Somedays, I'm just a lazy bastard

So.....see you tomorrow.

Swimming with sharks and loving it

I’ve been writing novels for 4 ½ years and shopping for a deal for 3. Although there have been several small victories in this process, the response has always been a resounding, "No". Until now.

Let me explain.

Recently I sent a query to...oh let’s call them Agent X. Agent X was quick to respond and ask for the entire manuscript, a request I found a tad odd. Since I send out numerous queries of my work, I had to call up their website again to find out who I was dealing with.

Much to my chagrin, I found I didn’t send them my usual query, I filled out Agent X's on-line form giving them minimal information on my manuscript. With further research I uncovered, I had erroneously sent them my info in the first place, as they are listed on numerous sites as, "Book Surgeons," with strong recommendations to steer clear of their scams. In fact some of the comments I read about Agent X were so vile, I won't display them here.

So what did I do?

I emailed them my manuscript as they requested and told my girl D they would offer me representation.

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when a mere 10 days later, they did indeed offer me representation and seemed to be in a hell of a hurry to send the contracts. They also wanted me to, "polish," my, "impressive," work with an, "independent editor".

When I was done laughing, I sent them a reply indicating I already had an editor working on my novel but if they still felt it needed further review I was open to suggestions. After all, I’m itchy to get a book deal. I also asked for a list of their recent sales in my genre. I wonder how they'll deal with that?

I have to admit, it is nice being on this side of the fence for a change, knowing I’m going to blow them off. I just wonder how long I can string them along and make them salivate for the cash before I tell them they're not the agent for me?

Hey, If I wanted to through money away, I'd use a self publishing site.

The truth is out there just don't make him angry

David Duchovny of X-Files fame is set to play The Hulk in the next instalment of that franchaise. I realize despite being an awful movie with cheesy CGI, the first peice of crap did make a shit load of money, and unfortunately that’s all the studio needs to know.

But don’t expect me to break out the invites and host a Hulk party for these jerks. (BTW, Go here for all your Hulk Party needs. May I recommend the Hulk Pinata. It has gummy-bears.)

I just don’t believe they are making another movie. I also don’t believe the girl in the foot photo yesterday, (top centre), was wearing any underwear, but who am I to judge?

Our only hope is they go direct to video with this monstrosity like they did with another celluloid gem American Pie: Band Camp.

I mean what’s next? A remake of Seven?

Go here for the preview remake of Seven.

More than three feet in my yard

People often ask me. They say, " Hey Strange, you know feet right? What’s the big deal?"

First of all I’m not a professional, but yes, I know some reflex ology and I know what I like in feet. There are 28 erogenous zones on the foot alone. Note the sexy bits are on the heel and ankle. In fact you can stimulate all other organs by massaging the sexy foot.

Now, let me be clear: I like female feet. So guys just turn around right now. I'm not touching a man's foot unless it's my own or it involves embedded glass, massive blood loss, a tourniquet and a rusty hack-saw.

Ok, female feet. Wait! Let me be clear: I’m not interested in girls feet. That is, anyone with a catchers-mitt one day away from legality. I guess what I’m trying to say is women’s feet. Are we on the same page now?

Oh, and you can knock off anyone in the senior category. After all I’m not an Orthopedist.

Alright, let's get started. Women’s feet. Wait a minute! Let me be clear: I have to exclude anything that looks like a sausage, elongated boney digits, uneven tappers and someone who needs side cars for her shoes because she’s been shoving them into pumps for twenty years.

Also, rough heels that look like they could sand down hardwood and long toe nails that would have field mice running in a blind panic. In fact I’m not into the whole splayed toe, banana tree climbing, gecko foot. Ok.

So except for all these omissions...Let’s begin...Women’s feet.

Wait! I’m not sure there’s that many feet left out there to talk about?

But this one goes to eleven

I’m taking the day off.

Why? Because it’s my birthday ya selfish prick.

So in my absence here are a couple of links you can check out. One is Top 10 wacky conspiracy theories and the other is Top 10 pornos made from Oscar winning films.

Which one will you visit first? Yeah I thought so, but personally I would have called the Gladiator movie Glad I ate her.

Now don't bug me until tomorrow.

