C's Beat A's

A new collective bargaining agreement was announced between the owners and the players in the NHL. Big fuckin’ deal! CBA doesn't that just stand for Cunts Beat Assholes? I don’t even care about hockey anymore. Isn’t hockey that game where you throw horseshoes and call "Mulligan’s"? No...wait...I think that’s Women’s Tennis, another sport a care nothing for. Poker rules now my friends. I even watch it on TV. They make it sound exciting- "Oh Jimmy! player 4 has flopped a flush draw. Look for him to slow bet on the turn and draw the pocket nines and the big slick into a massive pot. One of our players is surely going home after this hand."

Hey , remember when the only time you saw someone go "all in" was in pornos?

Anyway, Hockey’s back and there are some new rule changes for the betterment of the game. Forget what you heard about the smaller goalie equipment, and the tag-up offsides and the red-line replacement. They are nothing compared to the other changes that are coming.

So, like when I had the MJ verdict a day before the jury made their decision, I now have the intricacies of the new CBA which I will post for you. You’re welcome.

Suggested rule and equipment changes:

All players will wear smaller jock cups made of recycled glass. This will allow more open ice to the players taking slap-shots and eventually result in more goals scored.

The penalty box will be replaced by an ultimate fighting octagon. This will remove fighting from the ice and keep it where it belongs in the blood sport arena. The player who wins will be allowed to remain in the game after his penalty is complete. The loser, provided he can still walk, will be banished to the dressing room or the infirmary.

In the event of a tie after sudden death and shootout, the game will be decided by rock paper scissors.

All players will wear star players names on the back of their jerseys. This will promote the real players with talent, while protecting them from injury as the opponent will not know which player to target.

2 stick allotment, per player, per season. After that, players must use hands and feet to move the puck to their team-mates.

Team that finishes last will be eliminated from competing in subsequent seasons. Players will be divided up between the remaining teams. This will happen annually until only twelve teams remain in the league.

There are more changes coming, but I found them too absurd. I’ll just let you see them for yourself when the sport resumes. Game on!