in London. OH! Not good enough for you huh? Hey Abdul! Why don’t you and the rest of your al-Qaeda bombing-boner-buddies, fuck the goats you road in on.

Speaking of not good enough there’s Bob Goodenow, former head of the NHL player’s association, who after getting his ass kicked in the new CBA with the league, kicked his own ass out Thursday. He will be replaced by Ted Saskin who is much better at taking it on his knees.

Paris Hilton had to take off her engagement ring after she complained that it was just too damn big and hurt her finger. Likewise her fiancé, had to take off his cock ring after he complained it was just too damn big and hurt his....you know.

Hey, how about that Lance Armstrong?
How about those seven yellow jerseys?
How about his girl Cheryl Crow?
How about the erection in my pants?
What am I going to do now?

San Diego zoo’s giant panda Bai Yun is pregnant.....no that didn’t do it.
Oh I know....Mick Jagger celebrated his 62nd birthday this week and for good measure Honest Ed Mirvish turned 92.
There....the erection’s gone.

Helpful factoid #3: Cows will produce 3% more milk when you play them songs that are under 100 beats a minute. May I suggest "Everybody Hurts," by REM.