CNM #3

At first when I saw this, I thought someone had filmed the Mitchieville townhall Christmas party, (Boy....what a wild night I tells-ya) , Because it looked strangely familiar to when they opened up the bar, and then later when they yelled, "FOOD!" and opened up the buffet table. Then I thought, "Oh no I have it now." It was at midnight when they provide free hookers dressed up as St. Nick and enough blow to choke Robert Downey Jr.

However when the haze cleared, I realized it was just another link I could use for Chuck Norris Monday. Go see nature in all its furious nakedidity. (Is that even a word?) Who will win?

Another gem from the Oral Blondes

Seven Days Since She Left Me

(chorus)
Seven days since she left me and it already feels like a week
Seven days since she left me and it hurts when I take a leak
I’m laying on my back with tears in my ears crying over you
You left me for a lesbian and now I’m feelin’ blue

Oh Jesus won’t you help me and tell me what to do
I got blisters on my fingers from playin’ with you know who
I don’t know which way to turn and my mind just seems to race
I can’t believe, my oral skills have come in second place.

Don’t know what I said or did to push you to their team
You were my all my everything the coffee for my cream
If you’d just return to me I’d try to make you laugh
I’d even have a labia attached to my ass

(chorus)
Seven days since she left me and it already feels like a week
Seven days since she left me and it hurts when I take a leak
I’m laying on my back with tears in my ears crying over you
You left me for a lesbian and now I’m feelin’ blue

(solo)

My tube steak is now getting raw my berries have turned blue
What do you expect, I'm not perfect and they over flow with goo
Oh please would you just come back so I can get some sleep
And stop those dreadful nightmares where I'm bum-blasting sheep

(chorus)
Seven days since she’s been back and it don’t feel like a week
Seven days since she’s been back and turned the other cheek
I’m lying on my back with joy in my boys the way I like it best
now that she’s bi sexual I've got a smorgasbord of breasts

(lyrics & music: Barlow/Wallace/Malveen)


for more on the Oral Blondes go here, or here.

It all looks the same to me now

Yesterday I was searching for cool and interesting links to add to my Blogs over the coming weeks. I wanted links that would entertain and make you laugh my reader. However, it seemed to me there wasn’t much out there worth posting. It all lacked originality and freshness. I felt I’d seen it all before either on the pages of other Blogs, or through the endless attachments and spam polluting my mail folder.

I found it frustrating and draining. In fact, I decided I would boycott my own Blog this weekend and post nothing at all.....oh...stupid me I just did. DAMN IT ALL!

Pottahawk 2006

Pottahawk is today’s secret word. Mainly because I still get an insane amount of hits when someone searches for the word "Pottahawk" and I'm a hit whore. Actually, I should be spending my time talking about Friday the 13th , since Port Dover will be overrun with Bikers galore today, but I digress.

Pottahawk....Now that you’re here and see that I’m only talking about the word Pottahawk and not about Pottahawk the event, I can understand your hostility. I know, you wanted pictures of exposed breasts, hot chicks and or buff guys taken at Pottahawk and you’re disappointed.

However, good things come to those that wait and there are pictures of that blessed day (Pottahawk), taken at the 2005 Pottahawk Piss-up. They’re located in the flicker file lower down on the right side of this Blog. (Scroll down ya lazy bastard).

Also know, Strangedaze will be live on location for the 2006 Pottahawk extravaganza this July where we will be presenting our Synchronized Swimming Spectacular. See you there......at Pottahawk.




Pottahawk, Pottahawk, Pottahawk.






........Pottahawk.












Pottahawk

Told you I was a hit whore.

I had the strangest dream last night

No....my pillow wasn't missing when I woke up, but I think I'll have to stop taking the amitriptyline. Just check this out.............Pottahawk.

I wish I could have done that to my ex-girlfriend.

Me and Dr. Jelly Finger

I guess it’s appropriate. This is hump day after all? I'm happy to report my prostate is still the size of a cashew. That’s right today was my annual check-up. I must have passed because my Dr. asked me out to dinner later, but that’s not why I’m here. No sir-ree-bob. I’m here to talk about calendars.

If you’re a cheap ass like me, you still have the 2005 hanging in the kitchen with the little month of Jan. 2006 in the corner circled in black magic marker. But now that we’ve taken the plunge into the new year, every retailer is dumping the 2006 calendars at a reduced rate and a couple of smakers should net you something viable.

But even so, you don’t want just any calendar and unfortunately the pickings are slim. There's the usual suspects, sunsets on beaches, kittens and puppies, botanical gardens....spare me.

