Monday, November 17, 2008

The transient identification dictonary part 2

The Epicurean - Our dumpster diving friend the Epicurean lives the full on hobo experience the rest of us expect when not picturing drunkards fighting in an alley for nickels. While others will work or beg for food, The Epicurean cannot leave his palette in the hands of mere peasants and must take his gastronomic destiny in his own hands, which is to say he'll put pretty much anything in his mouth, from pizza crusts to those gristly knobs everyone leaves at the end of chicken wings. Easily spotted for being some of the dirtiest and fattest of hobos, the Epicurean says "yes I can" when reality says "Good God, you can't possibly eat that."

The Shell Shocked - Beloved by modern children for his keen fashion sense as witnessed by his army green and camo wardrobe, the Shell Shocked vagrant is not to be trifled with. While he may present similar characteristics to the Ranter, make no mistake that, unlike the Ranter, our armed forces friend very likely could kill you six different ways with the rusted can of tuna he's been using as a pillow because the government trained him to long before he went mad. Lament the way he offered up his own safety and security to ensure ours, but don't be surprised if he salutes you with a hand that he's been keeping warm up his own ass and then attacks a dumpster because it's a stronghold for Charlie and delicious, delicious expired ham.

The Un-Bum - Of all the off putting sundowners out there in the world, none is so harrowing as the Un-Bum. While other transients may frighten you with the threat of intense reekage and e-coli, and the Ranter seems like he may stalk and murder you, the Un-Bum presents the fearsome visage of normality. You could be the Un-Bum. You may even know the Un-Bum, some kid you went to high school with who's now sitting on a steam grate asking for change so he can get that next delicious bottle of aftershave. You'll be tempted to ask him what he's doing out there begging for change, until that voice in your head points out that if you ask, he may answer. Then he may recognize you. Then he may expect you to buy the whole bottle of aftershave for him. Then take him home. And now you have a pet bum. Fuck.

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