Friday, May 02, 2008

They sure didn't make stuff like this for dogs when I was a kid

Back in the day, dogs were good for two things: beating and eating....hey! Don't you judge me.

All right they were excellent for chasing those bastard door-to-door sales dudes too, but now.......Here comes the Turd Burglar.

As you can see, The Turd Burglar is a small scoop that, when placed over a hockey stick, allows you to fling piles of dog shit at anyone or anything.

Right off the bat, no one in Canada needs this product.

At the Turd Burglar website there is a frighteningly detailed step-by-step guide on the usage of the device. Here's my favorite step:

"8) A more open stance and higher finish will result in a throw of greater distance, but less control. Remember; high sticking can equate to high stinking from falling debris."

What a great idea. You know....GIGC and I have a B.B.Q. coming up, or we could take it camping. It doesn't have to be dog shit does it?

I'm not sure who came up with this idea but somewhere in the world--probably Oshawa--there resides a former pee-wee hockey player who was forced to quit the game due to what can only be described as earth-shattering retardation. He is now an inventor.

Either that, or this is somehow only the first in a long line of primate-engineered tactical assault weapons to be used in the great ape uprising of 2029.

In the end, who really cares? He shoots, you score!

This aerosol can of some kind of cold spray was created for those moments in life when your pet lets you know just what he thinks of your new carpet by fire hosing liquid feces all over it. The website description states: "Spray ... Wait 10 seconds ... and a white crusty film solidifies the waste."

Now, it may just be the wording that makes it sound disgusting but having a "White crusty film" materialize over a freshly evacuated mound of shit doesn't immediately pop out at me as anything better then the initial mound of shit.

But, as the testimonials page assures you, " ... it's makes this chore fun (but don't tell my mom that)."

Sure, Kaitlyn A., from Harpers Ferry, WV, I won't tell your mom that you enjoy collecting freeze-dried shit pancakes. I'll let her find out five years from now, after stumbles across your poop fetish website, or finds then buried in you underwear drawer next to your multi colored dildos, fur covered handcuffs and pictures of Ben Affleck.

Frozen fecal remnants indeed!

Wait a frickin' minute! They freeze hockey pucks right?

Perhaps in conjunction with the Turd Burglar?........Fuck, I'm running right out and getting myself a dog. If I get bored I can always let him loose on the the door-to-door guys. "Aerate this buddy!".......Oh and then there's always the beating and the eating.

It's a win, win.

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