However if you want something out of the ordinary. Something funny as hell but not offensive to the under 18 over 60 crowd, I have the calendar for you and the great thing is you don't have to buy it. Click on it, save it, blow it up, print it out. Voi-la! Or go here and get your own.

Everybody Hwang/ Chung tonight

Ok, I admit it. I posted this story because It made for a cool title.

It appears that fraud is not indigenous to Parliament Hill anymore. The South Koreans seem to be in a bit of a tizzy of late. The story involves Hwang Woo-Suk. (everybody together now. "Woo-Suk Woo-Suk.") Seems Hwang published scientific papers dealing with stem cell research that are now viewed as fraudulent by a panel led by Chung Myung-He.

SEOUL (Reuters) - A team led by a once heralded and now disgraced South Korean scientist faked two landmark papers on embryonic stem cells but did produce the world's first cloned dog, an investigation panel said on Tuesday.

A cloned dog? Do you know what this means? No one in South Korea would ever go hungry again.

The panel said DNA tests proved a 2005 claim made by the team of producing the cloned dog, an Afghan hound named Snuppy.

What? They couldn’t think of a better name like--- Insert "Some-young-guy" joke here.

Snuppy, is short for Seoul National University puppy.

Oh, sorry. I retract my previous remarks.

That paper caused a sensation because the findings raised hopes that embryonic stem cells could one day be used to create genetically-specific tissue to treat ailments such as severe spinal cord injuries and Parkinson's disease.
"We concluded that Professor Hwang's team did not have patient-specific stem cell lines and did not have any scientific basis that the team made them," Chung said.

That's nitpicking isn't it?

Prosecutors have said they may start a criminal probe into Hwang on suspicion of misusing state funds, based on the findings in the panel's report.

Someone let Paul Martin know I found his new Minister of Finance.

The crime of fraudulently obtaining state funds can be punished by...

Death? Public decapitation? Disembowelment?

...up to 10 years in prison, local media reported.

Awww...

Anyway if you’re having problems sleeping at night just read the rest of the story here.

CNM #2

Welcome to Chuck Norris Monday. The day when two opposing forces are pitted against one another with one overwhelming winner. Today it’s Dancing Naked Guy vs Swat Team. Who will win? Click here and find out.

Ogre porn?

At first I thought I’d stumbled across excerpts for Shrek 3, but on closer inspection I found it wasn’t so. It was like walking in on your parents having sex and that’s so wrong. Yet I was compeled to look. Go see for yourself.

Oh, that Ron Jeremy. Is there nothing he won't do?

Digging up shit on Celebrities

The reason I didn’t post yesterday was:

A) Someone e-mailed me, begging me to stop Blogging, and I thought I’d give them a slim glimmer of hope.

B) My computer decided to get all Hal on my ass and not work properly.

C) I was too busy purchasing celebrity excrement on the web to find time to Blog.

The answer is actually B. In fact, if HP ever gets another dime out of me, it will be for the sauce not the computer. What can I say? I love it on fries.

As far as C is concerned. Go here and they will answer all your questions on how you can own a piece of, (or should that be from?), Jessica Simpson etal. It sounds like a real bar-goon.

Jack Black's exrement will run ya a King Kong sized $92 a sample, where as you can get Sarah Jessica Parker body fluids staring at $6.75, (that's reasonable). However, forget Tom Green. He's a big ticket item and they are out of stock at the moment.

Just check these facts from the site.

For fecal and urine specimens, you will receive 2.0-3.0 cubic centimeters of specimen packaged in a hermetically-sealed transparent plastic cylinder (about the size of a film canister).

Wow. But are the contents clearly visable?

The contents will be clearly visible through the cylinder.

Great. If I decide on a fecal specimen of...oh let's say...Madonna...can I take it out and play with it like Silly Puddy? Plus I want to know if her shit really doesn't stink.

We do not recommend opening the cylinder after purchase, and we cannot be held liable for any injuries you sustain from engaging in this highly risky behavior.

That's true. I hurt myself on my own shit all the time. How about saliva?

For saliva, you will receive 0.5-1.0 cubic centimeters of specimen packaged in the same manner as the fecal and urine specimens. Some saliva samples may contain elements of toothpaste, mouthwash or food particles.

Can I order the saliva after the person's had a lobster dinner?

