Tortoise slow

I’ve been lax about my posting of late, I know. No need to get out the cat-o-nine-tails and flog me senseless, but there is a perfectly good explanation for all this. You see, I’ve been out spending the money I won on India in the fireworks disaster contest , over on Mitchieville. It takes time to blow $357.72 on mindless stuff like ass hair removal, ya know. Forget the lottery people, this is the way to go. And I’m going to keep on playing. I’ve been so God damn lucky lately, I bet I’ll win again on the next country too. I have Saskatchewan....wait a minute that’s not a country...or is it?

Besides, it’s been a slow week. Like the title says "tortoise slow". So, if you haven’t followed the current events of the past five days, you haven’t really missed a heap.

The most exciting news actually is, Gillette is coming out with a new razor called the Fusion. Five, (count ‘em), FIVE blades on this baby. Now I ask you....Do we really need five blades to revove facial hair, skin and shave down bone?

I'm told, the head also pivots and vibrates, which makes me wonder, are you sure this thing was designed for men? Cause, I know some women who would be very happy with that feature.

You had me at goodbye. That’s right Renee Zellweger and her new hubby have split after only a few months of matrimonial bliss. Which is ok, it still rates as one of the longer Hollywood relationships.

Delta filed for chapter 11 protection this week. Which is ok, it still rates as one of the longer running airlines.

A day care was busted when it was discovered the woman running it, was dealing drugs out of her home. Did anyone wonder why the kids were so anxious to get there everyday?

More studies and findings were released to the collective yawns of the average person. It was announced, after several years of study and careful calculation, College students drink too much, (did they really need a study for this?)

They also found the part of your brain that holds your phobias and hope to treat it, (If that’s true how come my balls tingle when I find myself at extreme heights?)

Scientists have found away to freeze eggs. Something about women, cancer, child birth...I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention. (Personally....as long as you can still eat them with bacon and home-fries I don’t care what they do.)

Guess what? When we’re happy, we listen to happy music. When we’re upset we listen to serious music. I would have never guessed. Well, that explains everything except "The Hamster Dance."

The highest paying job? Airline pilot. Based on a forty hour work week the Ol’ fly boys average $140.00 an hour. I’m sure the pilots at Delta are doing cartwheels. The worst paying gig? Bartenders and waitresses, (not with the tips I leave them, they’re not. Hey!... where’s musicians? They should be the bottom feeders anyway.) Of course, they didn’t say where the people who compile all this crap fall in the money chain. I speculate it's mucho bucks. Not India fireworks disaster money, but close.

Which reminds me, I still have $8.17 of my money left, so I’m off to buy some rub-on tattoos.