We have no control over what the saliva may be mixed with.

I guess that means I can cross Tom Cruise off the list. I already have enough of my own sperm.
Hey, what if I can obtain my own celebrity samples like Paris Hilton's toe-nail clippings, or Brad Pitt's nose boogers, or Cher's vaginal fluid, (Naw...You probably have more than you need already?)

Possibly. It depends on how much you can get, the current availability of that celebrity’s specimens, and whether we have the resources to properly identify the specimen in our routine tests. Sellers of accepted specimens will usually earn roughly $500 to $1000 dollars, depending on type of specimen and quantity. Contact us directly for more information regarding this.

$500 to $1000? Wow! Excuse me I have to go invite the Mayor over.

Redefining cool

Used to be that cool was ...well, cool--- and being not cool was not.

Somewhere in the transition of years, the boundaries have shifted, the individuality has taken over and cool is what you perceive it to be regardless of what anyone else thinks. In fact, marching to the beat of your own drummer....very cool. Why? Because you don’t give a flying fuck about what others think.

For instance, I was in a plaza the other day when a Chevy Impala with obvious engine trouble glided in along side me. The young intransigent immediately open the hood and waited for assistance. Apparently he couldn’t fix the mechanical malfunction...that’s cool.

While he waited patiently he decided to open both the passenger and driver side doors of his vehicle like some great metal bird ready to take flight. In essence, not giving a damn about others and cutting off access to the sidewalk for passers by...that’s cool I guess.

To ease the passage of time he popped in a CD and cranked up the volume....that’s cool.

The thundering chords, blasted forth from the cars sound system and the young individual in question began to bang his head to the infectious rhythms of Hot Girls in Love by Loverboy.....that’s coo.... Ok, fuck this! I have to draw the line somewhere.

All things strange continued

Yesterday I wondered what kind of second cousins twice removed would be apart of the strange family. So I typed "all things strange" into the search engine and got pages and pages of answers. Here are a few more of those links, incase you're interested in my lactose intolerant cousin Jeb's site.

1) Hey, I didn't authorize this.
2) He kinda looks like me...ya know...back in the day when I played heavy metal and had that whole Ron Jeremy mustache vibe going on.
3) Well, at least it's interactive.

Will the real strangedaze please stand up

I’d like to take you back in time one year, to when I decided to concoct a Blog.

What to call it?....hmmmm.

Thus, Strangedaze was born and I’ve been blogging ever since. But it was not that easy my friends– oh no. You see, someone else already had that moniker. However, I was forced to add the 101 in there to differentiate between the two. All the while feeling cheated and violated.

It’s the same feeling you had when you tried to get your first hotmail account and thought you’d be oh-so-shrewd by creating ipnightly@hotmail.com , remember? Only you found there were thousands ahead of you.
Now you were forced to add extra letters, or numbers, or numbers and letters. All to get something remotely similar. Bastards!

I mean just go look at the original strangedaze. The guy hasn’t blogged in ages. You can almost blow the dust off this thing. Yet he has the comfort of knowing he pushed the enter key long before any other would-be suitors came along.

The therapy was long and intensive, but I managed to push the resentment deep. It’s ok. I’m here, he’s not.

Sincerely, I didn’t post this just so I could rant on about some blog and its creator who, for all I know, was tragically stuck head-on by a bus the very day he created strangedaze. I am posting because I found it interesting when I started to type, "all things strange," into the search engine to see what else was out there in the realm of strangeness.

Here are some of the links I found.
1) All right, that's just creepy. I'm going to lose sleep.
2) These guys better send me a royalty cheque.
3) Actually, I think I'll return to this link and order a few.

Chuck Norris Monday #1

Of course I realize that Chuck Norris Monday technically began last week when I was doing my year end wrap up. However, it involved old material meant only for a demonstration of what this is all about. Anyway, this is the first CNM of the new year, so I’m sticking to my guns and calling it #1.

I thought I’d start off with a simple one. A kid vs his computer. It’s an age old question haunting us all, who would win in such a match-up? Now the answer is a mere click away. CLICK

01/01/06

Writing the 06 seems a little strange at the moment. However by the time I write 20 to 25 cheques, somewhere around the middle of next week, It'll come naturally. In the mean time I'd like to wish everyone a happy healthy 2006 and leave you with this very important message from the Pope.